GF's past and My Past

[Guest]

I am pretty sure this stuff has been posted a hundred times before that I am sure that it is turning into a cliché. Anyway, I met this wonderful woman about four months ago (she is 31) who I am dating who is intelligent, smart, witty, funny, self-reliant, confident, college educated, and is essentially going places in all directions. I made the mistake of telling her my sketchy past which I believe is normal for anyone, both women and men who are now in their early 30's and never married. She then proceeded to tell me her past and I found out that she had been with 100 plus men between the ages of 16-19 and then suddenly chilled and got into a long term relationship. She admitted that she was a whore at the time and then completely changed after taking some time off. Between the ages of 20-31 she was in three very long term dedicated relationships with three men and zero cheating on her behalf between the ages of 20 to essentially 31. One of these men whom she was engaged to after dating for five years wound up cheating on her. During the periods of not being in a long term relationship with these three men she had a very small select “friends with benefits” with men but nothing ever compared to her teenage years. Now, I understand that the past is the past and that I cannot judge someone that I never even knew existed. Plus, in order to make a relationship work one must focus on the present and the future rather than the past 10 years or so. She told me that she would never judge me for the stuff I did as she never knew me either. Plus, on my behalf, I was seeing a bunch of women when I first met her about four months ago and then stopped everything in order to be with her because she was the first woman that I ever clicked with. My only concern, now that I am typing this, is the number of people that she was with at such a young age and the overall high number. I actually wish that I never knew but it is there and there is nothing that I can do about it. In fact, I may be somewhat imitated by the number in a weird sort of way. I also know, through past experience that thinking about sex solely in term of numbers negates the very personal experience, whether good or bad, can be. There is also nothing that I can do to change her past and to worry about it would be a waste of time. However, the thought still lingers in the back of my mind for reasons unknown to me. I do not want this to come across as a double standard issue, as women have the right to be just as promiscuous as men, but maybe it already has. Anyway, I would like this to work this out of my head and would like everyone's opinion on this matter.

[Cecelius]

100 guys is just way too much, especially for that age group.

 

You are having an adverse reaction to it -- at best, you will get to some kind of peace with it, but it is tawdry and always will be.

 

My thought is give yourself a deadline of a couple months to have fun and not think about it. If it still rubs you the wrong way by then, get out with your head held high

[volterata]

Yes, it is a very high number so I definatley agree with you. Especially for that age group (16-19) but I decided to cut her some slack after being with her for awhile. I have dated her for four months as of now and she did not tell this till a few months agao. Plus, I do wish that she had never told me. One of the reasons why I have cut her some slack is that between the ages of 20-31 she was with like four people and in three serious relationships. I really do like her a lot and have put a lot of that behind me and hopefully it will work out.

[volterata]

[COLOR=black]Also keep in mind that my past is not that great either and she does not judge me. Granted, I may not had that many experiences in my late teens and nor have I had that many altogether in my 33 years of existence. I have had quite a few in my time but I can say that I cannot judge her as I have been extremely unfaithful with past ex-girlfriends in my past when she was completely faithful with the three men she dated between 20-31. I also do not want her to judge me on my cheating past with ex-girlfriends just as I am trying not to judge her conquests from many years ago. I guess I have tried to honor her right to chose to live the life that she lived just as I ask her to honor the past that I have lived as well. I need to learn how to forget her past as it is irrelevant as to what is occurring now. Any other advice would be great...[/COLOR][COLOR=black][/COLOR]

[blind_otter]

Well here's a tidbit of random information. The human brain does not finish developing until the mid twenties or thereabouts, and the last part of the brain to mature governs rational thought, logic, and decision making. This is part of why a lot of people in their late teens, early 20s experiment with drugs, and tend to make a lot of poor decisions about their lives. They aren't fully equipped to handle actually making those decisions.

 

But sadly we live in a world where those decisions, and the ability to make them, tend to be thrust on young adults.

[electric_sheep]

I wrote this for myself a long time ago.

Maybe you will find it useful.

Specifically it's about dealing with jealousy over past relationships

(retroactive jealousy), but I bet it could be applied to lots of life's

challenges.

Life can be a bitch but I guess I'll just keep on trying.

One thing is for sure, Love is worth the effort !

 

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Why Does It Bother Us In The First Place ?

------------------------------------------

 

People become obsessed over past relationships for many reasons, but I think there is some commonality. Usually it is a strong need to feel special and unique, and we see our lovers sexual past as threatening in this regard. We feel the need to secure some special place in our lovers life, and we connect this with sex somehow. It's as if sex is sort of a barometer for how close the relationship is. If our lover has had similar relationships with others in the past, we begin to feel like there is nothing unique or special about the current relationship. We feel like we are simply one in a string of such relationships. I think maybe we are worried that if we are not special to them that they will leave us. All of these feelings fill us with angst, doubt, insecurity and fear.

 

I think these feelings bother a certain type of person more than another. We are idealistic and perfectionist, a touch obsessive perhaps, and absolutist. We are seekers, looking for something to believe in (a soul mate perhaps). We have a hard time reconciling our lovers sexual past with our ideals of romantic love.

 

I think our societies highly promulgated ideas have a lot to do with this too. From our religious institutions to our entertainment, we are bombarded by ideas about love. Well, the fact is, society is not always right. In fact, most of societies ideas are antiquated and outdated and are not very applicable to the modern world. We need to free ourselves from this societal conditioning and start creating our own ideas.

 

 

--- Now cut here and discard top half ---

 

 

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What We Should Be Thinking

--------------------------

 

We need to recognize that nothing in life can be guaranteed, and in fact

there is always the risk of losing something we find special. At the

same time, remember the future is an illusion, as is the past. They are

not real. Do not let the fear of loss prevent you from loving with your

whole heart. To do so would be to limit the beautiful possibility of

love from entering your life to begin with.

 

Recognize that we can't control how special we are to someone else.

Ultimately what matters is how special they are to us. Enjoy the

wonderful gift that this person is in your life.

 

In every relationship, we only have control over our side of it. All we

can do is be the best person that we know how to be, and to put as much

effort and heart and spirit into it as we can. We can only ensure that

WE do the right thing, and that we give it everything we have. So once

you decide to be in a relationship, it makes sense to decide to be

genuine and loving and caring and good. For YOU as much as for them.

Practice this in everything you do, in the way you communicate with

them, in the way you make love to them, and all the little things you do

day to day. Relationships are about love, and love is about giving and

sacrificing. It is a wonderful honor and a great gift to have someone in

your life that you can cherish, honor, and sacrifice for. Give up a

little of yourself for them. This will make you feel good about who you

are as a person, and you will know, no matter what happens, that at

least YOU did the right thing. All you can do is do your best, and hope

for the best. The rest is out of your hands. I know it's scary but it's

worth it ! It is SO rare that people actually enter into relationships

with this degree of earnestness, that I think if you practice this

wholeheartedly, you will be amazed at just how special you end up being

to your lover.

 

Consider your relationship a wonderful opportunity for you to grow as a

person. It is so rare in live that we actually think about LIFE. If you

are like me you are so busy thinking about a myriad of other things that

you never really think about life itself. What is love ? What makes me

happy ? How can I break down these fences and boundaries I have set up

for myself, both consciously and unconsciously ? They wall in my future

possibilities and limit and control my thoughts. Let me bust out of here

!

 

The thing

[Cecelius]

I can't disagree with the above sentiment.

 

The trick is to take the facts you know and try to see if they are merely appealing to a baser instinct (jealousy, etc.). Once you can get beyond that, there is a real question about whether you can like the person (respect them, be attracted to them, and so on). This is where their subsequent history comes into play.

 

Once you are not offended or hurt or wounded by what you know, if you are simply turned off, then you can maturely move out of the relationship.

 

You'll know you are at this point when you are calm in your thoughts and feelings, but nevertheless no longer enthusiastic about the other person.

[volterata]

[COLOR=black]Thanks a lot electric sheep that was very deep and thoughtful. It really assisted with my overall thought process and I do want to grow within this current relationship as best I can despite her past. I really do appreciate it. I think I am jealous more than anything and I am definitely not trying to move out of the relationship as I have no control over the past. I do respect her as a person and find her attractive as well. I think that she is an amazing person who is intelligent and has everything but positive going for her. She is currently practicing law, she is funny and extremely family orientated. All I know is that I want this to work between us and I have to respect her for not holding me accountable for the amount of women that I have been with or for the fact that I have been absolutely horrible in past relationships. So far it has been really good between it is just the thought and the number of people that she has been with in her past that sometimes creeps up in my mind, at times bugs me and I am unsure why? I I guess you could say that I am idealistic and a perfectionist to a point. I know that she does not dwell on my past or my infidelities with my past relationships. I also know that one does not pick who they fall in love with, it just happens or occurs. This feeling has really never happened to me before as I have never truly been in love. I instead have had a lot of convenient type relationships or just "friends with benefits" so until I met this person I know that I have never felt the way that I have felt before. [/COLOR][COLOR=black][/COLOR]