Jump to content

What the hell...


carmaenforcer

Recommended Posts

carmaenforcer

Just so you know. My best friend asked me to post this one. I'm happily married myself.

 

Basically he wants to know why do women claim they want a good guy but then when they get one they complain about him either being too nice or some isht like that. Then they claim they don't know what they want and that they are confused themselves.

If a guy gives her respect, treats her nice, actually shows some feelings or caring for her, it kills the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously there must be something missing from the relationship, perhaps even a physical attraction?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
carmaenforcer

This is funny because I have him on the phone right now and I read your reply to him and he's like. HELL NO! Too funny.

But anyway, he claimes that they had a pretty good sex life and he's young good looking at risk of sounding too broke backie, makes good money, knows how to treat people (respectful), a true nice guy. Too nice for modern women jaded by life, maybe?

This girl, according to her girl friend, has a tendancy of getting together with a-holes and falling in love too fast.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like you are describing me.

 

"Then they claim they don't know what they want and that they are confused themselves."

 

Especially this part -- my girlfriend told me this when she wanted to break up with me.

 

It's just that I was too accomodating and allowed her to take my for granted. She doesn't find much wrong with me but her feelings have just died off and it seems as if that line is the only way they can think of rejecting you because they have a hard time figuring out why they want to break it off or treat you badly, etc.

 

It's just a lack of assertiveness and too much power on the other end. I think girls like to be kept on their toes to a certain extent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is funny because I have him on the phone right now and I read your reply to him and he's like. HELL NO! Too funny.

But anyway, he claimes that they had a pretty good sex life and he's young good looking at risk of sounding too broke backie, makes good money, knows how to treat people (respectful), a true nice guy. Too nice for modern women jaded by life, maybe?

This girl, according to her girl friend, has a tendancy of getting together with a-holes and falling in love too fast.

 

 

well then she must find him dull and predictable?

 

To each their own I guess. I like a nice guy, got one, a total non a**h*** who is a hottie, although can be a tad predictable...... so up to me to keep the fire lit is all. Perhaps she does not realize that she is also in the relationship with him and expects him to bend over to fulfill her fantasy without even dropping a hint about what the F it is.

 

Funny just had a friends wife leave him with the same kinda excuse.

 

Some people are in love with being in love....... not actually in love.

 

Tell your friend I am sorry...... there are nice, hot, and smart ladies out there for him. No sense in putting him self through the wringer if she has no clue what she wants..... she needs to do some work on her own life before she can work on an R.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PlentyLV007
Basically he wants to know why do women claim they want a good guy but then when they get one they complain about him either being too nice or some isht like that. Then they claim they don't know what they want and that they are confused themselves.

If a guy gives her respect, treats her nice, actually shows some feelings or caring for her, it kills the relationship.

 

I understand where your friend is coming from because the guy I'm seeing sounds like your friend. I've been dating this really "sweet" guy for about a month. Now he is really nice, always available, wants to do whatever I want to do, really affectionate, gentlemen, knows what he wants and very secure about himself.

 

I think is that women should clarrify what they want in a guy. Then just saying " I like or want a nice guy". Women should try to say what they do and don't like in a nice guy. There is a difference between nice guys and needy guys.

 

 

When I first started dating my "nice" guy after our first date he CONSTANTLY called me like 2-3 times a day. Text me like 4-5 times a day and seemed very needy. Now my mentality is very much like a guy. I need space, I'm not needy at all, I'm not affectionate, I don't like to be on the phone all the time, and I like a guy to tell me what he wants to do ever so often, not just waiting for me to say what to do and when to do. I like a nice guy w/ a back bone.

 

I told him the kind of person I was and that I don't react really well to very needy guys. I also do have mood swings and I don't mean every month ok. :p

I literally like my space. He was so pleased that instead of backing away from him that I actually was very open and explained how I felt and what I did and didn't want.

 

Now things are still great and I get to miss him. During the week I work non stop and he works and goes to school. I mostly see him on the weekends. I have a nice guy and I like it very much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
carmaenforcer

He doesn't think he's needy but he's afraid that he might have come accross needy by accident. He wants to hear your guys opinion of what needy is.

Is there a line between needy and affectionate?

I told him to try to go on here as a guest if he isn't ready to join yet becausae I have to go pick up my W from work in a little bit. But if he can't I will pick this up with him tomorrow.

 

Thank you guys for helping him out on this one, he is loving your replies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PlentyLV007

Needy-Constantly calling , NEEDING , smothering, Being too available, especially when dating...it's okay once your bf / gf, but not dating.

Being okay w/ everything, having no thoughts or opinions of your own, whatever the other wants to do is okay all the time.

 

Affectionate- Being there when really needed, holding her hand, Kissing her forhead, kissing her sholder instead of her lips, friendly touches, no rushing, calling once -twice a week. Seeing each other like 1-2 a week.

 

Then of course it's depending on what the girl wants. What works for me is that Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS>

Link to post
Share on other sites
PlentyLV007
I really like your outlook of things. Not trying to hit on you or anything but you sound like a fun person :p

 

THANKS!!!! ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just so you know. My best friend asked me to post this one. I'm happily married myself.

 

Basically he wants to know why do women claim they want a good guy but then when they get one they complain about him either being too nice or some isht like that. Then they claim they don't know what they want and that they are confused themselves.

If a guy gives her respect, treats her nice, actually shows some feelings or caring for her, it kills the relationship.

 

Read every single post on being a balanced guy.

 

Women want "good" men, they don't want doormats or jerks. The difference between the two is a good guy knows when to be nice and when to be a jerk. He has confidence in himself, doesn't look to her for approval, is a leader, is strong, secure and has a direction (goals) in life. He has a purpose. He doesn't need her in his life, but wants her. They compliment each other, not depend on each other.

 

Got it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

But when you love someone so much how can you possibly push yourself away if you're so deep and want to get closer? I feel like being "good" requires a lot of self-restrain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter

I have a tendency to date a**h***s. I get bored with nice guys.

 

I think it has to do with a fear of intimacy. If I'm involved with an ass, I have an excuse to keep a part of myself away from them. An excuse not to trust them, or open myself up, or really love them completely -- because they are a**h***s and do insensitive, cruel, and sometimes even abusive things. It's a front.

 

When I get involved with a nice guy, there is no excuse to hold back. He offers you something that you can't really put up a logical defense against. So that freaks me out, and I push him away with all my might, and he's left wondering what the hell happened because everything seemed fine. And maybe he thinks I'm just a crazy bitch. Maybe I am.

 

Or not. More like, I have had f***ed up s*** happen, and the whole idea of letting anyone in that close is utterly terrifying, so I use my entire life and my relationships as an elaborate justification for never really allowing a person to be intimate with me.

 

I'mjustsaying.

Link to post
Share on other sites

blind_otter, it sounds like you act out of fear in that sense, then? I mean if that "f***ed up s***" never happened again in your life hypothetically would you still prefer a**h***s?

Link to post
Share on other sites
But when you love someone so much how can you possibly push yourself away if you're so deep and want to get closer? I feel like being "good" requires a lot of self-restrain.

 

You get clingy because you start to become insecure. If you are confident in yourself you will cherish the time you have together and apart. The time apart helps you appreciate the time together.

 

Too much time together can be summed up in a single statement:

 

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter
blind_otter, it sounds like you act out of fear in that sense, then? I mean if that "f***ed up s***" never happened again in your life hypothetically would you still prefer a**h***s?

 

I doubt it. It's not like I prefer a**h***s, per se, but that involvement with them allows a certain lack of intimacy. It's almost a compulsion to be brutally honest, like when I date nice guys, I find myself finding reasons that are really almost baseless, for getting out of my involvement with them. And I can see myself doing it, but I can't stop myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, I think the reason so many women dump the "good guys" is because so many of us/them have been treated so poorly that when A nice guy does come along we feel there is something wrong with them and let them go.

 

It's like those of us who continue to date the creeps who end up being jealous and abusers. We feel that their initial signs of jealousy mean they truly love us and are afraid to lose us, when reality is, they are just showing what is yet to come.

 

But....like many women - men who are to needy are frustrating. In that aspect I agree with CaliGuy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have a tendency to date a**h***s. I get bored with nice guys.

 

I think it has to do with a fear of intimacy. If I'm involved with an ass, I have an excuse to keep a part of myself away from them. An excuse not to trust them, or open myself up, or really love them completely -- because they are a**h***s and do insensitive, cruel, and sometimes even abusive things. It's a front.

 

When I get involved with a nice guy, there is no excuse to hold back. He offers you something that you can't really put up a logical defense against. So that freaks me out, and I push him away with all my might, and he's left wondering what the hell happened because everything seemed fine. And maybe he thinks I'm just a crazy bitch. Maybe I am.

 

Or not. More like, I have had f***ed up s*** happen, and the whole idea of letting anyone in that close is utterly terrifying, so I use my entire life and my relationships as an elaborate justification for never really allowing a person to be intimate with me.

 

I'mjustsaying.

EXACTLY! I understand where you are coming from, B-O. By the way, you really have a way of wording things.

 

However, I do not date a**h***s anymore. I'm dating a great guy that really loves me. But, the only bad part, is he is very busy & we don't get to see each other often. This doesn't make him an a**h***.

 

I kinda appreciate having my space. I don't allow myself to get too hung up on things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean I agree with your statements but in a way I almost feel like being clingy doesn't exist if the other person truly LOVES you. Not sure how to explain it. If I were really into a girl and she wanted to talk/see me constantly, I'd love it. I like being really into each other... unfortunately I don't know if this is reality. I do value alone-time but it's when that alone-time becomes multiple-weeks alone time that I get a little upset.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I doubt it. It's not like I prefer a**h***s, per se, but that involvement with them allows a certain lack of intimacy. It's almost a compulsion to be brutally honest, like when I date nice guys, I find myself finding reasons that are really almost baseless, for getting out of my involvement with them. And I can see myself doing it, but I can't stop myself.

 

 

This sounds very famiiar to me. I tend to get wiped away because of "baseless reasons." Like nothing is really wrong with me -- they just lose interest and leave for someone else, and usually end up missing me a lot, telling me they made a mistake after they've been hurt by some new "jerk" they hooked up with, but by this time I've moved on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes it takes an epihany to realize what happened. Knowing the problem exists is a start.

 

Those things happen, baseless reasons. I did the same with an ex and now I somewhat regret it 7 years later. She was too passive and 3 months later I dropped her. I see myself like her and figured out why I got ditched.

 

I guess the last few months, I have matured more and know more about what I want/need and do not want/need.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand, Vertex. However, we have known each other for about four years, and know each other pretty well. The spark is still there for him and myself.

 

He is just a busy guy. He means no harm.

 

He goes to his day job (one hour away) at 6:00am, leaves at 3:30pm. Gets home at 4:30pm...then goes to second job at 5:00pm till 11:30 pm.

 

He'll call me from work and talk to me while stocking shelves. He only has one night off from his second job. That night, he does laundry & usually goes to bed around 8:30. Can you blame him?

 

On the weekends, he races motocross again with his son. His son has a sponsor and Saturdays are about getting bikes cleaned, loaded up & delivered an hour away. Then, Sunday is race day.

 

Then, Monday, he starts it all over again. He works his second job to help pay for the racing with his son.

 

The weekends that he does have off, he's right at my door, taking me out on a date.

 

I know, that someday, he will have more time, he has mentioned it (actually a couple years from now when his son graduates).

 

If he stood in front of me today and said, "hey, let's get married!". Quite honestly, I don't know what I'd say to him. I don't know if marriage is for me... and I think this time in his life is meant for his son.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
carmaenforcer
I have a tendency to date a**h***s. I get bored with nice guys.

 

I think it has to do with a fear of intimacy. If I'm involved with an ass, I have an excuse to keep a part of myself away from them. An excuse not to trust them, or open myself up, or really love them completely -- because they are a**h***s and do insensitive, cruel, and sometimes even abusive things. It's a front.

 

When I get involved with a nice guy, there is no excuse to hold back. He offers you something that you can't really put up a logical defense against. So that freaks me out, and I push him away with all my might, and he's left wondering what the hell happened because everything seemed fine. And maybe he thinks I'm just a crazy bitch. Maybe I am.

 

Or not. More like, I have had f***ed up s*** happen, and the whole idea of letting anyone in that close is utterly terrifying, so I use my entire life and my relationships as an elaborate justification for never really allowing a person to be intimate with me.

 

I'mjustsaying.

 

 

 

Good one blind_otter. That's exactly what I think is happening in my best friends case. And this kind of balancing act that men have to keep up with women like this is not just something you have to do in the beginning of a relationship but something you have to keep up for years possibly forever.

It changes a good man into something else.

I know, I was that good guy once upon a time, now I am still a good guy sometimes it's in my nature but regulate when I have to Going against my base instinct of loving and caring the woman I love to selfishness and cold bloodedness. My W had/has a little of what blind_otter described going on.

I love her very much and so when first confronted with her pushing me away and surrounding herself with and pandering to ass holes, giving them the niceness and attention I craved I unwittingly made things worse by trying to kill her with kindness. Can we say trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

It wasn't until I got fed up had a few really mean things said to me, like, "your smothering me". Seeing her, when we were first dating, go back to an ex boyfriend that beat her over and over, cheating on me with him. Seeing her jock a guy "friend" that treated her like scum sometimes and seeing him get the shaft when he seemed to show niceness or vulnerability. I quickly learned that this girl needs an ass hole to put her in her place. Sick, but I couldn't do much about it at his point because I fell in love with her. All I could do was adapt, change to survive in my new environment, and so I did.

 

Now, I still give her love, but allow myself to be selfish and demand things my way to. When she tries to over step her boundaries in the relationship, I check her instantly, let her rant and rave, kick and scream if she has to but stand my ground. If thing get out of hand and she doesn't know when to stop, I put a stop to things without violence but with strength. When I first did this I was scarred and just legitimately lost it and yelled something like, "OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Showing her that I do love her but am not afraid to dump her ass or worse, give her a taste of her own medicine.

 

Open honest communnication, is important. She needs to be honest about what she needs and relay that to him, and the same in return.

 

It's a balancing act.

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter

Now, I still give her love, but allow myself to be selfish and demand things my way to. When she tries to over step her boundaries in the relationship, I check her instantly, let her rant and rave, kick and scream if she has to but stand my ground. If thing get out of hand and she doesn't know when to stop, I put a stop to things without violence but with strength. When I first did this I was scarred and just legitimately lost it and yelled something like, "OK, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Showing her that I do love her but am not afraid to dump her ass or worse, give her a taste of her own medicine.

 

Open honest communnication, is important. She needs to be honest about what she needs and relay that to him, and the same in return.

 

It's a balancing act.

 

 

This is actually what I respond to best.

 

Let me give you an example. My exH is in federal prison. I don't really talk to him any more, but I got a letter recently in the mail from him. Normal stuff, I guess, although being in the federal penitentiary in ATL and being in lockdown 23 hours a day is not the most pleasant thing to read.

 

THen the last line of the letter was, "Maybe you could write me a dirty letter to help ease the pain."

 

I flipped out but for some reason actually considered sending him A letter, not a dirty one, but an ANGRY one.

 

My BF was quiet when I told him and then said, "You are not to talk to him any more, you are to send his letters back to him. I've tolerated this interaction long enough, you need to grow up and get a backbone and actually deal with this because I'm sick of it."

 

I was enraged. I was pissed. How dare he! When I needed him!

 

Then after I cooled down I realized that he was right, he was putting his foot down with my best intersts at heart. And because he set that boundary down all of a sudden I felt MORE comfortable, if that makes any sense?

 

Like, without clear, and strongly reinforced boundaries, I feel out of control, and scared. And I react by putting up walls and pushing away what I perceive as my source of fear. When the fear is from inside myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...