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Why does he keep me around when he doesn't really want me?


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Old 20th March 2006, 9:03 PM   #1
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Question Why does he keep me around when he doesn't really want me?

So I'm in a situation where it has become very clear that this guy is just keeping me hanging on for some reason, but I don't know why.

We tried to date several months ago but we had major, explosive drama between us, so we decided to be just friends.

Since then, he'll sometimes act like he wants more than friendship. It was confusing for a while, trying to figure out what he really wanted. Now I've figured it out: he wants me to think he might want me so that I stay around him and don't date anyone else, but he never wants to actually have a romantic relationship with me.

I've come to realize that his behavior was probably abusive. He would say and do nasty things, and then when I said I didn't want to be friends, he would apologize profusely and talk about how much he misses me. I would then begin to spend time with him again, during which time he would be extremely nice but then start with the nasty things and words soon after.

So, he's just keeping me hanging on. My question is: Why?

Why do people keep friends/lovers around just to hurt them?

Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?
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Old 20th March 2006, 9:13 PM   #2
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennylyn
I've come to realize that his behavior was probably abusive. He would say and do nasty things, and then when I said I didn't want to be friends, he would apologize profusely and talk about how much he misses me.

So, he's just keeping me hanging on. My question is: Why?

Why do people keep friends/lovers around just to hurt them?

Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?
jennylyn, he sounds abusive. which is his whole problem. abusers feel really crappy about themselves and use others to boost themselves out of their slump. it hardly ever works, really. they hurt others feelings and, while initially it helps them feel better, their problem never goes away.

he is probably keeping you handy because he gets these feelings from you and doesn't wanna lose you, because you provide him with something he needs emotionally. but it's unhealthy for you to stick around. you will never get anything back from him except his nastiness.

do yourself a favor...ignore him and he will go away. as long as you keep feeding his 'addiction', he will try to contact you.

best of luck to you!
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Old 20th March 2006, 10:38 PM   #3
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Someone has been doing this to me, too. I have tried soooo hard to just ignore him. The thing I hate is that if I ignore him, I know he'll just go away. Like proving I never really meant anything to him anyway. That's why I am having trouble letting go...but I know I have to! Should have months ago!! (really should have followed my gut instinct and never gotten involved with him in the first place)
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Old 20th March 2006, 10:56 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennylyn
So I'm in a situation where it has become very clear that this guy is just keeping me hanging on for some reason, but I don't know why.

We tried to date several months ago but we had major, explosive drama between us, so we decided to be just friends.

Since then, he'll sometimes act like he wants more than friendship. It was confusing for a while, trying to figure out what he really wanted. Now I've figured it out: he wants me to think he might want me so that I stay around him and don't date anyone else, but he never wants to actually have a romantic relationship with me.

I've come to realize that his behavior was probably abusive. He would say and do nasty things, and then when I said I didn't want to be friends, he would apologize profusely and talk about how much he misses me. I would then begin to spend time with him again, during which time he would be extremely nice but then start with the nasty things and words soon after.

So, he's just keeping me hanging on. My question is: Why?

Why do people keep friends/lovers around just to hurt them?

Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?
This very much seems to be like the situation I am in now. But there are some differences - 1) the genders are reversed 2) she doesn't do/say anything nasty 3) she is very very possesive of me

This girl on whom I had feelings for said she can't date me and only wanted to be friends. But the problem is she is "way too friendly". Her behavior and her words clearly indicate more than friendship. She is of course a true friend and very helpful but at times she clearly crosses the friendship line. I used to wonder why wouldn't she date me when its very clear that she likes me so much. But I stopped putting my energy into it. I am just going to forget this and focus on dating other women.

In your case he is keeping you around and on top of that is being nasty to you. That is completely unacceptable. He is not even being a good friend. You got to break it off for your own good.
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Old 20th March 2006, 11:40 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Steph21
Someone has been doing this to me, too. I have tried soooo hard to just ignore him. The thing I hate is that if I ignore him, I know he'll just go away. Like proving I never really meant anything to him anyway. That's why I am having trouble letting go...but I know I have to! Should have months ago!! (really should have followed my gut instinct and never gotten involved with him in the first place)
Steph, that is EXACTLY how I felt the other day. In my case, the guy called me white trash (because he thought that would really hurt me, when in fact it just sounded ridiculous) and yelled at me for no reason. I finally decided to end the "friendship". I said "don't ever speak to me again" and he said, "okay", all nonchalantly. Usually, he'd come back and beg for my forgiveness, but this time, I also found out that he had "replaced" me, with one of my close co-workers to boot.

Anyway, the best answer is that whether he ever tries to contact you again or not, the right thing to do is leave him alone.

But the icing on the cake in my case is that he actually DID contact me, just a couple days later, and asked me if I wanted to hang out. Because he needs me to trust him again so that he can belittle me to make himself feel better.

I didn't respond. It feels great! It really does get easier every day.
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Old 20th March 2006, 11:45 PM   #6
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Thanks, I am trying (and succeeding!) so far to stay away from him and not talk about the situation at work, even though 1) he's trying to contact me, 2) he's now dating my co-worker, and 3) the co-worker is telling everyone how much she likes him but how she'd never, never want to hurt my feelings.

I guess my issue is: why would he do this to ME? I mean, I think I'm a good person and kind of a catch, so what is so bad about me that he'd pick me to unleash his insecurities on? I know no one can really answer that question, but do you know what I mean? I get that he's insecure and that's why he's a prick, but why take it out on ME?
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Old 21st March 2006, 1:14 AM   #7
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he can't keep you anywhere hun...you have to choose to stay or go.

Take care of yourself...you're the only one of you we got!
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Old 21st March 2006, 9:49 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by jennylyn
Thanks, I am trying (and succeeding!) so far to stay away from him and not talk about the situation at work, even though 1) he's trying to contact me, 2) he's now dating my co-worker, and 3) the co-worker is telling everyone how much she likes him but how she'd never, never want to hurt my feelings.

I guess my issue is: why would he do this to ME? I mean, I think I'm a good person and kind of a catch, so what is so bad about me that he'd pick me to unleash his insecurities on? I know no one can really answer that question, but do you know what I mean? I get that he's insecure and that's why he's a prick, but why take it out on ME?
He does this to you because you allow it. I know because I am in the same situation with my ex. I make no contact with her but every so often she emails or IM's me and, like an idiot, Im there to support her and comfort her. But I make that choice. I could easily just say things to piss her off so she wont talk to me or just ignore her. And I know she uses me to feel better about herself. Sometimes we do this because wed rather feel pain than feel nothing.
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Old 21st March 2006, 10:35 AM   #9
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennylyn
I guess my issue is: why would he do this to ME? I mean, I think I'm a good person and kind of a catch, so what is so bad about me that he'd pick me to unleash his insecurities on? I know no one can really answer that question, but do you know what I mean? I get that he's insecure and that's why he's a prick, but why take it out on ME?
you were available, that's why. unfortunately, he will probably pull this same crap with your co-worker. don't take it personally, okay? because the truth is, it wasn't you personally. it will be anyone he has emotional ties to...you'll see...
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Old 21st March 2006, 12:07 PM   #10
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Why does he keep me around when he doesn't really want me?
The question is, why do you keep him around?

DON'T
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Old 22nd March 2006, 6:32 PM   #11
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Update

Thanks to everyone for their advice and insights. I'm still doing great!

On top of that, I heard a story about him today that would be sad, except that he hurt me and I'm looking for more affirmation that he is insecure so it's not sad to me. Anyway, he told this girl he's dating (and that I work with) that he is filling in for a very important person in our organization (equivalent of a VP in the private sector) until they find a permanent replacement. Thing is: he isn't filling in for that person. He's filling in for that person's administrative assistant. Don't get me wrong, it's still a cool and really important job, but "VP" and "VP's administrative assistant" are two different things. I think he's so insecure he can't help it but lie about things, even when it is really easy to figure out he is lying.
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