Don't feel the romantic connection, but realize it takes time?

[DatingQuestions]

Hi, I’ve been posting about this guy for a while. We had four dates, with three of them initiated by him, including the last one, when I completely blew him away with some strange behaviors (refer to my earlier post).

 

I emailed him a week after that with an attempt to make it up. I told him that I do feel a connection with him, and that the potential has not been fully explored. He called me back right away, but I missed his call. When I tried calling back, he never answered. Then later he wrote me an email saying that he really appreciates my email. He does not know if he feels the romantic connection with me, but also realize these things may take some time. Then he says that he does feel a connection with me, and he has enjoyed the time we spent together for sure. Then he left it at he will talk to me soon.

 

I was offended as well as confused by his mixed messages. Anyways, I wrote him back again, and here goes the email:

 

“Thanks for the email and being honest about your feelings. I appreciate it, really! Well, they say chemistry is a funny thing, you either feel it or you don’t. I may very well be a very unique creature, since I had never fell for someone at the drop of a hat; nor have I let physical attraction blur my vision. I believe in friendship and approach things from that perspective. I just think that you are a VERY good person, and the last thing I want is to have you “maybe” misunderstand my intentions (take the other night, for example). I don’t know, I was never aware of the chemistry element until you’ve mentioned it. Since we are both adults (hopefully I count as one ), if it is bothering you and you want to call it quits, I completely understand.”

 

He got me so confused that I am not even sure about my own intentions in this final email anymore. What message does it send? I’m just curious, and would like for someone to make me less confused about the whole thing!

[ddnnee]

what a touching email! It touched my heart and I almost cried.

 

to me the email looks pretty straight forward to your intentions. BUT, his responses seem... unsure. its like he says he doesn't feel the connection then he says he does... as if he thinks maybe he can get some booty without the love. It could turn to a FWB relationship. my guess... or at least that's how i would play it.

 

if i dated a girl and didn't like her and just wanted to go on and then she emails me saying she likes me... i'd take it just for the booty. im evil! actually i wouldn't do that.... i've turned down some girls b4. but just a thought.

[BlahBlahQueen]

That email is dry, businesslike, makes you seem like a bit calculating and detached... it's perfect! Just what I would have striven to write. Very dignified.

[Walk]

Interesting email. I liked it up until the point you said he could call it quits.

 

I think I come from the same point of view as you do. I don't feel instant chemistry with someone new. It takes time for me to develope it. Mostly because I find people attractive based more on personality and character then physical qualities. So if I don't know the person very well it's hard for me to feel really strongly about the chemistry aspect.

 

If I were reading your email as if I were him, I believe that the message I would've gotten is that you don't feel much toward him, but enjoy his company. That he could fall into friendzone fairly quickly. That he's a great guy, but there's not too much interest in having more then interesting conversation. Which may put him off greatly. And then ending it with if he wants he can call it quits, to me is kind of like saying.. I don't really care if you go away or not.... Which isn't a bad thing. He may see it as a challenge and try to prove you can't live without him. Some guys are like that. Some will just move on though. They aren't interested in busting their azz for a girl they've only dated a handful of times.

 

I think your email was good, to the point, and straightforward. I'm a firm believer in not discussing relationship problems or concerns via email though. Face to face, or even on the phone, is a more immediate, and personal medium. I think it sends the wrong message when you can't communicate personally together. Kind of like being to chicken to confront a problem. He initiated this form of contact, and you did attempt to return his phone call, so I don't feel you were being chicken. I'm saying that in my experience, emails leave too much to be interpreted by the other person, and there is no immediate ability to clarify, or ask questions using email. It can cause more problems then it solves in a situation like this. His email to you is a good example. You were left confused, and so replied based on what you assumed he meant. You were not given the opportunity to ask questions regarding his meaning, or clarify his feelings. And because of exactly this situation, I stay away from email communications on relationship matters, and keep it face to face, or phone calls.

 

In the future, I would suggest if his email confuses you, to ask him to clarify in person instead of making assumptions regarding his meaning.

[electric_sheep]

My advice would be to stop worrying about chemistry and to just go out with this guy and have fun ! Assuming he is a fun guy to hang out with. Too much analyzing in relationships right away isn't good, so just enjoy yourselfs.

 

I'm not sure 3 or 4 dates is enough to determine future romantic possibilites. If you have fun with this guy, and enjoy spending time with him, then keep going out with him. After a couple of more dates maybe you guys will have a better feel for things, and it could be you just end up friends (or maybe not even that). If he is only marginally fun to hang out with (as in you think maybe reading in the bathtub might be more enjoyable), then I'd just tell him right away that you are not interested.

[DatingQuestions]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Walk, I appreciate your thorough analysis. yeah I was ready to talk to him on the phone, and when he didn't pick up my call, I did ask him to call me back. Anyhow, I am glad that everyone seems to think my email was clear and to the point.

 

It does NOT sound that I'm angry with him, does it? My girlfriend seems to think that way. I guess that I wrote it because I was so confused and as well as offended by his email. I like a guy who knows what he wants, either he likes me, feel a connection, or he doesn't! None of this I don't feel a romantic connection, but I feel a connection for sure thing. I understand he may actually have mixed feelings, but that's why he should decide whether to date me longer or not instead of emailing that to me. Am I taking this too hard or the thought is legitimate?

[DatingQuestions]

Electric_sheep,

That's what I thought we should've done. He should've never told me that he didn't feel a romantic connection, but realizes it takes time. It was not necessary to say at the point and was hurtful, at least to me. I believe my last email to him ended things, though. Thanks for the thought.

[Walk]

I didn't think your email sounded angry, or upset. At least to me it didn't. A little distant, and somewhat calculating, but not mad or upset. And at 3 or 4 dates, this would be a fairly normal response. I think you handled the situation well.

[noclobber]

I am not trying to discourage you but isn't 'chemistry' the be all and end all for you women when it comes to relationships? The guy may be great - intelligent, educated, funny, handsome, responsible, good job, etc but if you don't feel the 'chemistry' you don't give the guy a chance, do you? Women decide whether to put a guy in the friend zone or not in the first 2 or 3 minutes, so why bother trying to analyze his personality and character by going on further dates with him?

 

DatingQuestions,

 

In my opinion I think going out on further dates with this guy will only be a waste of your time and his. If you didn't "feel it" drop it right away!

[SmoochieFace]

The guy may be great - intelligent, educated, funny, handsome, responsible, good job, etc but if you don't feel the 'chemistry' you don't give the guy a chance, do you? Women decide whether to put a guy in the friend zone or not in the first 2 or 3 minutes, so why bother trying to analyze his personality and character by going on further dates with him?

 

...

 

Amen to that!

 

None of those *things* that women say they want in a man matter jack if *chemistry* is absent.

[DatingQuestions]

Hey, some of you may be confused by my first post. HE is the one that emailed me and said: "I appreciate your email. I do. I don't know if I feel a romantic connection with you, but also realize these things can take some time. However, I do feel a connection with you and have enjoyed the time I've spent with you for sure." Then I replied him with my final email.

 

You have a point noclobber, usually it is the woman that would say such a thing, or think that chemistry is everything. To me, and I'm sure to many other women out there as well, I still value POTENTIAL over instant chemistry. In this case, which is weird, it looks like he is the one that is looking for instant chemistry. Is that normal? I would like a guys point of view on this one.

[catgirl1927]

Wow. I'm sorry that women have hurt you, noclobber.

 

Someone can in fact be great on paper, but if the personalities don't mesh, then none of that matters. Don't guys feel the same way?

 

I think the email is fine, it's very dignified. I'm a love-at-first-sight girl and always follow my gut, but that's just how I am.

[noclobber]

Wow. I'm sorry that women have hurt you, noclobber.

 

Someone can in fact be great on paper, but if the personalities don't mesh, then none of that matters. Don't guys feel the same way?

 

I think the email is fine, it's very dignified. I'm a love-at-first-sight girl and always follow my gut, but that's just how I am.

 

 

I am just telling things as they stand! It is my understanding that women rely on chemistry and feelings and everything else takes a back seat. You have mentioned the same thing too. That's why I am suggesting the OP that she don't date that guy if she doesn't feel the chemistry.

[noclobber]

Wow. I'm sorry that women have hurt you, noclobber.

 

Someone can in fact be great on paper, but if the personalities don't mesh, then none of that matters. Don't guys feel the same way?

 

I think the email is fine, it's very dignified. I'm a love-at-first-sight girl and always follow my gut, but that's just how I am.

 

Sorry, but even personality doesn't matter for women! Its ONLY the chemistry!

[kitkat826]

I am not trying to discourage you but isn't 'chemistry' the be all and end all for you women when it comes to relationships? The guy may be great - intelligent, educated, funny, handsome, responsible, good job, etc but if you don't feel the 'chemistry' you don't give the guy a chance, do you? Women decide whether to put a guy in the friend zone or not in the first 2 or 3 minutes, so why bother trying to analyze his personality and character by going on further dates with him?

 

I agree with you clobber...chemistry is key for me and I know if its there within minutes. IMO, there shouldn't be so much worry and analyzing and back and forth over whether or not there is chemistry between you. Its a feeling, not a mindbender to solve. I have attempted to date men who were very nice people, good looking, and had a lot of things going for them....yet the romantic connection wasn't there.

 

I'm not talking about having to want to scream "I'm in love with you!!" after three dates...Im referring to that spark you feel when you look in their eyes, the giggly feeling you get when they compliment you, the way you think about them when they're not there and look forward to seeing them again, the anticipation of the first kiss...

[noclobber]

I agree with you clobber...chemistry is key for me and I know if its there within minutes. IMO, there shouldn't be so much worry and analyzing and back and forth over whether or not there is chemistry between you. Its a feeling, not a mindbender to solve. I have attempted to date men who were very nice people, good looking, and had a lot of things going for them....yet the romantic connection wasn't there.

 

I'm not talking about having to want to scream "I'm in love with you!!" after three dates...Im referring to that spark you feel when you look in their eyes, the giggly feeling you get when they compliment you, the way you think about them when they're not there and look forward to seeing them again, the anticipation of the first kiss...

 

Truest words ever spoken

 

Care to say what you look for in those few minutes and how you know that the chemistry is there or not?

 

The things you have mentioned in the second para come into the picture after you have met the person couple of times but what about those first few minutes when you see them the very first time?

[noclobber]

Hey, some of you may be confused by my first post. HE is the one that emailed me and said: "I appreciate your email. I do. I don't know if I feel a romantic connection with you, but also realize these things can take some time. However, I do feel a connection with you and have enjoyed the time I've spent with you for sure." Then I replied him with my final email.

 

You have a point noclobber, usually it is the woman that would say such a thing, or think that chemistry is everything. To me, and I'm sure to many other women out there as well, I still value POTENTIAL over instant chemistry. In this case, which is weird, it looks like he is the one that is looking for instant chemistry. Is that normal? I would like a guys point of view on this one.

 

It does sound weird listening to a guy talk about chemistry. Of course even we feel something sometimes but its just that we don't give it the highest priority like how women do.

 

But if this guy has already said that he doesn't feel the chemistry then in all fairness I think you got to move on. He is throwing in some confusing sentences like 'i do feel a connection blah blah' but what he means by that is - "I don't feel the chemistry with you so I can't see myself in a relationship with you. However I do feel we get along well so we can be FWB"

 

If you are not willing to settle for anything less than a solid relationship then you got to look elsewhere.

[catgirl1927]

Sorry, but even personality doesn't matter for women! Its ONLY the chemistry!

 

That's not true. As a woman, I can definitively say that personality does matter. It is incorrect to say that all women are completely illogical.

[BlahBlahQueen]

Sorry, but even personality doesn't matter for women! Its ONLY the chemistry!

 

Untrue. Some of us don't work that way. Contrary to popular belief, not all women can be written in terms of "I think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability."

 

I judge compatibility before even opening myself to feeling chemistry. In fact, it seems compatibility creates chemistry for me; they're largely dependent on each other.

[noclobber]

That's not true. As a woman, I can definitively say that personality does matter. It is incorrect to say that all women are completely illogical.

 

Yeah some woman rejected me because I am not a Jew like her but that's totally off-topic.

 

Yes, personality does matter but according to me it fades in comaprison with 'chemistry'. Please don't think I am trying to offend you all but I do think I have a point. A guy may be a Brad Pitt look alike but if you don't feel the chemistry would you go out with him?

[noclobber]

Did you edit your post? In your original post I saw a sentence attacking me personally. That's why I had to explain that in my response to you.

[catgirl1927]

Perhaps it would clear things up for me if you defined what you mean by "chemistry". If a guy looked like Brad Pitt but were dumb as a brick, no I would not go out with him. I look at the whole package, not just one part of it.

[catgirl1927]

Did you edit your post? In your original post I saw a sentence attacking me personally. That's why I had to explain that in my response to you.

 

I did, because when I read it over again it sounded really mean and that is NOT what I meant to convey.

[noclobber]

To the OP,

 

Sorry I think the women here are taking things personally and are resorting to personal attacks. I don't mean to offend anyone. And I don't think it makes sense for me to post any more replies in this thread.

 

Hope you do get valuable advice and be able to make a wise decision.

 

Good luck!

[catgirl1927]

I just said that I edited the post because I didn't want it to sound that way! Based on everything you've posted, you seem really bitter about women. I'm sorry for the bad experience you've had that caused that, I've gone through periods myself when I HATED men and it's not fun. But to dismiss everything I say as nonsense just because I'm a woman really isn't fair. It's been my experience that many men care ONLY about what a girl looks like, and that's it. I know logically that's not true but it sure feels like that some times. I'm really trying to be sympathetic, I didn't mean to offend.