basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 (WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!) Ok it happened again.. Charlie pointed out again last night on the phone that I am doing it again. He says I am being overly insecure and paranoid. I don't see that I did this last night on the phone. WTF?? Am I blind to myself? I was only inquiring.. He asked if I had talked to Carrie since this weekend and asked if the guy she met Saturday night called her? I asked him why he is always asking about her and he told me because she is my friend he considers her his friend and he cares about my freinds too. He accused me of being paranoid and he was obviously upset and lectured me about his values of friendship; ex: if my friends needed his help he would help them. He grilled at me that he hasn't flirted with them, he hasn't made moves on them but they are my friends and that makes them his friends... He was heated last night. He said I was being overly jealous and insecure and its driving him nuts. He said he is sick of it. WOW.. WTF.. I asked him a question about why he always asks about my friends (especially the one we hang with on the weekends.) I told him I feel like a equal to my friends with him. When we are out people don't know who he is with because he doesnt put his arm around me, he doesn't kiss me, he doesn't hold my hand.. A guy asked him if my gf was his wife and he didn't want to move in and cause trouble if she was. WTF... That felt like a slap in my face. WTF.. That made me feel like we don't look like a couple.. I am so hurt and furious about this.. I am struggling with feeling like he doesn't want to touch me or show me affection in public and now this.. It seems like a confirmation of my feelings.. He attempts to reassure me that he wants me, is interested in me, but I need to lighten up and have fun. He said I am choking him.. WTF... I am so confused about all this.. I feel like he is more concerned about my friends then he is about me. I've never had a bf who cared about my freinds before and gave them equal attention as me. I am use to my man giving me more attention then my friends. I am use to my man touching me (hugs, holding my hand, arm around me, etc) He states he doesn't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable. Carrie goes out with us frequently and its just the three of us. He said he isn't going to be all over me and make her feel left out or uncomfortable!! WTF--EXCUSE ME....??? She knows we are a couple--HELLOOOOO---She expects him and I to exchange a little affection once in awhile but he wont do it unless she is paried up with someone else then he will dance closer to me and hold me by my waist.. I believe that what he claims there is truth to it. but damn cant he at least make me feel like I am his gf and not just a friend. Thats my problem with him --The way he is around me in public I feel like I am just his friend and not his WOMAN... I like a man to express a little action that I am his and he is mine. But instead he is just with me as if I am just another memeber in our party.. I try to communicate to him what I am feeling and thinking but when I do he misunderstands almost everything. I told him I am going to write it all down and he said NO he doesn't like to read so not too and then ordered me to get over my jealousy and insecurities. He said I need to do something to stop this.. WTF?? I am so frustrated. I am having waves of hurt and anger.. I just want him to understand that I feel like he isn't attracted to me, I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change.. f*** are men really this stupid and blind??? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 (WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!) actually, this is one of your shorter ones... I'll read and reply later on. he he Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short This one is actually shorter then normal. Believe it. I tried to condense it.. It's not easy when I AM a person of many words. I love communication and I am very detail oriented so its hard to control myself when communicating. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change.. He bought you a ring, buys you boots, takes you out, calls you, pays attention to you by spending time with you. I personally hate it when a SO's are all over each other in a group setting. I don't expect my H to do so in public or with a group of friends because it does make some people uncomfortable......nor do I think someone standing up in the middle of dinner stating their spouse is the most wonderful most beautiful and in love with them necessary to confirm that they care.(exception would be a toast for a special occassion) It sounds like you are being very insecure and unsure of his true intentions with you. Now if by him showing you a little affection in front of people to confirm him being committed to you to get you over this? Why is it so important that others know the degree of your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 New relationships are not supposed to be this much work/drama. On both sides. I think that some of the issues Charlie is pushing back on you and then you think how the issue is yours.. He isn't an angel in all of the problems you are feeling that are there..But you seem to keep blaming yourself and your insecurities for everything I think he is more broken than you realize.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 I am not looking for him to be draped over me like a cheap coat... I like to feel touch.. I wish he would once in awhile put his hand on my back or touch my hand when we are sitting at a table at the bar, or look at me for longer then just a quick glance, why can't he hold my hand as we work our way through a crowd so we don't get seperated. Why can't he stand closer to me instead of at a distance like you would if it were just a friend? Why can't he initiate a hug in the privacy of our homes when we enter one others homes or say goodbye with a hug or/and a kiss.. If I didn't initiate He would probably only touch me once a week or when we are having sex!!! I feel physcially deprived and I don't want to use seduction as the only way to get him to touch me!! I am a touchy-feely kind of person and I like to be touched as well. I need to hear possitive words about me to help me feel good about myself. It is reassurring to hear your partner say that you look nice, or they like your hair that way, or I missed you or I love you!!! I am not for materialistic stuff!!! I am more personable then stuff... I like material things but it doesn't make me feel loved or wanted. A genuine heart felt hug or a genuine feeling filled I love you is what touches my heart and my being... Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Those words are beginning to creep into my mind... We told you so!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 i don't know the full story between you 2 and this is my first reading of this novel..........but IMHO......this guy has some issue to work out and i don't think he is that into you......i hope i don't come off as an A$$ sorry Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well Pada if Charlie is not willing to fulfill these important needs for you, or is not happy with the fact that you have these needs then I think you need to take some time to figure out if being with him is worth it to you. Neither one of you should have to go without what you want. You are in a new relationship...... Art is right way too much drama way too much worry for such a new relationship where you should still have googly eyes and just enjoy it. If you cannot turn off your need for physical touch......then IMHO you need a person that gives that to you, he just may not be able to fulfill that. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 If that's not his style, I'm not sure that you can force it to be so? He clearly feels that he is giving you everything you need. I recognise that I need a certain amount of affection from my partner too. I have found someone who equally needs affection and therefore understand that requirement. This allows to both get what we need from the other, without having to force the issue. Perhaps this isn't the relationship you want it to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada, you have to stop this. You have set up conditions that he MUST obey or else you insist on feeling unloved. He has explained that he is uncomfortable with the conditions you have set (PDAs). You continue to push him to behave the way you insist that he must behave and get mad when he doesn't. You also show huge insecurity by flipping out on him when he asks about other women of any sort. You are sabotaging this relationship. YOU MUST STOP INSISTING HE BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT. It's very controlling. You want him to behave in a way that is abnormal and uncomfortable to him because in your brain you have decided that only people who grope and touch in public actually love each other. IT'S NOT TRUE. And it's only your brain that has insisted on this being the case. So your choice is to continue believing that only people who touch in public love each other (something that is not true) or realize that you have trapped yourself and Charlie in a false belief, drop the false belief, and allow him to show his love HIS way. I wish you would read the Love Languages book and some Albert Ellis before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good. Yes, you probably are a little insecure. But so what? We're all broken and have issues. You have good reasons for your issues that that need to be respected. If your feelings can't be respected, let alone tolerated, you need to be true to yourself and tell him that unless this changes, you're going to have to reevaluate whether you want to be in relationship with him. He's wanting you to work on your issues without him putting forth equal effort to work on his, and that's what I see that's particularly problematic. Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good. exactly ...... a two way street. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 You are sabotaging this relationship. YOU MUST STOP INSISTING HE BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT. It's very controlling. You want him to behave in a way that is abnormal and uncomfortable to him because in your brain you have decided that only people who grope and touch in public actually love each other. IT'S NOT TRUE. And it's only your brain that has insisted on this being the case. So your choice is to continue believing that only people who touch in public love each other (something that is not true) or realize that you have trapped yourself and Charlie in a false belief, drop the false belief, and allow him to show his love HIS way. Bunk. So she's supposed to sublimate her needs, what makes HER feel comfortable in a relationship, in order to make him feel comfortable? WTF is that? That's what women do in abusive relationships. I know, I'm the poster girl for them....but IME this is the exact kind of behavior that fosters resentment. Ideally both people can communicate their needs and compromise to give some level of attention to your partner. Hell I did this with my exH and he didn't hit me. I just sat on my needs. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me needing the love and tenderness I craved because I didn't get that kind of affection from my mother. I was told that my expectation of affection was wrong. It totally twisted my head and made me vulnerable to being in relationships like that as an adult because it was drilling into my head that MY needs were wrong and weird, and I should just shut it to please other people because otherwise it was MY fault if things went wrong or if I felt uncomfortable. Why is it bad to desire someone to show you tenderness? Why is it wrong to want someone to touch you? IMO it's friggin bass-ackwards that some dude thought her FRIEND was her BF's WIFE. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 This one is actually shorter then normal. Believe it. I tried to condense it.. It's not easy when I AM a person of many words. I love communication and I am very detail oriented so its hard to control myself when communicating. I am not trying to be mean or hurtful when I say this, but most men don't want to hear all the details... From my experience, they want a concise and quick scenario of anything they need addressed. They don't want all the words and drama involved in getting to the problem - thus the solution to the problem. (yes they tend to want to fix things). Maybe try this more conservative approach and see if you get better results. If you have something to say - try to keep it to ten words or less.... specifying the issue, then WAIT to see what his response is. He may be saying more than you think he is, as when we are too busy trying to think of what we need to say next - we never listened to what they said in the first place.... For example - honey, - I need you to make me feel important to you.... Then wait - he will have SOME response, and whatever it is will tell you a lot. Yes, I am a woman..... Just try it and see how it affects your communication level and coping/problem solving situations.... Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good. Yes, you probably are a little insecure. But so what? We're all broken and have issues. You have good reasons for your issues that that need to be respected. If your feelings can't be respected, let alone tolerated, you need to be true to yourself and tell him that unless this changes, you're going to have to reevaluate whether you want to be in relationship with him. He's wanting you to work on your issues without him putting forth equal effort to work on his, and that's what I see that's particularly problematic. Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want. Becoming totally agree with you on this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 .......Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want. I try too but its gets out of hand with enuendos and I can't finish what I was trying to explain to him. That is why I said I needed to write it all down so I am giving the opportunity to communicate to him what is going on inside of me.. Before I realized what was bothering me (last Thurs) I was projecting what I was feeling -that he was more attracted to my gf (Carrie) then me and I realized I was projecting my feelings on something/someone else and that is not the case. I trust Charlie. I trust Carrie. It's normal for us as humans to try figure out what is causing the problems and sometimes we don't see the real underlying cause we only see the effects of it and what is showing on the surface and innocent persons or things can get blamed when they have nothing to do with it at all. I did make a few statements in the past to Charlie asking him if he was attracted to Carrie and if he was interested in her. (I was trying to figure out why I felt him being physically distant.) Since I asked him that he blames all my discomfort on not trusting him. Sometimes we are guilty of projecting our own problems and emptyness on innocent victims because we can't see or take responsibility for our selves. This is what I did at first until I figued out what my distress is.. I am thinking about wrting that letter to him anyway... If he doesn't read it everntually then I figure he really don't give a damn whether he is with me or not. If he truly cares about me and wants to work through this then he WILL read it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 Bunk. So she's supposed to sublimate her needs, what makes HER feel comfortable in a relationship, in order to make him feel comfortable? WTF is that? That's what women do in abusive relationships. I know, I'm the poster girl for them....but IME this is the exact kind of behavior that fosters resentment. Ideally both people can communicate their needs and compromise to give some level of attention to your partner. Hell I did this with my exH and he didn't hit me. I just sat on my needs. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me needing the love and tenderness I craved because I didn't get that kind of affection from my mother. I was told that my expectation of affection was wrong. It totally twisted my head and made me vulnerable to being in relationships like that as an adult because it was drilling into my head that MY needs were wrong and weird, and I should just shut it to please other people because otherwise it was MY fault if things went wrong or if I felt uncomfortable. Why is it bad to desire someone to show you tenderness? Why is it wrong to want someone to touch you? IMO it's friggin bass-ackwards that some dude thought her FRIEND was her BF's WIFE. Your life is parelelle to my childhood and past. OMG... I just saw myself TOTALLY in your post. It was a mirror reflection.. This is scary. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Your life is parelelle to my childhood and past. OMG... I just saw myself TOTALLY in your post. It was a mirror reflection.. This is scary. I've said that to myself before, reading your posts. Sometimes I'm like, woah, don't read pada's post today, otts, you're already mildly upset at whatever going on in your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 I've said that to myself before, reading your posts. Sometimes I'm like, woah, don't read pada's post today, otts, you're already mildly upset at whatever going on in your life! Now why couldn't one of us be a man. :lmao: We definetly wouldn't have any problem understanding one another... :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 As someone abused in the past, you may have trouble even knowing what your feelings are (because you weren't supposed to have any without fear of reprisals, right?). If you can get through it all, you're welcome to come join our strange musings on the "how do you recover from child abuse" thread. We're finding we all have similar issues with relationships--one of the primary ones being what Otter describes so well. You have a right to have your feelings respected. You probably don't believe this deep down, but you do. Of course Charlie has this right too, as well as the right to know what your feelings are without getting all caught up in what really is your inner turmoil of past stuff--the "normal" trauma-drama of emotions doing the dance of death in the brain of those who're still carrying around the effects of abuse. We project this onto others as a way of trying to figure out what's really going on with us. Try journalling or working things out on LS first before just reacting the Charlie with vague emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 You have a right to have your feelings respected. You probably don't believe this deep down, but you do. . No SHYT!Your feelings are not based on anything that is significant?. You do not need to give up what you want to satisfy the needs or lack of desire on their part to give to you what you want or need in a relationship. But you do not need to shut the door in his face, give him a chance to know that you are not perfect, you never will be and you desire, want, and deserve your needs to be met. If this is an important issue to you than it should be important to him as well. Meet half way..... I can see no reason why he would not be willing to give you a hug in the privacy of your own home....more so if you have asked him to do so. Have you asked if he could initiate physical non sexual contact in your home(s)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 Try journalling or working things out on LS first before just reacting the Charlie with vague emotions. This is why I am here!! I found LS when Michael walked out on me and I finished my 7 week uncoupling support group. I wanted something I could do on my own without leaving the comforts of my home or desk at work. I found LS.. I have since been on a roller coaster of ups and downs and self discovery. Now since Michael I am in a real relationship, once again, and I am challenged by new conflicts that I am seeking resolutions for. I want to be in a balanced, equal, loving, fun, supportive relationship. I am discovering if Charlie is the one I can do this with. I know there are bumps in every road; its whether or not you can get through the bumps without breaking. I have a total of approximately 17 years counceling under my belt.. Childhood Neglect & Abuse Counceling, Individual Counceling, Marriage Counceling, Rape & Abuse Counceling. I have read so many self-help books from my councelors as well as library and my own purchases. To bad we didn't have a book written in advance before events occurred so we knew how to handle them when they come at us... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Maybe some time apart from Charlie is in order.. like a few days or a week to see how you feel then.. You might be too close to the situation at this point and need to pull back to get a better picture of what is going on and how to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
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