First Fight

[Nur]

So... I think my boyfriend and I are having our first big fight. Normally we try to smooth over issues quickly, and I have a fairly even temper. But today, on the phone, I was in tears and more angry than I've been in a loooong while.

 

History: We've been going out nearly eight months. Mostly, we're great together. Our values match, we have amazing chemistry, we are each other's "first loves" and I care for him more than I've cared for any other guy. We've had a few mild tangles, yes, but always worked them out. I can see a future with him, and love him dearly, as he does me.

 

There's one problem, though, that I simply cannot stand. He has horrible, chronic unreliability. He'll say he'll be somewhere, and show up an hour late, or more. Or not show up at all. He'll say he'll call, and not do it. And I guess he doesn't give enough of a damn to tell me when he changes his plans.

 

For months I repressed my feelings, telling myself that was just a flaw of his, and I'd have to live with it. But I realized I really can't. I need to be able to depend on him, and not have this little voice in the back of my head saying, "He says he will, but you really don't know..."

 

Finally I talked about it with him. He seemed surprised that I was so deeply hurt -- I guess it never occured to him before. I told him the gravity of the problem, and he promised not to do it anymore -- he'd be punctual, or at least have the courtesy to let me know when he couldn't be. He'd be someone I could trust in, and not always have doubts about.

 

Yesterday, I guess, was just the breaking point. I had exciting news to tell him, and eagerly waited until he got out of school. To my disappointment, he had scarcely any reaction or enthusiasm (very unlike him) and said he was sorry but he had to get off the phone and do homework, but he'd call at 9:30 my time. I felt pretty disappointed that he didn't care at all about what I'd been looking forward to telling him, and knew perfectly well he didn't have six hours of homework (it was four his time) and could have spared a few minutes to talk to me about it.

 

I quelled my feelings, and figured that maybe he was distracted, or in the middle of something, and we could talk more when he called.

 

That night I walked extra-fast back to the dorm after history class, got ready for bed, and was back in my room by 9:15 in case he called early. I got out a book to read and waited. 9:30 came, and 9:45, and 10. No word whatsoever.

 

I put my book away, and tried to fall alseep for an hour with the burning feeling in my throat, like when you want to cry. I couldn't believe that after him knowing how much that hurt me, he would still have the utter disregard to ONCE AGAIN fail to follow up on what he says. He didn't even have the courtesy to send a text message offering a reason for his lack to call. He promised me, and look what happened. Disappointed yet again.

 

I'm just so sick of this. Sick of arguing, sick of disappointment, and sick of crying. I'm sick of him not being places when he say he will, not calling when he says he will, and not caring enough to tell me when he changes his plans. I guess I'm just some emotionless lump of rubber he can talk to or ignore at his leisure.

 

I never do this to him. Not ever. Even when I'm super busy, even when I could be doing other things, I make time to call him when I say I will. Why? Because I know it would hurt him if I didn't. Because I care about him. What does that leave me to think? After I've told him how I felt, he still doesn't give a damn.

 

I was crying as I spoke to him today, and angry. I told him basically what I wrote above, made plans to go home with someone else (he was supposed to pick me up) and told him I didn't feel like talking to him (he'd started mumbling some stupid "I like talking to you..." crap).

 

I don't know what to do. He hasn't called back (it's been all afternoon and is evening now) and I truly feel no desire to call him. When he does call, whever that is, I know that there is no excuse he can give for not calling me. There was no valid reason, he probably just "didn't get around to it" or whatever. I'm so tired of all this. I want my peaceful, emotionally stable life back. It's like now I'm always on some stupid emotional roller coaster between tenuous joy and repeating disappointment, and I don't like it.

 

Even if he promises (again) to change, I can't believe him anymore. I know I can't make him change, but I can't live with his utter disregard for my feelings either. It's a pity, but if he doesn't fix this, I know it will be the end of our relationship -- I'd rather be single than miserable.

 

I can't be with someone who fails to follow through on a regular basis without reason, especially when he's aware that it hurts me. I shouldn't be pleased and surprised when he actually shows up, or calls -- this is my boyfriend; it should be customary.

 

I've never had this big of a fight before, and I don't know what to do.

[Outcast]

Before you flip out entirely, go to any reputable ADD site (Dr. Amen's site at http://www.amenclinics.com is a good one) and do the tests for ADHD. Chronic inability to show up on time/keep one's promises/remember one's promises are all symptoms of ADHD. You think he does it because he's inconsiderate and you feel hurt but if he's ADHD, he literally cannot remember or manage his time well.

 

So before you drop this guy over something which may be due to an ailment, find out what's going on with him.

[Tru-Wild]

.....Wow, it may just sound like im saying this but, i really know how you feel. it's easy to see that you really feel for him, you've spent so much time to write such a long post which I would never have the patience to write:p its great that you value a relationship so much. i may be a guy, but i tend to be more emotionally conscious, i felt that feeling in the back of the the throat, and I know it all hurts. heh, guess your not looking for sympathy, more like advice, sorry. well here i go...

 

as i see things, it doesn't look like they guy cares as much as you may think, dont take my word as the truth, but looks like it with the information you've given me. if i was in that kind of situation, i'd give him one last chance. really sit him down and just let it all out like never before, at very least it should make him feel horrible, and if he doesn't, hes a b*stard and you should dump him. not returning your calls can mean a bunch of different things for example:

-he finds his own friends more important

-he finds his outside life more important

-he has something going on with another girl (he sure as hell better not)

-he thinks of you more as a possesion that he can use on occasion or not use

-....etc....the list goes on...

what my point is, any of these reasons is a totally horrible one, and if it continues, he really doesn't deserve a girl like you, I know that if somebody really does like/love another person, they will pounce on any oppertunity to communicate and just hear their wonderful voice...i know that is my case, i have fallen hard for a close friend, and just do not know how a will pull this off...but anyways, enough of my problems.

 

in the end, i think that what you want to do in this case is to send a truly heartfelt message to him, it sounds like you love him, and you will know for sure whether he is the right one for you. don't hesitate to end things if you know it won't work, prolonging it will just cause more hurt. just give him one last chance, and you'll truly know.

 

good luck and best wishes, Tru-Wild

 

ps. post back and let me know how it went!

[Outcast]

I forgot to mention - another symptom is that when they get absorbed in something, they lose all track of time as well as anything else they are supposed to do. And they're often not that great when it comes to empathy.

 

Really, check it out before you assume the worst of him.

[Tru-Wild]

outcast has a good point as well, you really should check. if he does suffer from this he should know that himself, so maybe you should ask him. but try not to offend him ok? i guess this is a case of intention, whether he means to do it or not. you know they say "its the thought that counts" keep it in mind

[Nur]

That's one of the reasons I'm so vexed. It doesn't make sense.

 

The logical conclusion I can draw from his actions (or lack thereof) is exactly as you listed, Tru. Does he really not care about me? Is there someone else? Would he rather just pilfer off his time with friends?

 

The thing is, my heart knows that's not true. I can say with certainty that he loves me as much as I do him -- probably more. There is no other girl for him, and he comes home to do homework after school. During the weekend, when I am actually with him, he spends all of his time with me, and loves every moment of it. I don't understand why, then, he fails to be on time, or doesn't even have the consideration to tell me when he won't call, but make me wait aimlessly for him time and time again. But it really hurts.

 

I know that if somebody really does like/love another person, they will pounce on any oppertunity to communicate and just hear their wonderful voice..

 

That's wonderfully stated, and exactly how I feel. The pain, then, comes from the question: then why doesn't he?!

 

Maybe you're right, Outcast. Maybe there is some sort of medical condition involved -- I never thought of that before. All I see is this blaring discrepancy between my hurt feelings at his utter lack of concern for me, and the other spectrum that I observe and feel, and that my heart knows -- that he loves me deeply. My head goes by his actions and what they logically mean, my heart by what it knows to be true, and they don't match. Thus, the roller coaster.

 

But he does get distracted easily, is often "slow" about doing his homework, and is not just late for me, but for everything -- he's even gotten in trouble in school for so many tardies, and grounded by his parents. I guess I should look into ADD some more.

 

Thanks for the swift replies, anyway. This problem is tearing apart what has the potential to be an amazing relationship, and it's breaking my heart as well. If he cannot fix it, as much as I'd hate to, I will not hesistate to end the relationship. I am not the Martyring type, and know that there are lots of other guys out there to meet someday.

[Nur]

I took the test on that site, Outcast, as if I were him, and it said there was a possibility of his having ADD. If he does, it's a mild form, but a lot of those questions sounded like him.

 

Now this opens a whole new can of worms...

 

How do I tell him he might have ADD? Will he want to go on medication for it? Can it be solved without medication? What will the side effects of medication be? What will I do if he doesn't take medication, or physically cannot change his behavior, and the situation doesn't change?

[whichwayisup]

You can't accuse him of having ADD. You can gently hint at it and acknowledge it.

 

It still comes down to the problems you were having before. Being number one in his life and you wanting to feel important to him. I'm sorry to say this but this guy isn't going to jump through hoops with you. He is your boyfriend, he loves you and is doing the best he can. But, his best may not be enough for you. I mean, if he goes 2 weeks doing exactly what you want and then slips back into old habits that is going to piss you off again...And the cycle starts up again, right? All I can tell is, accept him for who he is. Ofcourse he can make more of an effort, but he has been this way all his life. I'm betting he is late for other things, appt's etc, not just with you. Some people are just like this, ADD or not. You at some point have to decide if you can deal with this stuff. Again, ADD or not. If he has to go on meds, remember, it isn't about you. Him going on meds isn't just going to magically make him into what you want him to be- More attentive, more giving, thinking of you more often and putting you ahead of his school and other committments.

 

You two need to talk calmly, without getting upset and crying. Have that honest heart to heart and sort it out together. There has to be a middle ground.

[Tru-Wild]

just approach him gently, since he really loves you, as you say, he should agree to anything that would make the relationship better, don't hesitate follow your love.

 

by the way, its very good that you are prepared to move on if things don't work out, its great to see strong women, ready to take things into their own hands. fight the stereotypes!!!

 

remember, keep me updated please! I want to know what happens

[littlepiggy1]

As others have said, if it is a hard-wired trait (ADHD or no ADHD) expecting him to change it outright can be very difficult. I think of my own mother who is chronically late for everything. After talking with my aunt, it turns out this is something that goes back almost 40 years. Some people are just hard-wired certain ways.

 

If you are going to talk to him about it, don't be too confrontational or expect him to just up and change it. Even though it is a big issue for you, changing hard-wired traits isn't an easy thing to do. And especially if it could stem from a disorder, that could make it an even more sensitive issue.

[clandestinidad]

I agree w/ the other posters. Although I do have to say that if I were in a situation w/ someone that did have ADHD and the effects of it were hurting me, I'd have to reconsider whether or not it was something I personally could handle, since it probably wont change and I need certain things. Not sure if youre the same way, but its just something to think about.

 

I broke up w/ my boyfriend of a year and a half b/c of various reasons, but one of the biggest ones was what you've described. I couldnt deal with it anymore, and feel that my relationships should have certain elements in them (such as him being trustworthy, faithfull, follows through, etc) otherwise I dont function well with the person.

 

Its sounding like we are similar in that situation, and I can understand how hurtful and frustrating it is when someone who claims to love you so much doesnt seem to follow through with it. I would always tell him "well, I think when you truly love someone these things come naturally" and he'd say "well, they dont come naturally to me"....I finally realized that I couldnt wait/hope for things to change anymore, as it was starting to make me dysfunctional.

 

I'm telling you all that just to say that perhaps you should really think about what you want/need from someone. If the person youre with isnt doing what you need, and isnt changing anything, then maybe its time to move along to find someone that its not such a battle with. Those people ARE out there, to whom it comes naturally to give us what we need. Why waste time w/ someone youre miserable with and always feeling unloved, like something is 'off' or missing?

[bab]

Okay, whatever the reasons why this is a chronic problem, it doesn't sound like it's because he doesn't care about you. It probably just doesn't cross his mind that he should call you when he's going to be late. He has time management issues. This doesn't have any realtion to his feelings for you.

 

I have to call you out on this though:

 

told him I didn't feel like talking to him (he'd started mumbling some stupid "I like talking to you..." crap).

 

I don't know what to do. He hasn't called back (it's been all afternoon and is evening now) and I truly feel no desire to call him. When he does call, whever that is, I know that there is no excuse he can give for not calling me. There was no valid reason, he probably just "didn't get around to it" or whatever.

 

You're upset he hasn't called you?? You told him you didn't feel like talking to him! In my opinion that puts the ball in your court to call him. He has no reason to call you. He's probably waiting by the phone for you to "feel like talking" to him.

[whichwayisup]

Great post Kat!

 

You're upset he hasn't called you?? You told him you didn't feel like talking to him! In my opinion that puts the ball in your court to call him. He has no reason to call you. He's probably waiting by the phone for you to "feel like talking" to him.

 

That is a good point too bab. He may be abit confused too. Plus, just see it from this angle for a second. In his mind, what if he is so scared of disappointing you, it's just easier for him to be as he is and let things roll at their own pace. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but you got some real good advice to think about.

[Nur]

I mean, if he goes 2 weeks doing exactly what you want and then slips back into old habits that is going to piss you off again...And the cycle starts up again, right?

 

I wouldn't be as pissed off at all if I knew it was because of something beyond his control, not simple thoughtlessness or lack of caring. As for thinking of me... he thinks of me more than I do of him, and, when not "forgetting" to show up or call, is extremely affectionate and attentive. I've no complaints there.

 

Tru, thanks for the support. I will mention the possibility of it to him, but I am very averse to his going on meds for it. I did some research on them -- they damage the brain long-term, cause many physical side effects, and are very addictive. I would prefer that he be aware of the problem and try to counter it with behavior modification instead, or, if that doesn't work, maybe look for a milder synthetic medication.

 

Realizing that this might very well be an illness, not a lack of caring for my feelings, puts the issue in a new light. Rather than being confused, angry, and hurt at his apparent swing from being amazing when I see him and forgetful and seemingly uncaring when I am away, I see this as a constant problem he has. Chronic lateness. Chronically being in a hurry. Taking hours too long to do his homework, even though he is bright. Easy distractability. Forgetting to call, even though in any other emotional aspect of our relationship he is attentive and loving and I know he wouldn't purposely hurt me. It all adds up, and makes sense.

 

I hope that he can become aware of it, and strive to have patience with himself and understand the root cause. I will certainly be more understanding of it if it's not easily in his control, and he is making an effort to change. I, similarly, sometimes feel anxiety in large crowds, or am hormonal, but I willfully overcome those problems as best I can, and he is patient with me.

 

Now, if I was bitchy every day, or never wanted to go to parties, I wouldn't expect that he'd stay with me. Similarly, if he continues to consistently show up late or forget to call when he says he will without any evidence of improvement or effort on his part, he can't expect me to. You're right, Kat, that if he shows no change, I'll have to abandon ship. But I love him and I want him to have a chance, first.

 

I think, though, that we can work together on this. When we next talk, I'll discuss this, calmly and gently, with him.

 

Thanks again for the replies -- it has eased my mind greatly. I'll try to keep you all posted.

[Tru-Wild]

...sigh...i do like a happy ending, love is a beautiful thing. i very much agree with you not to take the meds, i hope i never implied that, and if i did, sorry. great choice of action ill stay tuned and keep my fingers crossed.

[BeFree]

Hey Nur,

 

You know I know your story already. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but my BF was almost exactly the same the first year and half we were together. It drove me crazy. But something inside me really knew that he cared about me. My family told me a million times to leave him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Other than his inability to be on time for a date and even show up sometimes, things were great. The first time I ever met his family they told me it was the only time Tony, had ever been on time. I realized then and there it was not just me. Tony had been doing this his WHOLE life. I am not really sure when or how things changed, but he suddenly figured out that it was important to follow thru with his promises to me and to show up on time for our dates. Strangely enough, I think I made such an impact on his life, that he is always on time for family events now. Tony is much older than your boyfriend. If Tony can come around so can your BF. Just keep letting him know how important it is to you for him to follow thru and he will sooner or later get it. I am the most uptight timely person I know and Tony is the most laid back person I know. We meet in the middle. I bet you and your BF can to. It may take him a while but he will probably get better. Good Luck Nur.

[Outcast]

if he does suffer from this he should know that himself,

 

Not at all. Because ADHD looks like bad character - witness Nur thinking he 'just doesn't care', people think they are bad people or flawed or stupid, not that they have ADHD. It's still not that well known and a lot of people still think it's a kids' disease only.

 

But he does get distracted easily, is often "slow" about doing his homework, and is not just late for me, but for everything -- he's even gotten in trouble in school for so many tardies, and grounded by his parents.

 

Evidence mounts.

 

How do I tell him he might have ADD?

 

There have been a lot of features on ADD on TV as well as stories in the news. You could 'find' a story online and then suggest he read it.

Will he want to go on medication for it?

 

He might when he learns how people with ADD feel about taking medication.

 

Can it be solved without medication?

 

Not really unless it's very very mild. But it's an actual biochemical issue - the frontal lobe isn't working the way it should. It can't just get fixed. Read all of Dr. Amen's site if you want tons of information. He's also written some excellent books.

 

What will the side effects of medication be?

 

He may not have any. His doctor can tell him all that stuff.

 

What will I do if he doesn't take medication, or physically cannot change his behavior, and the situation doesn't change?

 

He physically cannot change his behaviour. You cannot make your brain work right if it's not working right. It's like saying 'what if this blind guy can't make himself see?'. What he maybe can do is buy some of the aids that have been designed for folks with ADHD. For instance, there are reminder watches into which people can enter many alarms complete with reminders like 'go home' or 'call girlfriend'. But if the person has a pretty bad case, he may forget to enter the reminders or forget about them as soon as he's turned them off.

 

Some people even hire coaches to help them organize their lives.

 

I wouldn't be as pissed off at all if I knew it was because of something beyond his control, not simple thoughtlessness or lack of caring.

 

Exactly. Find the ADHD E-book by Dr. Marty Kutscher. It explains what ADD is very well. It talks about kids but the mechanism's the same.

 

did some research on them -- they damage the brain long-term, cause many physical side effects, and are very addictive.

 

I cannot begin to emphasize strongly enough that you have to be EXTREMELY careful when you 'do research' on the Internet. There are a lot of vehemently anti-med, anti-psychiatry groups (including Scientology) whose members call themselves 'doctors' and post utter garbage on the Internet.

 

If you want to do 'research', go to reputable sites. Dr. Amen is a Fellow of the APA (not an award given to many people). Go to NIH or AMA or the AAFP or Medscape for your information, not Dr. Joe-Bob's Beware of Ritalin Site.

 

Go to the national ADD associations - CHADD and ADDA (add.org) have their own sites. CHADD has a document signed by over a hundred physicians verifying that ADHD is a genuine medical condition. And the drugs used for ADHD are *not* addictive. In fact, folks with ADHD who are unmedicated often turn to alcohol or illegal drugs to self-medicate. When they go on proper medication controlled by a doctor, they don't need street drugs.

 

I would prefer that he be aware of the problem and try to counter it with behavior modification instead, or, if that doesn't work, maybe look for a milder synthetic medication.

 

There is *no* 'behaviour modification' that will work. It's not a behaviour issue. It's a brain actually not working issue. The physical brain. Have a look at the SPECT scan photos on Dr. Amen's site. Now lots more medical institutions are using brain scans to study ADHD and other such conditions. They clearly show how a person with ADD's brain looks different from the brain of someone who doesn't have it.

 

But first things first. He needs to get diagnosed - there are other conditions that can mimic ADHD and a doctor will have to do a proper differential diagnosis to rule them out.

 

So find a story about ADD or invent a story about someone who was always late and found out they had ADD or say you read on a forum about a couple who had similar problems and it turned out the guy had ADHD but be armed with information first. I think both add.org and chadd.org have lists of myths and facts that you can have on hand so if he says 'I can't have it - it's a kids' disease' you can say that no, in fact adults can have it right through their lives. And like that.

 

So good luck with this. If he's late for EVERYONE then it's not about not caring about you. It's a symptom.

[organic chemistry]

I took the test on that site, Outcast, as if I were him, and it said there was a possibility of his having ADD. If he does, it's a mild form, but a lot of those questions sounded like him.

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I wish my bf would do the same and go check out ADD info.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD. But he's just like one of those people who dun believe in ADHD. It's in our heads.

 

But I tried to get him to look at the checklist and acknowledge that's me right there. I can't sit still. I'm forgetful.

 

In a relationship I can do damages that I have no intention. Always being late is one of them. Procrastinating everything till the last min and piss off bf... Forgetting what he has told me seconds ago. And seems unthoughtful.

 

Well...in Nur's case...I don't know. It's possible that he has ADD. It could be that he's just not that into you. After being together for a year some guys will slack off. But since I know I have ADD and learn from mistakes, I write important things down coz I'll forget the next min. You can suggest him to that, see if it helps.

 

Gd luck.

[Nur]

I will speak with him tonight, hopefully. Before I say or decide anything, I want to hear his side. I want to determine once and for all if it's because he doesn't love me, or doesn't care for me (as can easily be assumed by some of his actions!) or if he does love me deeply, but his chronic forgetfullness and distractability is getting in the way of punctuality.

 

If it's the former, I am fully prepared to break up with him. I am not going to waste my life with a guy that's "just not that into me." I believe, though, that he loves me. When I have a problem, he's there for me, trying to make me laugh. Over the weekends he spends every spare minute of him time with me, especially lately. It's just that he's often late, or often forgets to call when I am not there in front of him to remind him. He says he thinks about me all day, but likes to wait till he has everything out of the way first to call me, and sometimes that just never happens.

 

If he has no good explanation, or convinces me that he does love me, but is struggling with an honest problem, I might suggest the possibility of ADD. My aunt has the disorder, actually. She talked to several psychiatrists who warned her about the risks, and the research I did about ADD medication side-effects was from reputable sites, like the one reccomended a few posts into the thread. My aunt's disorder is so severe that she needed powerful medication, and she knows that her life will be cut short because of it.

 

If he has ADD, it's mild. I am hoping that perhaps, if he is aware of it, he might willfully overcome it without medication. Sometimes I clutch up in crowds, which is a common holdover from prematurity. Rather than going on anti-anxiety medication, since it's mild, I've been able to try to take a mind-over matter approach. Rather than being bewildered and angry at myself, I know the cause, and can make mental adjustments to overcome it. Maybe the same can work for him. Both are biochemical conditions in the brain, but sometimes awareness can be of aid.

 

This talk tonight can go either way. I am fully prepared to break up with him if I must, if it turns out he no longer cares for me, or if he denies that this issue is a problem worth fixing (fails to take me seriously), though I truly hope that I will not have to resort to that. It would break both of our hearts.

 

An earlier post really hit home, though: why make a relationship a battle, where you always feel like something is off or missing, when another man out there would give you the feelings you are meant to have?

 

I know everyone has problems, and no one is perfect, but I expect him to willfully overcome his, just as I do mine. It would be a pity to leave him over something beyond his willfull control, but I can't live with the symptoms. I need and deserve better than to be always wondering if my boyfriend, who is supposed to be reliable and dependable, will bother showing up on time, if at all, and if that phone is even going to ring all night after a promised call. I can't have a foundation of doubts. After living with it for eight months, it's only magnified -- now it's coming to a head. I hope we reach a decision.

[SmoochieFace]

I know everyone has problems, and no one is perfect, but I expect him to willfully overcome his, just as I do mine. It would be a pity to leave him over something beyond his willfull control, but I can't live with the symptoms.

 

Wow, how interesting.

 

As an individual who has Asperger's (some Aspie traits are similar to ADD/ADHD) I would probably *beat you to the punch* and break up with you if you were my GF with your stance. Expecting someone to *willfully overcome* certain disorders is much easier said than done. And I'll be frank - I'd rather be alone enjoying my own company instead of struggling with my disorder with another person... ESPECIALLY if the *other person* is rigid such as you seem to be. Better to struggle alone than to struggle with someone who either doesn't understand or flat-out doesn't care.

 

Perhaps you two are better off not being with each other if he truly has a disorder such as ADD/ADHD or Asperger's.

 

He *deserves better* just as much as you do. Think about that.

[Nur]

Expecting someone to *willfully overcome* certain disorders is much easier said than done. And I'll be frank - I'd rather be alone enjoying my own company instead of struggling with my disorder with another person... ESPECIALLY if the *other person* is rigid such as you seem to be.

 

This is bringing the conversation pretty off-topic, but obviously I don't agree with any of that. Shielding yourself behind a list of disorders doesn't help anyone. If you are not willfully trying to control yourself, what use are you to yourself or anyone else? If I let my anxiety or hormones control me, I'd be a bitchy little hermit. If he lets his "distractedness" control him, and gives me no reason to believe in his reliabiliy, then good luck keeping me, or any other girl for that matter!

 

Maybe some girl would put up with it, I don't know. I was that girl for eight months, and I am sick of it, just like anyone would be. Not being able to believe in someone to call or be there when they say they will is just one list of disappointments after another, until finally the hurt is too deep and raw to bear.

 

I have high standards, and high expectations of myself and others, and I'm not going to be with someone that uses his "disorders" as an excuse without putting forth effort to fix problems he knows hurt me, just like I'd do for him. For example, I don't especially love parties, but he does. So I teach myself to love them. I grit my teeth, and go. And you know what? They're not that bad! My anxiety has decreased because I've made an effort to control it -- I haven't exclaimed, "Oh, no, I don't like crowds, you have to stay home with me instead! Wah wah!"

 

If he wants to feel sorry for himself and his "problems" he can go for it -- alone. But I don't need to be wasting my time with any of that. If he is truly going to work to make himself better, I will give him some time and patience, like he would do for me. If he is going to throw an "expecting someone to *willfully overcome* certain disorders is much easier said than done" at me, then boo hoo for him. I have no sympathy for that, especially since his case is so mild. I have problems of my own, and I fix them for him and to better myself. It's not easy, but I do it anyway. He can damn well return the favor, not make my life a misery. If he wants to get himself diagnosed or looked at, fine. If he wants to try to overcome it without medicine (I think his case is mild enough so that this is possible) then fine. But if he doesn't believe that I am being serious, is too lazy and self-pitying to try to overcome it, or is acting how he is because he doesn't care about me, then I'll have to end it.

 

It would be hard, but I'd get over it. I'm not going to get even more emotionally entagled in this battle if it is going to lose. A year from now I will be just as miserable, with a wasted year behind me. It'll be hard enough now as it is... the longer you are together, but more your lives intertwine, and sometimes people stay together far longer than they should, just because they fear breaking up.

[SmoochieFace]

Maybe some girl would put up with it, I don't know. I was that girl for eight months, and I am sick of it, just like anyone would be. Not being able to believe in someone to call or be there when they say they will is just one list of disappointments after another, until finally the hurt is too deep and raw to bear.

 

He probably feels the same way about you. Have you looked at it that way?

 

 

I have high standards, and high expectations of myself and others...

 

Lesson one: do not have *high expectations* of anyone else if you want them to be in your life. That especially wouldn't work with me - no way. Expectations almost border on manipulative blackmail to me. Either accept him for who he is or get out of his life so that he can either find someone who is less demanding of him or be alone.

 

 

For example, I don't especially love parties, but he does. So I teach myself to love them. I grit my teeth, and go.

 

Why do people do this? Why do they *force* themselves to do things that are unnatural for them? Why put yourself through that stress?

 

You should not have to change your personality to suit someone else. He shouldn't have to do the same thing just as well.

 

 

I haven't exclaimed, "Oh, no, I don't like crowds, you have to stay home with me instead! Wah wah!"

 

He shouldn't *have* to stay home with you if you do not like parties. He has a right to his *life* as much as you do. So you two are different when it comes to parties? Big whoop! What do you want... a clone of yourself?

 

 

If he wants to feel sorry for himself and his "problems" he can go for it -- alone.

 

This isn't about him *feeling sorry for himself*, IMO. I have AS but I don't *feel sorry for myself* because of it. I learn to deal with it and learn to accept what my limitations are and I am a happier person as a result. Of course, being with an understanding and accepting GF is icing on the cake too.

 

 

But I don't need to be wasting my time with any of that.

 

So don't. You are free to do whatever you want. No-one is telling you to stay. When my XW wanted to leave me I gladly held the door for her. Out she went. Raus!

 

 

I have no sympathy for that, especially since his case is so mild.

 

You don't know what his case is like until he has seen a professional. Don't be an armchair doc and come to what may be inaccurate conclusions.

 

 

He can damn well return the favor, not make my life a misery.

 

Oh please. The granddaddy of all cop-outs. HE'S making your life a misery? You sound like my Mommy Dearest. How about taking some responsibility and take control of YOUR life. You DO have a choice to stay or not to stay in your *miserable relationship*, right?

[littlepiggy1]

Nur, you can want what you want in a partner and for yourself. But expecting someone to just change for you, especially if it is something hard-wired and potentially a disorder, is NOT a healthy attitude at all. You're just going to end up hurting him and probably be unhappy yourself.

 

If he wants to feel sorry for himself and his "problems" he can go for it -- alone. But I don't need to be wasting my time with any of that.

 

To be blunt: It sounds like you aren't ready to be there for him. He probably would be better off alone if this is your attitude about this.

[SmoochieFace]

Nur, you can want what you want in a partner and for yourself. But expecting someone to just change for you, especially if it is something hard-wired and potentially a disorder, is NOT a healthy attitude at all. You're just going to end up hurting him and probably be unhappy yourself.

 

 

 

To be blunt: It sounds like you aren't ready to be there for him. He probably would be better off alone if this is your attitude about this.

 

EXACTLY.

 

Nur's attitude just comes off as being quite negative and she is acting as if she is somehow *superior* to her BF. It leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

[Tru-Wild]

personally, i don't agree with Smoochieface and littlepiggy. i truly beleive that if there is a problem that is hardwired, not just a simple inconsiderate point of view, that it can be worked around. Nur(forgive me, im not sure how to quote) when you said you gritted your teeth and went to the party, i think that is the essence right there of an understanding relationship. you didn't want to go, but you knew it was important to him so you went anyways. and guess what? it wasn't that bad, it sometimes takes different points of view. One cannot go searching their entire life for that one person that has the exact same likes and dislikes, because at the end, the only person one will find to be like this will be themselves. sacrifices must be made and agreements. it sounds like there is a lot of love inbetween you two, trust the process, love will be the driving force.

 

so, i guess you have a choice of paths to choose from here. if you ask me, i beleive that (as corny as it sounds)love will prevail. as long as his problem isn't intentional (it sounds like it isn't, there might be a good chance he has slight ADD, or maybe its just a personality trait), then it can be talked about, and something resolved. so far, i think you are taking the best course of action:) talk about it, and decide amongst yourselves what you will do.

 

good luck! Tru-Wild