A very StUBBORN BOYFRIEND

[bellaD]

What do you you do when your bf is soooo stubborn and has sooo much pride that he can't admit and realize that hes wrong and refuses to apologize. An argument with him is like an argument with a 12 yr old. It takes a week sometimes more of the silent treatment for him to realize!! We are in a fight right now which started b/c i hate the way he talkks to me and i would like some more TLC like he used to. I can't take it anymore. and he doesn't listen when i try and talk to him in a civil manor. He feels attacked all the time and shuts me out like hes the victim all of a sudden. how can i make him realize...what do i tell him??? your expertise would be greatly appreciated b/c im running outta solutions and patience!!!! Its goin on 2.5 weeks of this nonscence and still no progress w/ him. Its like hes playing a game!!

[bellaD]

I also miss him soo much. We have been together for a year and we are very very close. But I'm not giving in and calling and answering any of his stupid texts until he apologizes. I havn't seen him. =( But he is not calling either....he thinks he did nothing wrong! Talk about communication issues. AS each day goes by the angrier i get. I want to make this work but he needs to realize. What do I say to make him realize>\?!! and Hpw do I say it??

[whichwayisup]

He's probably always been that way, learned it from his parents, or had siblings he'd fight with growing up. It's an immature and petty way of handling disagreements and discussions. Someone has to be the winner (EGO) and someone has to lose (hurt feelings) and to me, that is just wrong!

 

The best way to deal with it is to tell him you aren't playing this game with him so when and IF he's ready to calmly talk to you in a respectful and honest way - TO LEAVE. He is used to having his way most of the time and uses these bullying tactics to win. And then pulling the victim s*** on you, is a wonderful way of making you feel guilty...It's very controlling and manipulative of him to do this.

 

Does he have other anger issues? Mood swings? Has he said to you, this is the way I am, either accept it or don't because I'm not changing?? IF so, then you got trouble and you need to decide if you want someone like this in your life.

 

If he can't give and listen to you, just hear you out without getting pissed off, that is selfish of him. Part of being in a relationship is GIVE and TAKE. Compromising. Does he know this? Or is it all about him?

[climbergirl]

He's probably always been that way, learned it from his parents, or had siblings he'd fight with growing up. It's an immature and petty way of handling disagreements and discussions. Someone has to be the winner (EGO) and someone has to lose (hurt feelings) and to me, that is just wrong!

 

The best way to deal with it is to tell him you aren't playing this game with him so when and IF he's ready to calmly talk to you in a respectful and honest way - TO LEAVE. He is used to having his way most of the time and uses these bullying tactics to win. And then pulling the victim s*** on you, is a wonderful way of making you feel guilty...It's very controlling and manipulative of him to do this.

 

Does he have other anger issues? Mood swings? Has he said to you, this is the way I am, either accept it or don't because I'm not changing?? IF so, then you got trouble and you need to decide if you want someone like this in your life.

 

If he can't give and listen to you, just hear you out without getting pissed off, that is selfish of him. Part of being in a relationship is GIVE and TAKE. Compromising. Does he know this? Or is it all about him?

 

Wow. So true and hits close to home. My experience is that until he realizes that what he is doing is so destructive to your relationship and accomplishes absolutely nothing...........this cycle will continue. He has to understand that there are two people in this relationship, two individuals....his feelings aren't the only ones that are important. Until he does, you will get no where with him!

[bellaD]

I think you are all right. The sad part he still hasn't called me b/c he thinks "poor him" you know. I dont know what to do... Should i still continue not to call. Hold my ground and show him that i mean business. Who does he think he his?? ugh im so mad but then i miss him and just wish he would realize. I've gotten this far so there's no sense in given in and being the one to try and make things work. Sooo confused guys... give me a game plan to go with.... =(

[Anyways]

my ex bf and i broke up due to those same reasons. when we have fights and disagreements he becomes so stubborn and has so much pride to say sorry. he says sorry at times but very rare. he got jealous a few times and he would hardly admit it (duh....most men have a hard time doing that). he also thinks he's the victim. he always thinks the worst of the situation and of me and thinks that i did something on purpose to hurt him. we at times didn't talk for a week. the fights we had were really nothing major in my opinion and it really didn't have to go too far. since i was the one he was mad at, i gave in bc i do understand why he was mad but i told him my side. when i get mad, he's the one that gives in.

 

our break up was mutual and i do miss him a lot but i am getting over him little by little bc i can't be in a relationship like that. he used to communicate more but he changed. we were together for almost a year and eventhough he becomes so stubborn, he was still a great bf when it came to other issues. he does have a lot to offer that is why i think he has a lot of pride. i also do have a lot to offer that is why i don't want to be bothered with it. i admit that i have pride too but mine is nothing compared to his. he is 3x more.

 

he's called me a few times and texted me after the break up and i have a feeling that during some of those times...that he wanted to get back together. however, knowing him, he would never say it bc he has too much pride. i definitely won't say it bc his pride has prevented us to grow and i don't want to make the same mistakes anymore bc i feel that he's still very stubborn and i really doubt that will change.

 

i think that you should tell him that you love him or care about him a lot and that you want the relationship to work. but, you can't keep having these fights that last this long bc it is not healthy. tell him that the relationship is not a game and that all this immaturity is getting out of hand. tell him that you understand him and that you will be willing to compromise whatever (what you fought about). tell him that communication is important and that you guys are not going to grow or move on if this keeps happening. just make sure that you're patient and calm and also that he knows you still care. but after sometime and he still doesn't communicate and does the same thing....just consider your options. if he doesn't make an effort to change it will really make you unhappy in the future and you will end up resenting him.

 

i never told all of those things with my ex bc i just got fed up. if i tried harder, we might...might still be together but i sure hell won't be the only one trying bc the same cycle will continue. plus, there are other things that bothered me too. i felt like i had no more to give and i didn't even try as much bc i sensed that he was giving up on me too. later on, i sensed that he was actually testing me to see if i would say "don't leave me or i would never want to lose you". i'm so sick of those tests, he thinks that if i really cared for him that i would never have let him go (he said this in the past). he mentioned breaking up first and if he really cared he wouldn't have said that...to me that meant he didn't care enough about me and i am willing to accept that. i thought about it plenty of times too but never said it bc am very serious with breaking up and i don't want to regret it. i don't want to have a relationship where we break up and make up so many times (my last relationship of 5 years was like that and i was very unhappy). i don't believe in that. i am not his ego booster. i think that somenoe shouldn't beg for another to stay. he's used to his ex gfs begging him to stay and i'm the complete oppposite. i don't want to waste my time. my time is precious.

 

now....its been 1 1/2 mos. and we talk and hung out a few times. i'm not doing that bad...i miss him but i'm not going crazy crying bc i know that i'm still young and i won't waste my time with someone that doesn't put as much effort in the relationship as i will bc it i will only be destructive in the future. i'd rather have it end now while we are still friends and on good terms. i don't want our breakup to be nasty. breakups actually push me to do greater and better things in life. i had more time to work out and i lost weight plus i just got offered a better job....life goes on.

 

good luck!!!

[blind_otter]

Personally I don't see the point in pursuing a relationship where you don't get some baseline level of respect. I've done it before and you know what - all it gets you is a lot of effort, exhaustive effort, to make someone happy and to force yourself to be happy with scraps.

 

You can't "make" someone treat you better. You can ask, you can present your case, and if they ignore you or your needs the chances are they will NEVER be able to treat you the way they treated you when you were first together. Because that was when they were on their best behavior during the honeymoon period.

 

I'm sick of seeing men OR women in bad relationships waiting and waiting for the other person to change back into someone they never were in the first place.

[TeaCooler]

We are in a fight right now which started b/c i hate the way he talkks to me and i would like some more TLC like he used to.

 

i know some girls need this, i know...but you don't realize how pathetic and annoying it sounds for a guy to hear it. you have to go about it a different way. you come off as clingy and needy, and that is what is sending him running.

[bellaD]

my ex bf and i broke up due to those same reasons. when we have fights and disagreements he becomes so stubborn and has so much pride to say sorry. he says sorry at times but very rare. he got jealous a few times and he would hardly admit it (duh....most men have a hard time doing that). he also thinks he's the victim. he always thinks the worst of the situation and of me and thinks that i did something on purpose to hurt him. we at times didn't talk for a week. the fights we had were really nothing major in my opinion and it really didn't have to go too far. since i was the one he was mad at, i gave in bc i do understand why he was mad but i told him my side. when i get mad, he's the one that gives in.

 

our break up was mutual and i do miss him a lot but i am getting over him little by little bc i can't be in a relationship like that. he used to communicate more but he changed. we were together for almost a year and eventhough he becomes so stubborn, he was still a great bf when it came to other issues. he does have a lot to offer that is why i think he has a lot of pride. i also do have a lot to offer that is why i don't want to be bothered with it. i admit that i have pride too but mine is nothing compared to his. he is 3x more.

 

he's called me a few times and texted me after the break up and i have a feeling that during some of those times...that he wanted to get back together. however, knowing him, he would never say it bc he has too much pride. i definitely won't say it bc his pride has prevented us to grow and i don't want to make the same mistakes anymore bc i feel that he's still very stubborn and i really doubt that will change.

 

i think that you should tell him that you love him or care about him a lot and that you want the relationship to work. but, you can't keep having these fights that last this long bc it is not healthy. tell him that the relationship is not a game and that all this immaturity is getting out of hand. tell him that you understand him and that you will be willing to compromise whatever (what you fought about). tell him that communication is important and that you guys are not going to grow or move on if this keeps happening. just make sure that you're patient and calm and also that he knows you still care. but after sometime and he still doesn't communicate and does the same thing....just consider your options. if he doesn't make an effort to change it will really make you unhappy in the future and you will end up resenting him.

 

i never told all of those things with my ex bc i just got fed up. if i tried harder, we might...might still be together but i sure hell won't be the only one trying bc the same cycle will continue. plus, there are other things that bothered me too. i felt like i had no more to give and i didn't even try as much bc i sensed that he was giving up on me too. later on, i sensed that he was actually testing me to see if i would say "don't leave me or i would never want to lose you". i'm so sick of those tests, he thinks that if i really cared for him that i would never have let him go (he said this in the past). he mentioned breaking up first and if he really cared he wouldn't have said that...to me that meant he didn't care enough about me and i am willing to accept that. i thought about it plenty of times too but never said it bc am very serious with breaking up and i don't want to regret it. i don't want to have a relationship where we break up and make up so many times (my last relationship of 5 years was like that and i was very unhappy). i don't believe in that. i am not his ego booster. i think that somenoe shouldn't beg for another to stay. he's used to his ex gfs begging him to stay and i'm the complete oppposite. i don't want to waste my time. my time is precious.

 

now....its been 1 1/2 mos. and we talk and hung out a few times. i'm not doing that bad...i miss him but i'm not going crazy crying bc i know that i'm still young and i won't waste my time with someone that doesn't put as much effort in the relationship as i will bc it i will only be destructive in the future. i'd rather have it end now while we are still friends and on good terms. i don't want our breakup to be nasty. breakups actually push me to do greater and better things in life. i had more time to work out and i lost weight plus i just got offered a better job....life goes on.

 

good luck!!!

WOW ANYWAYS!! We really did have the same boyfriend!! YOujust described by exact relationship...my exact bf....and the exact situation i am in! Wow! But that scares me b/c it seems people like that will never change and i really love him. And its hard to get him to pay attention to anthing i have to say for more than 2 seconds. So far, we havn't spoken all weekend!! Its now sunday morning. When do you think i should call?? Or should i call?? He'll probably think i was out partying all weekend b/c of NC....caouse yo know..negative mentality about everything. Should i just wait a couple of days??

[whichwayisup]

Do not call. I know it's painful for you, but by not calling YOU are setting up new boundries and rules of what you WILL and WON'T put up with from him.

 

Right now, the way he is acting, he doesn't deserve to hear from you. IN your mind, this isn't a game, k. This is you doing something for your own sanity. In his mind, I'm sure he's thinking you're playing a game. AND, if in a week he doesn't call - DO you really want a guy like that in life??? Do you want to waste energy on someone who doesn't respect you? I'm sure he loves you, but there are 100 conditions on that love - So it is unhealthy!

 

Don't call him, please. For your own sake. Keep busy, GO out and spend time with your friends/family. If you sit and wait for him, you'll feel worse.

[bellaD]

OK. Will stick to not calling. Your right, it is hard but i am keeping busy. However, I find myself always checking my phone (lol).

[Anyways]

so, you fought bc of the way he talks to you and bc you need tlc??? can you break that down??? what kind of attention do you really need? are you sure you're not being too clingy and expecting too much? hmmm....that's something diff from my past situation bc my ex actually gave me a lot of tlc. he's a very affectionate man and he always made time for us. i definitely wouldn't call him if that's the case. the only reason i ended up calling my ex before is when he got jealous with the other guys i used to date. it was an understandable situation bc if it was the other way around, i might have gotten jealous too. i just got mad at him for not listening to my side and when he jumped to conclusions. he also got upset this one time i was with a male friend of mine that models. he thought that i was purposely leaving info out when we were hanging out (that's a really long story). my ex did give me the silent treatment but he never yelled at me or anything like that. he's always been calm about everything.

 

how old are you? what exactly do you like about him if he doesn't give you tlc?

[Mary3]

I am not condoning anything that he said or did to you but in reality Men think differently than Women.

 

Your actions and pleadings are driving him AWAY. The more you demand the more his mind shuts down. I know that he is being disrespecful towards you but here is how you handle that :

 

YOU give only what you GET.

 

What are you getting ? Absolutely nothing ~

 

What can you do ? Nothing

 

Why ? Because he is shutting down

 

Answer ? Treat him as if he is not important and does not exist.

 

No Contact.

 

End this fiasco.

 

And next time think about how the mind of the man works. I am not saying what he does or any man does is right or wrong.

I'm saying they work differently.

 

They dont disect their feelings. They dont talk about their feelings. They dont want to deal with your feelings. They feel umcomfortable with feelings. They have been programmed since little boys to be a MAN . They are more analytical , more mechanical , more survivors. They are not like us females.

 

Once you understand how his mind really works you can stop trying to make him give you the things you need. He will give them or he is GONE !

 

Meaning, its either going to come naturally for him or he is out the door with his own issues...

[Walk]

I'm just going to give another side to this... and if you feel it applies, then use it.. if not, then just discard.

 

I've been in situations before where my SO has felt that I'm not listening, being too prideful, and not attempting to resolve their issue with me. (defensive, obstinent)

 

Usually it's because my SO would come to me and say I wasn't communicating the way he would like, or I wasn't giving enough physically. I would get defensive and angry because I felt I was giving in direct proportion to what I was recieving. And no amount of my saying that to the other person would change their mind. He felt I was just saying that as a way to get out of blame for not giving enough.

 

So my question is, what's his side of the story? What did he say when you told him that you didn't feel he was giving enough TLC? You said this argument started because you hate the way he talks to you? What are you referring to? Not saying you are wrong in asking he change his communication style, but wondering if the two of you aren't feeding off of each others defensiveness. If he feels he brought up a legitimate problem and you got upset because of the way he speaks to you, then he would feel you were the one who is being defensive and prideful. And perhaps he feels that you are attempting to place blame on him in a way to avoid dealing with whatever he brought up? (As I said, I don't know if this applies or not, just throwing out ideas and thoughts.)

 

If this is the case, (still doesn't excuse his style of communication) then he is not going back down and give in, because he feels you are not listening to him. It'll continue to feed off of each others reactions. If you won't call after he's sent several text messages, why would he feel that you would be willing to talk to him if he called. And you feel that if he won't call you, then if you called it would prove weakness, and as though you are giving in.

 

Problem is, it doesn't solve anything. So at this point you really need to decide if who he is, in reflection on your relationship, is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. NOT who you wish or think he could be, but who he is right now. The person he is and the way he responds to things. If you find you are more unhappy then happy in the relationship, then instead of working things out you need to end this relationship.

 

However, if you feel that he is the person you would want to spend your life with, without changing him, then call him and attempt to find a comprimise. People's pride gets in the way all the time. Sometimes, even if we feel it is the others fault, we need to take the higher road and initiate communication again. Give our SO a way to save face even if both of you know he/she is the one who is wrong. You can address the problem again later in a calmer, more rational manner after the two of you are able to diffuse the situation. But someone has to step up and say they are willing to find a solution that will help both parties benefit. Kind of like holding out the olive branch. Propose a truce in which negotiations can happen.

 

But ONLY, if after soul searching you decide that this is the person you can live with (as he is) for the rest of your life. Otherwise, start the process of dissolving the relationship now, so that you can move on with your life and happiness as soon as possible.

[bellaD]

Hi all. It is now monday, Day who knows of this argument. He calls me this morning. Now, just to refresh your memories, we havn't spoken in almost a week. No contact what-so-ever. He calls me and says, "you have some nerve not calling me all week." After he said that, i then realized in a split second that this entire weekend of NC has accomplisehed nothing. He just doesnt get it!! And i'm thinking to myself as we are arguing, im staying home, too upset to go out and have a good time, i'm on loveshack.org getting advice, and why?? I have no idea!!! I was hysterical all morning...still am. I'm like, alls i was asking for was a dam apology!!! For you to say, "hun, i'm sorry, i shouldn;t speak to you that way." Not hard, not a lot to ask. His pride will not let him see that. I'm so upset b/c i was trying so hard to be strong all weekend and not call him, to prove a point, thinking he would come around. But no. Alls he is concerned about is how i could've called him. He says the phone works both ways. Then im crying on the phone and hes like- i can;t deal with right now....i'll call ya lata. UGGHHH im so frustrated. I want to say, "anthony, we should just go our seperate ways." But then he will use me breraking up w/ him against me, like a grudge, playing poor victim. Somebody....what is goin on????

[climbergirl]

Hi all. It is now monday, Day who knows of this argument. He calls me this morning. Now, just to refresh your memories, we havn't spoken in almost a week. No contact what-so-ever. He calls me and says, "you have some nerve not calling me all week." After he said that, i then realized in a split second that this entire weekend of NC has accomplisehed nothing. He just doesnt get it!! And i'm thinking to myself as we are arguing, im staying home, too upset to go out and have a good time, i'm on loveshack.org getting advice, and why?? I have no idea!!! I was hysterical all morning...still am. I'm like, alls i was asking for was a dam apology!!! For you to say, "hun, i'm sorry, i shouldn;t speak to you that way." Not hard, not a lot to ask. His pride will not let him see that. I'm so upset b/c i was trying so hard to be strong all weekend and not call him, to prove a point, thinking he would come around. But no. Alls he is concerned about is how i could've called him. He says the phone works both ways. Then im crying on the phone and hes like- i can;t deal with right now....i'll call ya lata. UGGHHH im so frustrated. I want to say, "anthony, we should just go our seperate ways." But then he will use me breraking up w/ him against me, like a grudge, playing poor victim. Somebody....what is goin on????

 

He withdraws after an argument for a long period of time, even after he knows how much this bothers you and hurts you---(he's right, though, phone does work both ways....however, if he is doing this repeatedly you calling him seems more like groveling)

 

You cry and are upset and he again withdraws...instead of being man enough to deal with anything he deems unpleasant---

 

He paints himself as the victim and refuses to validate your feelings--

 

Is this really a person you want to be with?? I understand that there are probably great things about him when things are going well, but a great measure to me is how a man reacts under adversity. Believe me, there'll be plenty with anyone you choose to be with for the rest of your life. The difference being is that some people can work on that in a proactive way and become a stronger couple whereas some couples go into their corners until the bell rings.

 

 

Basically, this man isn't owning up to his own **** and is seemingly quite happy letting you carry the weight.

 

Ask yourself this question.......if Anthony said XX hurt him and what you were doing was destructive to this relationship...would you stop or at least try to stop??? Whatever your answer............expect the same from him.

 

I know you love him, but honestly, he isn't acting very loving towards you. At the very least, to him, it's more important for you to show him you love him than him showing you. This shouldn't be a contest...........

 

 

I'm truly not trying to be pessimistic.....I just don't want you banging your head against a brick wall like I have recently done.

[bellaD]

He withdraws after an argument for a long period of time, even after he knows how much this bothers you and hurts you---(he's right, though, phone does work both ways....however, if he is doing this repeatedly you calling him seems more like groveling)

 

You cry and are upset and he again withdraws...instead of being man enough to deal with anything he deems unpleasant---

 

He paints himself as the victim and refuses to validate your feelings--

 

Is this really a person you want to be with?? I understand that there are probably great things about him when things are going well, but a great measure to me is how a man reacts under adversity. Believe me, there'll be plenty with anyone you choose to be with for the rest of your life. The difference being is that some people can work on that in a proactive way and become a stronger couple whereas some couples go into their corners until the bell rings.

 

 

Basically, this man isn't owning up to his own **** and is seemingly quite happy letting you carry the weight.

 

Ask yourself this question.......if Anthony said XX hurt him and what you were doing was destructive to this relationship...would you stop or at least try to stop??? Whatever your answer............expect the same from him.

 

I know you love him, but honestly, he isn't acting very loving towards you. At the very least, to him, it's more important for you to show him you love him than him showing you. This shouldn't be a contest...........

 

 

I'm truly not trying to be pessimistic.....I just don't want you banging your head against a brick wall like I have recently done.

i love him like i never loved another guy in my life. Me and him got tattoos of eachothers names on our bodies 4months into the realtionship!! What hurts the most and what makes me cry constantly is when i ponder how someone who says they love someone so much and for someone who says they want to spend the rest of your life with you does not care to hear anything you have to say or doesn't give a **** how hurt you are!! i dont get it. do you think one of my mistakes is letting him hear me cry??? should i not do that?? i showed my weakness a few times today- and alls he could say is- i dont wanna deal with right now.... IM DONE!!! I TRIED I SAID MY PEACE!!! My heart can't handle anymore pain!! Ha- don;t you see now how its like he turned everything on me. WOW. what am i doing people?? IM hurt!!! im confused?!! And your right- i dont lknow what im doin w. him!!! =(

[Mary3]

You are showing your emotions and he does not want to deal with them.

 

I still stand by NC. It wasnt a * trick * to see what would happen.

 

Its for YOU to heal and stop thinking about this person.

 

As I said before he can't handle your emotions. Alot of men don't want to deal with that.

[Walk]

i love him like i never loved another guy in my life. Me and him got tattoos of eachothers names on our bodies 4months into the realtionship!! What hurts the most and what makes me cry constantly is when i ponder how someone who says they love someone so much and for someone who says they want to spend the rest of your life with you does not care to hear anything you have to say or doesn't give a **** how hurt you are!! i dont get it. do you think one of my mistakes is letting him hear me cry??? should i not do that?? i showed my weakness a few times today- and alls he could say is- i dont wanna deal with right now.... IM DONE!!! I TRIED I SAID MY PEACE!!! My heart can't handle anymore pain!! Ha- don;t you see now how its like he turned everything on me. WOW. what am i doing people?? IM hurt!!! im confused?!! And your right- i dont lknow what im doin w. him!!! =(

Sounds like my bf. You say "I feel like you never listen to me." He says, "Why should I, you do ... (insert whatever he's come up with)."

 

You say, "It really hurts me, and I feel disrespected when you do this." He says, "That's who I am, and you knew that when we got together."

 

You cry, he walks away, hangs up on you, or yells.

 

You bend over backwards to make sure he's happy, and when he says something bugs him you work toward changing it. I bet he never see's that?

 

Yet when you have a problem with something he has done, or way he acted, he blows up at you for even sugesting he's not perfect. Does this sound about right?

 

I know you are upset, and extremely hurt. You need to take some time away from this situation. IMO, he does not want to learn how to work on problems constructively. That's what couples who make it, strive to do... they work together to solve problems. They learn together how to communicate to each other.

 

If you choose to try to work this out, then the only way is to get him to understand that he HAS to talk to you calmly and rationally. You have to do the same. If he calls, or you call him, as soon as it starts to get out of hand explain that emotions are too high, and the two of you need a time out until the two of you can talk about it calmly. Stick to your guns on this. Don't hang up on him. But reiterate, that it will be a discussion, not a "fight". And you will talk to him when he calms down again. Every time he blows up, you can't react in the same way. You have to keep a level head. You have to dictate the rules of arguing to him. Then stand up for it. If it requires that you tell him not to call until he can speak to you rationally, then do it and give him space. But you have to explain this to him, explain why you are not speaking to him, and leave the door open for him to contact you when/if he is ready to speak to you like a human being again.

 

This is the only way I've been able to deal with my bf. He feels I can't have a problem with his actions since he's perfect. I don't walk out on him, or hang up on him, I treat him as I expect and deserve to be treated. But I set guidelines and rules for how I will talk to him, and I will not "argue" with him if he breaks these rules. I explain why I am stopping the argument, and take my leave, and let him know when he is calm I will speak with him again. Otherwise, all we do is yell, and throw hurtful things back and forth. It didn't work. You have to change how you react to him first, set guidelines that cannot be broken, and communicate those to him. If he refuses to follow them, then go away until he will.

 

You can't live the way you are. You can't just accept he will blow up at you for every little problem you may have. Treat him like a child (still being respectful) and explain the rules and how the two of you will discuss things. Don't deviate from those rules. And remove yourself from the situation as soon as it starts to get out of hand. Remind him of the rules, gauge his reaction, and if he refuses to follow them, don't continue speaking to him on the topic. No couple can solve their problems when they are yelling, crying, and hurling insults.

 

IMO, he doesn't deserve you, and you would be a thousand times better off with out this child in your life.

[bellaD]

Sounds like my bf. You say "I feel like you never listen to me." He says, "Why should I, you do ... (insert whatever he's come up with)."

 

You say, "It really hurts me, and I feel disrespected when you do this." He says, "That's who I am, and you knew that when we got together."

 

You cry, he walks away, hangs up on you, or yells.

 

You bend over backwards to make sure he's happy, and when he says something bugs him you work toward changing it. I bet he never see's that?

 

Yet when you have a problem with something he has done, or way he acted, he blows up at you for even sugesting he's not perfect. Does this sound about right?

 

I know you are upset, and extremely hurt. You need to take some time away from this situation. IMO, he does not want to learn how to work on problems constructively. That's what couples who make it, strive to do... they work together to solve problems. They learn together how to communicate to each other.

 

If you choose to try to work this out, then the only way is to get him to understand that he HAS to talk to you calmly and rationally. You have to do the same. If he calls, or you call him, as soon as it starts to get out of hand explain that emotions are too high, and the two of you need a time out until the two of you can talk about it calmly. Stick to your guns on this. Don't hang up on him. But reiterate, that it will be a discussion, not a "fight". And you will talk to him when he calms down again. Every time he blows up, you can't react in the same way. You have to keep a level head. You have to dictate the rules of arguing to him. Then stand up for it. If it requires that you tell him not to call until he can speak to you rationally, then do it and give him space. But you have to explain this to him, explain why you are not speaking to him, and leave the door open for him to contact you when/if he is ready to speak to you like a human being again.

 

This is the only way I've been able to deal with my bf. He feels I can't have a problem with his actions since he's perfect. I don't walk out on him, or hang up on him, I treat him as I expect and deserve to be treated. But I set guidelines and rules for how I will talk to him, and I will not "argue" with him if he breaks these rules. I explain why I am stopping the argument, and take my leave, and let him know when he is calm I will speak with him again. Otherwise, all we do is yell, and throw hurtful things back and forth. It didn't work. You have to change how you react to him first, set guidelines that cannot be broken, and communicate those to him. If he refuses to follow them, then go away until he will.

 

You can't live the way you are. You can't just accept he will blow up at you for every little problem you may have. Treat him like a child (still being respectful) and explain the rules and how the two of you will discuss things. Don't deviate from those rules. And remove yourself from the situation as soon as it starts to get out of hand. Remind him of the rules, gauge his reaction, and if he refuses to follow them, don't continue speaking to him on the topic. No couple can solve their problems when they are yelling, crying, and hurling insults.

 

IMO, he doesn't deserve you, and you would be a thousand times better off with out this child in your life.

Great advice! He is a baby! And does need to be treated like one. And why is it men can't deal with emotions?? What is it about emotions that make it difficult for men to deal with??

 

I'm not going to make anymore attempts to contact him or anymore attempts to mae things better. I'm actually afraid if he calls how the conversation is goin to end. I don;t even know what our status is!!! I tried asking him at the end of our conversation yesterday (u know, when i was all upset) what he wants, and hes like "i don't know, i need time." Now, this whole argument started b/c I WAS UPSET W? THE WAY HE TALKS TO ME... now he needs time??!! I DON"T GET IT HIM!! NOW SOMEHOW IT SEEMS THE BALL IS IN COURT AND IM NOT EVEN PLAYING THE GAME THAT HE IS!!

 

Tell me what you guys make of this. Today, i'm at work. And i was very busy (still no phone call from yesterday) I get a text message which i didnt get till an hour or two after it was sent. It was from my bf or whatever he is and it said "how you doin". So then i call up all my girlfreinds in the office to get their opinions and they said just say your fine and leave it at that. So i do just that. I text back "im fine" he texts back "just askin". I left it at that. What was the point of that??!! Why is he doin this to me. Why am i not worth talkin to after ALLLLLLLL we've been thru....after an amazing year??!! what is wrong wi/ picture?? what was up with that text???

 

My self esteem is somewhere on the bottom of my shoes. And im becoming very bitter towards men and relationships in general.

 

I cry at night, at the end of a day when there is no phone call.... =(

 

PS

YOu guys have been great and i've been following all your advice !!!!!!!!

[Mary3]

I really feel for you when you say that at the end of the day you cry because he does not call you and cares not about the last year you have both spent together.

 

I strongly suggest you read Catch Him and Keep Him . You will understand after reading this book why your bf closes up, why he distances himself, why he does not show emotion, why he does not think the way you think he should , why you are sad and how you can change to UNDERSTAND men and then not make the same errors.

 

I am not saying what he did was right. I am still saying that men think differently and until you understand the why's and how's of a mans real thinking you are going to still be frustrated.

 

You will be saying : "Oh I get it ! "

 

Also it will help you to not make the same mistakes that drove him away. I know that sounds mean but we women can drive them away. It isnt fair that men do some of the things that they do but its at least better to UNDERSTAND them and try to rethink some of the things you do.;

 

There is no excuse for half of what he did but there is a REASON he acts the way he does....

[Walk]

I think Mary3's advice about the book is good. I've been studying up on how men communicate, and many of the things I took as him not caring about how I feel, were ingrained was men communicated. Like never facing you when you speak, and not making much eye contact. They've done studies on boys age 6, 8, and 15, and each time this is how they reacted when speaking to their best friends. The girls of the same age in the study, faced each other, made eye contact and even touched. Boys never did.

 

Overall, it helps to know some of the things guys do that seem so rude and as if they don't care, are behaviors they've had since they were very young.

 

However, sometimes we shouldn't have to "adapt" to the way our bf's treat us. If you feel it is rude, and you are asking for consideration, you've talked to him and explained yourself... then it's his responsibility (as your significant other) to attempt to adapt, or comprimise, or tell you he cannot change. But if you understand the basics of how men communicate, then you can better understand what a man can, or can't, change in the way they communicate. And then you can call bunk when he tells you it's just the way he is, and to deal with it.

[Walk]

The text...

 

Not sure if your guy is the same... My bf does this to me all the time though. He'll have been yelling at me the night before, and the next day send me a text asking me how I am. I've done it to him too, though.

 

In my case... and again, I don't know if he's the same or not. But it's kind of a way to say, "I'm still angry and can't say I love you, but I worry about you, and how you are doing, and want you to be okay.

 

I think it might be his way of asking you to call him, or initiate contact with him. Maybe he feels like he can't call you, but he knows he has to do something after all the yelling because otherwise you probably won't call him. Again, if he's like my bf... ( ) He's probably to damn stubborn and prideful to out right call you and say he still wants to work this out. He's looking for a way to save face and to assure himself that he's not the bad guy in this argument. He can point to the text and tell himself that he tried to show you he cared, and you either blew up at him when you called later, or ignored it, or didn't call, or whatever. It's pretty manipulative, but I don't think it's on a concious level. Not thought out to be manipulative anyways.

 

Then again, I don't know your bf, so take all this with a grain of salt.

 

If you want to play his game, then text him the next day and say you know he wanted space. Ask how he's doing. And let him know you'll be available when he's ready to talk. He'll respond with something equally as non-communicative as "Fine", but then you've re-established that he's the one that asked for space, and that you expect him to call you, or contact you. Otherwise, he'll continue to believe he's being the great bf, and you're the one blowing him off.

 

(These are just my opinions on your situations, so adapt what you can use for you, and throw out what won't.)

[bellaD]

Ok, Friday (yesterday). I texted him and was like are you outta work yet, and he texted back w/ i'm getting a haircut, so i was like call me when your done then, and likes why, and im like omg just b/c holy ****, and hes like you call me. LOL. typical anthony. So i wait a while, and he texts me w/ "so you gonna call or not". What an immature baby he is. What is he doing? Whatever. So i called him.

 

Well this whole 2 weeks of NC has not done anything. He's like why can't YOU call. He just had a real "i dont care attitude" on the phone. Playing victim again. I was very careful in my choice of words b/c u know, hes a baby. But don't worry guys- i didn't cry this time. I'm angry. And this fight has carried on for too long. I'm at the point where i just wanna know the destiny of us. Whether its time to part or if we should break up.

 

So i babsically told him i want 2 meet face to face today (sat) when hes finished working. I deserve that!! Nomore phone calls or lack there of, no more texts! FAce to face.

 

I havn't met him yet. Who knows if he will change his mind.

 

In reality though, I should be the one to be putting my foot down and saying its over! I should not be treated like this! But i can build the strength to do so. I don't need a guy like this...but i love him.

 

gus, did i make the right choice?? Did i say the right things?

 

As for that book, where can i find it?? I want to get it. i went to 2 b&N and neither had it.

[Walk]

I can't say if your actions were right or wrong. If it's what you need to do, then it's good for you.

 

My personal opinion is life is too short to spend it with someone arguing all the time. And if he's acting this way now, then it's only going to get worse not better.

 

But I'm currently not taking my own advice... so take it with a grain of salt. However, it's very good advice.