be careful what you wish for....

[movinon05]

Ok, I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but... here it is. Dating in the new millenium!

 

I've been dating a guy for almost 5 months. Everything was great except we realized our relationship was not moving to the level of "love" although we had great affection for each other. (we're both 46 and looking for an LDR). After much discussion, we decided to continue our relationship to see where it would go, and have now found "new life" in our relationship and are falling in love with each other. He even told me recently that I am pretty much everything he wants in a woman. My dilemma....

 

He told me that while we were discussing this, he "discussed" our situation with "friends" on a website forum that he's a member of. My curiosity got the better of me and I searched him out on the web and actually found the website and all of his posts that go back for years. I'm rather new to this forum type of thing, and while I was a bit daunted, and surprised by some of the things he wrote, I was able to get over seeing my life situation being discussed on the WWW. And since then, I've actually come to love him even more, having read his past posts on other subjects and seeing his views on things and how his mind works. Things you wouldn't necessarily know this early in a relationship. However, I've also encountered things that most people would not know about their SO. As in his past relationships... He refers to an ex GF when relating to his friends and other posts who he said as recently as one month ago, he is still in love with and probably always will be. He said he had no intentions of dating her ever again but in one post months ago, he did say that if the conditions were right and she came back to him on very specific terms, she's probably the only one he would ever consider marrying, but he did not expect those conditions would ever be right. Since then, I know that he sees a possible future with us. And although that was early in our relationship, he still refers to her in posts, and has said they talk every once in awhile and although they can't be together, they are "there" for each other in times of trouble and sometimes even reaffirm their love for each other, but it is never sexual. They can't be together now, and he has told me a very little about her, and what was wrong with their relationship (way back in the early days of our dating), but of course, he hasn't told me this!

 

I can relate to a lot of what he says about his ex GF because I have an ex BF who I had considered my soulmate, but I know now I would never take him back and I am not in contact with him, and the breakup was devastating to me. But now I am very much in love with this man and I am feeling so vulnerable, worrying that he will take her back, knowing that they stay in touch. Its really getting to me and I can't say a word about it because I am the one who's been reading all this stuff he writes and he doesn't even know it!!

 

I know its wrong. You might want to bash me for "spying", but you also might want to put yourself in my situation if you knew your SO was out there on the WWW and writing about you and everything else.

 

So, long story short. How do I handle this? We are absolutely wonderful together but I am now paranoid that I'm putting my heart on the line to possibly have it ripped out again sometime in the future. I can see a future with this man and have been so excited at the prospect that I finally found someone after all this time. So most of this is speculation but I can't seem to get past it. And he is truly wonderful to me. Its not fair to him that I know all this, but knowing it is causing me great stress. I obviously can't talk to HIM about this, so here I am. And I never would have been this way if it wasn't for this damn WWW! lol!

 

Any thoughts?

[CaliGuy]

Don't you have an ex you would take back if conditions were right? Can you say that anything he has said could not be applied to you?

 

I don't think you were spying, but then again if you can't handle hearing things you might not like to hear, DON'T ASK/SPY!

 

It's akin to a guy asking his current lover "Am I best. Do I have the biggest tool? Do I satisfy you the best?" and finding out he ranks 2nd - or worse.

 

Can't you just be happy that he's with you and leave it at that? Don't over-analyze his thoughts. If you're making each other happy neither of you will have a need or reason to rekindle anything with an ex.

 

Good luck.

[FWIW]

Fascinating situation!

You could tell him all sorts of things, making it clear he doesn't have to reply, and then see if he discusses it on the forum! LOL

 

I reckon if you're "meant to be" he'll soon find you're better than this ex, and she wouldn't stand a chance. You can either replace her or you can't.. and there's only one way to find out (unless you talk it over).. same as any other relationship. We all come with 'baggage' and even a man with no baggage at all could meet someone while they're with you... I don't see how he's any different to anyone else you might date. It's up to you to judge whether it's likely to work or not.

 

Go for it, following your instincts! Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

 

Good luck

[movinon05]

CaliGuy,

 

You write

 

Can't you just be happy that he's with you and leave it at that? Don't over-analyze his thoughts. If you're making each other happy neither of you will have a need or reason to rekindle anything with an ex.

 

I have thought that as well, and that is how I have tried to approach our relationship after knowing all this. But the problem is - knowing that he is still in touch with her. He recently went through something terrible, and when I was finally able to call him to let him talk about it, his phone was busy all night. He told me the next day that he was talking to a "friend" and he felt a lot better after talking about it to the "friend". I'm almost positive it was her because he has already told me he doesn't have any close friends and when he does refer to a friend, he usually mentions their name. He has also posted, as I said before, that he and she share their problems with each other when something is wrong. I don't think its selfish to say that I want to be the one he talks to about these things and shares his grief with. Not his ex SO who he is still in love with!!

 

I am also not naive in that if he talks about other things he's done with women, etc., that I have to wonder if I'm being compared to them. We've both been in the dating scene for awhile. His "friends" on the site know about me and he has discussed certain things about me that allow me to believe he's quite happy with me in that department which is cool now that I've actually seen it in print - but not necessarily from his mouth!! Although I do feel like I am walking through a minefield not knowing if I'm going to see something that is going to hurt terribly.

 

And yes, of course, I have my "soulmate" ex who, at one time, I would have gone back to if he came back in my life, but not now. Although I would not be surprised if he contacts me as some point knowing how we were together, but I'm not worried about me going back with him. So, of all the things he's posted, this is the only thing that has me worried. I am very happy with him. Its just this ex that I'm afraid is going to come back in his life when she sorts out her own and try again. If they weren't in touch I wouldn't worry so much.

 

I guess I just have to have faith in what he tells me. Because after all, if it weren't for this www, I would never have known any of this. Its almost like having esp and being able to read someone's mind, if you know what I mean. And I admit, I certainly wouldn't want him knowing everything that goes on in my mind!

[Outcast]

It's only 5 months. You're in the biochemical drunkenness phase. Even if you're not giddy and butterfly-filled, you still don't know each other really well. Keep an eye on his forum and continue to get to know him. When you've hit 9 months, you'll know better if he is that wonderful or if there are issues which would make you two less than suited for an LTR. And please don't make any 'lifetime' decisions before a year has passed.

[movinon05]

I don't see how he's any different to anyone else you might date. It's up to you to judge whether it's likely to work or not.

 

He's not different than anyone else in that he has a past. And I've read and seen enough of his character as a person that I don't think he would do anything. I'm a true believer in "if its meant to be, its meant to be." I just finally found someone who was able to make me feel love again and I don't want anything to mess it up!! I have to get past this and concentrate just on us and what WE have.

 

I guess I shouldn't bash the web too much either, since it is how we met!! On a dating site!

[movinon05]

It's only 5 months. You're in the biochemical drunkenness phase. Even if you're not giddy and butterfly-filled, you still don't know each other really well. Keep an eye on his forum and continue to get to know him. When you've hit 9 months, you'll know better if he is that wonderful or if there are issues which would make you two less than suited for an LTR. And please don't make any 'lifetime' decisions before a year has passed.

 

We've never been in the biochemical drunkenness phase which is why we were not sure if we should continue seeing each other. It seems we missed that stage. But happily for both of us, we decided to pursue our relationship to see where it would go. And we're both happy we've grown into this stage of a more mature love. And no, neither of us is ready to make any lifetime decisions. We're both aware of what we want and what we need and we're taking it as it comes, enjoying our time together with a kind of hopefulness, for lack of a better way to put it. However, knowing what I know about this ex, I will probably wait until he comes to terms with whether he wants to pursue an LTR and lets me know first.