I dated this guy for about eight months and all he did was talk about his ex-wife and how much he hated her. At first I didn' say too much since he was recently divorced and it was a very bitter divorce. Strange since they were only married 17 months. But now he has been divorced a year and a half and I'm sick of hearing about her.
What does this mean when someone just can't stop telling you how much they hate their ex? Lately I've told him I didn't want to hear about her anymore, but he just starts talking about her again. It shouldn't take this long to get over someone should it? I was married 16 years and it didn't take me that long to get over him.
I asked him if he was sure he didn't still have feelings for his ex and he said absolutely not.
It does not mean a lot of good things. If he is constantly talking about his ex-wife, it means that he spends a lot of thought on the subject - and the subject of how much this divorce may have cost him. In monetary, and emotional terms.
It may also mean, that he is unable to see his own mistakes. Healthy marriages don't last 17 months (even moreso if the time needed for a divorce to become established is counted in that). So there must have been a lack of judgement on his part as well - or would he be totally clueless of the 'diabolical' nature of his ex-wife when he tied the knot? That would not reflect favourably on him either, now does it?
He may be shifting the blame towards his wife, for everything that goes wrong. And that is a big warning sign, if not a red flag. What happened to his own responsibility for his own matters?
Does he use his ex-wife as an excuse to commit himself? To you, or to make arrangements for the two of you?
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno
Yes, you're absolutely right d'Artez, he uses his bad marriage as an excuse to not commit to me.
He got married because his ex got pregnant and he thought marrying her was the right thing to do for the baby's sake. I just keep thinking he will get over this, but so far he has not and I am getting tired.
That's a severe deal breaker for me. I run as far as I can from men like that. I see it as having poor integrity, and I can't respect a man that constantly disses his X...possibly mother of his children. Does he ever own up to his demise in the relationship or just blame her for everything?
I knew a guy that went through a divorce recently. She cheated on him. It could have been a reeeeally ugly divorce, but he kept his integrity about him thru the entire ordeal. I sincerely admired his strength through that difficult time.
I've found, after going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, that there are stages you go through. The hurt, the anger. But then when you make a conscious decision, and it has to be a conscious decision, to accept what happened, stop blaming, and move on with your life, you can then finally get on with your life. He is letting this fester and yes, probably thinking about it all the time. If he doesn't decide to come to terms with it, he will never be able to move on and be happy. He has to decide to let it go, and learn from the experience. It takes longer for some people than others. But the fact that he keeps talking about it all the time is not being very considerate towards you, especially when you have let him know you've had enough. If he can't get passed this, I don't see how you are going to be able to continue this relationship. I know I wouldn't be able to. Sounds like he needs some counseling. It certainly helped me put things in perspective.
I can understand that it is very tiring. And there is nothing you can do about this issue - as it is solely his issue. The problem with this blaming behavior is that it absolves him of all guilt, and at the same time, makes you thread on eggs, in order to prevent giving him any cues that you resemble his ex-wife in any way. That is outright impossible.
This bad marriage of him creates serious issues in his interpersonal relationships. Probably not only with you. And as long as he perceives this blaming the ex-wife tactic to work, there is little incentive for him to change, and seriously reflect on himself. Don't put up with it!
The longer this continues the worse thoughts like that tend to become - and that does not add to the joy of any relationship with him.
As for what to do, I would suggest he goes to a form of counseling to deal with the effects of the divorce.
Ultimatums rarely work, but if you don't give one, the divorce will be his eternal excuse for him to behave in whatever he pleases to do (and holding you to different standards, mind you).
The alternative is to break up with him outright, and that is also not desirable (I take it you would continue the relationship if this problem does not exist. His problematic way of dealing with everything would remain in existence.
If you would give him an ultimatum, make it a supportive one. Something along the lines of: "I know you are bitter because of the divorce, but it is affecting our relationship in a negative way. And I would like it for us to see a professional, to deal with this. We can come through this."
Chances are he does not want to go. Insist that it should happen.
Chances are he will be saying it is your problem. Leave.
It means he may not be ready for any sort of serious relationship as he's still going through the anger and bitter stage. He may not have the love feelings for her, but he definately can't let go. Time will help that and him working hard on moving past it all.
Is he worth sticking around for? I mean, I think you need to tell him that his anger and talking about her is starting to get to you. Hopefully he'll figure out a way to move on past this and concentrate on just you.
Some people say I need to give time and space to get through his anger and about being newly divorced. That maybe is isn't quite ready for another relationship and commitment so soon. However, some women have told me that if you give a man too much space and time, another woman will grab him. So what do you do?
Luckily his ex lives in another state, but she refuses to let him see his son even though they do share custody.
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