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Is This A Moral Dilemma?


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Old 26th December 2005, 4:33 PM   #1
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Question Is This A Moral Dilemma?

I have recently become romantically involved with a gentleman significantly older than myself. We've been friends for a little over two years now, and recent developments (three months ago) have made it possible to persue a serious relationship. There are a few obstacles that have manifested in the past two months. 1. This person is the parent of a friend of mine (she's 23, her sibling is 20), 2. His ex-spouse of eight years and two daughters are disgusted and vehemently against it.

I am having trouble making any sense of their outrageous behavior. They have felt the need to drive past my home and his to see our vehicles parked there. I was sent what I like to call Nasty-Grams, basically disturbing text messages on my cell not only insulting my father but tying his life experinces (which they know little about) into accusing me of "mutiliating" a family! I have had one personal visit at my home by the eldest. and at least four guest appearances (two of which I was actually present for) by the ex-wife. I was kind, open, and willing to listen to their grievances in the first round of emotional solicitation.

But this last visit by the ex was what would intially seem to be a desperate plea to walk away from this relationship because I am destroying the family. I keep hearing repetitious phrases like "I (or they) cannot get the images of your intimacy with him out of my (our) heads" or "I know you do not have the closest relationship with "your" father. This all seems "incestual" to me. It's disgusting. Why do you want to take their father away?"

I can say that I have had enough. He and I were under the impression that our interactions with one another is our business, and cannot gather any reasonable answers as to why our participation is morally wrong. We are both looking for a panacea. I am not trying to generate anymore conflict than what already exists, even so to the point that we are maintaining physical distance from one another, just to experiment with one of the ex-wife's theories that "...if you walk away from this, they can repair the relationship with their father." Of course "walking away" means ZERO contact with this man, and honestly, I don't want that. This is not some seasonal lapse of sanity on our part.

We are both reserved and emotionally guarded people, who are just looking for some positive solution to pacify these people, so maybe we can enjoy the potential for genuine love and appreciation for one another without chronically looking over our shoulders for "spies".

Last edited by goatfish; 26th December 2005 at 4:37 PM.. Reason: structure
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Old 26th December 2005, 5:02 PM   #2
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moral wise ...it seems ok to me, then again I chase around girls 10-15 years younger than myself ....

the real question is it worth the drama to keep this alive ?

or better yet is the drama what makes it soo fun ?
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Dr. Drew ...... this is all perfectly normal, perfectly healthy
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Old 26th December 2005, 9:21 PM   #3
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First off, no, I don't think it's a moral issue, and I think the stalkerish behavior of the ex-wife and the daughters is really immature.
That said, I can sort of see where they are coming from. If one of my friends started dating my dad, I can't say I wouldn't be upset or even grossed out at first. It is a bit unorthodox to have such an age-gap in a relationship...not that there's anything fundamenally wrong with it, but my guess is that you have/will get a surprised response from many people who have no connection to the relationship. But, like you said, if it works for the two of you then it's really nobody else's business.
Also, I'm confused about the "bad relationship" you wrote about between the girls and their father. Is it a result of your relationship with him, or was their relationship already rocky.
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Old 27th December 2005, 5:07 PM   #4
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Both you and your man should tell the ex-wife and the kids to go f--k off and get lives of their own. Both you and your man have a right to enjoy happiness and work out a relationship. If they can't accept it, tough luck.

Now for your man, it will be difficult; these are his kids here. But at some point, parents sometimes have to tell their kids some uncomfortable facts of life: They will eventually die; they will have to work very hard for wages that they may not think meet their standards and all that. Telling them to mind their own business and accept the reality of their dad dating another woman is one of those uncomfortable facts. So it must be done.
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