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The real truth : Domestic Violence


Mary3

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As a former victim of Domestic Violence ( emotional abuse and then later physical abuse ) I can speak out confidantly on this subject matter.

 

To begin with : Something in the mechanics of self respect and self esteem are lost during the childhood years and the victim suffers low self worth . It can be attributed to how the parents raised the child and/or the childs outside influences.

 

Not knowing any of this ( low self esteem ) , the young adult begins her life.

 

She does not feel strong and empowered but rather invisible and not a good emotionally healthy person .

 

She unknowingly ( initially ) picks someone who is down and out, maybe a drinker, someone misunderstood in society and somehow she relates to this man and tries to soothe his shattered life by mingling it with her own.

 

She soon finds that after some great attention and possesiveness ( Jealousy ) , that this person she met , is acting strange and too possesive.

 

When she tires of being the glue that holds the house together, the abuser now shows his true colors.

 

She wants to leave the relationship .He threatens her because he sees she is going to leave. Unless you have had a fist pressed into your chest and someone screaming at you, it hard for some people to believe that you just can't " walk out " Alot of damage has been done to you by now ( psychologically ) , alot of mind control and isolation.

 

When the loving feeling is gone ( or what you confused with love ) , all thats left is stark FEAR.

 

That person regularly reminds you that certain things will happen to you if you do go. (Think Patty Hearst in a hostage situation.) Unless you have lived this , you cannot understand the fear that paralyzes you. ...Into doing nothing.

 

Apathy and Depression become your life. You make no choices because the simplest ones are overwhelming.

 

Thus begins the life of FEAR. It is NOT drama but true fear . The abuser keeps her in a hostage-like situation and regularly tells her she can never leave .

 

She , not understanding or knowing that he is very insecure , stays because of what will happen to her if she leaves. ( Think terroristic manuevers )

 

One day , something happens to her and an outside source steps in.

 

A good friend, a trusted teacher, a kind boss, whom ever it is steps in and tries to rescue her. She and that support system successfully hatch a plan that will get her out of there .

 

She gets out but now she fears he will find her. Sometimes she wants to go back ( because she is weak , in a fragile state ) but if she has a STRONG network of support , she can stay out.

 

After getting out , she needs counseling and lots of it. She needs to research and discover why she felt so low and so bad that she let someone abuse her like that. ( Mine was 90% emotional abuse ). I have since learned alot and do not get involved with this type of person .

 

Then the rest of her life she can **LIVE**. She lives free now.... Drama free. She is abuse free for 8 years now.

 

She is ME :)

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Change one word Mary. Change she to he.

And wing it.

Are you capable of doing that????

 

Most women who have never known what it truly is t be a battered wife are incapable of ever conceving of the idea of a battered husband.

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Now the following is going to stir up a real hornets nest but it has to be done in order to take a balanced approach to this business.

 

Try this collection, of definitions of battered wives, from the Darebin Community Centre in Northcote Australia

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

• Do you have to account for your time?

• Are you forced to have sex when you don't want to?

• Are you made to feel scared?

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

• Is your partner possessive or jealous?

• Does your partner control you and the money?

 

Typical examples of wife abuse? Think again.

 

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

 

- The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots. (If a wife threw up in his car, with a touch of morning sickness, and he yelled at her, it would certainly be listed as abuse.)

 

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

 

- The average husband is told what to do by his wife absolutely all the time. Including how to do things that she has no knowledge of.

Something goes wrong and the average wife is promptly screaming at her husband “DO SOMETHING” That’s domestic violence! That’s husband bashing!

(A great many wives still take some sort of sick pride in this paticular form of husband bashing frequently bragging to the girlfriends about how helpless her husband would be if she wasn’t there to tell him what to do. I know I’m gettting confrontational now but how many times have you heard these control freaks, actually boasting about the way that they abuse their husbands in this manner ?)

 

What to wear?

Wife- Does my bum look big in this.

Husband - Yea it does sorta. Doesn't look big in that one and that one makes you look sexier all round.

(Yes! Even though the wife has asked, and even though the final decision is hers, a lot of DV centres still list this sort of innocent conversation as wife bashing.

 

• Do you have to account for your time?

 

- The average husband does have to account for his time. Each and every time he works back late. He’s routinely accused of infidelity even though he’s got the overtime money to prove otherwise. The real truth is that the workplace often feels more like a home than his home. Particularly if home means “walking on eggshells” all the time.

 

• Are you made to feel scared?

 

- The average WIFE is bred and conditioned from the earliest years to view men as vile, and dangerous creatures. So even something as innocent as the husband swearing at the %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car that won't %^&* come un done, is all too often enough to genuinely convince the average wife that hes on the verge of hitting her.

When in fact he's completely forgotten her. And every thing els except this %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car.

 

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

 

- The average husband is hit, kicked, and pushed around. The shelters and the law list every angry shove, by a short tempered husband, as wife bashing. Is there a single female on these boards who as NEVER, given her man an impatient shove?

 

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

 

- The average husband is very much cut off from family and friends. Her family is welcome in the home, his are not. His friends are usually his workmates and they are not welcomed into the home.

 

 

 

You have certainly got one thing dead right though. All of these forms of abuse are still abuse. Blood doesn’t need to flow before abuse occurs.

 

But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband in most of society.

 

A man, even talking back, or expressing his own opinions, is rapidly being listed as a wife basher these days. A wife, continually hurling, both abuse, and kitchen knives, at a husband is rarely listed as a husband basher. Not even when the man is dragged into hospital with a gushing jugular vein. A woman has to actually kill her husband, or her bash victims have to be children before she is charged

 

The final reason husbands no not come forward is that, even if the battered husbands do actually seek help, there is almost nowhere for them to seek help. The only institution which helps male abuse victims is the internet group DIDs. (Dads in Distress) It’s a voluntary charity organization, with no full time workers at all and it doesn’t receive a red cent of government funding.

 

This leaves the following.

- No battered husbands talking about their plight.

- Husband bashing never recorded as husband bashing unless the husband is actually killed.

- No authorities believing that the battered husband is the victim.

-And no institutions to help the few battered husbands who do come forward.

 

That’s why there is no effective data on the numbers of battered husbands!

 

On the occasions that the Police are actually consulted on the issue their figures estimate a battered wives to battered husbands ratio at closer to one to one but these figures are rarely quoted.

 

 

The suicide figure for battered wives is also inaccurate. The University of Griffith in Brisbane is the only research organization in the country with a specific suicide studies department and it estimates a figure of approximately 1,200 dead males per year suiciding from post divorce trauma, as opposed to 900 dead females TOTAL (That’s equal to the national road toll and, literally, trillions, are spent trying to reduce that figure compared to almost zero on the suicide toll.) Nobody knows how many of these men are battered husbands but, the limited data currently available indicates that the figure is high.

This figure is quite deliberately covered up, by all other institutions, by burying it in the suicide rates of happily married men who are a large group with the lowest suicide rates of the lot. This cover up is achieved because most of these suicides occur in the year between separation and formal divorce so these men are legally still married even if divorced in all other aspects.

Suicides among women suffering divorce, or wife bash trauma doesn’t go much past the dozens but the findings of Griffith University, in regard t battered husbands, proved so disturbing that the government has cut the funding to the suicide department rather than face up to these disturbing results.

 

In fact, at the end of the day, the only thing that is really known about husband bashing is that it’s the only form of domestic violence which is, still socially acceptable. So socially acceptable that much of the media still advises women to go husband bashing.

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Mary3 - Obviously insightful. Also well written, and touches on the points that effect many abused 'people'. :bunny:

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In fact, at the end of the day, the only thing that is really known about husband bashing is that it’s the only form of domestic violence which is, still socially acceptable. So socially acceptable that much of the media still advises women to go husband bashing.

Superb post SPARTICUSS....there are many more abused and controlled men than there are women.

 

And if anyone, male or female, stays in an abusive relationship IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT... FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS...

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Superb post SPARTICUSS....there are many more abused and controlled men than there are women.

 

And if anyone, male or female, stays in an abusive relationship IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT... FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS...

 

Alpha, have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

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Alpha, have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

No...but I've done a bit of abusing myself (verbal/mental/emotional only) and most of the women stuck around for more and became even more interested in me. That is their own fault.

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itwontdawnsooner

first off, good for you Mary3. im glad youre in a better, clearer, safer and healthier place. you offer a perspective on it that i dont think many of us (except those who lived it) would even glimpse at.

 

as for SPARTICUSS, - i see some of your points. and you do hear of women bragging about how "whipped" their men are. and i know, from friends and have experienced, many pride themselves on how much they can "control" a man, by being angry at the right moments, saying subtle things (never directly), and ive gotten some girls (theyre young, 20's) to admit that they pride themselves on being controlling - which in the end can be emotionally abusive for the man

 

why emotional manipulation became the weapon of choice for so many young girls (and im sure some older ones still do it with like you said, a sick pride) is something i myself dont know but im sure others do or have opinions on it

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No...but I've done a bit of abusing myself (verbal/mental/emotional only) and most of the women stuck around for more and became even more interested in me. That is their own fault.

 

What absolute b*ll**** Alpha.

 

Until you've been on the other end of an abusive relationship you CAN NOT begin to understand what it does to the abused.

 

Your self esteem and self worth drop so low, that you are in effect too scared to leave. You are controlled, isolated, damaged. One starts to believe that they deserve it, that they are worthless and why would anyone else want them?

 

They resign themselves to the fear and stay because they don't have the strength within them to leave. It takes a huge amount of strength to leave an abusive situation. And an abused person doesn't usually have that strength.

 

Truely Alpha, you sink to new lower levels. To boast of emtional abuse. Delightful. :sick:

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What absolute b*ll**** Alpha.

 

Until you've been on the other end of an abusive relationship you CAN NOT begin to understand what it does to the abused.

My philosophy, LITTLEKITTY, is "abuse or be abused". That is the way it is for me. I don't believe in physical abuse against women but everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.

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No...but I've done a bit of abusing myself (verbal/mental/emotional only) and most of the women stuck around for more and became even more interested in me. That is their own fault.

 

it is their problem because you cant admit it is yours.

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Superb post SPARTICUSS....there are many more abused and controlled men than there are women.

 

Again with the lies and bullshxt.

 

 

And if anyone, male or female, stays in an abusive relationship IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT... FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS...

 

Showing that nothing Mary said went into that thick skull.

 

My philosophy, LITTLEKITTY, is "abuse or be abused". That is the way it is for me. I don't believe in physical abuse against women but everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.

 

Ohhh ha ha, Alpha. You're so so funny. That heart of gold touches me deeply. Your poor hurt little soul is just aching for love.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

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Truely Alpha, you sink to new lower levels. To boast of emtional abuse. Delightful. :sick:

 

:lmao: ...

 

And yet there will still be people here who think that he's a cool, smooth, badass. :)

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No...but I've done a bit of abusing myself (verbal/mental/emotional only) and most of the women stuck around for more and became even more interested in me. That is their own fault.

Last time someone called you abusive you got upset. Make up your mind, woman. :lmao:

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My philosophy, LITTLEKITTY, is "abuse or be abused". That is the way it is for me. I don't believe in physical abuse against women but everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.

 

Agghh you spout utter crap! :sick:

 

What about a mutually respectful relationship where no-one is being abused? Wouldn't that be the ideal? :rolleyes:

 

I will never allow anyone to abuse me again, but I've been there and it isn't fun. But I'm glad to see you don't refute the fact that you can't understand what it is like to be abused.

 

IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT... FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS...

 

I think you'll find when you ask most people, that they will agree that as the abuser, and you admit to being one, that the fault lies with you and not the victim.

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Your self esteem and self worth drop so low, that you are in effect too scared to leave. You are controlled, isolated, damaged. One starts to believe that they deserve it, that they are worthless and why would anyone else want them?

 

They resign themselves to the fear and stay because they don't have the strength within them to leave. It takes a huge amount of strength to leave an abusive situation. And an abused person doesn't usually have that strength.

 

How true, how true. I was one of them.. A few times I almost fell back into this role with different men after my XH.

 

Thank God I found my stubborn, strong-headed, logical, self respected strength that I didn't realize I had..:bunny:

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The final reason husbands no not come forward is that, even if the battered husbands do actually seek help, there is almost nowhere for them to seek help.

 

As a former Battered Husband I believe this to be BS.. When I was punched in the face by a bipolar wife or kicked or slapped or the many other things she did to me... the reason I never came forward is that I never realized it was abuse.. as I had never encountered it before and as the man I felt embarrassed if I started to feel I was abused..

I would just blow it off and move on to the next day...

 

Only therapy in an Anger Managment course did I realize that my then wife was an abuser and she fit almost the entire domestic abuse profile.

When I looked at this pie chart wheel of traits I was floored that I was looking at my relationship.

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Buddy, you're also giving me the headaches...

 

Oh really? Because what I said about him is true?

 

Go back and read other threads in which posters constantly lavish praise on him and kiss his ass in spite of the bulls*** he posts. A bunch of friggin' brownnosers indeed!

 

See, I come out and speak the truth about him and I get bashed. Why is that? Are some people that blind to it?

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Oh really? Because what I said about him is true?

 

Go back and read other threads in which posters constantly lavish praise on him and kiss his ass in spite of the bulls*** he posts. A bunch of friggin' brownnosers indeed!

 

See, I come out and speak the truth about him and I get bashed. Why is that? Are some people that blind to it?

 

This isn't a thread about Alpha.. SF your view of Alpha doesn't need to be posted

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