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I lied, should I tell her?


filarena

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We've only been dating for 3 months, but we're both sure we've found the one. I lied to her in the beginning and have kept the lie going, and the guilt is getting to me. I told her I had slept with 3 girls prior to her when in fact I was a virgin. I've asked several friends for advice, including a player, a nice guy, and a good female friend. None could give me an answer beyond depends on if you can live with the guilt.

 

Here's some more detailed info, if you feel it's relevant. I'm going to err on the side of too much info in case any matters, since some of my friends changed their advice after hearing some of this. But feel free to skim/skip.

 

Why I lied: She told me before we started dating that her ex was still attached. She believed the reason was because he was a virgin. She jokingly said she probably wouldn't date another virgin. After we had sex the first time, she told me how many guys she'd slept with, and it was more than a few. She really liked me, was afraid this number would scare me off, and was visibly scared. She asked me how many I'd slept with. I felt like saying none would make her feel even worse about her own past. I instead said 3, which still made her feel bad.

 

Why I dug myself deeper: Because she has more experience than me, and I didn't react as well as I should have when she revealed some of her more experimental experiences, she has until very recently felt uncomfortable admitting to me what she likes sexually for fear I will judge her. There have been times where she asked me if we could try something which as far as I could tell was completely normal but was still afraid I'd be weirded out. Due to this, I have been worried that there are things she wishes we were doing but she won't admit it. I've tried getting her to tell me if there are and her answers were always wishywashy. I asked her to tell me her best and worst experiences prior to me, hoping it would be a more casual way of discussing what she's tried. She said she would only feel comfortable with that if I went first. So of course I made up stories to go with my 3 fictitious previous partners. I wish I hadn't dug myself deeper in the process, but I do have to say I'm very happy she did finally tell me about her past experiences.

 

Why I'm afraid to come clean: She told me she loved me as soon as we started dating. Literally. I told her I felt the same, and I really did. But until very recently, she has never really believed I didn't just say it because she did. We have had a few fights which basically arose because she didn't believe I felt the same way she did or because she felt I didn't trust her. I'm afraid that 1) knowing I was a virgin may make her think "well then how do you know you love me?" and 2) even if she doesn't care that I was a virgin, she may be so upset that I lied that she will have trouble trusting me again. I don't at all fear she'd break up with me over it, but I'm pretty sure there's a good chance it will erode her trust in me for some time.

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ReluctantRomeo

In your shoes, I'd confess. I can't keep secrets from the woman I love. And my own experience suggests that girls are pretty understanding if you confess of your own volition.

 

Don't do an overdramatic lead-in. Say you've done something silly, she's probably gonna think it's sweet, but you exaggerated your sexual experience. Explain that at the time your over-riding concern was for her not to feel uncomfortable and you thought it was for the best. But you feel bad keeping things from her, and now realise it was silly.

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Jeez, just tell her and tell her why. I thought you'd lied about money or cheated or something. Youre a man, she''ll understand why you said what you did. I don't even think youve done anything wrong.

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Don't.

 

No matter what she says, she has in part evaluated your manliness based on the number of people you've been with.

 

Many (if not most) women do this at some point in their lives. It's part of why the double standard exists.

 

Second, given that this is your first and not last relationship, I would not get confessional about this unless you want your secrets spread. Young people are notorious for letting these things slip.

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I'm not worried about her evaluation of my manliness, nor other people knowing I was a virgin before her. She's had a sizeable number of partners, as mentioned, none of whom got her off. With me, that hasn't been anywhere near a problem. I don't care about looking manly with my conquests. I'm just worried about the strength of this relationship.

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ReluctantRomeo
I'm just worried about the strength of this relationship.

 

Honesty is definitely the best policy.

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Tell her the truth. If she loves you like she says then she will understand that you didn't want to judge her, make her feel bad or whatever.

 

If she told you she loved you before you two started dating then thats great. Just remember this, relationships don't stay the same, they change. Relationships bring other things along the way. You have to work at it, you can't just start dating someone and say you love them. You have to learn about the other person and they learn about you. You have to show your true personality to them and not anything to fit their style. Good luck.

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I'd say, tell her now. What Romeo said is totally true - it's much better if you do it of your own volition. This will come out, sooner or later, and it's much better if you tell her yourself - just make sure you don't hold back about why you did it. Personally, I think what you did is understandable, though maybe it wasn't the smartest move ever. ;) And if I were her, I'd be a lot more lenient if I didn't have to suspect and wonder for a while and then eventually ferret out the truth on my own. That sort of thing can really make a mountain out of a molehill.

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The only reason why you want to be honest is because you want to feel better. You shouldn't feel better; you lied and your conscience should suffer. Telling her the truth merely allows you an out. So shut up and suffer. Then buy some porn tapes and get some quick pointers or better yet, ask her how she likes being eaten out, f----d and the like. You'll actually look like a considerate guy (which you are being) and at the same time, seem nonjudgemental.

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How does he tell her though? She's probably gonna get upset, at least to some degree. It's gonna change the dynamics of the relationship. Honestly, I'd be pretty shocked if my bf suddenly blurted out that he was a virgin until I corrupted him. How would someone go about telling someone this, while softening the blow as much as possible.

 

I was thinking if he told her, but since she sounds insecure about her "greater" experience, possible purchased a book on sex and pointed out areas he'd like to try with her?

 

Or give her gifts, and then tell her?

 

Or just throw it in the conversation like.. "How was your day hunney?"... "Oh, mine was good, btw I was a virgin when I met you. And I got a promotion at work, and spilled coffee on my shirt."

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Telling the truth is way overrated. If you didn't lie in the first place, you wouldn't have to worry about 'fessing up. Plain and simple. Sometimes it's best to simply bite the bullet, live with the dishonesty, suffer with the knowledge, then make the relationship with this woman as good as possible.

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filarena:

 

I just wanna say that I think it's great you want to tell your gf about this, and that you went so far to attempt to make her comfortable. And also, you sound like you have a decent dose of confidence without the arrogance. It's refreshing to know that not all guys have the need for the macho egotistical BS that seems so prevalent sometimes.

 

I just wanted to say this. Very commendable of you. Keep that attitude through life if you can.

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HI was thinking if he told her, but since she sounds insecure about her "greater" experience, possible purchased a book on sex and pointed out areas he'd like to try with her?

 

No, no, that's not a problem either. You are of course correct we're dealing with some insecurity, and that isn't helping matters, but I feel no need for instruction manuals. Her own opinions on the matter notwithstanding, she's plenty good. I mean, I can't compare much, obviously, but I see absolutely no problems with what she's doing.

 

This is about me lying about my sexual past, not about our sexual present. There's nothing lacking there as far as I can tell.

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The only reason why you want to be honest is because you want to feel better. You shouldn't feel better; you lied and your conscience should suffer. Telling her the truth merely allows you an out.

 

This ocurred to me as well. If I do tell her, I want to be sure I'm doing it because I really believe it's right, not to relieve guilt.

 

What do other's think of Sevenmack's point?

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filarena:

 

I just wanna say that I think it's great you want to tell your gf about this, and that you went so far to attempt to make her comfortable. And also, you sound like you have a decent dose of confidence without the arrogance. It's refreshing to know that not all guys have the need for the macho egotistical BS that seems so prevalent sometimes.

 

I just wanted to say this. Very commendable of you. Keep that attitude through life if you can.

 

Well thank you, Walk. I appreciate it.:)

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No, no, that's not a problem either. You are of course correct we're dealing with some insecurity, and that isn't helping matters, but I feel no need for instruction manuals.

 

I wasn't meaning it to sound as if you needed "instructions" on how to perform. But I've found sometimes a book can be a good spring board for discussions, and getting to know the likes and dislikes of both you and your partner. I was thinking it could be used to take the focus off your lack of partners and bring it back to how the two of you connect. More of a discussion piece instead of a "how to" guide.

 

(p.s. I didn't say it was a good idea. :) Just an idea.)

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This is my take on whether you should tell her or not. If you feel that by not telling her it will cause problems in the future because of your feeling guilty or dishonest, then you should tell her. If you don't believe it will, then file the info away and enjoy what you have.

 

I've lied to men about my number of partners before. I've over exaggerated, and under. So I've been both sides of the coin. The past is the past. I have things I wish I hadn't told my partner about my past. At the time I felt it was important that they knew, but in the long run it really didn't matter. It didn't endanger them in anyway, it wasn't something that was going to be reoccurring, and it didn't involve them. In hindsight, there was no reason to say anything about it, and it probably hurt the relationship more then it helped.

 

You've done nothing that has put her at risk. You may not have been completely honest with her, but it was done out of compassion, not deceit. Telling her the truth won't make her feel better, or ease any insecurities she has. It unburdens you, but unless you can show how telling the truth will bring the two of you closer, then I think you should just file this away. You're not lying to hurt her, or hide a wrong...

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Well it turned out that we got in something of a fight over something else. After we stopped talking about it (neither really feeling much better), when she called back later, I felt so bad about that incident as well as the lie, that I came clean. Long story short, it was a very long and not so pleasant conversation, but she understood and even wound up apologizing for making it hard for me to tell her. I'm not sure just how much it brought us together, and we were stuck on the how do you know you really love me question for some time, but I feel better. And hopefully it means something to her that I told her of my own volition.

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ReluctantRomeo
she understood and even wound up apologizing for making it hard for me to tell her.

 

Well done. I do think this kind of honesty will reap benefits in the longer term.

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