LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

I lied, should I tell her?


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th November 2005, 6:09 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 116
I lied, should I tell her?

We've only been dating for 3 months, but we're both sure we've found the one. I lied to her in the beginning and have kept the lie going, and the guilt is getting to me. I told her I had slept with 3 girls prior to her when in fact I was a virgin. I've asked several friends for advice, including a player, a nice guy, and a good female friend. None could give me an answer beyond depends on if you can live with the guilt.

Here's some more detailed info, if you feel it's relevant. I'm going to err on the side of too much info in case any matters, since some of my friends changed their advice after hearing some of this. But feel free to skim/skip.

Why I lied: She told me before we started dating that her ex was still attached. She believed the reason was because he was a virgin. She jokingly said she probably wouldn't date another virgin. After we had sex the first time, she told me how many guys she'd slept with, and it was more than a few. She really liked me, was afraid this number would scare me off, and was visibly scared. She asked me how many I'd slept with. I felt like saying none would make her feel even worse about her own past. I instead said 3, which still made her feel bad.

Why I dug myself deeper: Because she has more experience than me, and I didn't react as well as I should have when she revealed some of her more experimental experiences, she has until very recently felt uncomfortable admitting to me what she likes sexually for fear I will judge her. There have been times where she asked me if we could try something which as far as I could tell was completely normal but was still afraid I'd be weirded out. Due to this, I have been worried that there are things she wishes we were doing but she won't admit it. I've tried getting her to tell me if there are and her answers were always wishywashy. I asked her to tell me her best and worst experiences prior to me, hoping it would be a more casual way of discussing what she's tried. She said she would only feel comfortable with that if I went first. So of course I made up stories to go with my 3 fictitious previous partners. I wish I hadn't dug myself deeper in the process, but I do have to say I'm very happy she did finally tell me about her past experiences.

Why I'm afraid to come clean: She told me she loved me as soon as we started dating. Literally. I told her I felt the same, and I really did. But until very recently, she has never really believed I didn't just say it because she did. We have had a few fights which basically arose because she didn't believe I felt the same way she did or because she felt I didn't trust her. I'm afraid that 1) knowing I was a virgin may make her think "well then how do you know you love me?" and 2) even if she doesn't care that I was a virgin, she may be so upset that I lied that she will have trouble trusting me again. I don't at all fear she'd break up with me over it, but I'm pretty sure there's a good chance it will erode her trust in me for some time.
filarena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 6:35 AM   #2
Established Member
 
ReluctantRomeo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lost in translation
Posts: 3,216
In your shoes, I'd confess. I can't keep secrets from the woman I love. And my own experience suggests that girls are pretty understanding if you confess of your own volition.

Don't do an overdramatic lead-in. Say you've done something silly, she's probably gonna think it's sweet, but you exaggerated your sexual experience. Explain that at the time your over-riding concern was for her not to feel uncomfortable and you thought it was for the best. But you feel bad keeping things from her, and now realise it was silly.
__________________
That is not me in the photo. Nor is it my ass
ReluctantRomeo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 9:24 AM   #3
Member
 
Boudicca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 15
Jeez, just tell her and tell her why. I thought you'd lied about money or cheated or something. Youre a man, she''ll understand why you said what you did. I don't even think youve done anything wrong.
__________________
you moan about your future complain about your past I'd like to find your inner child and kick it in the ass
Boudicca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 9:43 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,021
Don't.

No matter what she says, she has in part evaluated your manliness based on the number of people you've been with.

Many (if not most) women do this at some point in their lives. It's part of why the double standard exists.

Second, given that this is your first and not last relationship, I would not get confessional about this unless you want your secrets spread. Young people are notorious for letting these things slip.
Cecelius is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 9:57 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 116
I'm not worried about her evaluation of my manliness, nor other people knowing I was a virgin before her. She's had a sizeable number of partners, as mentioned, none of whom got her off. With me, that hasn't been anywhere near a problem. I don't care about looking manly with my conquests. I'm just worried about the strength of this relationship.
filarena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 10:27 AM   #6
Established Member
 
ReluctantRomeo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lost in translation
Posts: 3,216
Quote:
Originally Posted by filarena
I'm just worried about the strength of this relationship.
Honesty is definitely the best policy.
ReluctantRomeo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 10:32 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 116
Yeah, I tend to think so too. I'm certainly leaning towards telling her. Though I'm not looking forward to it.
filarena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 11:05 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NC
Posts: 23
Tell her the truth. If she loves you like she says then she will understand that you didn't want to judge her, make her feel bad or whatever.

If she told you she loved you before you two started dating then thats great. Just remember this, relationships don't stay the same, they change. Relationships bring other things along the way. You have to work at it, you can't just start dating someone and say you love them. You have to learn about the other person and they learn about you. You have to show your true personality to them and not anything to fit their style. Good luck.
WhiteDragon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 5:11 PM   #9
Established Member
 
seachange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: full fathoms five
Posts: 354
I'd say, tell her now. What Romeo said is totally true - it's much better if you do it of your own volition. This will come out, sooner or later, and it's much better if you tell her yourself - just make sure you don't hold back about why you did it. Personally, I think what you did is understandable, though maybe it wasn't the smartest move ever. And if I were her, I'd be a lot more lenient if I didn't have to suspect and wonder for a while and then eventually ferret out the truth on my own. That sort of thing can really make a mountain out of a molehill.
__________________
We are the night ocean filled with glints of light.
We are the space between the fish and the moon, while we sit here together.
seachange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 7:25 PM   #10
Established Member
 
mini696's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Sunshine Coast, Australia
Posts: 282
Lying about virginity is something that most people will understand. So I suggest you tell her.
mini696 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 7:44 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Midwest
Posts: 259
The only reason why you want to be honest is because you want to feel better. You shouldn't feel better; you lied and your conscience should suffer. Telling her the truth merely allows you an out. So shut up and suffer. Then buy some porn tapes and get some quick pointers or better yet, ask her how she likes being eaten out, f----d and the like. You'll actually look like a considerate guy (which you are being) and at the same time, seem nonjudgemental.
Sevenmack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 7:54 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Walk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: sub-surface
Posts: 4,262
How does he tell her though? She's probably gonna get upset, at least to some degree. It's gonna change the dynamics of the relationship. Honestly, I'd be pretty shocked if my bf suddenly blurted out that he was a virgin until I corrupted him. How would someone go about telling someone this, while softening the blow as much as possible.

I was thinking if he told her, but since she sounds insecure about her "greater" experience, possible purchased a book on sex and pointed out areas he'd like to try with her?

Or give her gifts, and then tell her?

Or just throw it in the conversation like.. "How was your day hunney?"... "Oh, mine was good, btw I was a virgin when I met you. And I got a promotion at work, and spilled coffee on my shirt."
__________________
You had me at ‘Stop following me’.
Walk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 7:56 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Midwest
Posts: 259
Telling the truth is way overrated. If you didn't lie in the first place, you wouldn't have to worry about 'fessing up. Plain and simple. Sometimes it's best to simply bite the bullet, live with the dishonesty, suffer with the knowledge, then make the relationship with this woman as good as possible.
Sevenmack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 8:01 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Walk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: sub-surface
Posts: 4,262
filarena:

I just wanna say that I think it's great you want to tell your gf about this, and that you went so far to attempt to make her comfortable. And also, you sound like you have a decent dose of confidence without the arrogance. It's refreshing to know that not all guys have the need for the macho egotistical BS that seems so prevalent sometimes.

I just wanted to say this. Very commendable of you. Keep that attitude through life if you can.
Walk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2005, 8:28 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walk
HI was thinking if he told her, but since she sounds insecure about her "greater" experience, possible purchased a book on sex and pointed out areas he'd like to try with her?
No, no, that's not a problem either. You are of course correct we're dealing with some insecurity, and that isn't helping matters, but I feel no need for instruction manuals. Her own opinions on the matter notwithstanding, she's plenty good. I mean, I can't compare much, obviously, but I see absolutely no problems with what she's doing.

This is about me lying about my sexual past, not about our sexual present. There's nothing lacking there as far as I can tell.
filarena is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
he lied... sarrita Infidelity 0 27th February 2006 3:21 AM
I think my ex lied to me eddpad Breaks and Breaking Up 6 20th September 2005 1:42 PM
He lied again Marsha Infidelity 2 17th April 2004 6:17 PM
He lied to me Shocked Friends and Lovers 4 16th July 2003 11:38 AM
I've Lied Felicity Second Chances 1 25th March 2002 4:07 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:19 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.