Sinead1981 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Ok, I need to apologize right off because I sense that this is going to be a rather lengthy one, but if you could take the time to read it I'd be very appreciative! Where to begin? Well, I'm an American who has lived in Ireland since September of 2004. I'm 23 (24 next month) and recently completed my Master's degree at an Irish university. At present I'm trying to find a job so that I can remain over here, but it's been a bit stressful because as a non-EU (European Union) citizen I require a work permit, which I've heard is something that's rather difficult to get. I've been with my Irish boyfriend for 13 months now and about 90% of the time I feel like our relationship is "perfect," or as close to perfect as one can get. I should also mention that he's a small bit older than me (35). I've always been attracted to older men and to be honest I don't often think about the age difference. There's something about the way we are together that's always "clicked," if you know what I mean. From the first day we met I felt like he "got" me, and he told me then that he felt like he could tell me anything. When we're walking down the street together he always has his arm around me and he has told me that I "mean a lot" to him and that I'm "the only person he cares about." The fact that I'm American and he's Irish brings in some complications with all the work permit business and whatnot. When we had been together for about a month he told me that he was afraid to get too close to me because he thought I would leave him. I told him not to worry about it because I thought that if we really mean a lot to each other, we could work it all out. I have told him I love him a number of times, and while he has never said it back, I've always felt like he does. He always looks at me "that way" that makes me feel like the most special woman in the world. I never really needed him to say he loves me because I feel it when we're together, you know? I thought he was getting over his insecurity about my leaving, but about a month ago on a night out he got a little drunk and started crying and told me that I was the best friend he's ever had and that in the back of his mind he's always thinking that I'm going to have to go home and he won't get to see me anymore. I never really know how to take drunken confessions but I know that I'm at my most truthful when I'm drunk. Anyway, last night we got to talking. I knew that he had been hurt by a previous girlfriend but I didn't know all the particulars. He told me that it happened 7 or 8 years ago. He really loved this girl and she left him. He had had other girlfriends between her and me, but he said he never loved any of them. He apparently broke it off with his last girlfriend before me after 9 months because it just didn't "feel right" even though she was a "nice girl." He went on to tell me that 90% of his friends are married with kids. I know he is concerned about getting older. He used to play basketball but at 35 he's developed a bit of a belly (we're talking almost nonexistent!) that he's really self-conscious about. When I question him about how he feels about me outright, he always says "you just have to give me time" and "I'm slow at these things" and last night when he said that again I asked him if he thought it was because of the girl who had hurt him before. He hadn't thought of that before but admitted that it was a possibility. I feel like this man could very well be "the one," but although he is very loving and I know I'm important to him, I feel like there's this wall there that he's unknowingly built up that prevents him from loving me as much as I know he can. I want to help him with this but I don't know how. They say that the only person you can change is yourself, and I do believe that, but I am a person who's so much more in touch with her feelings than he is. When I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm replaceable to him, he was incredulous. He said, "More like IRReplaceable! Why do you think I come over every weekend?" I just don't know what to do. I'm just afraid I'm going to lose him before he realizes how great we could truly be together. We're the best of friends and we're forever laughing together, and I KNOW he fancies me to death. But I need help! Link to post Share on other sites
iceblue78 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 To me it sounds like the solution is all up to you. Do you love him enough to stay there with him permanently? If so, go for it. He obviously loves you very much even though he can't bring himself to say it. I mean, he's got abandonment issues, because he keeps telling you that he's afraid you are going to leave him.... all he needs to know is that you are never going to do that. Sit him down and talk about it or you will never get anything resolved. Go over your options. Get the work visa? Become a citizen? Return to America without him? Bring him home? Get married? You have many choices, but they all require the same thing... communication and effort from both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sinead1981 Posted November 19, 2005 Author Share Posted November 19, 2005 Thank you, iceblue78, for reading my overly-long post and for your response to it! Yes, I absolutely love him enough to stay here permanently and I told him that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I did get some insight into his ideas about marriage last night as well. He talked about how most of his friends are married and then how many of them have gotten divorced. Again, the issue of "leaving." Then I was telling him about my own parents, who have been married for 25 years now and how I know they've had their tough times but in the end they're still very happy. He also mentioned that he has friends who have been together happily with their significant others for years without marriage. I wanted to talk about all of this in more detail, but he was really tired (in fairness, it was LATE at night!) so we ended up going to sleep. I guess my main conflict at the moment is that I feel like everything is so up in the air right now. Once I have a job lined up for sure I think I will feel like things are more secure. And I do have problems being open with my feelings toward him at times, but I'm really trying to work on that. Communication is SO important! Link to post Share on other sites
iceblue78 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 You're so right about communication. Especially in a relationship as serious as yours. You need to let him know that he should stop worrying so much about the relationships of others ending in divorce or breakups, and whether or not you're going to leave him. He needs to live in the here and now. With YOU. If you two never try because he was scared, that's a waste. You have something special and you should do everything in your power to keep it from slipping away because of something silly like insecurity. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sinead1981 Posted November 19, 2005 Author Share Posted November 19, 2005 Exactly! And you know, I can understand partly where he is coming from because I have my own insecurity issues as well. It's so funny because I was telling him about these good friends of mine that I lost 13 years ago when they moved away and how I still think about them and the great times we had. And do you know what he said to me when I said this? He said "You shouldn't be dwelling on the past. Focus on the future!" Ironic, I think! But see, the thing is that with my experience, my friends were so important to me and we were so in tune with each other, and that's something that does not happen to me often. The experience taught me that when I find something good, to grab ahold of it with both hands and do all I can to keep it. That's the way I feel about him. But he seems to be unknowingly focusing on the negative aspect of losing somebody he loved and continuing to let that affect him. I don't know, maybe I watch too much Dr. Phil, but I refuse to give up on him. I just wish I knew the way to break through that wall! Link to post Share on other sites
iceblue78 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 I think you two will be just fine with a talk or two. Only this time, try not to do it in the middle of the night. Also, make sure you show him just how much you love him whenever you can. He'll come around. BTW... there's no such thing as too much Dr. Phil. LoL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sinead1981 Posted November 19, 2005 Author Share Posted November 19, 2005 I think you two will be just fine with a talk or two. Only this time, try not to do it in the middle of the night. Also, make sure you show him just how much you love him whenever you can. He'll come around. BTW... there's no such thing as too much Dr. Phil. LoL. Ha Ha! Amen to that! Thanks for all the kind words. Sometimes I just kind of feel like "ok, dude, it's been a year now. Wake up! We've got a great thing here!" but I have to believe all will be ok in the end! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 It's going to take time. You have to remember that the woman who left him probably also promised she'd be with him forever so deep in his memory is the idea that you can't trust anyone because people break promises. The only way you can show someone you're in it for the long haul is to be in it for the long haul Link to post Share on other sites
iceblue78 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Not a problem at all. Good call, Outcast. Stick with it. He'll figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
rachellllllann Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 ya know.. im kind of going through a similar situation. My boyfriend is hurt still because of the past. It's like he can't get over it and just keeps hanging onto the past. But other than that, everything is good in our relationship. We both see our futures together etc and it seems to me that you guys are completely in love. I think that he's having trouble letting go of the past. I understand it hurts and we all have been hurt in the past before but there's no use holding onto something that can not be changed. I'm sure you won't lose him. It sounds like he really loves you but just confused or afraid that the past will happen again. Keep loving him and showing him what you've been doing and he'll understand and realized that he's got one great girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sinead1981 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 It's going to take time. You have to remember that the woman who left him probably also promised she'd be with him forever so deep in his memory is the idea that you can't trust anyone because people break promises. The only way you can show someone you're in it for the long haul is to be in it for the long haul Thanks. That makes a lot of sense! And I'm sure it doesn't help that everything is still up in the air with my situation at the moment. Actually, yesterday I was doing a job search online and I found one in our area that I think I'd be really good at so I sent him a text message telling him about it and he phoned me back right away and I could tell he was really excited. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtsoul Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Well.. I'm only 16, but I know what your Boyfriend is going to through... Similiar things have happened to me. So here's my two cents: - As you have said he feels very insecure. This is a major problem. It will be ripping him up inside. It will be tormenting him from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. Try to find as many ways to tell him that you love him and that you'll never leave him. These don't have to be big thing. As you've probably heard, "it's the little things that matter". These things can be a little as giving him a kiss whenever you see him. I'm sure you can come up with a million more. - Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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