susanl Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Ok long story short I have been dating this guy for two years--love him to no end but he takes advantage of me. I have finally figured this out--he takes me for granted--expects me to be with him etc--so i have finally understood this so my question is what do I do? Yes I am divorced and to me this is another failure--and no i don't want to be alone but someone tell me how you go about breaking it off with someone you have been with for over two years that just EXPECTS things--help and quickly !!! My vision right now is this ending verying unhapplily --or more so then i would be hurt right now in years down the road--how do you know when to give in and when it is worth it??????? Link to post Share on other sites
malachai Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 can you ask him what he is getting out of the relationship? is he in love with you and just doesn't know how to show/say it, or is he just in love with having someone around? especially after two years, seems like you should know where you guys stand. a good conversation with him seems in order, so you can know if he is serious or not about the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I'm not too sure what you mean by taking advantage of you. What is he doing/not doing that is taking you for granted? I think staying or leaving is dependent on the severity of what's happening. People don't change a whole lot, and if they do it's going to take lots of work on both of your sides. Probably more then it sounds like you're willing to give right now if your frustrated enough to want to leave. Can you give a little more background on this, and I'd feel a lot better about giving some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 What you see as being taken for granted, he may see as being comfortable in the relationship and reliability. I'm afraid you'll have to be a bit more specific. What, exactly, makes you believe that he's taking you for granted? Link to post Share on other sites
Author susanl Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 I think the biggest reason I think he is taking me for granted is that he just assumes I will be there for him no matter what. I understand being comfortable in a relationship but, you also have to respect a person especially if there is no committment involved after two years. I just don't understand why ? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I think the biggest reason I think he is taking me for granted is that he just assumes I will be there for him no matter what. I understand being comfortable in a relationship but, you also have to respect a person especially if there is no committment involved after two years. I just don't understand why ? I assume my bf will be there for me, I don't see that as taking him for granted. I hope my bf assumes that I will be there for him too. There's no ring on my finger, but I don't see our relationship as not committed. Are you saying that he's assuming that you'll be available whenever he wants to go out, or that you'll cancel all your plans for him? Without him talking to you about it? Or that he believes no matter how he acts you'll always stick by him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author susanl Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 I assume my bf will be there for me, I don't see that as taking him for granted. I hope my bf assumes that I will be there for him too. There's no ring on my finger, but I don't see our relationship as not committed. Are you saying that he's assuming that you'll be available whenever he wants to go out, or that you'll cancel all your plans for him? Without him talking to you about it? Or that he believes no matter how he acts you'll always stick by him? I think he believes I will be there at the drop of a hat--that he doesn'ttake into account my feelings or my schedule. He assumes that I will always drive the 30 min to get to his house. I love him very much and I am at a loss to what to do --because I can't imagine my life without him. But I know that if I don't call him--he will just not call me (he calls it his time to chill). Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Oh... one sided, you do all the work to keep the relationship alive, while he kicks back reaps the benefits? That kind of assuming... Have you talked to him about the way you feel yet? It's a good place to start. Hmm... start from the middle and work your way out. Talk to him. If he's not willing to comprimise, or understand where you're coming from, then you'll need to try something else. Blackmail sometimes works. If he goes where you want, or to your house, then he gets something he wants out of it. Not just the honor of your presence. (that may have come off insulting, but I don't mean it that way.) Basically, if he behaves the way you want, then reward him with something he wants. But make it clear that's what's going on so he correlates it. (some men are slow creatures. ) If you don't like the idea of that, then you can spend more time with friends, family or some activity you enjoy. Get involved more in your own life, and less at his call of when he wants you. Don't be spiteful, but if you have other things you'd like to do, then tell him you're going to do such and such, and you'd be happy to meet him later. (like for dinner or something.) This is my thinking, and I may be wrong, you didn't give much detail. But sometimes we get a little bored in relationships, and we find our partners aren't as exciting as they used to be. Its comfortable, and known, but dull. So you could try spicing it up more. Find new things to do that both of you would enjoy. Men are always big on spicing up the sex life. Actually, I'd say try spicing up the sex life, and I bet he'll be calling you more often. Throw in a little of your own independence and own interests back into your life. And be willing to comprimise, but you don't have to constantly give in. Before talking to him, write everything out. This might help you work out a clear and definite approach. Helps clarify the problem, and your thoughts. List what you want to see in an ideal relationship, what you will comprimise on, and what you won't comprimise on. Toss the paper and go talk to him with your ideas and thoughts organized. Then listen (not just hear) what he says, and ask his ideas, thoughts, suggestions on this. For instance, he say's he's not going to call you, but doesn't mind you calling him. If this is one of the areas that you will not comprimise on, then offer a different give and take solution. Like, if he won't call you, then maybe he can set aside one day during the weekend to go out to dinner with just you. Link to post Share on other sites
cree394 Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I've just broken up with my boyfriend of three years. You don't have to do the same, of course. The relationship was one sided. He was always making time for the guys and work, but there was nothing left for me. As I get older, I expect a guy to be more mature, which means, hopefully, you know a lot more about yourself, and what you are looking for. That includes, whether you want to settle down in a year or three years. I'm not willing to wait, after you've see who I am for three years, to wait more years to see what your verdict will be. His lack of committment in the form of marriage tells me what the real deal is. Forget words. Action shows what's really in the heart. I think he's cool, but we aren't to be. And I don't believe in trying to change someone. I definitely don't believe in trying to pressure a guy to marry me. Come on? How much value will I really have to him later on? That's my personal opinion. Cree Link to post Share on other sites
Author susanl Posted November 19, 2005 Author Share Posted November 19, 2005 I've just broken up with my boyfriend of three years. You don't have to do the same, of course. The relationship was one sided. He was always making time for the guys and work, but there was nothing left for me. As I get older, I expect a guy to be more mature, which means, hopefully, you know a lot more about yourself, and what you are looking for. That includes, whether you want to settle down in a year or three years. I'm not willing to wait, after you've see who I am for three years, to wait more years to see what your verdict will be. His lack of committment in the form of marriage tells me what the real deal is. Forget words. Action shows what's really in the heart. I think he's cool, but we aren't to be. And I don't believe in trying to change someone. I definitely don't believe in trying to pressure a guy to marry me. Come on? How much value will I really have to him later on? That's my personal opinion. Cree Wow I didn't mean to quote the whole thing but gosh are you right. At some point you sit back and think is this going to work?? And to let everyone know --I think Ihave come to grips with this --but going to give him one more chance tomorrow--hope it works out and going into it with an open mind--but-----I think this guy is so scared of committment that he doesn't know what to do--but i have come to grips with that. I think he will miss me--not being selfish but --I love him to know end and do tons for him--but at least I have come to grips with this. And to those of you who have been following this post--when he called today he said" I am going to watch the basketball game tonight--I don't know what the kids are doing or you are doing--are you going to be up here"---hmmm anyone got an opinion why I am home tonight with a fire in the fireplace with my dog and cat--lol Link to post Share on other sites
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