Helping my love move on....

[hbeezee]

I am currently in love with the most wonderful woman that has ever graced my presence. I am recently divorced, and WELL over my EW... been emotionally gone for a few years before the divorce, so there is no coping for me. The problem is with this girl who shares my love.

 

She was in a serious 2 year relationship. The guy started out wonderful, and then she begain to see thru his lies. He created a weakness in her. He would cause her to have anxiety attacs to the point where she went on medication. He would then play the "hero" and tell her that everything would be alright if she stayed with him. She began to believe that she couldnt live without him. This continued for almost the full second year, untill he went to far and hit her. Medication or not, a red flag went up and she left... for good!

 

This happened 4 months before I met her. The night we met we talked for hours about past relationships. I disclosed everything in my life (because I never thought I would see her again... to me she is waaaay too good for me.) I told her the truth about my past because I too was in an dishonest relationship. She told me of the abuse her ex caused and of the problems she had. She felt like for the first time in her life she could tell a man her problems and he would listen... cuz thats what I do. Listen.

 

Long story short... to my amazement, we fell deeply in love. More deep than anything either of us had felt in our lives ever. I am 28, and she's 26, so we kinda know from past relationships what we like and love... and it is each other.

 

Here is where the problem comes in. It is currently a LDR. Due to business situations, I am in California and she is in Kansas. I have flown her out to see me and I have flown to see her. For a week at a time. Eventually, when I can, I will be with her for good. We both know we want to be together.

 

She lives alone, and I we talk on the phone untill she falls asleep almost every night. We have racked up quite the phone bills talking all day... But, her living alone has brought up memories of how much she missed having someone around. She is haunted by the good and bad thoughts of her ex and how he treated her. She tells me how lonely she is... and not to worry, she isnt going to replace me, and is still in love with me. The problem is, she is having a hard time totally loving me with all her heart (and she confesses this to me)... due to her anger and frustration at her ex. The distance and time between us is what caused it to surface again. When we were together a month ago, you couldnt tear us apart. We are PERFECT! Only in romance novels do you find such a perfect match... however due to my absence, she is having a really hard time. Only lately have I gotten her to open up to me. For a while she had a difficulty trusting me due to the dishonesty of her ex. She has gotten over that now... but she is so lonely. She hates talking to me about it because it makes her feel stupid telling the man she loves about an ex. I try to tell her that its alright... and I am always here to listen... and never judge.

 

She is just having a hard time getting rid of this guy... at least as long as I am away. She constaly looks at pictures of them, and has the jewelry he gave her (pretty expensive, but he bought it with drug money.......... nice guy huh?!) She hates the fact that she cant seem to part with it. She HATES the guy with a passion... but misses the togetherness that they shared. Not him, just having someone there. This is her first LDR by the way.

 

I am surprising her next week for thanksgiving... showing up a week before and staying through the holiday. I know she will be excited, all her friends tell me how much she misses me.

 

My question is this: How do I help her deal with this situation? How do I help her move on. I know this could be catagorized as a rebound, but these issues didnt surface untill I had to leave. I have left before, but not for this long. How do I get her to talk to me about it more to get the feelings out in the open instead of bottling them up. I dont want to loose her, and I dont think I will... but she is so miserable! She desperatly wants to love me fully, but the thoughts of that a**h*** are getting in the way. Any ideas?

 

During the days we talk about the future and the wonderful things we are going to do when we are together again. But when the sun goes down, things change. She gets lonely. The last thing I want to have happen is her loneliness to take over to where she doesnt want to be with me and wants sonmeone physically there... in which case, I have no chance because I cant be with her always right now... HELP?!??!

[Betherfly78]

I would suggest she do some counseling. It sounds like she went through a very tramatic experience with her ex, and she doesn't have all those issues resolved yet. You said she can't trust you yet because of her past with her ex. Well then it sounds like she is not ready for a new relationship yet. That is a huge part of a relationship working. Trust. The other in my opinion is communication...but it seems like you two really have that down together. LDR's are hard. I have been there. The best thing she can do for herself is to keep herself busy! Recently, I just got out of a 2 year serious relationship that got bad towards the end also. I took myself to the gym to get rid of the emotional energy from the break up. I also took up a few classes at the local university and threw myself into my books. Have her do things for herself like getting her nails or hair done. Tell her to set an appointment up at the spa with a girlfriend for the day. She needs to keep herself more occupied. I hope things work out for you two.

[brittanyjean259]

do you know if she is completely over her ex at all?...it doesnt seem like she is ready for a relationship....and if she cant give you all of her...than she is not ready..you should be careful....im sure you guys had a good time together and what not.

 

 

but be careful:)

[hbeezee]

I agree with the both of you...

 

She keeps herself very busy. There are times during the day I cant even get ahold of her because she is busy doing things for herself. She is so over this guy. I have not only heard it from her, but her closest friends. She is just frustrated by being alone and it keeps reminding her of her ex and how they spent so much time together. She works out every evening after work. She doesnt get bothered while working so she can concentrate on it.. something her ex never let her do. She gets her hair and nails done all the time... and is very happy with herself in every way.

 

As far as giving her my all... I was surprised that what she gave me so far wasn't her all. If there is more to give, I will be in heaven. Because she is the most thoughtfull, wonderful woman ever, and cares the world for me. And she shows it too... so if there is more, then I am excited! Bring it on!

 

Her problems are with being alone at night. When the sun goes down and work is over and the nail and hair salons close... thats when the lonliness sets in. And there are some nights when phone calls just dont feel like enough from my end either. I will not loose this girl though!

[Walk]

My bf is gone most the time for work, and I've had a really hard time dealing with the lonliness, and thoughts that come with that. Seems like that's when all the doubts creep in, and all the fears, and worries.

 

I always feel the worst right after we hang up. (He calls me every night too.) It's a horrible lonely feeling. What helps is he text messages me right before he knows I'm going to go to bed. Tells me he loves me, and says for me to pretend we're snuggled in bed together. I read it before I fall asleep, and it helps make me feel like I'm not alone in the world.

 

If you can't text message her, then maybe letters? Something for her to physically hold that you wrote. Or buy something sappy, like a stuffed animal, and tell her it embodies your love and if you can't be there every night, then to snuggle up with the stuffed animal.

 

As far as the emotions and difficulties of getting over the ex. Her time alone, although hard for her, is probably very good for her. I would definitely get her someone to talk to in addition to you. A counselor, psychologist, religious figure, someone she can trust. But she probably needs some time to deal with a lot of issues that you won't be able to help her with.

 

Be patient with her while she's going through this. It sounds like you are, but please keep it up. I know I had a lot of issues after I broke up with my ex that surfaced specifically after my bf was away for a while. Those were the times when I didn't have him to focus all my attention on. So thoughts of the past would come back, even though I hated the ex. It was really hard, but I think without that time, I wouldn't have fully gotten over what had happened or learned from it. She does need someone else to talk to though, who can guide her through this. But stay positive, and be patient.

 

It sounds like you're doing this right. Just keep showing her she's special, and that you love her, and be understanding.

[hbeezee]

I had to switch my cell service to include unlimited text messages... we send them back and forth all day to drop a few lines or a joke. When I talk to her at night, I usually talk her to sleep. And she calls to wake me up in the morning. I send her a card or letter every week... and she sends me one back at the same time.. we usually get them on the same days!

 

I know that she has recently found an old friend that she can talk to. The only problem is that it is an ex from 8 years ago... now one of her best friends... that she can kinda talk to. Yes, that kinda worried me, but I got over it because I trust her.

 

I am going to see her this next weekend... she thinks I am showing up on Sunday, but I am actually showing up on Friday... renting a car and going to surprise her while she is out with some friends. I hope it will be a good surprise... I dont really have reason to worry, but stranger things have happened...! (she actually told me it would be a fantasy of hers to turn around and see me standing there at the place she is at.)

 

Any ideas on other surprises, or if this is not that good of an idea?