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He kissed me.


flamingjune

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It was our 5th date on Thursday. He jokingly invited himself over to watch a movie at my place. And I jokingly said sure, but we'd both have to behave. He arrived at 9:30p and I was all excited and nervous but he was cool as always and I eventually relaxed. He even gave me a cd of some music that he burned. :) We ordered in for dinner and ended up watching about 2 different movies and it was tons of fun. The weather was awful, really cold and rainy, and neither of us had work early the next day, so I offered him the sofa.

 

We ended up talking until 7:30a (!) after the movies were done. Then during this small lull in conversation, he looked at me strangely and started stroking the side of my hair and I froze thinking, "Uh-oh, is he making a move on me?" (Yes, flamingjune is a total dork). Then he said, "Um, did you really mean it when you said that I have to behave?" And I wanted to bust out laughing because I felt ridiculous, but I said "Yes."

 

Then he said, "I really like you, and I just want to be sure. I don't want to come off as overly shy but I also don't want to push anything on you. I sense that you also like me, but I also sense 'not yet'." Which was true, if you read my other post (Smitten, but it's only been 2 dates) I really do like him. But there's the issue of his ex. They were together for 5 years (which is practically married), were living together, and they only officially broke up over 2-3 months ago. They're still in touch, because she's out of the country and she left her stuff with him. He said when they talk that it's just about "practical matters."

 

So, I told him that I really like him, too, but that I'm worried about the ex and about him possibly being on the rebound. I also asked if he was still seing other people, or looking around, or dating online. And he said "No." He said, "I really don't think I'm on the rebound. I genuinely like you. And when we first met I was meeting other girls and dating. But not anymore. Somehow when you think about someone all the time everyone else fades." (Watch flamingjune turn beet red).

 

Then he got quiet for awhile and then said, "What can I do to make you feel better and to stop worrying?" And my heart melted. It was so sweet. The cynic in me said, "Oh he just wants to get laid." Which in all reality is probably at least partially true. :p But part of me felt that he was sincere. I didn't know how to answer his question at the time, but in a later email I said it would probably take time, trust, and getting to know each other.

 

So, what's the deal with the ex? Am I being played? My guard is definitely still up because of that. Because everything's so new I feel like I'm in no position to ask that he stop talking to her. We've known each other about a month. Although I'd feel so much better if at some point he would just end the whole ex connection. I know that I can't control him, but should I be more clear about my stand on that? I know that some people can stay friends with their exes. Personally, however, I think an ex in the picture is just trouble. Especially when he and the ex had such a long history together, and when he and I are just starting to get involved.

 

Still and all, it was just nice spending time together and I'm glad that he initiated "the talk." Or was that the "pre-exclusivity" talk? I know it's best not to assume anything, but it seems that we're at least on the same page emotionally. Or am I reading too much into it?

 

Anyway, the best part was when I walked him to the door the next day and I gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Then he paused and leaned in and he gave me the sweetest, smallest, innocent kiss on the mouth. Really more of a peck. But the way he did it was so charming. And he did it a few more times and nuzzled my cheek and held me by the waist. If I hadn't been holding onto the door, I swear I would've fallen over, I was so stunned. :D

 

Well, what would you do if you were in my shoes? So far, he's been a really wonderful, sweet guy. But there's the ex ...

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My 2 cents.

 

Proceed with caution but don't let that caution become more

then that, as it sounds to me like you may have something

really special in the works :).

 

I have been in your position – my current SO was in consistent

communication with her ex-husband during the first 12 months

or so of our relationship.

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I don't enjoy saying this. I don't know if you necessarily need to take all of this advice. But I think you already know the answer.

 

They were together for 5 years, and broke up 2 or 3 months ago?

 

Hon. You know the answer to that.

 

I think taking it insanely slow is your best bet. Just remain friends for several months. Maybe even until this time next year. Do not let yourself build any expectations up. Do not. I hate to say that to you, because your happiness radiates from your post. But don't get excited about this. At least yet.

 

5 years is a very, very, very long time. It's nothing to be mad at. In fact, it proves that he has the ability to go the distance with someone he really loves. But 2 or 3 months is not long at all. They dated for 1,825 days. They have been apart for 60-90 days.

 

I think you need to really find something to keep you anchored. He is subconciously in need of companionship, because he is accustomed to it. Keep your guard way up.

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Hi Augur,

 

How did you deal with your so's ex? 12 months of constant contact with her ex is a long time. Did they have children together? Did their contact upset you? Did it make you feel threatened somehow? Or were you cool with it? Did you let her know? And if it upset you, what made you decide to hang in there?

 

You said:

"... it sounds to me like you may have something

really special in the works."

 

Thanks. It looks promising, and I wish I could be carefree and enjoy it without reservation. But I'm still worried.

 

 

Hi Swamp,

 

Ah, thank you for pulling my head out of the clouds. 2-3 months post-breakup is a ridiculously short time compared to 5 years. And I supposed I could make up all kinds of justifications for why he might think I'm extra-special ;) but the fact remains -- well, we just met. I honestly want to hold out, emotionally and everything else -- not in a manipulative, "I-want-to-play-hard-to-get" way, more in a "I-don't-want-to-get-burned" way. It's going to be tough. Maybe I shouldn't go out with him tomorrow. He invited me to a concert. Or maybe I'll go, but shouldn't be too affectionate.

 

Haha, well I painted myself into a corner. He'd been procrastinating on trying to quit smoking all weekend. So last night, I said, "How about, if you start using those nicotine patches I'll kiss you for real,would that work?" kind of jokingly. He said, "Promise?" So, he put the doggone patch on and now I owe him a real kiss. I'm such a dork.

 

What you said:

"I think you need to really find something to keep you anchored. He is subconciously in need of companionship, because he is accustomed to it. Keep your guard way up."

 

By anchored, do you mean that I need something to help me maintain my distance?

 

Ah well, it's not an encouraging diagnosis, but if I really think about it, I pretty much agree with you on that. Why the heck do I have to meet a great guy who's probably on the rebound? I finally meet someone who seems really compatible and makes me happy but I can't relax and enjoy it. This is totally retarded and it sucks. :( I hate love.

 

P.S. To no one in particular, but just an aside: Philip Glass's String Quartet No. 2, "Company," is a great song. :) Especially with this grey weather lately.

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2 to 3 months is a short time, but he also said he hadn't felt that way about her in a long time. For what ever reason they didn't break it off sooner. Maybe he felt obligated to stay for some reason? Was supporting her in something and because he does care for her, didn't want to leave her in the lurch. Doesn't mean he was in love with her for the entire time, might just mean he's got a good heart.

 

When I left my ex.. we'd been distant for a long time prior to the split. I dated others for a short time, then met a guy I really connected with. A lot like what you are talking about. I think I'd technically been single for ...3 months at that point. It wasn't a "rebound" for me, I was amazed I found someone like him. And I've been amazed for nearly 2 years now.

 

I'm just saying that it's quite possible that he's not "rebounding", although I would be cautious about the "used to someone there" part. Enjoy this time, and the newness of it, and his words and actions and the intense feelings.. But he needs time to be single, or at least, not living with you sharing every moment. Keep the dating part alive for as long as appropriate.

 

You sound like you've really got your head on your shoulders and know what's going.

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Just as another side, I was with my Ex for over 11 years. We broke up in December, i was talking to my new bf my January and dating by Feb. We've been together 8 months and it is not a rebound for me. I would be wary but someone really can be over a long term relationship in that period of time.

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2 to 3 months is a short time, but he also said he hadn't felt that way about her in a long time. For what ever reason they didn't break it off sooner. Maybe he felt obligated to stay for some reason? Was supporting her in something and because he does care for her, didn't want to leave her in the lurch. Doesn't mean he was in love with her for the entire time, might just mean he's got a good heart.

 

When I left my ex.. we'd been distant for a long time prior to the split. I dated others for a short time, then met a guy I really connected with. A lot like what you are talking about. I think I'd technically been single for ...3 months at that point. It wasn't a "rebound" for me, I was amazed I found someone like him. And I've been amazed for nearly 2 years now.

 

I'm just saying that it's quite possible that he's not "rebounding", although I would be cautious about the "used to someone there" part. Enjoy this time, and the newness of it, and his words and actions and the intense feelings.. But he needs time to be single, or at least, not living with you sharing every moment. Keep the dating part alive for as long as appropriate.

 

You sound like you've really got your head on your shoulders and know what's going.

Hey Ms. June - I see how it's going for you, so disregard my other reply :)

 

Like Walk, I think that some people are emotionally out a relationship long before they are officially out of it. This could be because they are not as willing to prematurely walk away from a committment. It's not always a negative thing. It might not be as much of a rebound as it would be if they had a blow up and broke up.

 

I really like Augur's comments.

Proceed with caution but don't let that caution become more

then that, as it sounds to me like you may have something

really special in the works :).

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Hi Augur,

 

How did you deal with your so's ex? 12 months of constant contact with her ex is a long time. Did they have children together? Did their contact upset you? Did it make you feel threatened somehow? Or were you cool with it? Did you let her know? And if it upset you, what made you decide to hang in there?

 

They did not have any children together.

They contact did not upset me until it began to upset her.

I rarely felt threatened by her ex.

I was cool with it until he began to upset her.

 

This is not to say that things where not annoying – I swear that

This guy hade a masters degree from Miskatonic in being a

Hobgoblinomics or something. As things turned out, she needed

Closure with him, and it took her awhile to do so.

 

The heart of the mater was that I fell in Love with her. Also

the fact that we became friends first helped a lot.

 

You said:

"... it sounds to me like you may have something

really special in the works."

 

Thanks. It looks promising, and I wish I could be carefree and enjoy it without reservation. But I'm still worried.

 

I stand by my quote that mega just quoted (thanks mege:))

Time should help you in this regards.

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He said when they talk that it's just about "practical matters."

 

People who still talk to their ex GF Or BF still have feelings for them..

They can spell out all the practical matter stuff they want and it still comes down to someone still has unresolved feelings for the other..

 

RED WAVING FLAG ..

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Art - this may be true but not all of the time.

 

A personal example, I had to go through 3 months of hell

after my divorce with my ex just to move on - we still HAD

to communicate. Admittedly, I was not involved with anyone

else during this time period, but if I had been, trust me, the

ONLY feelings that I had towards her was to get her the heck

out of my life.

 

With my SO, it took her much longer and I know beyond a

shadow of a doubt, had I pushed, this would have been a

negative thing to do. Closure tends to be a relative thing and

as such, takes a different amount of time for some then it

does for others.

 

In my case, things worked out to our mutual benefit. As you

point out, this is not always the case. I just see that too

much focus on something that *may* be a problem sometimes

puts an individual in a position where they may shortchange

themselves.

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His ex-relationship was pretty serious. She was at school in PA so he moved there for her for 2 years even though he hated living in Philly. They were also together in Egypt, and he only got back to NY last year.

 

And there's more to the story, I've found out. He said that things were getting rocky and that she had ended up cheating on him maybe the 3rd or 4th year of the relationship. He was mad but they tried to work things out by, get this, trying an "open relationship" in the 4th year. He said it was her idea. Anyway, it didn't work out so she moved out and is currently in Morocco.

 

So, I asked him, "Does she know that you and I are hanging out?" He said, "No. I feel like it's none of her business." Fair enough. But if they talk now and again, you'd think that sort of thing would come up. Is he hiding our dating because he's really private or because he doesn't want to ruin the possibility of dating her again? Maybe I'm just overthinking and being paranoid. Relax ...

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Walk,

 

It's amazing that things worked out for you. :) Congratulations on your 2 years! I guess it makes a huge difference when feelings die before you break-up. There's no way I'd move in with him at this point. I don't even know his favorite color yet. :laugh: And believe me, I'm going to stretch out the dating. I'm a little gunshy right now. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

When I left my ex.. we'd been distant for a long time prior to the split. I dated others for a short time, then met a guy I really connected with. A lot like what you are talking about. I think I'd technically been single for ...3 months at that point. It wasn't a "rebound" for me, I was amazed I found someone like him. And I've been amazed for nearly 2 years now.

 

You sound like you've really got your head on your shoulders and know what's going.

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Art - this may be true but not all of the time.

 

 

Your talking about a marriage.. different deal..

I had the same with my ex for about 2 months.. Mostly through an attorney though..

 

A BF GF scenario is different..

 

No kids.. No assets.. Still talking.. BS.. They have feelings for each other..

 

The Stuff could be put in a storage place.. Thjere is more to this story than she is seeing..

 

I would never leave any of my belongings at someones house for months that I was no longer involved with ...

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Art,

 

This is exactly what's bugging me in the back of my mind. Something's weird about it. But I thought maybe I was just being paranoid.

 

People who still talk to their ex GF Or BF still have feelings for them..

They can spell out all the practical matter stuff they want and it still comes down to someone still has unresolved feelings for the other..

 

RED WAVING FLAG ..

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Pendawn,

 

How did you get over 11 years so quickly? What's your secret? :)

 

Did things end badly or on good terms? Were you happy for most of the 11 years?

 

Just as another side, I was with my Ex for over 11 years. We broke up in December, i was talking to my new bf my January and dating by Feb. We've been together 8 months and it is not a rebound for me. I would be wary but someone really can be over a long term relationship in that period of time.
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Art, I attempt not to see things in absolutes but from as many

sides as possible. Your point seems valid as I see it. I stand

by my point, and disagree with you that it is a different deal.

It is a mater of viewpoints that we both have from separate life

experiences :).

 

So as a disclaimer, June – anything I post are my observations

– your results may vary. But I still truly believe that you should

simply be concerned, but not to the point that the concern

mutates into something larger then it needs to be. Oh, and

you don't seem paranoid to me in the slightest :).

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