But, Can We Tell This Story to our Grandchildren?

[NewLee40]

Ok, so, I've been posting alot about dealing with my recent breakup. Its been rough. I've had a hard time coping and I'm just now coming around to a reasonably good place with it.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a bit of a rough time. I am not a heavy drinker and I don't ever go to bars alone. But, it was Saturday night and I'd spent the day out shopping trying to cheer myself up. Shopping done, I just couldn't face another Saturday night alone. So, I went to a bar and proceded to get toasted.

 

I met a guy there in the same boat. We struck up a conversation and found that we had lots in common. Same religious background, same educational background, kids the same age, and there was an attraction. Of course, neither of us were in great shape. As I said, I dont' drink alot and I got very very ill. We went to a nearby restaurant to eat and I must have left him at the table alone 80% of the time because I was running to the bathroom to be sick.

 

He made several references about going back to his place, which I politely declined. I was drunk, but not THAT drunk. After I got well enough to drive home, he followed me part way and called to make sure I got home safe.

 

I called him the next day to apologize for being such a mess with him and hoped he didn't think I was a total alcoholic loser. We met and had dinner that night. Nice kiss goodbye...still references to sex, but he's not pushy.

 

He called again, and we've talked on and off. I met him last night and we had a good time. I really like being with him and I'm comfortable around him. He's really funny and we have the same slightly off color sense of humor. I know he was hoping to "get lucky" but alas, he went home empty handed. We made plans for dinner tonight and he wants to go to church together Sunday morning.

 

Ok....mostly good signs except for the fact that we met in a BAR, where we were both HEART BROKEN over other people, and although I know I don't frequent bars alone looking for pickups, how can I be sure he isn't that type either? I do think he likes me a lot and from what I gather from our conversations, I don't think he's a player. I really do think he's looking for a good woman to settle down with. But, I've been wrong so many times before about guys.

 

So caution is in order, I know. I think there is potential with him, but know its too soon to tell. Of course, he's not going to tell me if he's just looking to get laid, so there's no way to know how he'll react after we have sex until after we have sex.

 

Anyway, I'm tempted to make this his lucky night....but I'm not sure. I'm really not interested in a hook up or temporary sex. But, it is our third date......

 

Thoughts?

[NewLee40]

Well, I went on my date and had a really good time.

 

But, when it came down to the "moment" I couldn't. It was actually quite traumatic. I nearly cried when I realized it. It didn't feel right. I'm not ready.

 

I think I'm not going to even try dating for awhile.

[Art_Critic]

It sounds like you are at least using your best judgement.

 

It's tough having sex the first time after a breakup and if you thought this guy was it you would've.

 

You met him in a bar and he has tried to initiate sex within a few hrs of meeting you .. This is very telling .

 

He is only after sex .. even if he is showing patience to get it.. After the deed he will move on and you will feel used.

 

Now if you continue to get to know him .. more like 5-8 dates later and you want to have sex.. Go for it.. you will be better to handle it by then

[NewLee40]

Yes, Art, you are right. If I'd thought he was the guy, I probably would have been more "ready." There was just something about his approach when he was making the moves that really gave it away that it was all about sex. I just couldn't do that.

 

I'm 40 years old, I have this brand new body (losing 120 pounds and having a tummy tuck and butt lift after..LOL), my hormones are raging, and I am so ready for some satisfying sex.

 

But, its just not worth it if it isn't right.

 

There's really no point in spending any more time with this guy. We had fun, but he doesn't want to be my "friend" and build a relationship over time. I don't think sex is the ONLY thing he wants. I think if we started seeing eachother, he'd be wanting the whole relationship RIGHT NOW. But, that also is a red flag. I don't think its about me, I think its just that he doesn't like being alone.

 

Sigh....

[heartnsoul]

I just wanted to say that I've found your threads very inspiring. You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders.

 

I'm dealing with the loss of my relationship and I'm struggling with dating again myself. Like you, I found myself back on the dating scene 2 years ago after a horrible 8 year relationship. I've had my share of 'hit and misses' but met my most recent ex and thought it was gonna stand the test of time but to my dismay, it didn't. All be it a synics POV....finding the 'one' has really begun to resemble a myth.

 

Well, I didn't write here to dump my situation in your thread but rather to tell you that I enjoy reading your threads. Even though they're bitter sweet. Sometimes we meet people that we share a good connection with but for whatever reason, the timing is just off.

 

NOTE: Kudos on 120 lbs!!! That's absolutely fantastic

 

Good luck and may we both find happiness !!!

[NewLee40]

Thanks Heart.

 

I do think I have a reasonably good head on my shoulders, and that's what baffles me so much about all I've been through with this guy I'm trying to shake loose now. How in the world does someone with their act basically together end up allowing themselves to come undone by some flake who is not even close to being worth it?

 

All blame aside, obviously there is something there that I need to work on to avoid a repeat of this situation. After an 8 year marriage to a certifiable narcissist, an 11 year recovery, I find myself in virtually the same boat.

 

I guess the difference is that I'm recognizing sooner, but even so, I still cling to this irrational hope that this guy really loves me and he will change as soon as he gets over his fears/baggage/etc...

 

The only way I was able to leave my toxic abusive marriage was when my ex finally managed to kill every good, benevolent, understanding feeling I had towards him. I had to actually be out of love with him to leave.

 

I'm still "in love" with my recent ex and I'm seeing through other people's posts how difficult of a place this is to be when you are breaking up with someone, and trying to keep true to NC. These people know how to manipulate the thread of hope that you still feel to their advantage until they successfully kill every good feeling you have about yourself and THEM. Getting out early, before that happens is a very difficult prospect indeed.

 

I"m getting there though. I am so thankful I found this site. This is the kind of support I need to see the cycle for what it is and figure out how to get through this.

[heartnsoul]

Sites like these can be very beneficial in one's healing process. It's somehow encouraging (sadly enough) to see people sturggling with similar situations. Although, you can feel for someone and what they're going thru, every situation has it's own 'uniqueness'. Therefore, you have to take some replies at face value (if that makes sense)

 

NC is absolutely brutal but because my ex was the one to ask me for the 'break' .... NC it shal be. It sounds like we both landed ourselves in a position with men who were still 'rebounding'. However, you took the initiative to break the cycle and that was very courageous of you!!!

 

We have learned some valuable lessons and what to look out for with our next relationship prospects.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by NewLee40 ....mostly good signs except for the fact that we met in a BAR, where we were both HEART BROKEN over other people, and although I know I don't frequent bars alone looking for pickups, how can I be sure he isn't that type either?

You can't Bars are exactly what they are.... places for pick-ups. You're lookin' for a gem in a haystack. The odds aren't good.

 

I do think he likes me a lot and from what I gather from our conversations, I don't think he's a player. I really do think he's looking for a good woman to settle down with. But, I've been wrong so many times before about guys.

 

I hope you're really here for advice, so I'm gonna be really blunt...

1. You're wrong about guys and this guy....

2. Guys don't usually go to a bar and look for someone to settle down with.....

3. He fits the description of a player. It's really funny how many things you said that you have in common with him. (ps. And I don't think you're lying.... so go figure )

 

 

Anways, you're contradicting yourself, here.....

We had fun, but he doesn't want to be my "friend" and build a relationship over time.

(Read: I'm in a real hurry, baby......)

 

and here.....

I don't think sex is the ONLY thing he wants. I think if we started seeing eachother, he'd be wanting the whole relationship RIGHT NOW.

 

Btw, good for you about losing all the weight and gettin' all that confidence back However, if you just want some hot sex, please disregard all that I've said. But if you really wanna find out if he's for real.... ie. if he really wants to settle down with you, well, tell him you're gonna hold off sex for quite a while until you get to know him a lot better. I think you might find a surprises in store for ya. All the signs are there.

[NewLee40]

Let me explain about the apparent contradictions. They really aren't contradictions at all. I've seen this type of guy before and this is what I really think...

 

He just doesn't want to be alone, he wants sex and he wants someone with him all the time. I get this from my conversations with him. He wants sex, companionship and someone to be there for him. I generally get the feeling that he just wants SOME woman, ANY woman. I'm nice, not bad to look at, stable with a good job (all his descriptions), and he was hoping to close the deal by getting sexually involved. And yes, he's in a hurry to do that. And that's why I said he didn't want to take the time to be my friend and build a relationship over time. I pretty well know we'd never get to the 5th or 6th date. His patience level is practially nil.

 

The reason I don't think he's a player is that he seems to be in a very big hurry to settle into another relationship without really stopping to get to know ME. What he saw (see above) was enough for him to make that decision. To me, this screams NEEDY man, who will just suck the life right out of me.

 

As for the things we had in common. As I said, educational background (psych majors), church background (same religion, and if you understood my religious heritage you would understand the profundity of that commonality), single parents, and seemingly same child rearing philosophy, etc...

 

And even though I was not at the bar for a pickup, yes, I'm pretty sure he was. He's a different breed. He's not looking to catch a lot of fish. He's looking to catch a big fish that will feed him for a long time. I guess that's what didn't feel right about it. It was clear to me that he really didn't see ME, he was just seeing what I could do for him.

 

There were other red flags I also discovered last night. Some suspected, some new. One thing I've learned is that if you see a cockroach, there are a million of 'em living behind the walls.

 

No...this one was easy to walk away from. He's not for real.

 

And no....I'm not looking for just hot sex.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by NewLee40 And even though I was not at the bar for a pickup, yes, I'm pretty sure he was. He's a different breed. He's not looking to catch a lot of fish. He's looking to catch a big fish that will feed him for a long time.

sure looked that way...

There were other red flags I also discovered last night. Some suspected, some new. One thing I've learned is that if you see a cockroach, there are a million of 'em living behind the walls.

:laugh:

No...this one was easy to walk away from. He's not for real.

Good for you....