Delia Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 I don't know exactly why everytime a guy asks me out, I turn him down, even if he's attractive. I'm 21 yrs old and I feel kinda pathetic because I've never had a boyfriend before. Well, it's obvious that is my own fault! I guess it's because in high school I was the girl who had maybe a couple of close friends, who basically kept to herself and was too focused on school to really think about dating. It didn't help that my parents were against the whole dating thing. So, I became used to guys not noticing me. After high school, when I started getting asked out, it just freaked me out. I would be thinking: "um... why is he asking me out?" And just thought it was some kinda joke. Anyways, for example this one guy I met at work (he was actually a customer) who was really nice and cute asked me out over a year ago and we had coffee. He expressed that he liked me and I freaked. The idea of being intimate and making myself vulnerable was just too scary. And then I just emailed him, saying I wasn't ready for a relationship and blah, blah. I'm just so afraid that if a he gets close to me, he'll discover all my horrible flaws and see that I'm not that great. Anyways, I haven't heard from him since, and I regret not giving him a chance. I also have a lot of self esteem issues. I'm really insecure about my appearance. My friends say I'm pretty but, of course they would say that. I've always been obsessed about beauty and because I'm into fashion and art, I'm always seeing images of beautiful models and comparing myself to everyone pretty girl I see. All this prevents me from actually being able to talk to guys, like if I like a guy I just completely ignore him, acting as if he's not there. Ahhh! What is wrong with me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Juntao Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Hey, i think you should just take it step by step, you need to go out on some dates just to get experience. And dont worry about the fact that you never had a bf before, lotta guys like the cute innocent types. Also, about your physical appearance, well if you post a foto, i can tell u if your pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
she_9325 Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 delia i bet you are beautiful. just keep your chin up. you don't have to be a model, i can tell you have a heart of gold and u know what, that's what matters chica. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Start slow, maybe look for some guys who are also inexperienced. (they do exist, my best friend was single and date-less till 27, then he met a shy girl who'd never dated, they are now getting married) start with friendly dates like coffee, parties, movies with a group of friends, etc. Things with less pressure. get to know a guy slowly, and in time you'll feel comfortable around him. You might even tell him up front that your shy and want to take it slow, he'll think it's cute. A good guy will respect that and alter his approach to help you feel comfortable. Remember, in his eye's you are attractive. If he didn't think you were, he wouldn't be asking you out. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 It sounds to me like you have some pretty serious issues. I have an avoidant personality and it sounds like you do too although I don't really know you. I've gotten a lot better with A LOT of work. I would take a look into that and maybe get some help for your self esteem issues. I'm hesitant to say this because I don't know you and I'm sure as heck not a doctor but try doing a search on the net to see if you can get some information on avoidant personality disorder. See if any of the descriptions fits you. It's just a jumping off point. Link to post Share on other sites
Delia Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 what's even worse is that I am always attracted to guys who are also shy. It's like I'm subconsciously only attracted to the ones that are shy so that I know there will be a slim chance of anything happening. It feels safe, knowing that either of us couldn't possibly make a move. If I'm sitting next to a guy in class and he's shy and I'm shy, we will barely talk to each other the whole year. And if anything, it's always him that initiates a conversation. This has happened and everything I say always sounds so stupid and I'm always unsure of myself. And you know, I probably just come off cold or unapproachable. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirl1121 Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Hmmm, i think you just need to force yourself to do these things and you'll realize it's not so difficult. I am 22 and never dated before. I'm always insecure about how I look, I think mostly because I don't get much attention to people and was never asked out anyway by any guys. Lately tho, I've started to be a lot more bold. I've started looking at how people react to me and in the past year I think I have had a few guys who were interested but I kind of freaked you could say. One guy at work I would talk to asked me a few times thru email if I wanted to hang out and i totally ignored the email. Let's say he eventually gave up. So I kept saying tomyself, next time just DO IT. then i guess a couple other people may have been interested.... the guy i'm REALLLLLY into, I've never said anything to him, but I think that i've been pretty bold in keeping the friendship alive. So I went to the bar the other week and was dancing with this guy. Really not my type, not really attractive, but he seems to be real into me, and i'm like WHY? i wanna be like what is so special about me? So i'm trying to figure out if my crush likes me back....he's not txting me and stuff like this new guy is so i am super confused. But this new guy wants to get together so i told myself not to blow this or i'll regret it, so i went to the movies with him!!! i may hang out with him a bit, just to get the experience and have some fun, and see how it goes, i think once you force yourself it'll all end up ok and you'll be proud of yourself in the end instead of regretting it!!!! And if guys are asking you out, they obviously find something attractive about you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Hey, all of you who are stressing over this dating thing please just be patient. Time is on your side. All quite young. So, I know others have been dating a lot since like 15 or 16 but in reality you are really just hitting a legit dating age. Just don`t let any morons get away with too much. The biggest problem lies with inexperience with dating and the tricks that are out there. Pretty spooky world out there today actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Linus Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 You need to decide what you really want, and in what order. Do you want to be more secure with your self-image? Do you want to be able to be more comfortable around men? Do you want to date? It sounds like you might want to date, but are afraid of intimacy... so maybe you'd want to confront that first. It sounds like you are attractive (if guys are saying so, then it's true) but you may not believe this yourself. You speak of many flaws that you're afraid would make guys leave you if they ever found out. Remember, everyone has flaws, absolutely no one is perfect, and in my experience if I find out that a girl has a little quirk it makes me appreciate her MORE, not less. It defines her more clearly, and sets her apart. This is a good thing. Someone mentioned avoidant personality disorder, which may be true, or it could be something known as social phobia. Or, it may just be a matter of needing to find ways to boost your confidence since you don't have much experience and haven't gotten the reassurances you want and need. You may want to consult a counselor. Even though this route may seem insurmountable, working with the right counselor (it may take a few tries to find the best fit, and never hesitate to request someone else, it's a normal facet of the profession) reaps many benefits. Possibly something called "cognitive" therapy would really help, since its aim is to change negative patterns of thoughts, and it sounds like much of what you describe is negativity in your thinking about yourself. Think about what angle you want to deal with first, and then take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Delia Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 The weird thing is, all of the guys that have asked me out, have been older than me. A few of them even like ten to 15 years older! It made me nervous, wondering why it's always been older men that have asked me out. The only one close to my age was this guy who was 26. And it's not like I look old for my age. Quite the opposite, actually. But I appreciate all of the advice. I think what I need to do is stop obsessing over this and just do things that I enjoy and am good at. I did that alot more as a kid and I had so much confidence as a kid, but doesn't everybody? Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 The reason older guys are asking you out is they have discernment. They have been around long enough and seen enough to know that younger gals like you are out there with no guy in their life because of shyness. Younger guys take you at face value and think you are rejecting them so they leave you alone. After a number of years in the dating league guys begin to understand there are actually people like you out there and they pay close attention. Link to post Share on other sites
joel Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 i am askin this pretty much finding a date or gf is pretty much very similar to like making a freind-same process. some will like to hang with u while others won't am i true. meaning some ppl will be ur firend and other will be just ur aquintance, or other may just be ur freinds u talk to but never hang out with out of school . same with girls some will want to date u, others just as freinds while others wouldn;t even want to look at u. finding a freind just a freind of the same sex is very similar to finding a gf-it is also the same process too right but with flirting. tell me is this true or not b/c this is what ppl from this forum and others are telling me thank u for all the advice guys Link to post Share on other sites
battleworn Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 Joel, as usual, eloquent and to the point. Bravo. Link to post Share on other sites
Delia Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 i am askin this pretty much finding a date or gf is pretty much very similar to like making a freind-same process. some will like to hang with u while others won't am i true. meaning some ppl will be ur firend and other will be just ur aquintance, or other may just be ur freinds u talk to but never hang out with out of school . same with girls some will want to date u, others just as freinds while others wouldn;t even want to look at u. finding a freind just a freind of the same sex is very similar to finding a gf-it is also the same process too right but with flirting. tell me is this true or not b/c this is what ppl from this forum and others are telling me thank u for all the advice guys ?????? Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 My Interpretation of Joel's Response: Joel is trying to say that getting a date/bf/gf is similar to making a friend, some people will want to be your friend and some won't, some will want to be your bf and some won't. Every relationship has a different level of involvement, friends, acquaintances, romantic involvement, etc. You meet people of the opposite sex (date material) the same way you would meet people of the same sex (friend material). He has interpreted the majority of responses on this forum to have taught him this. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 Hi Delia, The older guys are probably observing that you're quiet and sort of introverted and are finding that appealing. You're coming across a little more mature to them (not old, but interesting). Dont count out the older guys. I'm usually attracted to women 10 yrs younger or so. And quiet girls are alot more interesting than bar flies! Just try to relax the next time a guy that you find attractive approaches you and just talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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