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Old 9th August 2005, 6:13 PM   #1
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Girlfriend has only dated black men

This is a wierd awkward issue here. My girlfriend and I are both white. I'm not racist let me get that out of the way. Anways I've been going out with her for 3 months. I love her everything is great. I knew her ex was black and that didn't bother me, however today I found out that she's pretty much exclusively dated black guys. She was talking to me and she said all the guys she's dated have been black and her family will love me cause I'm white. I have to admit I was kinda taken aback by this. I am in general against interracial relationships and I feel a little wierd. Everyone knows the stereotype that black men are bigger and better in bed, however she swears I'm the best she's ever had and I"m a 5'8'' white guy. I mean I totally believe her. She wants to marry me. . In the back of my mind I just keep wondering why she only dated black guys. Should I question her about this or just try and let it go. I can't really talk to anyone I know about this cause they would probobly say bad stuff about her.
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Old 9th August 2005, 6:28 PM   #2
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In the back of my mind I just keep wondering why she only dated black guys.
It won't hurt to ask. Just ask in a non-confrontational purely curious way. You will have to keep it objective, so that she is answering to your curiosity and not defending against your prejudices.
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Old 13th August 2005, 6:08 AM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend has only dated black men

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Originally posted by eclipse123
This is a wierd awkward issue here. My girlfriend and I are both white. I'm not racist let me get that out of the way. Anways I've been going out with her for 3 months. I love her everything is great. I knew her ex was black and that didn't bother me, however today I found out that she's pretty much exclusively dated black guys. She was talking to me and she said all the guys she's dated have been black and her family will love me cause I'm white. I have to admit I was kinda taken aback by this. I am in general against interracial relationships and I feel a little wierd. Everyone knows the stereotype that black men are bigger and better in bed, however she swears I'm the best she's ever had and I"m a 5'8'' white guy. I mean I totally believe her. She wants to marry me. . In the back of my mind I just keep wondering why she only dated black guys. Should I question her about this or just try and let it go. I can't really talk to anyone I know about this cause they would probobly say bad stuff about her.

You got some issues dude...seriously.

Being a black man myself AND being in an interracial relationship as well ( ) I'm just gonna say two things:


#1) Who she's been with in the past is none of your goddamn business

#2) The fact that she's been with brothas tells me that she's a lot more open-minded and yes...intelligent than you are. It's quite frankly, a shame that she's settling for you and not waiting to be with a man who is much more on her intellectual level.



This girl is a sweet, open-minded and non-bigoted girl. Don't corrupt her with your prejudice views and find someone else who has similar views to your own.
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Old 13th August 2005, 6:39 AM   #4
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White women who date black men only are in love with the sterotype not the man. They are the first to cry rape when things don't go their way. Look at what happened to Koby Bryant.
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Old 13th August 2005, 6:48 AM   #5
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Re: Re: Girlfriend has only dated black men

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Originally posted by Proto
This girl is a sweet, open-minded and non-bigoted girl. Don't corrupt her with your prejudice views and find someone else who has similar views to your own.
That is a rather large assumption to make there Proto. I have talked to a number of black women that don't agree with the idea of interracial dating. Does that make them bigoted and close minded, and mean?

I have seen situations similar to what the OP is talking about. Where the family does have issues with racism and prejudice. And in alot of these situations they date black men not to be open minded, but to spite their families and to cause drama and get attention. Or just to prove they are not racist like other family members.

If she had dated a mix of peole of different races, black, asian, hispanic, eskimo, caucasian, that would be open-minded. She has dated black men predominantley, almost to the point of exclusivity. That looks like she is seeking black men out to prove a point.
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Old 13th August 2005, 7:08 AM   #6
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I have nothing against interracial relationships. I have dated black women but when a person dates a race exclusivly they are usually dating them because of some preconceived notion of what that people of that race are like. That in and of itself is racist. I bet if you look at this girl's exes they are all black men who fit a certain stereotype.
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Old 13th August 2005, 8:44 AM   #7
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When I first read your post eclipse123 I was a little taken aback that you were so concerned about the race of the men your girlfriend has dated.

I put myself in your shoes however, and I (as a Black woman) would also want to know why my Black boyfriend had only dated White women.

I don't blame you for being curious, but I think your reasons for being curious ("size") is a bit much. I don't really believe that she dated Black men b/c of that (and believe me, not all Black men are well endowed); maybe she's just attracted to their features, their mannerisms, etc.

She's with you for a reason and who she dated in the past doesn't really matter now (especially if she wants to marry you).

Don't let something as petty as color ruin what you have.
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Old 13th August 2005, 9:02 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend has only dated black men

Quote:
Originally posted by eclipse123
I'm not racist let me get that out of the way. Anways I've been going out with her for 3 months. .... today I found out that she's pretty much exclusively dated black guys. .... I have to admit I was kinda taken aback by this. I am in general against interracial relationships and I feel a little wierd.

Everyone knows the stereotype that black men are bigger and better in bed, however she swears I'm the best she's ever had and I"m a 5'8'' white guy. I mean I totally believe her. She wants to marry me. . In the back of my mind I just keep wondering why she only dated black guys. Should I question her about this or just try and let it go. I can't really talk to anyone I know about this cause they would probobly say bad stuff about her.
no... you're not racist ROFLAO


as for the marriage thing? you're trusting some chick who after 3 months wants to marry you?

1) grow up- get over her past and your insecurities.

2) EVERY guy she has ever been with "was the best shes ever had." You wanna hear you're inferior? shes not gonna tell you that!

3) yes you are are most likely smaller in size than one of those guys.

4) grow up- get over her past and your insecurities.
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Old 13th August 2005, 9:34 AM   #9
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Some nice friends you have - they would say bad stuff about your girl.
How can you be against interracial relationships and call yourself a non-racists? I personally am not really attracted to other races, but I full-heartedly support inter-racial relationships. Only because I am sexually not so attracted to other races doesn't mean i wouldn't associate or work with them. It's just about physical attraction; in everything else we're fully equal.
I also see that you feel threatened by the size of the black guys' penises. I don't think your GF has dated them because of that particular reason. Given that her parents were against her choice, I think she dated exclusively black guys as a part of her rebellion behavior.
If I knew that my BF had dated only black girls, I would think that he prefers them, but if I know he loves me, then I wouldn't make any problem out of it. Matter of fact, my BF likes blondes and when I was a brunette I didn't think he wasn't attracted to me. i knew he was. I went to blond highlights, just because I change my hair once every couple years.
The point is, I don't think this is about physical preference; I think you're bothered by the fact that she dated black guys. You think they're low class or second-class citizens...But they are people like all others. And what if they were Asians or mixed race? What if they were wealthy and educated? Is it really about race or your prejudice about race? If you have a problem with that, discuss it with her now and bury that subject once forever.
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Old 13th August 2005, 10:51 AM   #10
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Re: Re: Girlfriend has only dated black men

Quote:
Originally posted by Proto
You got some issues dude...seriously.
I don't see that, but go ahead and continue.

Quote:
Being a black man myself AND being in an interracial relationship as well ( ) I'm just gonna say two things:


#1) Who she's been with in the past is none of your goddamn business
This assumption may, and may not, be true. To at least some degree, the history of this man's partner is very much part of his business.

Quote:
#2) The fact that she's been with brothas tells me that she's a lot more open-minded and yes...intelligent than you are.
How do you come to such a conclusion? It seems that this man is simply wondering why this woman used to date only members of one race. I would wonder this, as well. Would you not feel the same way? Being curious about such a thing does not show that a person is close-minded, or unintelligent. Coming to hasty conclusions, however, may indicate such things.

Quote:
It's quite frankly, a shame that she's settling for you and not waiting to be with a man who is much more on her intellectual level.
I think it would be best to refrain from such irrational assumptions. If you would care to point out how this man appears to be unintelligent, go right ahead. To me, it simply sounds as though his confusion over her preference for black males was misinterpreted by you as being racist.

Quote:
This girl is a sweet, open-minded and non-bigoted girl. Don't corrupt her with your prejudice views and find someone else who has similar views to your own.
A person who disagrees with interracial relationships is not necessarily a person who harbors prejudiced views. There are members of other races who also oppose interracial relationships.

Quote:
Originally posted by RecordProducer
How can you be against interracial relationships and call yourself a non-racists?
I want you to explain to me how disagreeing with the idea of interracial relationships is being racist.

Quote:
The point is, I don't think this is about physical preference; I think you're bothered by the fact that she dated black guys. You think they're low class or second-class citizens...
Show me where he said this; I don't see it anywhere. People love to jump to some wild conclusions here.

Quote:
But they are people like all others. And what if they were Asians or mixed race? What if they were wealthy and educated? Is it really about race or your prejudice about race? If you have a problem with that, discuss it with her now and bury that subject once forever.
I really do not see any indication that this man has a problem with race. It is rather difficult to phrase these types of questions. "Before our relationship started, my girlfriend had only dated men of one particular racial group. I wonder why she was so picky in the past, and why she would now decide to change her routine by dating me." may have been a better way to draw attention to this subject, but it would still most likely have elicited the same type of responses.

I think it does make sense to wonder about this. If a woman dated only members of one racial group for many years, and then suddenly changed course, it makes sense to want to know why she chose to do so. Perhaps there is something very special about this man. In any case, if this man is curious to know something about the woman he loves, he has every right to ask without being accused of bigotry.
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Old 13th August 2005, 4:57 PM   #11
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Re: Re: Re: Girlfriend has only dated black men

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Originally posted by Woggle
White women who date black men only are in love with the sterotype not the man. They are the first to cry rape when things don't go their way. Look at what happened to Koby Bryant.
Ok, I'm going to ignore the Kobe Bryant part of that statement because I find it completely inappropriate. Instead I would like to comment as a White woman who has only dated Latino or Latino-mixed men in her lifetime.

Probably the biggest one is pure physical preference. Brown skin and brown eyes make me melt. Mostly EVERYONE
has a physical type that they tend find themselves attracted to. We all do physical screening every day and are drawn to certain characteristics over others. I've never dated a white man. I've also never dated an obese man or a man who a physical disability, but no one would think to question it. It's only because my preference is outside of the "norm" that people take notice to it.

Others reasons of mine are lifestyle/interest based. I grew up in a small east coast city whose public school system was 10% white. There simply weren't that many guys of my ethnicity to pick from. I have also spent a good amount of time in Latin America, so the men were picked for me. Back in the States, I like a man who speaks Spanish because I busted my ass to become fluent and would like my future children to grow up bilingual. I like a man who can dance Latin music because dancing salsa, merengue, and bachata is a big time hobby of mine and I like to be able to include my signigicant other in it.

[QUOTE]I want you to explain to me how disagreeing with the idea of interracial relationships is being racist.[QUOTE]

It is seen as racist because "disagreeing" implies that that it is wrong for people of two different 'races' to be physically and emotionally intimate. And for it to be 'wrong' implies that there is some type of qualitative difference between them that makes it wrong. It also devalues the millions of interracial relationships that exist in the world.

My inherent problem with those who disagree with interracial relationships is that the concept of race is just that, a concept. There exists no such thing as a pure biological race. Its just a mesh of genetic physical differences that we've decided to mash together and label for our purposes. There are millions of people in the world that do not fit them. It's like saying a "valley girl" can't fall in love with a "red neck". They are categories we have made up. Does "race" have physical manifestations and consequences in real life? Hell yeah, and many of them are serious and can't be ignored. But the bottom line is that we as humans invented them, and should be able to reinvent them as well.

Please, could you give me your argument as to why you disagree with the idea of interracial relationships?
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Old 13th August 2005, 7:54 PM   #12
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That was a wonderful post, KITKAT, I really enjoyed reading it!
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Old 13th August 2005, 8:57 PM   #13
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I've dated black men in the past and I had a similar problem with a boyfriend of mine (no longer with him). The past is the past, you meet all kinds of people and their race should have nothing to do with it. Maybe these happened to be the guys she liked and wanted to go out with until you came along, now she loves you and wants you. Be happy, and forget the silly stuff.

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Old 14th August 2005, 9:25 AM   #14
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I think you need to get over it. She is with you now, and that is all that should matter. Perhaps her tastes are changing? Perhaps her bebelling (as one poster suggested) is waning.

She has said she is into you and gives you no reason to doubt it. Go with it man.

I agree that you may want to unconfrontationally ask why she thinks she only dated black guys. I mean she is comfy enough to admit it I imagine she would diascuss it.

On the interracial dating thing..here is my take. I am not racist and have many friends of many ethnicities, religions, etc. However, race, religion, and sex are always huge topics, and usually the starting points of major disagreements that would kill a marraige. I would not marry or become with another race simply because of the issues that society (and I totally disagree with society on this) has placed. Right off the back, you are judged as black and white, oriental and white, black and oriental, etc. People will question it and so forth and it will be an awkward situation. The recent movie Look Whos Coming comes to mind. Now when kids come along (assuming a marraige) what is it going to do to them? I watched a program on Derek Jeter (black dad, white mom) and there was a LOT of animosity for him and his suster growing up. Wrong, but a fact. I believe that a relationship should be fun, and when you put in an already defined prejudice, you are definately beginning behind the 8-ball.

On the sex angle, I have heard that size does not matter (but I secretly tthinkn it does) but that is not necessarily all that matters. I imagine someone with a big dick can have crappy sex if it is not used right--maybe good for pictures but thats about it. I have also heard that the majority of black men in the US do not enjoy going down on a woman...so that could be a major thing if you are good at it. Most black americans are descended from the Caribbean nations and there is someting in the religion that is tied in with menstruation and the blood and the evil spirits (old time teachings) so naturally no one wants to drink from that fountain! But again it is the old time stereotypes that perpetuate this.....well my dad and grandfather never did so it must be...
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Old 15th August 2005, 4:55 AM   #15
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Another thought - don't presume that a white woman who dates black men is necessarily open-minded. Where I live (non-US), plenty of women (white) want to get to the US, and the easiest way is to marry a US soldier.

Last year I expressed surprise to a friend of mine that her employee, who's expressed extreme prejudice against other races, would be marrying a black man. My friend said that local 'common knowledge' has it that the black soldiers are easier to get, and her employee's relationship was not an expression of new open-mindedness at all.

It's also possible that the OP's girlfriend had been using her black bfs just to get at her parents. The "they'll love you 'cause you're white" could be a tip-off here. One of my sisters did this as a way of asserting her independence, and she is one of the most conservative people I know.
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