I'm stuck and I need a push

[ms. biz]

I've been in a non-committed, sexual relationship with someone for over a year. I struggled with "feelings", but managed OK for the most part. During this time, the mention of other people/dates never came up. The last couple of months things got more frequent, more affectionate and very bf/gf "like" between he and I. I was just starting to ponder this when he told me that I should get a date for a particular concert because he has one. I tried not to show fear/pain, but I'm pretty sure he could tell when I immediately told him I had something to do. We hugged rather quickly and he left.

 

OKAY. So I decided to go no-contact until I sorted my feelings/pain. I felt very confidant that he would call soon, and decided that when he did, we would have an honest talk about the situation. Also I opted NOT to go to said concert. It's been 3 weeks and I have taken action for myself and have gone on 2 "dates", via online personals (my first time). The dates were fine, but nothing special.

 

HERE IS WHERE I NEED HELP: It's been 3 weeks and he never called, so we still have not had a talk. Part of me wants to just call and get it over with, while part of me is worried that to call him means giving up more power and looking pathetic. I'm confused because I really did not think he would let this ride. Is this a clear message that he could care less? Should I call?? I'm REALLY depressed and missing him but I'm SO tired of being the one who "blinks first". I feel the MATURE thing is for me to call, but for some reason I feel it will make more of a statement if I don't. Meanwhile, I am truly miserable wondering how a person I shared so much time with, for so long could just let this go as is. I REALLY DON"T KNOW what is best for me at this time. I DO KNOW that I feel much worse than I did when this happened 3 weeks ago.

 

Should I let this ride and push through the pain, with no further communication or bite the bullet (AGAIN) and call?

[newspice]

I personally think that you should call if you feel so strongly about this. I think you should just tell him how you feel.

 

I know swallowing your pride is hard to do, but sometimes we have to. Good luck.

[lindya]

Originally posted by ms. biz

feel the MATURE thing is for me to call, but for some reason I feel it will make more of a statement if I don't.

 

The mature thing would be to recognise that you're in a relationship with someone who is determined to preserve a power imbalance - with himself always being at the favoured end. This will continue, regardless (and possibly even partly because of) any stress and unhappiness it causes you.

 

To suddenly announce "best get yourself a date for the X concert, because I already have one" is just vicious. I'm sure he didn't come across as being vicious when he said it. No doubt it was all handled in a "caring, honest and direct" sort of way that left you feeling as if this was something you should just be cool with. That how people like this guy manage to keep power imbalances going. Nonetheless, it's vicious.

 

If you really want to waste your time and energy trying to respond to this behaviour like a saint, then I suppose that's up to you. Really, though, I think it would be far more productive to figure out why you don't feel that you deserve better.

[Mr.positive]

Don't call thats what he wants you to do. If he doesn't call Then he lost something good.