my_manda Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I have a dilemma. Over the weekend, a good friend of mine (we have been good friends for a couple of years now) and I hung out. It was Friday night and we were talking and he said, lets go to dinner. He came and picked me up and then we went and ate and ended up having two bottles of wine. He had just bought a new house nearby, so we walked over and took a look at the house. We called a cab (we were not able to drive), and headed back to my house, were we sat talking for another hour or so, and he ended up talking about why we had never dated, etc. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Well, the next morning, I said to him that I wanted him to call me and for us to not be weird because of this. Well, he called Saturday, but quickly got off the phone saying he would call Sunday. I never heard from him Sunday, and every Monday morning he emails me with some "joke of the week". This morning...nothing. I feel like the dynamic has totally changed and I am bothered. Do I call him and clear the air, or do I wait for him to mull over his thoughts for a little while and back off until he calls me? I am not even sure what I feel, but I know I feel something for him, but more than anything, I do not want to lose his friendship. I am 28 he is 29 so neither of us are out there "dating for fun" anymore and I wonder if he feels like it is a mistake and by not calling me he is giving me the hint? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Good friends can clear the air, but the question is, what are you clearing it toward? If you want to date him, you now have the issue that he may not want to date you, or vice versa. I would at a minimum figure out exactly what you would like to happen next, and what you hope will happen next. Only talk to him after that. As an aside, and as a man, I have never felt the same way about a female friend after that as I did before (either I like her and am concerned its not reciprocated, or its just too wierd, or I remember that there IS a reason I never wanted to date her before, or that I just don't see her romantically after sleeping with her), and usually what happens is I step way back for a few months/years. This may be what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I hate to be blunt mY_MANDA....but your freindship is most likely over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 1, 2005 Author Share Posted August 1, 2005 Thanks.....Is it wrong for me to send him an email or call at this point? Do you think it is possible he is still working through what he is feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by my_manda Thanks.....Is it wrong for me to send him an email or call at this point? Do you think it is possible he is still working through what he is feeling? No, it's not wrong. And he could be still working out his feelings. But like Cecelius said, don't contact him until you've worked out yours. Otherwise, what are you going to do? Ask him what he wants while not being able to answer the same to him? Once you know, contact him and ask him if you can talk about what happened. If he's not ready, you can give him some more time -- within reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by my_manda Thanks.....Is it wrong for me to send him an email or call at this point? Do you think it is possible he is still working through what he is feeling? It's not wrong, but you may just push things too far at the expense of your dignity. I'd leave it alone, frankly. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius It's not wrong, but you may just push things too far at the expense of your dignity. I'd leave it alone, frankly. I agree Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Uhmmm...why does your profile say you live with your boyfriend Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 1, 2005 Author Share Posted August 1, 2005 my profile has not been updated.... he moved out six months ago, we broke up. sorry for the confusion........he moved to Dallas. Link to post Share on other sites
MG Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I am going through the same thing right now, it went on for a few months which just made it all the more confusing. I got drunk and upset about it one night and have been trying to talk it out ever since, but i'm pretty sure things have changed forever. i am going to give it some time to smooth over and let my emotions calm down before we try to be friends again. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius It's not wrong, but you may just push things too far at the expense of your dignity. I'd leave it alone, frankly. If you leave it alone, then you'll never know. To have any kind of relationship, somebody has to sacrifice a little bit of their pride. There's always a possiblity that he does want a romantic relationship, but is too scared that you don't want one and doesn't want to sacrifice his pride. Or maybe he wants to remain friends, but is scared you want a relationship. Either way, you can continue to be dignified yourself and not talk to him again, then there will definitely not be any relationship or even a friendship left. I fail to see what's so undignified in simply approaching him and asking to talk about what happened. It's not as though you're going to go crawling on your knees to go beg him to be yours forever. That would be a mistake. Discussing the situation so that both parties know where each other stands is not. Maybe you both want exactly the same thing, but you'll never know unless you find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 Thanks crzy grl....I appreciate your insight. OK last night he called me. Unfortunately, I was at dinner with a client so I could not take his call. I called him back when my client stepped away from the table and told him that I was at a business dinner and would call him later. When I called later, he did not answer. Anyway, he sent the usual email this morning and apologized for being so evasive Sunday. He said he needed some time to process what happened. He also said in his email, that he is watching to see where this goes, and taking things in stride because he does want something to develop, but not at the sake of the friendship. I think that basically, he may want to talk about it, but does not know how to go about approaching the whole situation. Do I mention it, or go on like it never happened and see how things go and what path we go down as we hang out again? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 You need to decide whether you also want something to develop. If you do, you'll have to let him know. If you don't, you'll also have to let him know. Either way, you need to talk about this. Link to post Share on other sites
blackendangel13 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Hopefully my story is encouraging here. I met my now best friend about a year ago. We were both out of very serious relaitonships. We hung out all the time, slept in the same bed together and were really close. We occasionally kissed but we were just friends. One night we hung out and went to a bar and got really trashed. I came home with him and we both passed out. Sometime in the night we woke up and had sex. The weird thing was, it didn't change anything. In fact I occasionally make fun of him about it. We went out the same day and we have still been best friends since. The other day I partied at his house and tucked him into bed because he was wasted. I had to almost carry him up the stairs and take his clothes off. It was very funny because he didn't remember anything but that part and called the next day to see what happened. I guess the point is, we talked about it and it has not been weird. I know all friendships are not like this but I just wanted to hopefully encourage some of you. It may not be as big a deal as you think. Call him and talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 I am going to talk to him about it. I really feel like either way, we will remain friends...hopefully. I think also that I have figured out more of what I would want, based on him not calling me Sunday and me worrying about it. I know that I would like to see where things go, like he said, but I am not looking for him to be my boyfriend overnight either, and I think I just want to communicate to him that he should want to call when he calls and not feel like it is some burdening obligation since we are seeing what happens and not trying to make it happen. Anyone disagree? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by my_manda Anyone disagree? yes, I do. just drop the whole thing. it'll be best in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale yes, I do. just drop the whole thing. it'll be best in the long run. why's that, alpha? my_manda, the reality is that you're going to have to give up the idea of the friendship as it was if you want something more to happen. However, your friendship has already been ruined, so you're really not giving up much. Maybe 1 in 1 million friendships could go back to exactly how they were, but judging by this guy asking about why you've never dated and then telling you he'd like something to develop, that's what he's interested in. Because of that being out in the open, you can't go back. You can both pretend that everything is okay and back to normal, but that won't make it that way. So either you try to establish a new type of friendship or you try to establish a relationship. In that relationship, the friendship you already have can grow stronger. It's not going to be the same, but it could be better. Approach this as you would any other potential relationship. You know each other well, but you haven't gotten to know each other as potential partners. Go on dates and get to know each other. And be sure to establish whether or not you're in committed relationship. It sounds like you don't want that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 I would just rather take things slow from here forward. I know that sounds lame since we already had sex, but continuing down a fast track path is not beneficial in my opinion. I feel like once you reach a certain point, you can go back and hit the brakes, but if you keep going at 80mph you are going too fast for it to do any good for you to stop. I know I cannot take the sex back, and frankly, I am not regretful as I feel like he is feeling the same way I am. I too have wondered why we never dated and feel like our lives are on the same track in many ways, we have the same beliefs/opinions, like a lot of the same things, etc. One thing that will be weird is that we share a circle of friends and I think they may be more than a little surprised. One of our friends knows and her response, stunning to me as it was, was that she was thrilled that we are trying to take our friendship to another level because she felt like we meshed so well. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Since he called, and actually discussed it via email, your entry to the next step is there. I would just take it slow as you say, and perhaps not try to bring it to a narrative head. How about just asking him out at this point? Then relax and proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 2, 2005 Author Share Posted August 2, 2005 Every Thursday in the summer, we go to this event at a park where they have a free concert, drinks, food, etc. and everyone brings a lawn chair and gathers around. He emailed me and said he wanted to go as usual, but wanted to see about us grabbing dinner beforehand. I think that as far as things starting slowly this is a great step. I told him I would love to do this and he said he would be at my house around 6pm, but that he would call beforehand this week sometime. I feel like he is on the same page with me at this point as far as seeing what happens. I feel like if we gradually want to spend more time together than we will, but either way, I know that he is trying! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by my_manda I feel like he is on the same page with me at this point as far as seeing what happens. I feel like if we gradually want to spend more time together than we will, but either way, I know that he is trying! You may want to briefly discuss this at dinner. It's easy to think that someone is on the same page as you when they're really not. That usually ends up with someone feeling resentful and hurt. You don't have to make it a huge thing of it. Just tell him how glad you are to be out with him and you're looking forward to taking things slowly and exploring the possibility of a new relationship. I think you're both going to do fine, and if it doesn't work out, you'll hopefully both come out a bit wiser from the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.positive Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 give him a call Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author my_manda Posted August 4, 2005 Author Share Posted August 4, 2005 Thanks so much everyone. I am so appreciative of the objective advice. He called last night and we talked about things. He told me that he has been really busy, and at first he was just nervous about the whole thing because he has put such emphasis on his career (investment banker), buying his home, etc. and has not thought much about dating anyone but recently he feels more settled in his life. He then went on to say that he was at a point where he really wanted to see where things go, and that he just wanted things to be taken slowly. I agreed and told him that I felt the same in how you are just out there trying to make life happen, and sometimes something good is staring you right in the face but you are so busy you just don't take the time to notice, he said he felt the same and that he suddenly felt that way with me over the last month or so. Tonight, we are going to dinner and the concert, and I am so glad we cleared the air. For the first time, I am wondering what I should wear around him! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by my_manda Thanks so much everyone. I am so appreciative of the objective advice. He called last night and we talked about things. He told me that he has been really busy, and at first he was just nervous about the whole thing because he has put such emphasis on his career (investment banker), buying his home, etc. and has not thought much about dating anyone but recently he feels more settled in his life. He then went on to say that he was at a point where he really wanted to see where things go, and that he just wanted things to be taken slowly. I agreed and told him that I felt the same in how you are just out there trying to make life happen, and sometimes something good is staring you right in the face but you are so busy you just don't take the time to notice, he said he felt the same and that he suddenly felt that way with me over the last month or so. Tonight, we are going to dinner and the concert, and I am so glad we cleared the air. For the first time, I am wondering what I should wear around him! Wow. That sounds like it could lead to a really great relationship. I think you're living my dream... well, if the drunken sex part were omitted, but that's a minor detail. Thanks for strengthening my belief that people can get together and possibly start a relationship when both people are honest, know what they want, and are not playing silly games. I'm so happy for you. Let us know how the date goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts