lunarboy92 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 here is context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/650246-why-did-my-first-boyfriend-put-me-through-hell-will-he-change it's been 6 months since the split and out of my first-time hurt heartbroken feelings i did a lot of vengeful things: i slept with his friends, revealed his bug-chasing fetish to everyone and someone made fun of him for it, friended his ex who told me everything he was hiding from me/lived the same-scene by scene toxic/abusive relationship, became friends with the guys he cheated on me with/had emotional affairs with and told them about our relationship, we both work in the entertainment industry and i told 3 primary big-dogs the mean things he said about their work when they contacted me telling me he tried to work with them... it's fair to say: i got even but the point being is, i don't feel good because now i feel like it discounts how hard i loved him or any of the good things i did for him out of love, and i genuinely feel remorse - yeah sure he's an abusive loser but what if he's sick, and what if how he treated me was out of his control? what if he could be saved? or maybe i'm just in denial he is a bad person and people know that, and i'm unable to accept it? Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I just read your other post. Wow. Quite the toxic mess. If someone didn't advise you there, I would get an STD panel and then wait 3-6 months and do it again to make sure he didn't give you anything. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Good endings make way for good beginnings?" I think it's a healthy sign that you don't feel that great about seeking revenge. I understand angry thoughts can be a normal part of the grieving process, but in general I think you set yourself up best in life by remaining classy after a relationship ends. Allow it to inform your future choices and boundaries, but don't sink to their level--that's my motto. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lunarboy92 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Does it come off that I was trying to sabotage his life? I mean, wasn't it morally right to tell those industry people to not work with him because it was letting a bad person who has trashed their work get ahead? Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Revenge is a dish best served cold. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lunarboy92 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 What do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Does it come off that I was trying to sabotage his life? I mean, wasn't it morally right to tell those industry people to not work with him because it was letting a bad person who has trashed their work get ahead? Yes, absolutely. You need to stop this, OP. He might be a horrible individual, but you're not helping yourself by trying to take revenge either. Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Living well is the best revenge. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 You don't feel any better, because you became a horrible person. You don't want to be like him. That will never feel good. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Does it come off that I was trying to sabotage his life? I mean, wasn't it morally right to tell those industry people to not work with him because it was letting a bad person who has trashed their work get ahead? Bad form. You know what? If right was so on your side, this thread wouldn't be here. You'd be standing in that truth saying "yeah, I did it/said it", and would be fearing nothing or no one. What you did says more about you and your level of vindictiveness than it does him. They are probably well aware of what he's done already and he's been in their crosshairs for some time. You assume no one but you knew what he did. I wouldn't have done it... you never know who knows who--and that "who" may be someone whose help you might need in the future--now they saw what you did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 His behavior was totally within his control. As was yours... Your antics, although intended to hurt and humiliate him, are more a reflection of your character than his. Learn from this. In the future, take the high road. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lunarboy92 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 I'm happy I've learned this now. Do you think I should contact him and apologize, or do you think the toxic spiral will spin out more? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I'm happy I've learned this now. Do you think I should contact him and apologize, or do you think the toxic spiral will spin out more? Leave him alone. You've done enough. Move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Revenge? You just stooped to his level and became the person you hated/despised....toxic behavior doesn't fix toxic behavior. That's why you feel like sh&^. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I'm happy I've learned this now. Do you think I should contact him and apologize, or do you think the toxic spiral will spin out more? You have done more than enough. Leave this man alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lunarboy92 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 The ironic thing is anyone could say the same about him for me, like he's done enough to me and he should leave me alone. I don't think I'm the aggressor here, I think I was reacting to being abused and I took those hurt-feelings of injustice and betrayal and created chaos off of it but I think it was in a way, not my fault cause I was trying to cope with these unmanageable painful feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 The ironic thing is anyone could say the same about him for me, like he's done enough to me and he should leave me alone. I don't think I'm the aggressor here, I beg to differ: i slept with his friends, revealed his bug-chasing fetish to everyone and someone made fun of him for it, friended his ex became friends with the guys he cheated on me with/had emotional affairs with and told them about our relationship, i told 3 primary big-dogs the mean things he said about their work when they contacted me... The first step in healing is to not lie to yourself. Yes, you were the aggressor and you decided to be said aggressor during the 6 months after you two broke up--you decided to start some vindictive and vengeful mess in his life. Own that. I think I was reacting to being abused and I took those hurt-feelings of injustice and betrayal and created chaos off of it but I think it was in a way, not my fault cause I was trying to cope with these unmanageable painful feelings. You can't control what he does. You control yourself--and you chose not to. Now you're fearing the consequences of your actions. This thread is proof of that. If you need help coping with your feelings, then make an appointment with a therapist. You went after him and are using excuses for what you did when you could have just left him alone and let his karma handle him. While feelings are neither right nor wrong, the action you put behind those feelings are what's right or wrong. Whatever behavior you chose to engage in is most certainly your fault. You're not a child. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Heard this recently: The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And that is true. So put it behind you and choose not to be miserable and hanging onto it. Make your goal to stop caring what he thinks and not focus on him. Stay busy with other people to help and take up a new hobby. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 What do you mean? It's a loaded idiom, but basically it means if you want revenge, you should seek it when you are "cold" (not hot, i.e.: mad and upset). The reason is, you may end up regretting it. When you are highly emotional charged it prevents you from thinking rationally. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Heard this recently: The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And that is true. So put it behind you and choose not to be miserable and hanging onto it. Make your goal to stop caring what he thinks and not focus on him. Stay busy with other people to help and take up a new hobby. Good luck. Great advice. I have always found the easiest way to get over a failed relationship is to stay busy so you don't have time to stew and think about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Honey, we all act immaturely about things from time to time. We do. And we make mistakes, but we will learn from these mistakes and move on. The best thing to do in this situation at this point is to close the book and move on. Things change, life goes on. You'll be a different person in a few years, all attached to this will be as well, and you'll just chock this up to memories, which it will ultimately be. Fact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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