girlinNYC Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 (edited) As per my prior post, I am involved with a really good guy. To summarize the last few months since we met, we’ve forged a genuine connection and the effort is equal on both sides. We have had to put the breaks on romance lately as both of our schedules are chaotic, it was my idea and he agreed. We still talk multiple times a week so we’re still in each other’s lives. I have been using this time away from our relationship to think and evaluate. I have found that of course I love him, but I love him as a person and can put the ‘romantic love’ aside. I would much rather have him in my life even as a friend than not at all. If we jump into a relationship when our schedules die down and down the track it doesn’t work (not trying to be pessimistic but realistically, relationships have a 50% chance of working or failing) I risk losing him forever, and not having him in my life would hurt more than anything. I thought today, that I would prefer having him in my life as a close friend (like we are now) than a lover, because there is less risk in losing him and our current dynamic. I haven’t spoken to him about it yet as I don’t want it to come across in the wrong way. I will have to rehearse my words and assure him I want him in my life, as that is the point of me holding on to our friendship and not wanting to change it. Is my line of thinking the best way forward or should we take the plunge and risk it for a romance? Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add link Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 If this is how you feel and what you want your line of thinking is on track. Just tell him how you feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 You can't guarantee that you won't lose him regardless. Being friends won't ensure you continue to be in each others lives forever. A few scenarios that immediately spring to mind: A) He wants romance and it's too hard to be friends. He pulls back and puts distance in-between you or just comes out and says it. Friendship over. B) A partner or you or he doesn't like the dynamic you have. The friendship is not the priority and at best, it weakens or disappears completely. I think you really need to ask yourself why you are considering this. My initial feeling is that you are afraid. Afraid to be hurt and afraid of losing him. Which is completely fair enough. But if you let that fear rule you, you'll miss out on a lot of things. Romantic relationships are such as risk, but they're high stakes, high reward. You have to decide if it's worth it or not. But don't be under the mistaken impression that you can keep this guy around if you manoeuvre the situation correctly. Unfortunately, you can't and you never know the future. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I don’t think you’re attracted to him romantically. If I was seeing a girl I was interested in, it wouldn’t matter how busy I am and I would do anything to spend time with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 What do you say to him to buttress moving the relationship forward in a romantic sense? And he you? You two can't make a concrete plan to spend romantic time with one another? What are his intentions? What are yours? You need to get clear on this before chucking the relationship into the friendzone... you may end up losing him as a friend, too, by doing this, if he's wanting more romance, but needs for things in his life to die down a bit first. If there is no rush, don't create a solution that will kill off what you've started. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I don’t think you’re attracted to him romantically. If I was seeing a girl I was interested in, it wouldn’t matter how busy I am and I would do anything to spend time with her. Nor would considering this new option of "friends" cross my mind. Um, no...OP. If you care about him as much as you say, then go back and do the romantic thing or let him go. If you really want to be friends, you can do that much, much later like years later when you are both in healthy stable relationships and the friendship is conducted somewhat at a distance and you don't play the grey zone of "are we or aren't we" with each other. Or where one person is hoping it will switch back to romance. I think you are not attracted to him physically (or scared out of your mind about a relationship) to even consider this friendship thing. Such a shame really--great people that you have a connection with are hard to come, especially to the extent that you want him in your life as sort of a best friend. See the movie, When Harry Met Sally if you haven't before. I think it's really well done and may jog some of the real answers you need from yourself. Anyway it will get you thinking. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 The only reason he is sticking around is that he wants sex. You throw him the friends card, he will just simply move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 The only reason he is sticking around is that he wants sex. You throw him the friends card, he will just simply move on. Unless "good guy" is code for somebody who won't stand up for himself. But otherwise I fully agree with you. I don't think you can go back from a romantic relationship to being close friends, except under rare circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlinNYC Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 Unless "good guy" is code for somebody who won't stand up for himself. But otherwise I fully agree with you. I don't think you can go back from a romantic relationship to being close friends, except under rare circumstances. We haven’t had sex. Both have played it carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlinNYC Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 The only reason he is sticking around is that he wants sex. You throw him the friends card, he will just simply move on. We have hardly discussed sex. Most of our conversations lately have been about matters completely unrelated. He’s a guy, all guys want sex regardless, but if it was his main intention he would be sexting or sending me late night messages - we don’t do that. It’s respectful stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Ok you haven't had sex, but i presume there is the flirtation there where it is assumed you will continue to get closer and date, right? It's usually bubbling under the surface and you both know. If he's been willing to go slow so as not to scare you off & same with you, it still doesn't mean you can friend zone him successfully if one of you wants something they will not be getting (a relationship). Plus it's kind of cruel. You just need to take a risk especially if you feel so great about him that you want him in your life and can't imagine that he wouldn't be in it. That's good stuff. The guys that are truly just my friends, float in and out depending on what is going on & how busy we are in our lives and it really doesn't bother me or them because we are not prioritizing each other in that loving way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlinNYC Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 Ok you haven't had sex, but i presume there is the flirtation there where it is assumed you will continue to get closer and date, right? It's usually bubbling under the surface and you both know. If he's been willing to go slow so as not to scare you off & same with you, it still doesn't mean you can friend zone him successfully if one of you wants something they will not be getting (a relationship). Plus it's kind of cruel. You just need to take a risk especially if you feel so great about him that you want him in your life and can't imagine that he wouldn't be in it. That's good stuff. The guys that are truly just my friends, float in and out depending on what is going on & how busy we are in our lives and it really doesn't bother me or them because we are not prioritizing each other in that loving way. I know what you’re saying and I agree. All that has crossed my mind. I am in love with him, but ironically that is what is preventing me at the moment from wanting a relationship with him. I guess it is because I can’t see into the future and guarantee we will work as I don’t want him out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I know what you’re saying and I agree. All that has crossed my mind. I am in love with him, but ironically that is what is preventing me at the moment from wanting a relationship with him. I guess it is because I can’t see into the future and guarantee we will work as I don’t want him out of my life. Truth is, you have to take a chance if you want to be with him. No two ways around it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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