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Starting to have feelings for my match, how to proceed


Lars77

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So I matched with this girl on Tinder and we started texting. We hit it of really well and I asked her out for a drink after about 4-5 days, she said yes but not ready to meet yet (she is in a period when she has to focus on herself with a new job and workingout) and would let me know when she is ready to meet (has indicated about a monthstime). We kept texting every day for about a week and flirting with each other. About a week ago I gave her my number and told her that I rather stop texting on Tinder and keep texting on imessage (fells more intimate), she responded on imessage within minutes. We have been texting more or less each day for about 2 weeks now, between just a couple of texts to 50-60 texts per day. She texts a lot ones we start, uses a lot of smileys (blush, winky, laughing etc), sends memes (funny ones and flirty), asks questions and always replies quick (usually about 10 minutes or less). I have been initiation most of the times but recently she has been initiating more. She has told me a number of times that she thinks that I’m funny and cute. Even though we haven’t meet yet I’m really starting to like her and have probably been a bit to flirty and forward. She knows that she is my only match, don’t know about her matches (she imessage me that she didn’t see me anymore on Tinder, send me a screenshot with no matches, noticed that I had deactivated my account, have now activated my account and she now sees me as her match, don’t know if that means that I’m her only match or if there were some Tinder server problems). I will be waiting for her, the big problem is that she is going to move to another country next year to study (which she has been up front with from the beginning) so I guess she’s not interested in a real relationship. Yesterday we had been texting for a while she send a long text telling me that she thinks I’m very cute & sweet but that she doesn’t want me or herself to have any hopes and expectations, and she doesn’t want me to think that she is being difficult and backward. Seems like she has had some bad experiences with previous matches (guys not being themselves). I replied that I don’t have any hopes and expectations and have not tried to play any games (which is true), she liked my reply. But of course I hope that we like each other in person like we are in texting and if we do I would like to get in a relationship. So, I guess what I’m looking for is some advice and thoughts. We are both older than 30.

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heavenonearth

Wow. This is insane.

 

Do you live in a reasonable distance from each other right now!?

You need to meet up! You are really wasting your time, otherwise.

All this texting does not equal the true experience of being in the same room together, sitting face to face and talking in person.

All the excitement you may feel right now may completely vanish once you two meet. So you need to meet her ASAP in order to feel out of these feelings translate into reality.

 

My golden rule of online dating: don’t wait with the first date for longer than a week after matching! (Some would probably say even less, but well, i do understand life gets in the way sometimes).

 

My boyfriend and I had our first date 9 days after we matched. The only reason we took so long was because he had an accident on day 3 after we matched and lost parts of his upper front teeth - so he was insecure about meeting. We only met because i insisted to meet. He really didn’t want to. If i would not have insisted - we probably wouldn’t have met until 2 months later (when he then finally got his teeth fixed). And that’s just too much time to build up expectations that may or may not be met once you finally meet.

 

This is why it is important to have a first date quickly after matching.

 

What i am trying to say: insist. Insist on meeting up. And tell her that if she is not willing to meet up soon, you need to move on. Simple as that.

 

My guess is that she is insecure about something and hence she doesn’t want to meet. I don’t know what it may be, but i believe you will find out rather sooner than later.

 

Some on here may say she is actually already in a relationship and just looking for some reassurance on the side, or maybe others will say that she may not be who she says she is (aka catfish).

I don’t think it’s hat extreme but — you will never find out unless you meet.

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PegNosePete
I asked her out for a drink after about 4-5 days, she said yes but not ready to meet yet (she is in a period when she has to focus on herself with a new job and workingout) and would let me know when she is ready to meet

Red flag. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

 

When someone says they are not ready to meet it means they are wasting your time and you should simply move on.

 

She is a time vampire. NEXT.

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No meet, no text.

 

Believe me, I've been locked into the perpetual texter situation. It gets old. When I first started on OLD, I went with the flow...didn't know what was normal or not, and reality, meeting strangers online...a little daunting, but I also learned that guys will want that first meet pretty quickly as well, and when a date was not forthcoming with these guys, those texts started to hurt more than they brightened my day. I even forced a couple meets that didn't turn into more dates, but the texting was there and some phone calls too. I thought after we met, it would either dissolve or move forward...it didn't dissolve...it didn't result in more dates either; did not move forward...pen pal.

 

Distance and vicinity and schedules were non-issues for a couple of these guys...they just didn't want to take the time, I guess, unless they were texting while watching "NCIS" or something.

 

Whatever you have going in text is not necessarily going to translate the same IRL...you might not click at all. If she's that damaged and frightened and/or busy to meet in person, this is just a preview to your dating life...one can assume...issues, cancellations, inability to connect.

 

I top off at two weeks, but want to meet within one, and no all day, every day texting, either.

 

I'm assuming you live a reasonable distance from each other. This is precisely why I do not seek long-distance nor entertain long-distance guys. I want someone tangible.

 

No meet, no text. Ask her out on a date, and if she keeps hem-hawing, let her know that you have enjoyed texting her, but you're seeking a relationship, so you will have to let her go. Find someone you can physically talk to, touch, kiss.

 

ETA: What is this "thing" people do, signing up on a DATING site, but they're not ready to date, as they have "other issues" they need to work on first. WHY? Disable the profile if you hit a life issue that precludes dating and relationship, but don't sign up and then spew, "I need to work on myself first." You need to have resolved these issues beforehand.

Edited by act00
Another thought
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Agree. She is a time waster. In a month she'll have another reason she can't meet.

 

You are texting now & it's fun. You are responding to the attention thinking it's real when it's not. Until you meet, it's an illusion. All the texting in the world is not a substitute for meeting. You are falling for who you think she is. You have no idea who she actually is.

 

Everybody has time for a 1/2 hour coffee meet. She has to eat lunch or dinner. If she was genuine she's squeeze in a few minutes with you even if it was to grab a quick slice of pizza near her office. The fact that she won't do that is a huge red flag.

 

You are going to get hurt. Be very careful.

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I have coworkers who use that same line saying they are not ready to meet and it is bc they are using someone else's photo and texting for attention or they used very old photos and they are much larger than what they appear in the photos. These people are over 30 as well, some in their 40s. I was amazed that that this seemed like "normal" way to pass time in the office. Anyway, why do you only have one match? How long have you been on Tinder? And next time do not tell your match that you only have one match!!! haha So what do you want out of this then? A pen pal?

 

I agree with the poster above who said this is insane.

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Wow. This is insane.

 

Do you live in a reasonable distance from each other right now!?

You need to meet up! You are really wasting your time, otherwise.

All this texting does not equal the true experience of being in the same room together, sitting face to face and talking in person.

All the excitement you may feel right now may completely vanish once you two meet. So you need to meet her ASAP in order to feel out of these feelings translate into reality.

 

My golden rule of online dating: don’t wait with the first date for longer than a week after matching! (Some would probably say even less, but well, i do understand life gets in the way sometimes).

 

My boyfriend and I had our first date 9 days after we matched. The only reason we took so long was because he had an accident on day 3 after we matched and lost parts of his upper front teeth - so he was insecure about meeting. We only met because i insisted to meet. He really didn’t want to. If i would not have insisted - we probably wouldn’t have met until 2 months later (when he then finally got his teeth fixed). And that’s just too much time to build up expectations that may or may not be met once you finally meet.

 

This is why it is important to have a first date quickly after matching.

 

What i am trying to say: insist. Insist on meeting up. And tell her that if she is not willing to meet up soon, you need to move on. Simple as that.

 

My guess is that she is insecure about something and hence she doesn’t want to meet. I don’t know what it may be, but i believe you will find out rather sooner than later.

 

Some on here may say she is actually already in a relationship and just looking for some reassurance on the side, or maybe others will say that she may not be who she says she is (aka catfish).

I don’t think it’s hat extreme but — you will never find out unless you meet.

 

Good advice! Barring extenuating circumstances you need to meet soon. You can't let yourself become attached to your own idea of what someone is like. IME no one is ever the way you imagine them to be.

 

I matched with my now fiancée on a Wednesday but it was Easter Weekend coming up. Asked her if she had big plans. She said she was going to Savannah to see family. The next week was spring break for my children and I was taking them to the beach (in one of the biggest coincidences ever since it isn't close at all) near Savannah. We were both out of town in the same city briefly but couldn't meet because I had my kids. On Sunday when I got back I arranged a date on Wednesday. Two weeks to the day from when we matched. Follow up date on Saturday to get some momentum going. The momentum never stopped.

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