Appropriate or too far?

[Streetlight23]

Hey everyone!

 

Last week I decided to reach out to a girl I dated briefly for a few weeks. We didn't end on bad terms. It was just bad timing and I don't think she was fully over her ex. She responded and we have been chatting for a few days and over the weekend. She was out of town till Sunday so on Sunday I asked what her week looked like and suggested going out and meeting up. She didnt answer as it was really late on Sunday. Monday morning she texted back and said this:

 

"I just started dating someone in my building. I dont know if that matters but if it does, you probably dont want to see me."

 

I took a few minutes to respond because I didnt expect that answer, even though I should have. I find it easier to assume that any girl I am talking to is at least dating someone else or at least talking to another guy.

 

My response:

 

"Hahaha you are one of the most complex girls I have ever met! Im not bothered by the fact you are dating someone else. It can't be that serious if you decided to respond to my original text. I'll let you decide what youd like to do with meeting up but you should know that I have no intention of being just a friend."

 

When I originally sent that message, I wanted it to be direct but also open and honest. I don't regret responding in that way but I was curious to all the LS people if it was too forward or just downright rude?

 

I'm looking at this as a learning experience. I have been told I can be too honest for my own good

[smackie9]

Quick and to the point. I don't see an issue with what you said in the text.

[Versacehottie]

Pretty perfect IMO. You just each are stating what you want and what your expectations are. Nothing wrong with that.

[LoverOfDance]

Not exactly rude. Just straightforward. A lot of people don't like that. People beat around the bush a lot. I actually struggle to find straightforward people.

 

I don't think she's interested. Your straight forwardness will save you a lot of time and energy though.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree with the others. Nothing wrong with being direct. That's how I like to roll these days.

 

 

Although, I might mention that your comment about having "no intention of being just a friend" could be construed.

 

I'm going to assume you meant that you're looking for something more serious with this girl and not just a f*ck buddy, correct?

 

Let us know if and how she responds. I'm curious how she'll read it.

[Streetlight23]

I'm going to assume you meant that you're looking for something more serious with this girl and not just a f*ck buddy, correct?

 

That is correct. She knows that a relationship is what I want from the beginning and my position hasn't changed.

 

I will let you all know if she responds haha.

[Streetlight23]

Not exactly rude. Just straightforward. A lot of people don't like that. People beat around the bush a lot. I actually struggle to find straightforward people.

 

I don't think she's interested. Your straight forwardness will save you a lot of time and energy though.

 

I get that. Its one thing that I tend to struggle with. Its hard to not offend some people when I am that straightforward and honest.

 

At this point, my interest has waning just in the way she has handled the last few days. I am more interested in whether or not my straight forwardness came off as rude or not and if it did, it would be something I would like to work on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I get that. Its one thing that I tend to struggle with. Its hard to not offend some people when I am that straightforward and honest.

 

At this point, my interest has waning just in the way she has handled the last few days. I am more interested in whether or not my straight forwardness came off as rude or not and if it did, it would be something I would like to work on.

 

You definitely were not rude. Far from it.

 

You can sleep well knowing it wasn't. However she responds is HER doing, not yours.

 

I for one appreciate a man who is direct, particularly in the beginning. At least I know where we stand. Nothing worse than wasting each other's time going round and round trying to be coy thinking it comes off as cute.

 

It doesn't.

[Maggie4]

Your text is not strikingly direct, just sounds normal to me. Isn’t that how everyone talks in normal life? Except I didn‘t really understand the comment about her being complex. What’s the story there that you left out? The rest is normal.

[Versacehottie]

Your text is not strikingly direct, just sounds normal to me. Isn’t that how everyone talks in normal life? Except I didn‘t really understand the comment about her being complex. What’s the story there that you left out? The rest is normal.

 

I think he means it (in the texts he shared with us here) that she basically was seemingly open and leading him on a bit by texting for days since he reached out originally. Like she is playing both sides (her new guy and him). But his point is if it's new with the guy in the building and rekindled with him she's not obligated to anyone yet.

 

haha if she was on here, I would say DEFINITELY don't date the guy in her building!! My friend did that and she is the most stable person ever and it was still a disaster when they broke up/awkward/and uncomfortable. Worse than trying to escape a guy one might have dated from work. Ok good luck to the OP

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you were rude, OP.

 

She might not like hearing it, but it certainly doesn't mean you made any missteps.

[Streetlight23]

I think he means it (in the texts he shared with us here) that she basically was seemingly open and leading him on a bit by texting for days since he reached out originally. Like she is playing both sides (her new guy and him). But his point is if it's new with the guy in the building and rekindled with him she's not obligated to anyone yet.

 

haha if she was on here, I would say DEFINITELY don't date the guy in her building!! My friend did that and she is the most stable person ever and it was still a disaster when they broke up/awkward/and uncomfortable. Worse than trying to escape a guy one might have dated from work. Ok good luck to the OP

 

I couldn't have said it better myself The texts we had were overly flirty and catching up with things we had in common. This went on for days! It wasnt until I asked her out that she felt obligated to tell me about the other guy.

 

Oh and you are 1000% right about dating in the building. I have been there and it was a horrible idea! To top it off, she lives in the young and vibrant area of our city. The place where all the bars/clubs and partying happens. I know because I lived in the exact same part of town. So you are telling me you met a guy that lives in your building in an area that is known for partying and having a good time?! This has disaster written all over it lol.

 

On the subject of the other guy, quite frankly, I really couldnt care. Its one of those things where unless I ask, I dont want to know if you are dating other people. I automatically assume you are, especially if you are an attractive woman. I appreciate that she told me but it wasn't going to deter me from wanting/trying to date her. Its not about him. Its about me and what I would bring to a relationship and then her choice on who she likes/wants to be with more.

[Maggie4]

Oh I see. “complex” was actually euphemism for misleading you. I guess that part stood out as less direct than the rest of the message.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Loved your reply to her! Found it very attractive!

[Streetlight23]

Loved your reply to her! Found it very attractive!

 

Haha thanks! Lets hope she thinks the same way

[Versacehottie]

I couldn't have said it better myself The texts we had were overly flirty and catching up with things we had in common. This went on for days! It wasnt until I asked her out that she felt obligated to tell me about the other guy.

 

Oh and you are 1000% right about dating in the building. I have been there and it was a horrible idea! To top it off, she lives in the young and vibrant area of our city. The place where all the bars/clubs and partying happens. I know because I lived in the exact same part of town. So you are telling me you met a guy that lives in your building in an area that is known for partying and having a good time?! This has disaster written all over it lol.

 

On the subject of the other guy, quite frankly, I really couldnt care. Its one of those things where unless I ask, I dont want to know if you are dating other people. I automatically assume you are, especially if you are an attractive woman. I appreciate that she told me but it wasn't going to deter me from wanting/trying to date her. Its not about him. Its about me and what I would bring to a relationship and then her choice on who she likes/wants to be with more.

 

Yeah, the confidence shines through on your post you sent her and here discussing this with us. Good that she told you on one hand but on the other now that that part is out of the way, "do you want to go out or not?" "Because you are seeming like you are and you are not obligated to anyone yet". I think your response like Lover of dance said will just weed her out of wasting your time if that's what she had in mind. Now she put you on notice but really the ball is back in her court. She can't really put you on the back burner like she was trying to do--while she waits to find out if they other guy is a better match and is flying around on the butterflies of that newness--while still flirting and having you hang in there when necessary. So now she knows.

 

Not sure what will happen. Think she will try her stringing along tactic again and flirting without making an agreement to go out with you yet to buy herself some time. She's definitely considering it going out with you. For standing your ground and being direct, I think it's your best chance that she will be intrigued and especially if she tries to text/talk with you, be nice but not fawning or drawn in. Be much less gung ho than you have been the last few days, it will peak her curiosity. Obviously she enjoys the attention and is conflicted. I think having to chase you a bit will help your case. Like a kid, you need to be firm to get what you want out of some people otherwise they kind of enjoy seeing what they can get away with. Lol, that's my analysis anyway.

 

Other guy is not a real obstacle yet as you said. She can date both at this stage. Which is a problem of dating guys in your building or immediate neighborhood, because they can see your activities. So if she was going to date both, she is a little handcuffed. I would maybe let it play out a bit. If he lives in her building, it can get smothery and (lazy) on his part really quick.

 

I forgot why you said you broke up though.

[act00]

I think your response was perfect, not rude, and to the point. You have a good attitude, and hopefully she responds well to it.

[2much4]

Im a bit surprised by the other reactions...

 

I once got a text like that and never talked to the guy again.

I felt like he was disrespecting me by implying I'd cheat in my boyfriend and by telling me what I feel like. There'd be no way I'd tell him I was dating someone else if I was interested.

 

I also find it rude when people assume I'm into them just because I don't tell them to get lost.

[Streetlight23]

Yeah, the confidence shines through on your post you sent her and here discussing this with us.

 

Thank you for saying this! For someone who struggled with confidence in the past and still does a little bit today, this means alot. Building confidence is one of the hardest things I've had to learn how to do, especially when it gets torn down by other people constantly. I'm glad that I feel that I am on the right path with keeping the confidence in myself and projecting that type of image. Thank you!!

 

We dated for 6 weeks and ended it due to lack of time to see each other and things just sort of faded away. She wasnt over her ex and that didnt help the situation. I say this because she mentioned her ex all the time, ie "My ex hated this restaurant." "My ex never listened to new music." etc. One conversation we had over the weekend was her finding out that her ex got some girl pregnant and how she feels about the whole situation. It was a multitude of emotions. Complex indeed.

 

Regardless of the outcome, I am happy with the path I chose. I'm proud that I put myself out there and reached out. I'm proud that I stood my ground and not being a pushover by accepting any type of relationship with her that is not on the level of what I want. I've been an orbiter and I will NEVER be that again.

 

Either way, Im happy Thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback !

[todreaminblue]

I feel you were straight up and honest and to most women that's attractive....deb

[Streetlight23]

Im a bit surprised by the other reactions...

 

I once got a text like that and never talked to the guy again.

I felt like he was disrespecting me by implying I'd cheat in my boyfriend and by telling me what I feel like. There'd be no way I'd tell him I was dating someone else if I was interested.

 

I also find it rude when people assume I'm into them just because I don't tell them to get lost.

 

Context has meaning and I never felt this was the situation based on the information I was receiving from her.

 

We dated so she knows I have romantic feelings for her.

 

I reached out with a "it would be great to see you again" text to which she responded positively to. She could have ignored it and enjoyed dating the new guy but she chose not to.

 

She never referred to the new guy as her boyfriend. She could have but she didnt.

 

If she 1st responded saying "I have a boyfriend now so I dont think thats a good idea" That would have been the end of it. It wouldn't have dragged out over a week of flirty texting and catching up for hours.

[Versacehottie]

Im a bit surprised by the other reactions...

 

I once got a text like that and never talked to the guy again.

I felt like he was disrespecting me by implying I'd cheat in my boyfriend and by telling me what I feel like. There'd be no way I'd tell him I was dating someone else if I was interested.

 

I also find it rude when people assume I'm into them just because I don't tell them to get lost.

 

I do understand how it might have been for you when something similar happened to you. Idk though I think the tone of this poster is probably different than the one the guy who did it to you though. For example, OP's wasn't really accusatory or blaming, but more brave for lack of a better word right now (it's early!!). But your point does prove that people might have a variety of reactions to a statement like his. And it's possible that he might never hear from her again, not because she was offended, but because she can't give him what he wants or things end up going well with the new guy.

 

I don't really think he was out of line because she said she had just "started" dating her neighbor. That doesn't mean there is exclusivity yet so it's kind of a grey zone and her contact indicated she was open.

 

I hear where you are coming from when you say that just because you don't tell people to get lost doesn't mean some guy should assume you are into them. I think though that the OP's girl was at least leading him on, which some people definitely capitalize on that grey area for their own reasons (ego boost, to create a back up option, lack of integrity), and in that case OP and people in his situation aren't really wrong to presume there is interest there. His girl was clear enough when he asked her out in response to him--so she didn't do bad either. Let's see what she does going forward because what she did up to that point was a little self-serving (and/or maybe she was riding the wave of ambiguity that existed naturally at that point, i.e. not exclusive with new guy and interested still in OP).

 

Anyway, that's just my perspective of why so many people have said the what the OP did was fine. You can't really fault him if you don't also fault the girl who's been leading him on a bit. And people are free to explore their options when they are not in an official relationship so it's not a moral question to everyone, just a logistical one to some.