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Thingsfallapart

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Thingsfallapart

My girlfriend says the best thing about me is I make her feel very relaxed and natural...

 

Stupid question but is this a good thing?

 

I kind of feel that if she feels comfortable around me maybe she isn’t excited enough ....

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ExpatInItaly

You're over-thinking this.

 

She more than likely was trying to compliment you, OP. Are you normally quite anxious?

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Versacehottie

I think it's a good thing. Especially in a good context, which you didn't say what the context was but the majority of the time a comment like that would come up it's in a good context.

 

Here's the thing: what are YOU really worried about? Do you feel like she's out of your league or only halfway in? Or even if it doesn't boil down to your self-esteem and you are either picking up on other cues, either non-verbal or other vague comments where she indicates she wishes something was more exciting with you OR you have that feeling yourself that you need to keep the spark alive and momentum going?

 

I think you can try to pinpoint why her statement would cause you to worry about it being anything BUT good. I feel like sometimes people do get a foreboding sense which is why a seemingly positive statement gets taken as a negative. I mean after all you are in the relationship so there is lot of non-verbal and other comments, direct and off-hand that are giving you a GENERAL sense of the relationship rather than one statement plucked out. To me, you can not really "worry" about it but take steps in advance to keep adding excitement to your relationship.

 

I think all people want a mix of where they feel comfortable and themselves but are also stimulated so you want to keep feeding the stimulation part. A lot of the time people do that through fighting and push pull type stuff and cheating to keep that exciting feeling there but it'd be smartest to do it through healthy, productive ways. To me, I think that would be to keep growing and trying new experiences together and have plans big or small that you can look forward to as a couple. Be engaged in your relationship and keep pursuing even though you've already got the girl. Try to impress and raise the bar so she does the same for you back.

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It means you make her feel she can trust you with being herself, how is that a bad thing?

 

It doesn't mean she is not excited about you, on the contrary she must be very excited she met someone she can be honest with and who makes her feel safe about who she is.

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She said comfortable but she meant compatible. She feels like you are a kindred spirit which is rare indeed.

 

It does not mean that she feels like she doesn't have to try with you. It means she feels that the connection is just there & doesn't have to be forced.

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Thingsfallapart

Thank you for all the replies...

 

We are very compatible in all areas of the relationship but I guess she isn’t as clingy as all my ex girlfriends... That sounds crazy I know lol but sometimes I feel like I’m the one doing all the chasing... For example I always text her first or kiss her first...

 

And she is kind of secretive about her phone... an ex was like that and she was cheating... I’ve seen her phone and there is never anything on it but I don’t know... I guess what I’m trying to say is that she is pretty aloof sometimes and I’ve never had to use that word for a girlfriend ever in my life:)

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Thank you for all the replies...

 

We are very compatible in all areas of the relationship but I guess she isn’t as clingy as all my ex girlfriends... That sounds crazy I know lol but sometimes I feel like I’m the one doing all the chasing... For example I always text her first or kiss her first...

 

And she is kind of secretive about her phone... an ex was like that and she was cheating... I’ve seen her phone and there is never anything on it but I don’t know... I guess what I’m trying to say is that she is pretty aloof sometimes and I’ve never had to use that word for a girlfriend ever in my life:)

 

That is a lot of new information.

 

How long you've been dating?

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Thingsfallapart

6 months...

she has said she loves me but her actions don’t really match her words when we are apart...

When we are together it’s pretty intense and really great... but when we are apart or she is with her friends it’s like I’m forgotten about...

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6 months...

she has said she loves me but her actions don’t really match her words when we are apart...

When we are together it’s pretty intense and really great... but when we are apart or she is with her friends it’s like I’m forgotten about...

 

May I ask how old you 2 are and how often do you see each other in a week?

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I’m 32 and she is 24 and we see each other maybe 3 nights a week...

 

What do you mean by 3 nights a week? You don't spend weekends together? you only see each other on weekdays nights?

 

Nowadays many 24 years old have a life revolving around social media and friends. She probably isn't where you are in terms of maturity and life management. When my daughter was 24 a boyfriend wasn't a priority and her life was about her friends.

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You have been dating 6 months. You are 8 years older You say things are intense during the 3 nights per week you are together but you feel like you do all the chasing & she forgets about you when you aren't together.

 

My 1st Q is what do you expect from her when you are apart? My 2nd Q is have you ever told her that? If you expect hourly texts or updates when she's out with friends, that may be unreasonable. If you expect a good night text, speak up.

 

If in 6 months she has never initiated a date or a kiss, ask her why.

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I just read in your last thread dated September 2017 that you are a married man with 2 children. You care to give us details?

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Thingsfallapart

Gaeta,

 

I was hoping to avoid explaining that because I don’t really want to talk about painful things but I was divorced in November...

My divorce is separate to my question and not something I wish to discuss

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Gaeta,

 

I was hoping to avoid explaining that because I don’t really want to talk about painful things but I was divorced in November...

My divorce is separate to my question and not something I wish to discuss

 

I only wanted to confirm if this was an affair or 'real' dating.

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What do you mean by 3 nights a week? You don't spend weekends together? you only see each other on weekdays nights?

 

I am still interested in knowing what 3 nights a week means.

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Versacehottie
6 months...

she has said she loves me but her actions don’t really match her words when we are apart...

When we are together it’s pretty intense and really great... but when we are apart or she is with her friends it’s like I’m forgotten about...

 

See that's what I was trying to get at in my long winded post. It's hard to take a sentence--which seemed undoubtedly good--out of context of the whole relationship and other things that have been said and done. Actions don't match words which is why you are searching for deeper or more reassuring meaning from that comment of hers.

 

I'm not saying to panic but yeah there may be more there. I'd say the first step would be to get things balanced out a bit more where her level toward you is equal to yours toward her.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, when you say you feel that she forgets about you, what do you mean, exactly?

 

She drops of the radar? If so, for how long?

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Aloof meaning she has a life outside the relationship and it doesn't involve you. It is my understanding you feel she isn't 100% in, right? Part time BF?

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Thingsfallapart

Smackie

 

That’s it. 100%.

 

Also I’m an American man and she is a Korean woman and she has only had one boyfriend before who was also Korean...

 

I’ve explained that I feel like things are kind of one way but she always cries and tells me that I’m a priority and she loves me...

 

A good example is last night I wanted to see her but she already had dinner plans with girlfriends, a bit disappointed that I wasn’t a priority but to top it off I didn’t receive any texts, not even a good night text or a good morning text and I didn’t send to her either because why should I always be the one to do it first...

 

I’m seriously thinking about just cutting my losses and finishing it...

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Smackie

 

That’s it. 100%.

 

Also I’m an American man and she is a Korean woman and she has only had one boyfriend before who was also Korean...

 

I’ve explained that I feel like things are kind of one way but she always cries and tells me that I’m a priority and she loves me...

 

A good example is last night I wanted to see her but she already had dinner plans with girlfriends, a bit disappointed that I wasn’t a priority but to top it off I didn’t receive any texts, not even a good night text or a good morning text and I didn’t send to her either because why should I always be the one to do it first...

 

I’m seriously thinking about just cutting my losses and finishing it...

 

If I were you I would, I would hate to have to put in all the effort. It sounds very one sided and that you are doing most if not all the work. That is not how relationships work, it is give and take. She may be too young to see it, but my bf would be the first thing on my mind in the morning and I wouldn't be able to wait to text him. Best of luck.

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heavenonearth

It seems you two just have very different ways of communicating when not together. As well as different expectations of what kind of communication is desired during time apart. My boyfriend and i have the same issue since the beginning of our relationship and i still find it difficult to find a balance.

I know i am the love of his life and yet i feel so silly sometimes when he doesn’t text until 8pm... but well, some people actually have busy lives.

I would not see this as an indicator that she is not as invested as you.

 

And regarding your original post, it is indeed a good thing for a woman to say she feels relaxed and comfortable. This is how i feel around my boyfriend and it’s one of the many reasons why i love him.

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Thingsfallapart

As an update: It’s over. We texted back and forth for a little while, I told her I was hurt that I was never important or a priority and she explained that she couldn’t talk at the moment because she was with a girlfriend. Proving my point. I called her selfish and she said sorry, she loved me too but we had been arguing a lot recently about priorities so maybe it was best this way... I cooled down and wished her luck and said goodbye, she read the texts and didn’t reply so I blocked her... Life is too short to spend on someone who doesn’t appreciate you or puts their own needs above the person they say they love.

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newyorker11356

I don't think she was NOT into you. There was just an incompatibility when it came to texting communication.

 

You said things were awesome and strong in-person. Shouldn't that ultimately matter the most? Plus, she said she felt comfortable and relaxed around you, which only an interested woman says.

 

I definitely would not have broken up with her, but to each his own, I guess.

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