Experience dating someone separated

[SpecialJ]

I hit it off with a guy who, at the end of the date, told me he's 6 months separated from his wife. We are still talking but I'm wary about getting to know him further because of the emotional upheaval anyone must be going through with that kind of timing. Anyone have any experiences or advice to share? Or is it right to assume he's going to be a mess since he just started going on dates again and that I should just step away? He said he wouldn't hold it against me if I decided against a second date based on the bad timing, though he'd like to see me again. I once dated someone a year out from a divorce, and that was not a good experience since he still wasn't ready.

[Gaeta]

You've been there surely you learned a lesson from it?

 

No, I would not date a man that is only 6 months single. I did when I was younger with less experience and it didn't end well. He ended up blocking me after 3 months with no warning. He was done consoling himself with me and he wanted to date others.

[PRW]

Technically you are still dating someone's husband.

 

Him not being ready? Screw that. Think about yourself. Your dating is not a "service to him".

 

You also need to worry about him ping-ponging between you and the Ex or between you and whatever other women his is going to meet. He is going to be hungry,...he probably has not got laid by his wife the last 6 months they were together so he is going to be starving to "catch up". Any nice tushy to come along will suffice. Do you want to be that tushy?

[carhill]

The bullet points:

 

1. Filed for divorce?

2. Live separately?

3. Kids?

4. Relationship goal?

 

My observations...

 

If he filed for divorce, more likely to be done. Generally, women are mostly the parties who file for divorce.

 

If he's living separately and has been for some time, more likely to be a risk similar to that of a single man.

 

If there are children, that can be a complicating factor. No kids, less complicated.

 

If looking for a clear path to marriage and a family, a separated person is likely a substantial risk. If looking for socializing and more short-term relationship goals, less risk. On average, men who divorce tend to remarry quickly. If the man is a high value male, more likely to have multiple contenders for his attention, regardless of marital status.

 

OP, presuming you've had relationships and/or been married, how did it go for you, dating during/after breakups and/or divorce? Did you remain single and celibate for a goodly period of time or jump back in quickly? What were the results of your choices that you could bring to bear on this experience?

[Happy Lemming]

I dated a woman who was separated from her husband.

 

She didn't involve me in the process (which was perfect for me). She did provide updates when she hit a "milestone" in the process. I guess to show me she was serious about obtaining the divorce.

 

Then one day, she announced "I'm officially DIVORCED!!"... We went out and celebrated!!

 

The relationship was completely normal and we dated for about 2 years. Neither the separation, nor the divorce process, nor the ex-husband provided any obstacles or grief in the development of my dating relationship with this woman.

 

It was a non-factor.

[SpecialJ]

I've never been married. They live separately without kids. My one experience with a divorcee wasn't good, but that's just one. My friends who have gotten divorced who are generally good guys did commit quickly to new women after when they found the right people because they knew what they wanted and recognized that it isn't easy to find something special. However, there were still bumps in the early times of that commitment. Immature guys with unresolved issues of their own that contributed to the divorce (including the one I dated) seem to be a hot mess.

 

I don't have answers to all the other questions because it was too much detail to talk about when we don't really know each other yet. If he'd gone on and on about his ex on the first date, that would be a red flag too

[smackie9]

Separated for 6 months....I don't think that is enough time to be involved without risk.

[carhill]

OP, when I was dating while separated, something I inquired about here early in my membership, the ladies I dated asked me how I felt about marriage. At the time my answer was I enjoyed being married though ours didn't work out and hopefully would enjoy being married someday again. I later changed my mind, ceased dating and haven't been involved with women since. I didn't break up with anyone, rather those dating experiences ended of their own accord and I didn't pursue any other women.

 

The answer I received to my question, which was should I include my separated status in my dating profile, was yes I should and most who answered, like here, opined they wouldn't date a separated man. I'd learned long ago from harsh experience that men have no such inhibitions about dating separated women

 

No kids, living separately, transparent? Cool. Not filed for divorce? Hmm.... If he had filed for divorce, or even if his spouse had, that would've been front and center if he was selling you on his availability. At the time I was dating our divorce was in process but wouldn't be final for another year or so as it turned out.

[SpecialJ]

I'm not sure where they are in the process, but I did tell him to be upfront about his status online, etc. Frankly, had I known about it before we went out... we wouldn't have gone out. So that should be my answer right there.

[central]

His ability to date and eventually commit depend on many things. If he initiated the divorce or also wanted it, he will move on faster than if he was blindsided or didn't want it. If he was unhappy for a long time before separating, he could easily be ready to move on.

 

I started dating within weeks of leaving my ex - my choice to leave. I was ready to move on years before I actually left, though. I dated a lot, but soon met someone who is now my wife.

 

Anyway, it matters about the circumstances and his attitude. Sure, there could be some mess if his ex makes the divorce difficult, but that shouldn't affect how good he is as a potential partner.

[d0nnivain]

I did it once. The marriage was over but the divorce wasn't final. It felt like I had to go through all the drama of the negotiations & the rescheduled dates & the uncertainty with him. It sucked. I'd never do it again.

 

 

Then again a male friend of mine actually proposed to his then GF about 5 minutes after he walked out of court from getting his divorce granted. I think he was married to his 1st wife for 5-6 years. He's been married to this one for close to 20.

 

 

It depends on the people involved but as a generalization, I'd avoid men who have only been separated for a relatively short time. In my state for example, the couple can't even file for divorce until they have been separated for at least 18 months. After they file it takes a minimum of 1 year to actually get divorced because the courts are so crowded.

[kendahke]

I hit it off with a guy who, at the end of the date, told me he's 6 months separated from his wife. We are still talking but I'm wary about getting to know him further because of the emotional upheaval anyone must be going through with that kind of timing. Anyone have any experiences or advice to share? Or is it right to assume he's going to be a mess since he just started going on dates again and that I should just step away? He said he wouldn't hold it against me if I decided against a second date based on the bad timing, though he'd like to see me again. I once dated someone a year out from a divorce, and that was not a good experience since he still wasn't ready.

 

Past is prologue--you should seriously consider your past experiences in this.

 

Is this a legal separation? Has he filed paperwork towards dissolving his marriage? What is the status of his divorce?

 

Separated men are legally married. Only divorce or death dissolves a legal marriage, meaning: his wife still has legal say-so in things. Are you cool with dating a married man?

 

IMO, this is messy and you don't know what state of mind his wife is in, you don't know for certain if he's done with his marriage.. just because he's out dating doesn't mean that it's not possible for them to reconcile.

 

Some people get with/under someone new to prove to themselves that they've still got the ability to draw or they're horny, not because they want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire and obligation of a new relationship. Does he want to take on the full load of a committed, exclusive relationship 6 months after leaving his wife?

 

I'd keep him at arm's length until the divorce decree has been executed and still, I wouldn't want to be one of the first women he got with. Too much emotional stuff needs to be sorted through before I'd step up.

[smackie9]

I say date, enjoy his company, but don't invest too much of yourself and make sure he understands that.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

For starters, he should have told you before the date that he's legally married. There's a reason he didn't.

 

Unless he's been living totally disconnected from his wife for at least a couple of years AND a divorce is pending, I wouldn't waste my time because he's probably not emotionally healed yet. Be careful not to let yourself be used as an emotional crutch.

[SpecialJ]

He said he feels awkward about it because he doesn't think being separated defines him, but since he's just starting out with dating again he's feeling out the right way to handle it. As I said earlier, I told him it's not uncommon at our age and is better to just be upfront. I had the same conversation with a couple of my guy friends when they started dating again, too. They were asking me etiquette to get a reasonable single female opinion. My read on it was naivete and inexperience, not manipulation, especially since he did tell me as soon as he realized we clicked.

Edited March 20, 2018 by SpecialJ

[basil67]

I was dating again after I'd been separated for only two months. (no kids) As it so happened, I met my now partner of 25 years during this time.

 

I don't understand all the turmoil which people expect in a recent separation. Sure, it can happen, but it's not a given. I mean, after a couple of weeks getting used to living somewhere new, I felt better than I had in years. I hit the ground running and never looked back.

[dtla1992]

I was dating again after I'd been separated for only two months. (no kids) As it so happened, I met my now partner of 25 years during this time.

 

I don't understand all the turmoil which people expect in a recent separation. Sure, it can happen, but it's not a given. I mean, after a couple of weeks getting used to living somewhere new, I felt better than I had in years. I hit the ground running and never looked back.

 

Totally agree. Everyone is different. Of course in a perfect world you meet someone who is single and never married, but just because someone is separated doesn't mean they are damaged goods or wallowing in depression. The relationship could have been dead for years already so then no recovery time is needed...

[heavenonearth]

My boyfriend was not married but was together with his ex for 15 years and lived with her for 10 years.

We started dating 5 months after their relationship officially ended

 

We are now approaching the 10 month mark and are very happy.

Never saw myself do this but when you know it’s right, you just know. If you have any doubts, listen to that part of you. If you believe he is genuine and you feel butterflies with him, try.

[happyhusband0005]

I guess I would ask, do you like the guy? I guess if you do why not procede with caution and no expectations. Maybe he has had time to process the dissolution of his marriage long before the separation. Maybe he ready. Everyone is different, some people are emotionally ready to move on before a relationship ends. If he seems like a good guy you might have what ifs and regret.

 

I say give it a few dates and get more info before making a decision if you think theres some potential.

[SpecialJ]

Yes, I do like him. It was the best date I'd been on in quite some time. He seems to be a really nice person, so far. I was just going to bail on seeing him again when I realized I'd not have gone on the date if I knew he was separated, but he's been doing some stuff to put himself out there since the date. I'm going to be wary and expect I'm not going to end up going for this, but I'll give him a chance to clarify his situation more first.

 

Someone asked me earlier in this thread how I handle breakups. I'm very self-aware and know when I'm not ready, so I don't rebound. But I'd also tell someone if I went on a good date with them if I wasn't ready because I hate leading people on in any way (sometimes when recovering emotionally, I test the waters just to see if I'm more ready than I think but then will stop dating again for a couple months if not). Takes me a fairly long time to be ready again if I was dumped, but not very long if I left or if it was mutual -- because I put in my best effort to fix things before I walk so by that point it's not salvageable.

Edited March 20, 2018 by SpecialJ

[act00]

I'm just going to say, take it with a grain of salt. By the time separation happens, the relationship died a long time ago, and people are ready (or think they are) to get back out there. Depending on the relationship and division of property, finances, and household items, the actual divorce could be easy and it could be a nightmare.

 

There is a honeymoon phase to freedom and then the reality hits, and if he hasn't worked through those breakup woes yet, this could enter your relationship and cause a split...or the rebound. You just don't know.

 

It's probably better to stay away from someone so recently separated and not divorced yet, and particularly if you don't want to waste any time seeking someone who is not ready for a LTR anytime soon or who you fear will latch on to someone (anyone) because they can't be alone, reconcile (?), wants to play the field. Otherwise, you might find you have some good times on a journey, keeping expectations low.

 

Like you said with your breakups, by the time you break, you, yourself have done everything you can to fix it first, so you've worked through a lot of the breakup turmoil already and know it's over...time to move forward. You don't know if this guy has done the same, but there's a good chance it's truly done, but what you don't know is if he's ready or if he is rebounding or how wicked the actual divorce will be.

[smackie9]

Risks are risks....you will be fine as long as you don't go into this blind, or be blinded by your emotions.

[BluesPower]

Yes, I do like him. It was the best date I'd been on in quite some time. He seems to be a really nice person, so far. I was just going to bail on seeing him again when I realized I'd not have gone on the date if I knew he was separated, but he's been doing some stuff to put himself out there since the date. I'm going to be wary and expect I'm not going to end up going for this, but I'll give him a chance to clarify his situation more first.

 

Someone asked me earlier in this thread how I handle breakups. I'm very self-aware and know when I'm not ready, so I don't rebound. But I'd also tell someone if I went on a good date with them if I wasn't ready because I hate leading people on in any way (sometimes when recovering emotionally, I test the waters just to see if I'm more ready than I think but then will stop dating again for a couple months if not). Takes me a fairly long time to be ready again if I was dumped, but not very long if I left or if it was mutual -- because I put in my best effort to fix things before I walk so by that point it's not salvageable.

 

Here is the thing with this stuff...

 

I have had it both ways. I have allowed myself to rebound from a breakup and had that end in SH**. And I have had some really great relationships after a breakup.

 

I think it is a 50/50 crap shoot. Who knows really?

 

The main thing to figure out is: Is he done with his wife? If he is then it may work out, but if he is not to will not work out.

 

Like you said, (paraphrased) see what happens and take it slow...

[Timshel]

After only one date, first and foremost, verify that he is actually living in a different location from his wife and one or the other has legally filed for divorce.

 

If these can be verified, a second date to feel him out wouldn't hurt.

 

Good luck SpecialJ

[SpecialJ]

They're definitely living separately. If I saw him again, I was going to ask about the divorce paperwork and proceedings. Since he knows I have concerns, I don't think he'd be put off by my asking more questions.

 

But yes, I don't actually know him yet, and I have no idea if he's someone who works through his baggage effectively or drags it with him and rebounds and takes issues out on dates / partners. Read on him so far is no, he's a mature adult, but who knows yet. I'll come back with an update after I see him again.