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Dating an ex’s friend?


JennFoss

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I’ve dated this guy for 7 months and we broke up almost 4.5 months ago. He’s dating someone now and I took that time to recover and work on myself and now I feel ready to date again,

 

Thing is, I’ve a thing for one of his friends. I’ve always thought he was very good looking and my ex always talked about how great he is.

 

I want to give it a try, but I’m not sure if I should or how? I don’t want to hurt my ex’s feelings that’s why I didn’t date at all for over 4 months but now I can’t stop thinking about his friend and I feel like not even giving it a try out of fear is foolish.

 

How do I go about this the right way?

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Hurt your Ex's feeling? Screw that. If you want to go out with the guy go for it. The friend isn't a vegetable, has would have to agree to it as well,...you're not going to date him against his will anyway. But keep in mind that if they are around each other a lot you will have to put up with your Ex being around him when you are.

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How do I go about this the right way?

 

How would you feel about your ex dating one of your best friends after you've found someone else and are dating them?

 

Would you want to have to include your ex in your social plans involving your BFF?

 

Do you want to listen to your BFF talk about how well your ex is treating them/doing things for them? Because that's what BFF's talk about.

 

Take those questions and answers into consideration and proceed accordingly.

 

At the end of the day, you can see whoever you wish to see but seeing that this is your ex's boy, things may not progress the way in which you hope they will, depending upon how strong their friendship bond is.

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How would you feel about your ex dating one of your best friends after you've found someone else and are dating them?

 

Would you want to have to include your ex in your social plans involving your BFF?

 

Do you want to listen to your BFF talk about how well your ex is treating them/doing things for them? Because that's what BFF's talk about.

 

Take those questions and answers into consideration and proceed accordingly.

 

At the end of the day, you can see whoever you wish to see but seeing that this is your ex's boy, things may not progress the way in which you hope they will, depending upon how strong their friendship bond is.

 

I know what you mean, but should I put myself in his shoes when it comes to my own happiness? I have been doing that hence taking a break off of dating... but my point is he’s just an ex do I have to think about his feelings anymore?

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I know what you mean, but should I put myself in his shoes when it comes to my own happiness? I have been doing that hence taking a break off of dating... but my point is he’s just an ex do I have to think about his feelings anymore?

 

No, but you do have to think about the feelings of the guy you're trying to get with and how comfortable he is in hiding you or letting his boy know he's dating/having sex with you or bringing you around your ex because they're in the same social circle--and everyone will know what's up in that circle. Are you comfortable being in a social setting in the company of the woman your ex is now dating?

 

It depends upon how thick your skin is and how strong their friendship bond is. Do they subscribe to the "bros before H's" policy?

Edited by kendahke
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Just me but I wouldn't want anything to do with or any connection with an ex. Never to see them again. You date this guy, your ex is back in your life.

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Trip2TheSky

I honestly think that your ex deserves enough respect out of you to go mingle with people he doesn't know, because dating your ex's friend is kind of a slap in the face to your ex and I don't think it's right.

 

It's your call, but that's just something that I would never do to an ex, friend or anyone that I know and care about, because I don't disregard others feelings.

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Just me but I wouldn't want anything to do with or any connection with an ex. Never to see them again. You date this guy, your ex is back in your life.

 

You’ve a good point there...

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I honestly think that your ex deserves enough respect out of you to go mingle with people he doesn't know, because dating your ex's friend is kind of a slap in the face to your ex and I don't think it's right.

 

It's your call, but that's just something that I would never do to an ex, friend or anyone that I know and care about, because I don't disregard others feelings.

 

Out of respect for my ex isn’t really a good enough reason for me, maybe to you it is but not to me. I mean he’s an ex for a reason so maybe now I don’t have the best opinion of him, but I still did consider his feelings for all these months.

 

I can’t just walk on egg shells for him forever. Is that selfish of me? When you break up, their feelings are no longer your priority obviously. He also seems happy in his new relationship so I thought he would be okay with it.

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Out of respect for my ex isn’t really a good enough reason for me, maybe to you it is but not to me. I mean he’s an ex for a reason so maybe now I don’t have the best opinion of him, but I still did consider his feelings for all these months.

 

I can’t just walk on egg shells for him forever. Is that selfish of me? When you break up, their feelings are no longer your priority obviously. He also seems happy in his new relationship so I thought he would be okay with it.

 

Like I said: you need to consider the feelings of the guy you're getting with.

 

You're making not caring about your ex's feelings too central to your reasoning for dating his boy.

 

Is this your first relationship post break up with your ex?

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Like I said: you need to consider the feelings of the guy you're getting with.

 

You're making not caring about your ex's feelings too central to your reasoning for dating his boy.

 

Is this your first relationship post break up with your ex?

 

I am considering the new guy’s feelings more, that’s why I was telling you my ex’s feelings isn’t in the equation for me, instead of being about the new people in the “potential” relationship.

 

I know guys have a “bro code.” So I’m not even sure if he’d pursue anything with me, he may or he may not... do men tell each other everything like women do?

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How enthusiastic is dude about dating you? What interest is he showing of his own volition? From what you've written, he sounds like he is oblivious to your intentions, so he may have an issue with dating you if he's not actively seeking you out already. He may go along to get some sex, but if he wasn't the one who started approaching you, then I'd say he has no interest in investing his feelings into his boy's ex because his friendship and loyalty to his boy is stronger than his interest in you.

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I am considering the new guy’s feelings more, that’s why I was telling you my ex’s feelings isn’t in the equation for me, instead of being about the new people in the “potential” relationship.

 

This is about you. I'm asking about this guy, not you.

 

I know guys have a “bro code.” So I’m not even sure if he’d pursue anything with me, he may or he may not... do men tell each other everything like women do?

 

It depends--but show up with him in a social situation with their circle and you will see how fast the distancing goes down.

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Like I said: you need to consider the feelings of the guy you're getting with.

 

You're making not caring about your ex's feelings too central to your reasoning for dating his boy.

 

Is this your first relationship post break up with your ex?

 

How enthusiastic is dude about dating you? What interest is he showing of his own volition? From what you've written, he sounds like he is oblivious to your intentions, so he may have an issue with dating you if he's not actively seeking you out already. He may go along to get some sex, but if he wasn't the one who started approaching you, then I'd say he has no interest in investing his feelings into his boy's ex because his friendship and loyalty to his boy is stronger than his interest in you.

 

I knew him before knowing my ex so he was interested in me, it’s just that things took off with my ex fast. Right now, it’s hard to say... I haven’t showed that much interest in him yet because it’s a big thing and I wanted to think about it first, there are subtle hints going on but it’s hard to judge just from that.

 

It’s not like they’re best friends btw, but they do go wall climbing together once a week or so and now with my ex dating I don’t think they meet that often. But like you said, maybe the risk to him isn’t worth his interest in me.

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Have you remained in contact with your EX's friend during these 7 months that you & the EX have been broken up?

 

If not, it doesn't matter how much you are crushing on him from a distance, you can't just pop up & ask him out. Unless he's pursuing you, you have to consider that he will pick his friendship with your EX over dating you.

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Just me but I wouldn't want anything to do with or any connection with an ex. Never to see them again. You date this guy, your ex is back in your life.

 

You’ve a good point there...

 

Yep..........

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I had a **** buddy arrangement with one of my ex's best friends. We both agreed that my ex/her friend could never know about it. It was her idea and it went on 5 months without my ex ever knowing it was happening.

 

That arrangement we had was workable but I am not sure it would have worked if we had dated. It would definitely have caused problems between the two friends even if I was ok with it.

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Thank you everyone. I think I’ll move on even though my feelings are starting to suck the life out of me, but I’ve been imagining the chats they’d be having and it makes me uncomfortable. I fear expressing how I feel then have him not just not match them, but completely reject them in order to maintain his friendship, which I understand...

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Thank you everyone. I think I’ll move on even though my feelings are starting to suck the life out of me, but I’ve been imagining the chats they’d be having and it makes me uncomfortable. I fear expressing how I feel then have him not just not match them, but completely reject them in order to maintain his friendship, which I understand...

 

Jenn, I think this may have more to do with your ex moving on than genuine feelings toward his friend.

I see that you were friends with this guy first but through him, met your ex.

 

If this guy was really special for you, would you have passed him over and dated his friend?

 

I don't think that you are over your ex and are playing mind games to keep yourself in your ex's world.

 

 

Take a breath, walk away.

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Jenn, I think this may have more to do with your ex moving on than genuine feelings toward his friend.

I see that you were friends with this guy first but through him, met your ex.

 

If this guy was really special for you, would you have passed him over and dated his friend?

 

I don't think that you are over your ex and are playing mind games to keep yourself in your ex's world.

 

 

Take a breath, walk away.

 

He is but at that time I really thought my ex was the safer bet, he just seemed like a more serious guy... it’s hard to pin down but I thought he (the new guy) wasn’t ready to settle down.

 

Really what’s making me say screw that and move on is that I don’t want to deal with my ex at all anymore. The more distance we put between us, the better I feel and thinking about getting closer through dating that friend will take that away and maybe the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

 

And again, I’ve no idea how willing he’d even be about dating me, I may just end up looking like an idiot and feel like a 14 year old girl again, and back then I got a lot of rejection.

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He is but at that time I really thought my ex was the safer bet, he just seemed like a more serious guy... it’s hard to pin down but I thought he (the new guy) wasn’t ready to settle down.

 

Really what’s making me say screw that and move on is that I don’t want to deal with my ex at all anymore. The more distance we put between us, the better I feel and thinking about getting closer through dating that friend will take that away and maybe the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

 

And again, I’ve no idea how willing he’d even be about dating me, I may just end up looking like an idiot and feel like a 14 year old girl again, and back then I got a lot of rejection.

 

The bolded is the important stuff, really. You got this.

 

You aren't 14. Handling rejection gracefully is the stuff of being a woman. It didn't work for all the right reasons. You don't want to be saddled with someone plodding along for the rest of your life.

 

If it isn't right for him, then it is equally not right for you. There isn't any other way.

People who are good for each other, stay with each other, without drama. It is that simple and it isn't hard, when it fits, it fits...no pounding involved. :)

 

 

Keep your chin up, Jenn. Keep yourself a class act and don't do less to get less. There is a person for you. Be patient.

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