mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Girls, could you look past a guy who has issues with body language and keeping a conversation flowing or is it a deal breaker for you? For me personally, I have trouble with my body language (i. e. looking fidgety, trouble with eye contact, etc.). A lot of times, it'll happen when I'm trying to contemplate what to say or how to say something on my mind. So, it looks like I'm daydreaming and I kinda have a weird, choppy flow to how I speak. I've been going to therapy for my high functioning autism to mitigate some of these things. It's helped, but I feel like these issues will never completely go away. But, I never understood how all this plays into chemistry and creating attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 How do you do with friends? If you can make small talk with friends, that part of dating is little problem. One thing to consciously work on, as appropriate, is making eye contact with your dates when listening or speaking. Not staring, rather gazing off and on. Don't talk to her chest 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Agonistes Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 How do you do with friends? If you can make small talk with friends, that part of dating is little problem. One thing to consciously work on, as appropriate, is making eye contact with your dates when listening or speaking. Not staring, rather gazing off and on. Don't talk to her chest And if you do talk to her chest, give them equal attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 How do you do with friends? If you can make small talk with friends, that part of dating is little problem. One thing to consciously work on, as appropriate, is making eye contact with your dates when listening or speaking. Not staring, rather gazing off and on. Don't talk to her chest With friends, usually I'm the one in the background who observes, listens and doesn't do much talking. I'll chime in when I can or feel like I have something to say. Yeah, with eye contact I've been getting better at switching between looking at the eyes and something near her eyes, like her nose or something near her face. I usually don't stare at the chest too much cause I'm more of a backside man anyways. But, sometimes I will catch a gaze if they just have a nice shape and look to them. But, that's more a Asperger trait where I'm fascinated by things with a nice geometry and aesthetics to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 You can't be sure that your body language is not conveying your anxiety. I suspect people read that you are uncomfortable more then you think. If you can learn to control your breathing & perhaps practice some mindfulness you may better be able to master the way you come across. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Good, you have friends, make use of them. Being an observer is safe, BTDT. Get more involved, not necessarily in a big way in a group, but start small, one-on-one, with friends whom you share similar interests, philosophies, etc. Get used to the back and forth and feeling passionate about something and being accepted and valued for it. This is attractive to women if you are otherwise attractive to them. Focus on your male friends. Get some solid, close, friendship experience and interaction down, then branch out with the group, meeting women at social occasions. IMO, real world is where you'll make the most progress. Immersion. Yeah it's tough at times, even scary, but it'll work out. I did the tough love method, pubic speaking and campaigning for office -type stuff. Scarier than heck but learned a lot about that gladhand small talk social interaction stuff and, no surprise, success with women improved. The women were always there. It was me who changed and evidently they liked that change. So did I. IDK how old you are but if you're beyond high school, accept that you'll always be catching up a bit to the people who've had this down since puberty. That's OK. You'll find your way. The benefit is in a fuller and more satisfying life for you. The women part is just icing. Icing is sweet but watch those calories! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 You can't be sure that your body language is not conveying your anxiety. I suspect people read that you are uncomfortable more then you think. If you can learn to control your breathing & perhaps practice some mindfulness you may better be able to master the way you come across. What do you mean by mindfulness? So, you're saying that I can make people feel uncomfortable if they feel like I am uncomfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 What do you mean by mindfulness? So, you're saying that I can make people feel uncomfortable if they feel like I am uncomfortable? She's talking about focusing..being mindful of what you are doing. Those fidget spinners are helpful to keep you focused, helps tone down the anxiety, you should try one of those. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Good, you have friends, make use of them. Being an observer is safe, BTDT. Get more involved, not necessarily in a big way in a group, but start small, one-on-one, with friends whom you share similar interests, philosophies, etc. Get used to the back and forth and feeling passionate about something and being accepted and valued for it. This is attractive to women if you are otherwise attractive to them. Focus on your male friends. Get some solid, close, friendship experience and interaction down, then branch out with the group, meeting women at social occasions. IMO, real world is where you'll make the most progress. Immersion. Yeah it's tough at times, even scary, but it'll work out. I did the tough love method, pubic speaking and campaigning for office -type stuff. Scarier than heck but learned a lot about that gladhand small talk social interaction stuff and, no surprise, success with women improved. The women were always there. It was me who changed and evidently they liked that change. So did I. IDK how old you are but if you're beyond high school, accept that you'll always be catching up a bit to the people who've had this down since puberty. That's OK. You'll find your way. The benefit is in a fuller and more satisfying life for you. The women part is just icing. Icing is sweet but watch those calories! Yeah I feel more comfortable in smaller circles. But, after awhile I find I get drained from all the back and forth after awhile no matter how comfortable I feel with the conversation. I guess that's always been my biggest mental block is mentally being open to immersion and opening up my world to other people. My mental disposition is naturally inclined to keep to myself in my own little world and I was just never proactive of putting myself out there. I guess I reasoned that I'm so comfortable being in my own little world, I never understood intrinsically how my life would become more fuller and fulfilling if I opened up to the world around me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 She's talking about focusing..being mindful of what you are doing. Those fidget spinners are helpful to keep you focused, helps tone down the anxiety, you should try one of those. So, could I take a fidget spinner on a date then? lol...Well focusing is good unless I start focusing on am I doing/saying anything wrong, which leads to me freaking out and thus added anxiety. I take medication (vyvanse) to help me focus in school with listening more intently during lectures and sitting down for longer periods of time without the urge to get up. I still haven't developed a mental routine to keep myself relaxed during like a dating situation or something like that. I don't want to pop pills just for that lol Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 And if you do talk to her chest, give them equal attention. This one made me LOL... OP, I will be honest with you and state I don't have the time or the energy to spelunk around someone's personality disorders and having a conversation. This is what happens when I talk to my dad and my aunt who have zero social skills and ability to carry a conversation over the phone and in person. It takes a LOT of work just to spend time with them and talk, and while I'm willing to do the time for my dad, I'm not going to put in that effort for some dude on a date or consider this long-term. If I have to carry the conversation and fish and dig for conversation and force any level of intimacy and rapport on a date, I'm pretty much done. If conversation and rapport is forced and not easy, I'm done. It's exhausting and confusing. High functioning autism=personality quirks that are hard to maneuver. I'm glad you're seeking guidance on maneuvering around personalities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mohhoss213 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 This one made me LOL... OP, I will be honest with you and state I don't have the time or the energy to spelunk around someone's personality disorders and having a conversation. This is what happens when I talk to my dad and my aunt who have zero social skills and ability to carry a conversation over the phone and in person. It takes a LOT of work just to spend time with them and talk, and while I'm willing to do the time for my dad, I'm not going to put in that effort for some dude on a date or consider this long-term. If I have to carry the conversation and fish and dig for conversation and force any level of intimacy and rapport on a date, I'm pretty much done. If conversation and rapport is forced and not easy, I'm done. It's exhausting and confusing. High functioning autism=personality quirks that are hard to maneuver. I'm glad you're seeking guidance on maneuvering around personalities. That's what I thought would be the case is that someone would feel exhausted and annoyed if they had to deal with how my conversation flows. Well actually I think I kinda made this girl I was talking to feel a level of disconnect because she feels a lot she has to carry the conversation and spell things out to me cause I think in hypotheticals a lot. But, what if it was a good dude you were talking to and maybe on a deep level you guys had something? It's just the guy isn't always good with the back and forth and keeping a conversation going? Is that something that can't be overlooked? I guess I never understood why someone would feel drained and exhausted when that wasn't my intention? I just take longer to get the ball rolling and make sense of the thoughts in my head and how to put them into words. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 But, what if it was a good dude you were talking to and maybe on a deep level you guys had something? It's just the guy isn't always good with the back and forth and keeping a conversation going? Is that something that can't be overlooked? I guess I never understood why someone would feel drained and exhausted when that wasn't my intention? I just take longer to get the ball rolling and make sense of the thoughts in my head and how to put them into words. This is where getting to know someone fairly well online could benefit you. You have time to formulate your responses without feeling that immediate pressure, and the person could get to know the you who is not encumbered by the stress of communication. You can even share this about yourself once you've been exchanging messages for a bit so that the girl is not surprised when you meet. It would take the pressure off. I think someone would be more willing to overlook this or at least be patient with it if they already got to know you and like you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 What do you mean by mindfulness? So, you're saying that I can make people feel uncomfortable if they feel like I am uncomfortable? Mindfulness is a philosophy. Look it up. It's about being aware of yourself & your surroundings. It's the feeling of sun on your face or the way your clothes feel against your skin; it's the scents you smell & the sounds you hear around you. It's about being present in the moment & not letting your mind race in a million directions. Look up the cartoon about the person & the dog captioned mindful or mind full. It's enlightening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 it takes real effort for me to stay in the moment...i really have to concentrate on something or someone and what they are saying.....what helps is if i take part of what they say and repeat it...not only does it help me but they feel good because they know i am listening especially my family....who know me well and that sometimes ill drift off....they say mum you arent listening.....and ill repeat word for word what they have said ..... my suggestion is become a good listener before you become a good talker and it takes practice...people who talk really well often dont listen....develop that characteristic in you..watch how other people interest around you ...there's nothing wrong with silence for a while...as a woman i appreciate more a man who can listen and be patient with me than a man who can talk smoothly.... the very best of men for me personally the ones who listen first...who take time and thought to listen to me and are patient ...because that's what i try to do for them and as donnivain suggested try mindfulness....be in the moment focus.......i am a drifter...i have been called some pretty bad names because of my propensity to drift off......im normally creating poetry and get sidetracked or im listening to the voices(or thoughts who knows) in my head.......and some people are impatient ....they arent the ones for me to talk too.....and often think i am retarded and a spastic..... be around compassionate people men and woman who give you the leg room to just be you...people who give you time to relax....you can be as mindful as you want .....it really depends on who is listening to you.....develop listening skills around good hearted people...listen to them ....observe how they interact and you wont go wrong my friend.because when you do talk you can be sure its good hearted people who will give you the time you need to feel comfortable and open.... i listen and i ask questions and then i listen again.....and people feel special .lol its probably why i drift off so much...i have so many life journey's in my head...people open up to me because i have listening skills.......it isnt hard to listen and the best speakers....listen more than they speak.....and before they do speak they think deep thoughts and share them with you...........good luck....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Agonistes Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 My son went to a prom with a high functioning girl. Her parents had called me to ask if I thought he would be willing to go with her. He said he would. Was his 3rd prom that year. I paid for everything he had to buy and they had a really good time. Near the end of the date he asked her is she wanted to kiss. No way to tell by body language so this is one time I approve of asking a woman if you can kiss her. She said she wanted to but it made her feel too nervous so he accepted that and dropped her off at her parents house. She wants to marry him someday and has since they were 10 years old. Who knows? Maybe it will happen after he has spread his wild oats. Link to post Share on other sites
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