How do you respond?

[LB2016]

So you discover a guy you casually dated months ago came back around and gave you a line of sh**, making it seem like he wants to be with you, only to fall off the face of the earth once again just after a few weeks of being in contact! Yes, I trusted too quickly- I know. Whether he intentionally means to or not (I do think he's incredibly confused and has baggage) he IS in fact, playing with my heart.

 

How would you respond when the time comes that he reaches out and texts again (because I'm sure at some point he will). Would you...

 

A) completely ignore his text and blow him off (although something within just doesn't feel RIGHT or mature about handling it that way...part of me wants to speak my mind too) but perhaps it's not even worth any response

 

B) speak your mind telling him he's hurt and mislead you once again and you have no choice but to now cut all ties with him so you can move on

 

C) play it cool, without any dramatic response, and act as if you can care less so you don't give him any more POWER over you than he already thinks he has over you

 

I'm trying to decide on the best way for ME and the one that's going to make me feel at peace.

[smackie9]

Completely ignore his texts. The lack of response will send a clear message that what he did was unacceptable, and you are not going to even give him an ounce of your time. Silence is the best way to show you have self worth.

 

IMO you should have block/deleted his number the day he disappeared.

Edited March 18, 2018 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would avoid all the drama and just tell him that I've moved on and I'm no longer interested. Clear, direct, and drama-free.

[LB2016]

So here's the thing....

 

When he didn't reach out for a few days about 2 weeks ago, I decided to IGNORE his text when he finally did text me. I didn't answer for a whole week until I felt WRONG for handling it that way and decided to text him, apologizing for ignoring it, saying that I did it because I can't have him disrespecting me anymore. I then said I see we're looking for 2 different things and that's ok...and then wished him well. Then he texts me the next week acting like I never said what I said. Me liking him as much as I do, just went with it. I know- my fault.

 

As for telling him flat out like you said, Bailey- I've done that too in the past! I went back on my word though!

 

So in a nutshell, I'm sure this guy thinks everything I say is basically bullsh**. It's my OWN fault- I know. I know I need the strength to STICK with that I say! I guess that's why I'm contemplating option "C" because I don't have faith in myself and don't want to make myself look like MORE of an a** down the road

[PRW]

A) completely ignore his text and blow him off (although something within just doesn't feel RIGHT or mature about handling it that way...part of me wants to speak my mind too) but perhaps it's not even worth any response

 

B) speak your mind telling him he's hurt and mislead you once again and you have no choice but to now cut all ties with him so you can move on

 

C) play it cool, without any dramatic response, and act as if you can care less so you don't give him any more POWER over you than he already thinks he has over you

 

I'm trying to decide on the best way for ME and the one that's going to make me feel at peace.

 

I am assuming that you are not interested in seeing him at all. So in that case:

 

D) Tell him you aren't interested in getting together. Simple, clean, done.

 

If he doesn't take that as an answer then do "A)"

 

Things are only as complicated as we allow them to become.

[Happy Lemming]

How about you take the high road...

 

Be polite with just a simple "No, thank you" and leave it at that.

[act00]

OMG, I'm LOLing (for real) as I just got a text a couple days ago from the "blowoff boyfriend"...stupid...He blew me off last November, contacted me a couple months later with no apology, and I entertained going out again, to which I got blown off again. I broke it off officially, but in the past few weeks he's contacting me again.

 

Ignore.

 

Do you really want to pursue anything? I mean, do you think there's a chance this might turn into something...probably not...but if you think there's a chance; if you think you'll look back on a "what if," then respond...it will probably go nowhere, but you don't want to wonder if this could have turned into something more, but you were too stubborn to try. You have to be in that mindset...you like him, it will go nowhere...one last chance. You respond only for your own peace of mind and maybe it takes off, maybe it doesn't. This is for you, not him. You put up high fences on round two.

 

You are way better than settling and for second best. U-pick.

 

If you decide to try...there are no excuses and there is no wiggle room. One cancelled date...done...no more chances.

 

The better route would be to ignore. The second round rarely works better than the first.

[smackie9]

See what happens when you respond? When you respond, apologize, etc...that says to him you are still paying attention to his messages, and to him that's a green light. The fact you haven't deleted his number speaks volumes to him you still like him and truly haven't moved on.

 

Ingnore ignore ignore. Block/delete.

Edited March 18, 2018 by smackie9

[LoverOfDance]

You can go along with it and you might eventually end up together but I can promise you that this man will never stop hurting you and driving you nuts.

 

You've given him more than one chance to redeem himself. You should not give him anymore chances if you like your peace of mind.

 

I encountered a man like this a few months ago. This is not unique at all and men do this all the time (not all of course). Run or stay, it's really up to you. I'd run though.

[Agonistes]

Every time I wonder if I should respond and I do respond I end up regretting it later.

 

Every. Last. Time.

[aussietigerwolf]

I would maybe give a guy a second chance depending on how it ended the first time but... No more than that.

[stillafool]

You should have blocked and deleted his number. He will do it again because you accepted it the first time.

[TheFinalWord]

See what happens when you respond? When you respond, apologize, etc...that says to him you are still paying attention to his messages, and to him that's a green light. The fact you haven't deleted his number speaks volumes to him you still like him and truly haven't moved on.

 

Ingnore ignore ignore. Block/delete.

 

Great advice above. I've noticed this in general with narcissistic people. They fish for any type of response as they know it triggers a cascade of emotions.

 

OP,

 

When someone knows they can walk all over you, they know that they can continue to manipulate you with little effort. OP, to truly heal you must go no contact. If you feel like writing him, you can post it here and the LS community will snap you back out of it! I am sorry you are being treated like this. I know most of us have experienced this at one time or another. Be well.

[LB2016]

I know...you’re all right!

 

My problem is always justifying. I think “maybe he doesn’t mean to and he’s not intentionally trying to play games. He’s just confused!” Is that me just sounding pathetic?

 

How do I know if he’s just a mental mess or a narcissist just playing games?!

[FilterCoffee]

This is when you’re supposed to use the block feature on your phone. Out of sight, out of mind.

[TheFinalWord]

How do I know if he’s just a mental mess or a narcissist just playing games?!

 

The way you know is he never considers your feelings or how his actions are impacting you. That's not love. He knows what he is doing. He also knows that you are emotionally attached and that he can get to you. If you spill out your emotions telling him how he's hurt you, all you are doing is arming him and letting him know that you're still susceptible to his game playing. It will have zero impact on getting him to change his behavior. It's not like he's going to go "oh, you're so right! I've seen the light. From now on I am going to treat you with respect and not mislead you anymore!"

 

Going no contact is not about him. It's not about an ulterior motive to get him to change his mind. It's about you healing and moving on and re-taking control of your heart. If you have broken up with someone, how could you heal if you leave all their pictures up and stuff in your house? To the contrary, once it's over you take all of those items, and throw them out (or burn them lol). That's what no contact is, but from a communications perspective. It's throwing out all the triggers that remind you of him and not allowing him to emotionally manipulate you.

Edited March 19, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[LB2016]

Finalword- thank you for your reply!

 

I know that no contact is best and works Bc that’s what I was doing BEFORE he came back around. I was doing so good! I actually felt like I was finished and moving on. I had come to peace with the fact that it’ll never be what I want it to be, and that he’s neither willing or capable of giving me that either. Then he comes back around and just stirs it all up for me again. Whatever his reason for disappaearing this time doesn’t matter. I’m still left to deal with the emotions.

 

Here’s a question- do you tell the person that you’re cutting contact? The last time I did with him, it just kind of worked its way into being they on my behalf. It had been a few weeks and I just continued it. He’d send me random messages (wishing me Merry Christmas and HNY) and I barely responded- just wished him the same back and that was it.

 

Now it’s been a week since I’ve heard from him at all. I swear that I have NO intention of reaching out to him. I’m done w that sh**. If he texts me- do I really ignore? Again- I want to take the high road here! Lol

[1fish2fish]

Yes, you really ignore.

 

Any acknowledgement from you tells him that you're still there, you don't hate him, and it tells him that how he's treated you is ok and that absolves him of any guilt behind ghosting you.

 

Better yet, delete and block his number so that you won't be tempted to respond.

 

This is about your healing and taking back some self respect.

[vickyp]

Block block block

Edited March 19, 2018 by vickyp

[smackie9]

For the love of got block/delete his number!

[stillafool]

Finalword- thank you for your reply!

 

I know that no contact is best and works Bc that’s what I was doing BEFORE he came back around. I was doing so good! I actually felt like I was finished and moving on. I had come to peace with the fact that it’ll never be what I want it to be, and that he’s neither willing or capable of giving me that either. Then he comes back around and just stirs it all up for me again. Whatever his reason for disappaearing this time doesn’t matter. I’m still left to deal with the emotions.

 

Here’s a question- do you tell the person that you’re cutting contact? The last time I did with him, it just kind of worked its way into being they on my behalf. It had been a few weeks and I just continued it. He’d send me random messages (wishing me Merry Christmas and HNY) and I barely responded- just wished him the same back and that was it.

 

Now it’s been a week since I’ve heard from him at all. I swear that I have NO intention of reaching out to him. I’m done w that sh**. If he texts me- do I really ignore? Again- I want to take the high road here! Lol

 

NO! You don't tell them you're going NC you do it and Block. We keep telling you this but you don't listen. You have to be strong and Block him.

[Agonistes]

 

My problem is always justifying. I think “maybe he doesn’t mean to and he’s not intentionally trying to play games. He’s just confused!” Is that me just sounding pathetic?

 

I wonder how come his intent matters to you. It doesn't change the result that you are hurting. Are you going to allow him to continue hurting you?

 

Sometimes it's useful to have the mindset that intent equals results. If he's hurting you then at some level that must be his intent whether it is conscious or subconscious.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know...you’re all right!

 

My problem is always justifying. I think “maybe he doesn’t mean to and he’s not intentionally trying to play games. He’s just confused!” Is that me just sounding pathetic?

 

How do I know if he’s just a mental mess or a narcissist just playing games?!

 

It's not important why he does. What's important is that he doesn't not do it.

 

The end result is the same for you either way. He's still a flake who doesn't give a crap about you.

[todreaminblue]

there's always two sides to a story and i dont know with you the two sides i can only go by my personal experiences.....

 

there's only one way i find peace and its forgiving...... the person who hurt me......otherwise i hold onto the .....pain that hurts and all it does is make me feel worse.....i have family members who know how to get to me is they stop talking to me....ignore my calls etc...its like they punish me ..i just keep trying.....and when i do eventually get them on the phone i dont bring up the fight...i simply ask how they are.....i tell them how i am doing and i try to add humor.....one particular family member said to me its like nothing ever happened which i replied well its over ......im sorry if i upset you we dont have to talk about it lets just forget it because i dont want to fight or argue or lay blame ...i miss you.....and they tell me they have missed me too....adn there it is ...back on track ....

 

 

it takes two to fight...one to start and one to continue in my mind it doesnt matter who started it who did what or said what all that matters is that it needs to end....and i end it..i do not continue ........and this way.....i dont lose the people i love over misunderstandings and arguments that never should have happened...

 

now this person isnt family or particularly someone you love...but he has feelings too ...if you dont want to talk to him anymore give him closure...but if you are just nursing hurt feelings maybe its not worth holding on to that hurt and giving the guy one last chance to prove he will be stable and not do the same thing again and disappear off the face of the earth....we all make mistakes.....

 

 

if you think its weak to forgive and give chances...it isnt weak ..it takes a lot of strength to put hurt aside.....and in my own life.....i have been hurt pretty badly by more than a couple of people.....but holding onto that hurt will never bring me peace...only forgiveness does...and really its one way i keep getting back up and trying again...because i know forgiveness works ...not ignorance....

 

 

.however horrible the circumstances are ...holding onto horrible will not make you feel better in your heart...maybe your ego might feel better.....and justified..i would rather have a just and peaceful heart than a satisfied ego...

 

 

doesn't mean you have to have sex with the guy to forgive him just means that you forgive him and you bring the whole thing to closure with kindness and forgiveness..... or you give the guy a second chance the same way.....sounds like the guy was broken before you met him and had issues so be compassionate in whatever you do decide to do..and you will leave him better than when you were with him.....i wish you well.......deb..........

Edited March 19, 2018 by todreaminblue

[TheFinalWord]

Here’s a question- do you tell the person that you’re cutting contact?

 

Good question.

 

No, you do not need to tell him.

 

If you tell him, it shows you are using NC as a way to get him to change his behavior. NC is not about changing the other person. It is beyond that at the point of NC. He has had many chances to change, and has proven that is not going to happen. It is now about your healing.