Should I walk away?

[CherryBlossom1980]

Should I walk away?

 

Hi everyone,

 

I’ll try to explain quickly a bit about myself, I’m 42 and have a little girl who is 3. My daughters father abandoned me during pregnancy so I decided to go it alone and bring her up on my own with the help of my wonderful family. We have a very happy, settled life and I decided after focusing pretty much 2 years of my life to raising my daughter that it was time to start dating again.

 

I’ve had counselling to talk about what happened to me, and I know when I meet someone I have to take it slowly.

 

I met someone in November, he is French and about to turn 39. He lives in France and was over here to do a course for 3 months. Initially I was very skeptical about meeting the guy due to him not living in the UK but he had a lot of attributes I like in a man (loves the outdoors, sporty etc) so I thought I’d meet him. Things slowly developed between us, we had small blips where I became worried mainly because of my past, but he has always been supportive and reassured me.

 

We have contact almost every day, in the past two months. He has visited the UK for a long weekend and I’ve just got back from France for a long weekend.

 

He told me he loved me which was unexpected and felt lovely.

 

But I do have some concerns regarding the relationship. Whenever we discuss anything important such as him being introduced to my daughter he pulls away and disappears for a couple of days. When he comes back to me we talk about it and almost become stronger as a couple. I always allow him the space to sort his head out. But I think it’s concerning to me how he deals with difficult issues. In a healthy relationship people should be able to communicate easily.

 

On our 4th date he asked me over dinner if I would have a second child. It totally caught me off guard. I said potentially I would if the relationship felt right. But I was thinking inside I’m not sure how this would work with my age, but I didn’t voice my concerns at the time as I felt it was too soon in the relationship to discuss this in depth.

 

Now we have spent more time together I decided to bring my my concerns on my last night with him in France so we could speak face to face. I said to him that if he wanted a child of his own then perhaps I may not be the right person for him to be with. I’m 42 and I may or may not be able to have a child. I felt it’s important we discuss it early on without investing more time together and finding out 6 months down the line when we’re more emotionally attached that we are not on the same page. Basically I want him to decide if having a child of his own is really important for him, or is just me and my daughter enough for him. For me it’s too risky starting to involve him in my family and we have no future together.

 

Instead of reassuring me he said he would need time to think about everything. Which I respected. However the next day I travelled home it felt very awkward between us. Initially at his flat he was still very touchy feely with me. But When we said goodbye at the airport it almost felt like friends saying goodbye. No more I loves you, or I can’t wait to see you again. It was awful!

 

I sent him a message to thank him for his hospitality and wish him a nice day, he replied back saying a similar thing and wishing me a lovely weekend. And that’s it, I’ve not heard from him since - that was yesterday lunchtime. We normally communicate a lot throughout the day.

 

So he is pulling away yet again, I know he said he needs to think about things. But the way he handles important issues just baffles me and pushes me away.

 

He’s gone from saying he loves me to not even caring if I got home in the snow safely and I’m pretty upset about it to the point where I feel that I want to walk away.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you're seeing that he doesn't want what you want.

 

How has him pulling away from you made the relationship stronger? I don't see that; I see a man who doesn't want the commitment of a family-type life and withdraws as a means of sending you the message that he doesn't even want to go there. That to me is not strength; it's sweeping an important issue under the rug and avoiding the reality of the situation.

 

Good for you for laying it on the table for him. He knows where you stand now. For what it's worth, I wouldn't hold your breath here. There is a lot working against this relationship and he doesn't appear to be ready for what you are seeking.

[CherryBlossom1980]

Thanks Expat, that’s how I’m thinking too and feel it’s a bit of a red flag. You don’t behave like that with someone you supposedly love.

 

He is a typical bachelor, quite wealthy been on his own for about 3 years and I think he is set in his ways. I think he has pressure from family to settle down maybe and he feels it’s the right thing to do. But I think when the reality happens he tends to run. He liked me because I’m busy, independent and in many ways don’t need a man really. But despite my independence I would still like to meet someone I can share my life with, and sadly I don’t think it’s him!

 

My main concern was have I pushed him away because I mentioned it too soon in the relationship, but I feel it’s an important discussion to have sooner rather than later?

[act00]

It's not unusual for guys to shut down and not be vocal about their issues, and you're recognizing a pattern here. It's how he manages his emotions. You also don't have the benefit of being together, so that even if he's quiet (which would drive you mad, I'm sure), you have the benefit of touch, hugs as reassurance. You would still be worried, though. I think the important thing is he comes around and discusses it. He doesn't keep it bottled away until you nag it out of him or get mad at him and he explodes. You're doing well in giving him that space and trying to allow him the time he needs to digest things.

 

I married someone like this, but the thing is, he never brought up the "thing" that was bothering him. Instead he sulked and ignored me, grumpy face, body language, and I would get all wrapped up in, "What's wrong, honey?" and constantly asking him what's bothering him. He would ignore me and there was no affection, so it was really hard for me. He wouldn't bring it up, and some issues needed to be brought up immediately, like within hours. Eventually I would blow up, yelling, what the hell is wrong with you, and out it would flow, mean, vicious. Some things I couldn't even remember the issue he was mad about. But what he did was stew for days and create his personal reality, thus I was a liar, etc. Very unhealthy. The guy avoided conflict like the plague.

 

The silence would make me crazy, and some of it is just a trigger of my past relationship, but I think as long as he comes back around to discuss it, it's just his way of working through personal turmoil. You may be able to get him to be a little less distant in the future, but have an understanding that this is how he is. As long as he brings it up or you can bring it up and have a rational discussion, I think it's okay...he could stand to work on not pulling the silent treatment, though. That's a bit on the cruel side...so you be patient, he works on not being distant, just so you have the reassurance he still cares about you and loves you.

 

It's good to be up front about children. At 42, I was done, even to the point that I didn't want to date someone with young children, as mine were self-sufficient early teens. I was clear that there would be no more babies. Dating a childless man always brought up this concern and better to know sooner over later. I don't think you need to walk away just yet, but be prepared that you might have to if he wants children and you decide you don't or he might decide to end it now. You need to think long and hard if you really want to have more children, because by the time you get married, you could be 43 or 44 or 45.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks Expat, that’s how I’m thinking too and feel it’s a bit of a red flag. You don’t behave like that with someone you supposedly love.

 

He is a typical bachelor, quite wealthy been on his own for about 3 years and I think he is set in his ways. I think he has pressure from family to settle down maybe and he feels it’s the right thing to do. But I think when the reality happens he tends to run. He liked me because I’m busy, independent and in many ways don’t need a man really. But despite my independence I would still like to meet someone I can share my life with, and sadly I don’t think it’s him!

 

My main concern was have I pushed him away because I mentioned it too soon in the relationship, but I feel it’s an important discussion to have sooner rather than later?

 

I think that depends on what exactly was said.

 

Were you already asking him to meet your daughter, rather than speculating about it as a possible event if things continued to progress? If so, then yes, I feel it was too soon for that.

 

On the other hand, it's not as though he could have been surprised by the expectation that someday it would happen. He knows you're a mother. He chose to get involved with you. Unless he was hoping to keep this entirely casual, then I am sure he realized that you two would someday integrate your lives in this way and involve your daughter. Perhaps the reality of this prospect is hitting him now, and making him reflect on whether or not he can give you that type of involvement and commitment.

[CherryBlossom1980]

I mentioned to him a couple of weeks ago that it would be nice if he met my daughter on his next visit to the UK in April. More as just a visit to the park, she is only 3 and would only see him as mummy’s friend. He said he was happy to meet my DD, but the same thing happened again. He disappeared for a day or so. I said if it’s too early that’s fine we can leave it until we feel we are both ready. I said I’ve never dated with a child before and he said we can negotiate this together! He was very positive about it and said he definitely wanted to meet her.

 

The difference to a ‘normal’ relationship is we see each other only once a month for an intense amount of time, so it’s not easy.

[ExpatInItaly]

I mentioned to him a couple of weeks ago that it would be nice if he met my daughter on his next visit to the UK in April. More as just a visit to the park, she is only 3 and would only see him as mummy’s friend. He said he was happy to meet my DD, but the same thing happened again. He disappeared for a day or so. I said if it’s too early that’s fine we can leave it until we feel we are both ready. I said I’ve never dated with a child before and he said we can negotiate this together! He was very positive about it and said he definitely wanted to meet her.

 

The difference to a ‘normal’ relationship is we see each other only once a month for an intense amount of time, so it’s not easy.

 

I think you have your answer.

 

A man who is ready for that sort of relationship doesn't disappear each time the topic is raised. He keeps communication open so you two can continue to foster the connection needed for a solid relationship, one that you would feel comfortable introducing your daughter to.

 

He knows the future of this relationship would entail some big changes to his lifestyle. If you two were to solidify it, it would inevitably one day involve one of you moving countries and him playing a role in your little one's life. It's a lot to take on (for both of you) and he's rethinking if that's what he truly wants. This is the point at which a lot of couples decide to stay together or part ways.

[CherryBlossom1980]

Expat I agree. I did say that ultimately me spending time with someone would end in them meeting my DD and if he didn’t feel ready for it then we should walk away. He then said he didn’t want that and that he wanted to meet my DD, that he is old enough to deal with it. And then shortly after that he told me he loved me. But to me it’s his actions which speak louder than his words.

 

Do you think I should maybe end it now with him? I see his response a bit pointless in a way to the child issue.

[Chilli]

Why. Give it some time if you love him.

It's only been a day or two for God sakes.

lt doesn't even matter if he meets your daughter yet, it's too soon , she'll get very attached in no time at all and if you split she's gonna be a mess so the longer that takes the better. And if it doesn't work out and there's another 20guys after this one as there is with a lot of single mothers the poor things gonna go through that every time.

 

But he came back to you about it and he was fine, he'll probably do the same on this last thing too if you give him time.

 

Not everyone is wham bamb, some people take time to consider things , women or guys, everyone communicates different .

 

Give him time and see what he comes back with. If it's no good then then you know properly.

[BaileyB]

I think it's way to soon in any relationship to be introducing a man to your daughter. Sorry. I would only do that when I am sure that the guy is going to be forever... And you don't know that yet.

 

You are very wise to realize that the chance that you will become pregnant again is unlikely, because it is true. I think you are learning that you want different things in life.

 

Let's be honest, you haven't lived with this man, you don't really know him yet. You don't know how he handles stress or deals with conflict... although you have some idea - he withdraws. That would be very concerning to me.

[act00]

The OP is only talking about a meet at the park. The child is 3 years old. Mommy probably talks to other men, the other kids' daddies, regularly, so I doubt this meeting is going to be any type of "thing" for the child. Her only concern will be if someone pushes her on the swing. I'm guessing for the rest of the weekend, the OP will be making arrangements for babysitting. They started this off in November, and due to distance, the circumstances aren't ideal, but April is 5 months of relationship.

 

The boyfriend -- not a mystery for him that he was getting involved with a mother, and he has to know and understand that they are a package deal. Maybe he sort of exists in the delusion the two will remain separate, even though he understands reality will unfold, and he will be raising this child. This meeting is a big step, and probably more for him than the OP because she knows her daughter and knows that this meeting will barely hit the child's radar, but for him, he's meeting his potential stepdaughter...and she's dating for two (husband and father). There's a big does of reality!

 

I don't know that a casual hour or two at the park with the child is too much too soon, but it is plopping reality into the boyfriend's lap...hard. This is the turning point...is he in or out? Does he want children of his own? Is the OP also able and willing to produce more babies? Is the boyfriend willing to take on this child as his own as a stepfather? Will he adopt her officially since bio dad is gone and out of the picture?

 

There's a LOT going on here, especially with long distance...where are they going to live?

[CherryBlossom1980]

Act you’ve got it in one! My daughter has only just turned 3, she hasn’t got a clue about him really. He is just mummy’s friend. And yes it would be a quick pop to the park and then back to my family for the rest of the weekend.

 

The issue of where we would live is still up in the air, we haven’t spoken about it. But I did say from the start I am happy where I am and not moving. But It’s all too complicated really

[smackie9]

Sorry but this is not the one for you. You are being unrealistic, there is not future with this guy.

 

-He lives in another country

-He's love bombing you

-He will never man up and be a father figure for your daughter

-He goes and hides like a child

-You pretty much lied to him about having another kid...why do that? He ain't worth hanging onto.

-You are putting way too much energy into something that should never been started.

-You are not thinking this through, you judgment is being clouded by your desperation to have a man in your life.

 

Walk away now!

[ExpatInItaly]

Act you’ve got it in one! My daughter has only just turned 3, she hasn’t got a clue about him really. He is just mummy’s friend. And yes it would be a quick pop to the park and then back to my family for the rest of the weekend.

 

The issue of where we would live is still up in the air, we haven’t spoken about it. But I did say from the start I am happy where I am and not moving. But It’s all too complicated really

 

So he would be expected to move.

 

From his angle, I imagine this all looks like a lot of change for him and his life, but not as much for yours. He would be the one moving to a new country, and he would be the one integrating a child into his life if this relationship continues. My guess is that he is not too keen about all that this relationship would imply for his future.

 

You're not wrong to want to stay where you are and find a man who would become with your daughter, to be clear. I just think you might be looking in the wrong place for it with this man.

[smackie9]

So he would be expected to move.

 

From his angle, I imagine this all looks like a lot of change for him and his life, but not as much for yours. He would be the one moving to a new country, and he would be the one integrating a child into his life if this relationship continues. My guess is that he is not too keen about all that this relationship would imply for his future.

 

You're not wrong to want to stay where you are and find a man who would become with your daughter, to be clear. I just think you might be looking in the wrong place for it with this man.

I agree with this^^^

 

This guy doesn't fulfill any crucial expectations you have. You deserve so much better than this. Your daughter in your number one priority, not you. She needs a solid father figure, and man who is loving and confident to fill that role.

[CherryBlossom1980]

I never lied about having another child! I said I would love to have a sibling for my DD but I said from the start I’m unsure at my age if I could have one. And last nights discussion was highlighting that it may or may not happen. So he needs to decide just how important it is to him to have his own child. I was just being honest about the relationship.

 

Another thing I said if the very first conversation I had with him is I would not move as I’m happy and settled where I live. He was very keen to keep seeing me and it didn’t deter him. And neither did it deter him me bringing up meeting my DD in April. By words are words, and what concerns me is him disappearing every time something big crops up. I have worked incredibly hard to create a happy, stable home for my DD. I want someone capable of blending in and being able to deal with conflict (which will come up) maturely. Considering he is an incredibly senior person within an organisation (top level) I am surprised by how badly he deals with it!

[BaileyB]

So he would be expected to move.

 

From his angle, I imagine this all looks like a lot of change for him and his life, but not as much for yours. He would be the one moving to a new country, and he would be the one integrating a child into his life if this relationship continues. My guess is that he is not too keen about all that this relationship would imply for his future.

 

You're not wrong to want to stay where you are and find a man who would become with your daughter, to be clear. I just think you might be looking in the wrong place for it with this man.

 

I totally agree with this. A relationship would mean MAJOR changes for this man, and he is right to be considering this carefully. I still say it is far too soon to be considering a move to another country or introducing this man to your daughter (although it may just be a quick meeting at the park), but I can appreciate how you would not want to waste your time on a relationship that doesn't have the potential to go the distance. Just be careful.

Edited March 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[act00]

Act you’ve got it in one! My daughter has only just turned 3, she hasn’t got a clue about him really. He is just mummy’s friend. And yes it would be a quick pop to the park and then back to my family for the rest of the weekend.

 

The issue of where we would live is still up in the air, we haven’t spoken about it. But I did say from the start I am happy where I am and not moving. But It’s all too complicated really

 

Maybe you do need to sever ties. Would you be willing to uproot yourself and your child to move to France where you don't have the support and assistance of your family? They are the ones helping you muddle through single parenthood.

 

If you decide to uproot and move, you have to know and have the stability of a good job and housing to raise your child by yourself...you have no guarantees this relationship is going to work after moving to his city.

 

The three month mark is a typical, "standard" place where relationships make a split or move forward...honeymoon phase over...and I think that's where you are now. You are not only dating for yourself, you are dating a potential father for your daughter, and you are also considering long-term expectations with your man, whether or not he wants his own biological children, and whether or not you can or are willing to grow them in your body. And where are you going to live, and can you relocate and abandon your support system? Can you find employment in his area that will support you and your daughter without his assistance in any way, shape, or form? Can he move to your area, find employment and support himself, a family of two and maybe some new sprouts? Will he have to abandon his own support system? Is his family where he lives?

[CherryBlossom1980]

As much as it’s beautiful where he lives, I don’t want to move there anytime soon mainly due to the reasons you’ve stated.

 

He doesn’t really have a support network, his best friend lives nearby. And he has work colleagues and party friends. Where as I have family, friends and job etc he isn’t working but is rich. So the part about supporting us wouldn’t be an issue in the slightest. But our worlds are very different which he was aware of from the mine. His focus is very much on finding someone and settling down, so I know he wants it. But the issue is him pulling away and the age gap and of course the big move. So yes I’m going to end it, if he ever contacts me again!

[CherryBlossom1980]

Hi,

 

I’ve had some time to think about everything, I’ve not heard anything from him since I left on a Saturday. He is either thinking about things or disappeared. If he doesnt contact me again I’m going to be very angry mainly due to the fact that he said he would never do that to me, at the very least say it isn’t going to work and say it’s best to go our separate ways.

 

Either way I don’t think I want to be with him. Do I just leave things and if he contacts me say it’s too complicated and I don’t want to continue with this? Part of me just wants to message him and say how disappointed I am that he didn’t check I got home safely and just tell him it’s not on that on the way he disappears every time we have conflict, and that it’s better we leave it?

 

Any tips?

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi,

 

I’ve had some time to think about everything, I’ve not heard anything from him since I left on a Saturday. He is either thinking about things or disappeared. If he doesnt contact me again I’m going to be very angry mainly due to the fact that he said he would never do that to me, at the very least say it isn’t going to work and say it’s best to go our separate ways.

 

Either way I don’t think I want to be with him. Do I just leave things and if he contacts me say it’s too complicated and I don’t want to continue with this? Part of me just wants to message him and say how disappointed I am that he didn’t check I got home safely and just tell him it’s not on that on the way he disappears every time we have conflict, and that it’s better we leave it?

 

Any tips?

 

I'd give it a couple days to see if he reaches out, and if not, then let him know it's over.

 

It's not possible to have a serious relationship with someone who won't communicate, even apart from the complicated circumstances you two are facing.

 

I would not have an issue with someone needing some time to think about a big decision, but if the silence dragged on for days, they're essentially communicating that it's done anyway.

[CherryBlossom1980]

Expat I agree thanks. I just find it hard to understand that he would disappear on me after 4 months of getting to know me, and it was always him trying to pursuade me to stay in the relationship. I tried to end it after our fourth date because of the distance etc I knew it would be complicated. Each time we had a problem he said he would never disappear on me, that he cares for me too much and tried to reassure me. I’m just upset that I believed him more than anything ? it kind of makes me distrustful of men ?

[ExpatInItaly]

Expat I agree thanks. I just find it hard to understand that he would disappear on me after 4 months of getting to know me, and it was always him trying to pursuade me to stay in the relationship. I tried to end it after our fourth date because of the distance etc I knew it would be complicated. Each time we had a problem he said he would never disappear on me, that he cares for me too much and tried to reassure me. I’m just upset that I believed him more than anything ? it kind of makes me distrustful of men ?

 

The important lesson here is trust yourself when you feel something isn't right. You had an uneasy feeling about this early on. I know you wanted to give it a chance, but it appears your gut was right.

[CherryBlossom1980]

Thanks Expat ?

[Gaeta]

To me it sounds like he got caught up in a romance without thinking. Then this weekend you reminded him the facts and it shocked him into reality.

 

The thing that jumped at me is you said you expected him to re-assure you. I think you were certain he'd say it's ok for him to not have children of his own and you didn't hear what you wanted.

 

If you ask big questions you have to be ready for any of the answers.

 

You said he's wealthy? Did he make his own wealth or he is carrying his family heritage? If so, I am pretty sure he has some pressure for children of his own.