What's the point of men doing this on dates?

[ktmiller222]

Well, I met this guy on a dating app. When we first talked, he asked me to dinner that weekend. I could not meet with him then because a friend was in town. A few days later I asked him how his week was. He works at a hospital and can have a very busy schedule at times. We texted a few times and a few days later I said that if he wanted to meet up anytime soon to let me know....so we agreed to meet the following weekend.

 

SO a week ago I went on a very lovely date with him. He took me to a very nice restaurant for dinner and wine. He treated me very well-made a reservation, made sure the table was by a window for great views, held the door open for me, and refused to let me pay for anything (I didn't think guys existed like this anymore). Besides that, we had a great conversation and had a lot of things in common. Dinner lasted about 2-2 1/2 hours. During the conversation he talked about nearby bars. He asked if I would like to go to one after dinner and I said yes. We ended up going and had a another drink and great conversation. We did kiss on the lips twice that night (just some sweet pecks).

 

I have not heard from him since then. I get that maybe he isn't interested (even though it was a great date) but I don't get why he would want to go somewhere after dinner if he wasn't interested. Don't you think that he would already know during dinner that he was not interested? Why do guys do this? I feel like he gave me some false sense of hope.

[newyorker11356]

He may have liked you while he was in the moment during the date (which is why he invited you to a bar after dinner), but then thought about it more the following day and realized he wasn't. Sucks, but it happens in the dating game.

 

Another option could be is that he was hoping for just a hookup, and it didn't happen, so he's now moving on.

[Agonistes]

Yes that is strange. Extending a date with a change of venue is always a good sign. I wonder if he is being influenced by some BS game playing stuff he read on the internet.

Edited March 18, 2018 by Agonistes

[newyorker11356]

Yes that is strange. Extending a date with a hange of venue is always a good sign. I wonder if he is being influenced by some BS game playing stuff he read on the internet.

 

Another option I forgot to mention is that he might have met someone else he liked more.

 

OP, how long was it from the first date till you made this thread?

[Agonistes]

Another option I forgot to mention is that he might have met someone else he liked more.

 

OP, how long was it from the first date till you made this thread?

 

 

Yes, that would also explain it.

[Shining One]

I've been the guy in this situation. I had a great, long date one night. I had a better date the following night. I'm sure some of the women I went out with (who never responded to my requests for a second date) had the same experience.

[newyorker11356]

I've been the guy in this situation. I had a great, long date one night. I had a better date the following night. I'm sure some of the women I went out with (who never responded to my requests for a second date) had the same experience.

 

See, if I was the guy in your case, and I liked both of them pretty equally, I would have continued going out them until one decided she wanted to be exclusive

[ktmiller222]

The date was last Sunday....so tomorrow it will be one week.

[Biscous]

He probably was mulling in his head about you and the interaction so he changed venues to extend the date and decide. Still that is USUALLY a good sign.

 

I've had dates where I was not interested and ended them. I've also had dates where I've been to an extra venue because I was interested in the girl but she was closed off and I was trying to open up.

 

Nine times out of ten I change venues for a change of scenery and because things are going REALLY well.

 

Maybe it was a good time but an ex or another girl is in the picture. Maybe he didn't feel the same way. I've kissed a girl after a date and nothing transpired out of it, but my dating style is I almost always go for a kiss.

 

Understand in dating that people do illogical things that will make your head turn and sometimes it isn't YOU. Also realize you cannot always control the outcome.

Edited March 18, 2018 by Biscous

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Please don't assume he didn't like you. It could be that an ex came back into the picture. Or any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. He may have felt too awkward to tell you, which is no excuse. Dust yourself off and keep going.

[PRW]

I have not heard from him since then. I get that maybe he isn't interested (even though it was a great date) but I don't get why he would want to go somewhere after dinner if he wasn't interested. Don't you think that he would already know during dinner that he was not interested? Why do guys do this? I feel like he gave me some false sense of hope.

 

I don't know how long "since" is. But it sounds like he is doing everything perfect to me. It was only a first date. You're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. He sounds like he has his act together and is not "needy" or "creepy".

 

Things to keep in mind about guys who have their act together.

 

 

1. They have options. You aren't the only one he has met. Because he has options he has a "clear head" and doesn't become obsessed over a woman after just one date.
   
2. Guy's who have their act together will probably only ask you out once a week or maybe every two weeks if he is busy and if you also have competition. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. You should be casually dating too so that he has competition. It will help you think clearly and help you not obsess over one guy.
   
3. They will not do much contact or chit-chat between dates. This is also a good thing. This allows both to anticipate the upcoming date and feel more excited about it. You will have more to talk about on the date since you didn't expend everything on the phone before the date.
   
4. Guys who have their act together will be on guard for women who freak out over not hearing from him every other day (or every day) after the first date.
   
5. Since most of the women he meets will fail at this, keep your head screwed on straight and you will beat out the competition by doing nothing more than showing restraint and patients.
   
6. After a few dates if you feel comfortable with him by then, you should contact him between the dates (but not excessively). He will probably use that as an opportunity to make the next date. He will expect this from you as a sign you are actually interested in him, as long as you don't over do it. This also lets you play more of a role in that the dates happen as often as you contact him rather than weekly or by weekly from him.
   
7. Don't expect exclusivity for about 7-8 weeks and don't expect him to bring it up. Once you have been seeing each other that long you should be the one to bring up the conversation. If he agrees then you are now at this point boyfriend/girlfriend and he will drop any others he may have been seeing causally (of course you do the same).
   

Edited March 18, 2018 by PRW

[newyorker11356]

I don't know how long "since" is. But it sounds like he is doing everything perfect to me. It was only a first date. You're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. He sounds like he has his act together and is not "needy" or "creepy".

 

Things to keep in mind about guys who have their act together.

 

 

1. They have options. You aren't the only one he has met. Because he has options he has a "clear head" and doesn't become obsessed over a woman after just one date.
   
2. Guy's who have their act together will probably only ask you out once a week or maybe every two weeks if he is busy and if you also have competition. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. You should be casually dating too so that he has competition. It will help you think clearly and help you not obsess over one guy.
   
3. They will not do much contact or chit-chat between dates. This is also a good thing. This allows both to anticipate the upcoming date and feel more excited about it. You will have more to talk about on the date since you didn't expend everything on the phone before the date.
   
4. Guys who have their act together will be on guard for women who freak out over not hearing from him every other day (or every day) after the first date.
   
5. Since most of the women he meets will fail at this, keep your head screwed on straight and you will beat out the competition by doing nothing more than showing restraint and patients.
   
6. After a few dates if you feel comfortable with him by then, you should contact him between the dates (but not excessively). He will probably use that as an opportunity to make the next date. He will expect this from you as a sign you are actually interested in him, as long as you don't over do it. This also lets you play more of a role in that the dates happen as often as you contact him rather than weekly or by weekly from him.
   
7. Don't expect exclusivity for about 7-8 weeks and don't expect him to bring it up. Once you have been seeing each other that long you should be the one to bring up the conversation. If he agrees then you are now at this point boyfriend/girlfriend and he will drop any others he may have been seeing causally (of course you do the same).
   

 

Tomorrow would be a week since they had their date. He hasn't contacted her since. It's obvious he's not interested in anything further.

 

It's one thing to not blow up her phone and be texting her 24/7, it's another to go almost a week with no contact.

[PRW]

The date was last Sunday....so tomorrow it will be one week.

 

That's nothing!!! That isn't squat! Relax,...chill out.

 

I keep dates to about a week or two between them in the early stages,...even if you don't have competition. I have a social life beyond the dating,...I don't always have time for a date every weekend or more.

 

Relax! If there are other women he may do it the same way with them and they will freak out and knock themselves out of the competition,...don't be one of them. He may choose the woman who comes across as "rock solid" and self sufficient.

[hippychick3]

I don't know how long "since" is. But it sounds like he is doing everything perfect to me. It was only a first date. You're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. He sounds like he has his act together and is not "needy" or "creepy".

 

Things to keep in mind about guys who have their act together.

 

 

1. They have options. You aren't the only one he has met. Because he has options he has a "clear head" and doesn't become obsessed over a woman after just one date.
   
2. Guy's who have their act together will probably only ask you out once a week or maybe every two weeks if he is busy and if you also have competition. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. You should be casually dating too so that he has competition. It will help you think clearly and help you not obsess over one guy.
   
3. They will not do much contact or chit-chat between dates. This is also a good thing. This allows both to anticipate the upcoming date and feel more excited about it. You will have more to talk about on the date since you didn't expend everything on the phone before the date.
   
4. Guys who have their act together will be on guard for women who freak out over not hearing from him every other day (or every day) after the first date.
   
5. Since most of the women he meets will fail at this, keep your head screwed on straight and you will beat out the competition by doing nothing more than showing restraint and patients.
   
6. After a few dates if you feel comfortable with him by then, you should contact him between the dates (but not excessively). He will probably use that as an opportunity to make the next date. He will expect this from you as a sign you are actually interested in him, as long as you don't over do it. This also lets you play more of a role in that the dates happen as often as you contact him rather than weekly or by weekly from him.
   
7. Don't expect exclusivity for about 7-8 weeks and don't expect him to bring it up. Once you have been seeing each other that long you should be the one to bring up the conversation. If he agrees then you are now at this point boyfriend/girlfriend and he will drop any others he may have been seeing causally (of course you do the same).
   

 

This guy clearly does NOT have his act together if he were truly interested in the OP (which I don't think he is).

 

This is not the "perfect" way for a guy to act when he is interested. It would be a total turnoff for a woman.

[newyorker11356]

That's nothing!!! That isn't squat! Relax,...chill out.

 

I keep dates to about a week or two between them in the early stages,...even if you don't have competition. I have a social life beyond the dating,...I don't always have time for a date every weekend or more.

 

Relax! If there are other women he may do it the same way with them and they will freak out and knock themselves out of the competition,...don't be one of them. He may choose the woman who comes across as "rock solid" and self sufficient.

 

I'm a guy, but sorry, if I like a woman, I'm not going a week or more with no contact - lol.

 

I'd venture to say most guys wouldn't. The OP's date is not into her, and she shouldn't expect to hear back from him.

 

I agree with most of your posts, except sort of the part where you say to keep contact to an absolute minimum. It's one thing to not blow up her phone 24/7, but there's nothing wrong with maintaining some contact throughout the week or some days leading up to the next date (if there is one). I do that and have never had issues getting multiple dates from the same woman.

Edited March 18, 2018 by newyorker11356

[PRW]

Tomorrow would be a week since they had their date. He hasn't contacted her since. It's obvious he's not interested in anything further.

 

It's one thing to not blow up her phone and be texting her 24/7, it's another to go almost a week with no contact.

 

I completely disagree. I wouldn't think that till after 3 weeks. After only one date I am not obligated to update someone I barely know about everything going on in my life. That is even more so if I am also causally seeing one or two others at the same time. Now I never casually date more than 3 at a time and even that is rare,...it is usually 2. That means I'll arrange a date with each every other weekend (so 2 weeks for each). If I like one more than the other I'll start to focus more on her. If we become exclusive then I'll drop all others, but that is going to be about two months down the road as long as everything goes correctly.

[PRW]

Yes that is strange. Extending a date with a change of venue is always a good sign. I wonder if he is being influenced by some BS game playing stuff he read on the internet.

 

People seem to define "game playing" as any behavor that they don't like.

 

If people just apply common sense and have a "sense of restraint" they would all do much better. You meet someone new it is foolish to think you are the only thing in that person's life before you can even spell each other's last name properly.

 

Hopefully the guy does have others in his life,...it is the ones that don't you have to watch out for.

[PRW]

To the OP.

 

As the saying goes, "Your fingers aren't broke". Send him a simple "hello" text and see what response you get. Show a little return interest. Just don't overdo it and make him think you are a neurotic wack job.

[PRW]

I agree with most of your posts, except sort of the part where you say to keep contact to an absolute minimum. It's one thing to not blow up her phone 24/7, but there's nothing wrong with maintaining some contact throughout the week or some days leading up to the next date (if there is one). I do that and have never had issues getting multiple dates from the same woman.

 

That is true if they are your girlfriend. It they are not you girlfriend,...and they aren't your girlfriend after just one date,...then you need to follow what I outlined as well as the OP needs to.

[newyorker11356]

To the OP.

 

As the saying goes, "Your fingers aren't broke". Send him a simple "hello" text and see what response you get. Show a little return interest. Just don't overdo it and make him think you are a neurotic wack job.

 

I was going to say this as well.

 

OP, did you try to reach out to him after the date?

[newyorker11356]

That is true if they are your girlfriend. It they are not you girlfriend,...and they aren't your girlfriend after just one date,...then you need to follow what I outlined as well as the OP needs to.

 

I think I'll do what has worked for me, and you do what has "worked" for you

[PRW]

I think I'll do what has worked for me, and you do what has "worked" for you

 

This really isn't about what I do and what you do.

 

The OP asked a question about "why" the guy may be acting this way.

I answered the question and am relatively certain that I have him pegged. Could I be wrong?,...of course I could be wrong,...but I doubt it. It doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with what he is doing,...I just described what I think he is probably doing. The fact that I agree with his behavor is a side issue.

[newyorker11356]

This really isn't about what I do and what you do.

 

The OP asked a question about "why" the guy may be acting this way.

I answered the question and am relatively certain that I have him pegged. Could I be wrong?,...of course I could be wrong,...but I doubt it. It doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with what he is doing,...I just described what I think he is probably doing. The fact that I agree with his behavor is a side issue.

 

99 times out of 100, if a guy goes that long without contacting a woman, he's not that into her.

 

Could this be the 1 out of 100? Sure, but I'm willing to wager the OP isn't going to hear from this guy again.

[hercules22]

funny thing is i done this with a girl i went out on a date recently i took her to a desert place after we had dinner but i dont think ill hear back from her though towards end of the night her godfather passed away i let her know i wanted to see her again and it made it clear all i got from her was she let me know which is the worst thing to hear whether a guy or girl says it

 

it like they are not really keen but i dont know with this one since what happened during the date but whenever someone says ill let you know means they arent to interested

[act00]

It is mind boggling when you think things went really well. It also sounds like you had more communication during the week before you finally met, and now there's silence, so obviously something isn't measuring up. It could be that he was dating someone else as well, and he decided he wants to focus on her. Maybe he was hopeful for a hookup. Who knows. It does seem like a "why bother" situation if there were clues you weren't "the one" during dinner, but extending the evening is rarely a bad sign.

 

I think a date every other week with zero communication in between is not enough and doesn't demonstrate true interest, maybe more of a backup plan. I understand there may be circumstances that don't allow a weekly date (dated a guy with kids/parenting time), but one would hope that in those cases, a weeknight, short date would be available and some communication, texting or phone, even if it's not daily, would also occur. If someone was interested, they would want more time...maybe holding back so as not to "blow up your phone" or be too clingy, but they would reach out and want more...don't lose that momentum...don't create a situation where someone else can swoop in. The frequency of dates/seeing each other would hopefully increase as time goes on.

 

A lot of guys in my generation prefer the phone call, so it's not going to be a daily thing. Personally, I like the daily check-in via text. Maybe a bit of a longer texting conversation at times, and a phone call occasionally. I'm not one to want to talk on the phone much, so I'm okay with minimal communication in that regard, but some texting is nice. I don't want to have to text all day every day. BTDT, and even though I really, really want to text constantly in a check-in fashion in the beginning, I don't because long-term it's not sustainable and I don't want to set the precedence.

 

OP, have you reached out to him? Unless you have some strict personal rule that you never contact the man first for a certain period of time (and accept the consequences), you've gotta toss that guy a bone and make sure he knows YOU'RE interested. Reach out if you haven't. See what happens.