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Should I tell him that I'm jealous of his platonic female friend?


raizel

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My boyfriend has a female friend (he's known for a few months) that he's particularly close to. He hasn't explicitly done anything "out of bounds," but they do go out one on one occasionally.

Sometimes I remind him that before we started dating, I used to think that they were going to start dating each other. In instances like that, he just changes the topic. I don't know if he does that because he does have feelings for her (and is afraid to speak about it) or if it's just so trivial to him that it's not worth talking about.

 

I want to talk to him about this, but our relationship is very new so I don't want him to feel like I am accusing him of things. I don't want to seem like that jealous girlfriend. Being an overprotective girlfriend is the last thing I want to be. He's perfect in every other way, I just feel a little bit uneasy whenever I hear her name.

 

What should I do?

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How do things go with his other female friends? Similar? Different?

 

How do you feel when you're close to a man whom you have no romantic interest in but enjoy the emotional intimacy and attention from? Has that ever happened for you?

 

Do you think men and women can be friends without sex being involved? IMO, there's no right or wrong answer, rather what works for you in your relationships. Compatibility.

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How do things go with his other female friends? Similar? Different?

 

How do you feel when you're close to a man whom you have no romantic interest in but enjoy the emotional intimacy and attention from? Has that ever happened for you?

 

Do you think men and women can be friends without sex being involved? IMO, there's no right or wrong answer, rather what works for you in your relationships. Compatibility.

He doesn't have other female friends. He does talk to other girls sometimes, but not on a daily basis (like with this girl).

 

I don't get emotionally close to men I'm not romantically interested in.

 

Yes, I do think men and women can be just friends...however, I just feel like the type of friendship is slightly different because between men and women, there always exists a possibility....?

 

I think I better talk to my boyfriend about this before I start feeling resentful.

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Eternal Sunshine
He doesn't have other female friends. He does talk to other girls sometimes, but not on a daily basis (like with this girl).

 

I don't get emotionally close to men I'm not romantically interested in.

 

Yes, I do think men and women can be just friends...however, I just feel like the type of friendship is slightly different because between men and women, there always exists a possibility....?

 

I think I better talk to my boyfriend about this before I start feeling resentful.

 

Talk to him and how he reacts will tell you all you need to know. If he gets angry and defensive, or calls you insecure or doesn't seem to show any empathy and willingness to compromise, run.

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OP, since you've apparently interacted with the other lady prior to beginning to date your BF, how did that experience go? You mentioned:

I used to think that they were going to start dating each other

During all this time, have you and he and this friend and her dating partner ever done couple's dates? I trust she's not at home celibate with a bunch of cats, right? She had/has a boyfriend or someone she's dating, yes?
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Give us a time frame for when who came into the picture when.

 

He's known her for exactly how long? He's been dating you for how long?

 

I don't get emotionally close to men I'm not romantically interested in.

 

Apparently, he doesn't following this policy himself, so that's your starting point in your discussion with him.

 

If he's changing/passing on the subject when you bring it up, then it's probably that he does have feelings for her and as Smackie said, he's dating both of you, but you didn't get the memo.

 

Are you down with sharing him? If not, you need to make your policy crystal clear to him and be prepared to back off of this if he tells you something you don't like or want to hear.

Edited by kendahke
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Invite her out with you or over to dinner so she can see you as a couple and then you can gauge her reaction, if she's friendly or jealous. And you can gauge his. If he hits the roof you invited her into your couples life, obvsiouly he's keeping her in reserve. And this will open the conversation. You : "Well, John, she's your good friend, so I thought you'd like it that I am including her and trying to get to know her so I can be friends with her too."

 

I think if you do that, he will likely head her off before she accepts, so don't tell him first. If he heads her off, you'll know he wants to keep you two separate.

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I think it depends on a few things

 

-what they’re doing together

-the amount of time and regularity of it

-the amount of time you spend with your boyfriend

-the vibe you get

-whether you and her get along

-how it makes you feel

-how your relationship is fairing

-his reaction when you address it

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OP, since you've apparently interacted with the other lady prior to beginning to date your BF, how did that experience go? You mentioned:

During all this time, have you and he and this friend and her dating partner ever done couple's dates? I trust she's not at home celibate with a bunch of cats, right? She had/has a boyfriend or someone she's dating, yes?

So I thought they were going to end up dating because back then, I could see that they talked to each other a lot (constant notifications on his phone).

You're right, she does have a boyfriend.

I have met her once at a bar and some of my boyfriend's friends. Although she was with her boyfriend, I felt like she and my boyfriend had more of a conversation than the rest of us. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive here but it almost seemed like she disregarded her boyfriend's presence.

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Give us a time frame for when who came into the picture when.

 

He's known her for exactly how long? He's been dating you for how long?

 

 

 

Apparently, he doesn't following this policy himself, so that's your starting point in your discussion with him.

 

If he's changing/passing on the subject when you bring it up, then it's probably that he does have feelings for her and as Smackie said, he's dating both of you, but you didn't get the memo.

 

Are you down with sharing him? If not, you need to make your policy crystal clear to him and be prepared to back off of this if he tells you something you don't like or want to hear.

So when I started getting acquainted with my current boyfriend, he got a a new job. So I guess this is when he met this girl. I was very much interested in him but at times I was hesitant because he seemed to talk to the other girl a lot. One time I asked him if he would date her and he just said "she has a boyfriend."

 

About 4 months into talking to him, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been dating for a month now.

 

Sometimes he goes out with his co-workers after work. Usually, he tells me what he's doing and who he's with. But when it comes to this girl, I have to directly ask him what he was up to. He avoids using her name when he can.

 

I haven't openly expressed my jealousy of her to him, so he probably thinks that I think that she's just an ordinary friend. But yeah, whatever the deal is, it looks like I have to talk to him and admit that I've been feeling like this. The problem is I don't know whether what I am feeling is rational or not and at such an early stage of the relationship, I don't want to scare him away.

 

I know that since she has a boyfriend, I shouldn't worry about anything. But the idea that my boyfriend MAY be looking at her as a backup plan is making me anxious.

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Invite her out with you or over to dinner so she can see you as a couple and then you can gauge her reaction, if she's friendly or jealous. And you can gauge his. If he hits the roof you invited her into your couples life, obvsiouly he's keeping her in reserve. And this will open the conversation. You : "Well, John, she's your good friend, so I thought you'd like it that I am including her and trying to get to know her so I can be friends with her too."

 

I think if you do that, he will likely head her off before she accepts, so don't tell him first. If he heads her off, you'll know he wants to keep you two separate.

I've had drinks with her, my boyfriend, her boyfriend and a couple of other of their friends once. They're all co-workers so it's natural that I was a little bit left out on their conversations.

 

However, it was just a bit strange to me that her and my boyfriend seem to hit it off very well. She's very well spoken and has a lot of interesting things to say. Throughout the night the two were just having their own conversation and I felt like I couldn't be part of their "bubble."

Had my boyfriend not tell me her boyfriend was actually there with us, I wouldn't even have suspected that she was dating him because she barely interacted with him.

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I think it depends on a few things

 

-what they’re doing together

-the amount of time and regularity of it

-the amount of time you spend with your boyfriend

-the vibe you get

-whether you and her get along

-how it makes you feel

-how your relationship is fairing

-his reaction when you address it

I have in my replies above some context about their relationship. Basically they are co-workers. She has a boyfriend but the one time I met her, her boyfriend was there but he seemed invisible to her.

 

I've got to admit, she's quite a fascinating person - full of life, interesting, pretty. I felt intimated by her. She was really friendly to me but she seemed to be more interested in talking to my boyfriend. I guess on the surface, she and I get along.Though her friendliness towards me was a bit over the top, but that may be due to our different personalities.

 

They don't really do "coupley" stuff together but from what I've heard from my boyfriend they take 1-2hr walks around the city from time to time. Don't know how you could even do that with anyone but I've never been there with them so maybe I don't quite understand something.

 

I see my boyfriend for a couple of hours (~3hrs) maybe 2 or 3 times a week. When he's with me he doesn't check his phone often so I really do get the impression that I'm the only one for him. It's just when he is away I feel as though he enjoys his time with others (which is perfectly ok)...but maybe a little bit too much with this girl.

 

I haven't yet admitted to him that I feel a little bit suspicious about their friendship. At most, he might pick up some clues that I feel this way because I do bring up questions like "would you ever date her." I've never gotten a straight no, he always curves the question by saying something else like "hey you know she's gonna bring in banana bread for everyone tomorrow."

 

In my last relationship, I had the same sort of problem. I thought that my (ex) boyfriend valued his friendship with another girl a little bit too much. Both of these men don't have other girl friends, mainly just male friends. And even with male friends, they didn't talk on a daily basis. I really hope that my current boyfriend just sees her as a friend and I'm just being overly-anxious.

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So when I started getting acquainted with my current boyfriend, he got a a new job. So I guess this is when he met this girl. I was very much interested in him but at times I was hesitant because he seemed to talk to the other girl a lot. One time I asked him if he would date her and he just said "she has a boyfriend."

 

About 4 months into talking to him, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been dating for a month now.

 

So basically, you both met him at the same time.

 

Sometimes he goes out with his co-workers after work. Usually, he tells me what he's doing and who he's with. But when it comes to this girl, I have to directly ask him what he was up to. He avoids using her name when he can.
Is he afraid of your reaction if he does? I mean, he should be considering he's allowing her into a space of intimacy only his girlfriend should be in.

 

Ask him if you were treating with a new friend the same way, would he be cool with it?

 

I haven't openly expressed my jealousy of her to him, so he probably thinks that I think that she's just an ordinary friend. But yeah, whatever the deal is, it looks like I have to talk to him and admit that I've been feeling like this. The problem is I don't know whether what I am feeling is rational or not and at such an early stage of the relationship, I don't want to scare him away.
The guy who I quote in my tag line put out a video about this recently--you should look him up on youtube and listen to a couple of his videos.

 

I know that since she has a boyfriend, I shouldn't worry about anything. But the idea that my boyfriend MAY be looking at her as a backup plan is making me anxious.
I have a feeling that her boyfriend either doesn't know or she isn't telling him the details of what she's doing with your boyfriend.

 

Do you want to compete with her or not? That's the first thing to figure out.

 

If this is something you will end your relationship over, then you need to tell him that because it sounds like he wants both of you, perhaps for different reasons, but she has no business in his intimacy once he asked you to be his girlfriend a month ago. I"m quite sure he'd be incandescent if it was you allowing some guy all up into your intimacy in the same way.

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I don't believe it helps to ask him questions about her. She's irrelevant to you all's relationship. The questions you ask should be about how he feels about "us". It's not your problem if you are in relationship with him. It's both of your problems if either of you has a problem. You might tell him that it's difficult for you to tell what's going on. In other words.....be honest with him like you have in this thread. Tell him about yourself. Tell him that you don't want to come across as a jealous g/f. Tell him that you fear running him off with exposing your feelings. Tell him that's not your intention or desire.

 

If he tends to put it on you....."she's a friend....that's it"....tell him it doesn't solve "our" problem....and if he asks what problem.....be the way you've been in this thread. easier said than done. But....nothing worth having is easily gotten.....nor kept. If when pressed...and he says that "this is your problem"......tell him "no...if we're a couple...it's our problem".

 

Good luck to you and again....keep it off of him....and on the both of you as one. A relationship is bigger than the sum of it's parts. That's where the convo stays. About the relationship. And that's made of the both of you. Not just him. Not just you.

Edited by whatnot
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He's the common denominator in all of this and his inability to recognize that once he asked you to be his girlfriend, that meant that missy needed to be dismissed from his intimacy is troubling. So no, this isn't about your relationship: this is about his actions that are causing harm to your relationship.

 

She wouldn't be as far up in his intimacy without his permission--that's not an "us" thing.

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He's the common denominator in all of this and his inability to recognize that once he asked you to be his girlfriend, that meant that missy needed to be dismissed from his intimacy is troubling. So no, this isn't about your relationship: this is about his actions that are causing harm to your relationship.

 

She wouldn't be as far up in his intimacy without his permission--that's not an "us" thing.

 

I agree this is about his actions. And this is not an uncommon problem (lol at all) for people in even solid relationships to have. So it needs to be approached as our problem because...the fact is...you have a problem with his actions...so it is your problem too. That makes it an "our" problem....if both have agreed to be exclusive..

 

When two people have a problem in an exlusive relationship.....it becomes an "our" problem

Edited by whatnot
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That only applies if you have agreed to be exclusive.

 

About 4 months into talking to him, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been dating for a month now.

 

She didn't qualify this as "he asked me to be his casual girlfriend"; therefore, since she didn't make that distinction, one is left with they're exclusive, so this applies.

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She didn't qualify this as "he asked me to be his casual girlfriend"; therefore, since she didn't make that distinction, one is left with they're exclusive, so this applies.

 

I agree...............;)

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So,what is the best way to broach this subject with him?

 

I have been through this situation and it turned into the worst time of my life. From what I hear, it is best to avoid 'blame' language such as 'you always do...' at the same time, I wouldn't be putting it as 'I am jealous of your friend' either as he could dismiss it as your problem when I think it is really a problem he needs to sort out - a boundary issue.

 

For me, the options are:

 

1. Wait it out a little and get more of an idea on how you feel about it.

2. Talk to him about it, watch his reaction, then return the focus to your relationship, or..

3. Bail - if the feeling you have is that something is really dodgy, or that his friendship is more important than your relationship - save yourself the heartache.

 

I would probably go somewhere in between 1 and 2, like you say, you don't want to leave it and become resentful.

 

I would definitely avoid asking questions such as 'would you date her?' don't even go there!! Having said that, his answer was not cool.

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Eternal Sunshine

So he basically can’t date her because she already has a bf. What happens when they break up? I don’t know OP this looks like you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

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So he basically can’t date her because she already has a bf. What happens when they break up? I don’t know OP this looks like you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Yep... that is definitely one of my fears.

I am going to talk to him about how I feel about this and gauge his reaction. Thanks for the heads up... I'll end it with him if it is revealed that he's just settling for me.

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Calmandfocused

Haven’t read all replies.

 

I don’t think anything has happened between them. But I think one thing is a definite- They are attracted to each other.

 

I’m sorry as I’m aware you don’t want to hear that but I’m afraid it’s blantantly obvious.

 

It’s quite normal to be attracted to others whilst in a realtionship. What’s not acceptable is to completely disrespect your partner in the process.

 

Because they are not respecting healthy boundaries it’s only a matter of time before something does happen,

 

Don’t accept this behaviour. It’s not fair to you.

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