Dating exhaustion

[hotpotato]

Does or has anyone else felt this way?

 

I realize I am exhausted from dating and the bs. I'm 31. I feel like I should want to date, but I don't. I just don't miss it.

 

I don't miss being asked for sex on almost every first date

I don't miss invitations to watch a movie, or talk, or whatever then he tries to have sex with me. This hasn't just happened at the guys house either...

 

Tbh I'm not sexually interested in most men in a way that would make me want to have sex with them instantly. Even if i were, I don't necessarily feel a need to act upon it.

 

I grew tired of trying to sort out the phonies. I've had guys pretend they wanted to be my boyfriend because they wanted sex (they'd admit it after awhile).

 

Dating seems to me like it's mostly about having sex. I've had very few men even try to get to know me. Then id get a boyfriend and get dumped anyway. *shrug*

 

In 2015 I had several guys who were interested in me or I in them without meeting them on the internet. That was a fluke. Otherwise I don't meet many prospects. That's starting to feel like a blessing.

 

I did find a motorcycle pal which was a battle in itself.

[Gaeta]

Like we said in your other thread you need to self-analyze why you only meet men that ask you for sex on 1st dates.

 

* It's the way you present yourself (just look at the way you present yourself here in a forum, hot-name and hot-lips so I don't beleive you have a simple non provocative dating profile online)

 

* You pick the wrong men ( stop picking hotties)

 

The answer is in you. If you are unwilling to change something then you will forever have the same results.

 

Personally after reading your threads I think you need to change both, you need to change a few things in the way you present yourself AND you need to pick better prospects.

 

Changing something in our pattern takes time.

Edited March 17, 2018 by Gaeta

[hotpotato]

Tbh I've had better luck with better looking men. I haven't experienced not so attractive men as being nicer. In fact, less attractive men were more likely to lie to get sex. I also said in that thread most of the guys is been on dates were ok, and they tried to have sex on the first date as well most of the time.

 

Dating men in not attracted to causes other problem like trying to force myself to have sex with them. Usually they force my hand right off the bat.

 

Also, I'm super into fitness. I don't feel like dating a guy with a lot belly just so I can have a man. (I live around a lot of obesity).

Edited March 17, 2018 by hotpotato

[act00]

I have to agree that if you present yourself IRL as you do your avatar and screen name, you're probably presenting yourself in a way that suggests you are equally inclined to fall into bed with any penis that comes your way. What is your behavior? I have certainly met men who are after sex straight away, but not EVERY guy and EVERY date. Most men are gentleman. They want the sex...let's not pretend they don't...but not ALL of them are that aggressive about it.

 

You are the common denominator in this equation. What is it about you, your behavior, your style, your dress that makes EVERY guy, every single guy, hot or not, push sex on you on the first meet?

 

Definitely take a break if dating is just becoming a chore. It's always a good time for some self-reflection and to make some positive changes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I personally think that if OP is attractive and fit, why should she have to pick "less attractive" men? I am probably not as fit as her and men with guts gross me out. Guts and womanly bodies (soft, narrow shoulders, large hips). And the kicker is they are not by default nicer people in any way. In fact, they tend to be worse in my experience.

[BaileyB]

I have definitely felt that way.

 

I would suggest, it's time to take a little break from dating. Focus on yoursel for a while. Do what makes you happy.

[Agonistes]

Yes, I am exhausted too but for different reasons. I am exhausted by the way every woman I date latches onto me after we have sex and then won't let go when I tell her it's been fun but time to move on. Why does every woman I date try to have a relationship with me after just a few dates? Why can't we just have some casual fun in the hay and leave the relationship stuff until we know each other better? The ugly or out of shape ones are just as bad about wanting an early relationship as the beautiful and fit ones. Just sayin

[hotpotato]

I have to agree that if you present yourself IRL as you do your avatar and screen name, you're probably presenting yourself in a way that suggests you are equally inclined to fall into bed with any penis that comes your way. What is your behavior? I have certainly met men who are after sex straight away, but not EVERY guy and EVERY date. Most men are gentleman. They want the sex...let's not pretend they don't...but not ALL of them are that aggressive about it.

 

You are the common denominator in this equation. What is it about you, your behavior, your style, your dress that makes EVERY guy, every single guy, hot or not, push sex on you on the first meet?

 

Definitely take a break if dating is just becoming a chore. It's always a good time for some self-reflection and to make some positive changes.

The best I can figure is I try to be friendly and guys see that as sexual. I don't go on dates dressing super sexy. In fact, I've purposefully dressed down many times.

 

Re:My name. Red and black are my favs colors. Hotpotato refers to being dropped 'like a hot potato.'

 

There were a few guys who didn't push for sex straight away, but most of the time they do.

[Highndry]

After reading your post I couldn't help but get the impression you have a very negative view of sex. Maybe that's just the tone of this particular one, but it may be something to look into, because I don't know any guy who wants a relationship with a woman who doesn't like sex.

[smackie9]

I found it easier to ask men out/ show interest in, rather than wait for them to come to me.

[Versacehottie]

well where are you meeting these guys? From tinder? Then yes that is probably happening to a lot of girls on their first dates with guys from there, not only you so don't let it get you down. Listen in some ways most if not a full 99% of guys would like sex but that doesn't mean all of them expect it or that you have to give it to them. In your post it seems like you are making it seem like you can't say no or not yet. The fact that they want it is pretty normal. I think some guys will talk about it and other guys won't--but it doesn't mean they don't want it or hope for it--which really is not a bad thing. It's a pretty normal part of a romantic relationship and is going to be on the table at some point so yes it's on their minds.

 

Here's what I find a little odd. Like i said some guys will say something and lots won't, especially on the first date. Unless the venue/app/site on which you are meeting them, allows them the freedom to be upfront about that (like tinder) then MOST guys are going to go for the default decent guy behavior & decent first impressions on a first date UNLESS you have presented yourself in a way that also makes them feel like that door is open. Maybe your profile? What you say or provocative pictures? That said, girls with a sexy look are going to get it more than perhaps girls with a girl next door look. It is still a little odd though because that usually translates to hot which a guy usually wants to put his best foot forward so as not to blow his chances with you. There's maybe something where they don't see you as gf material.

 

I know you are burned out. Fair enough. Sometimes people need a break from trying and just need to re-center themselves. I'd be careful of black and white thinking derailing how you live your life though. Such as all guys want is sex. Or that guys are the enemy in some way. That will set you back more than anything and make it hard for you to find a good relationship. The truth is somewhere in between, the grey area. Yes most guys want sex BUT so do most women looking for a relationship. Are you obligated to give it to them, no. Would it be fair to dismiss every guy that you think has that thought, no. Would it be fair to dismiss those guys who were crude or disrespectful about it, yes. On the guys are not disrespectful and genuinely interested in, just speak up about what is ok for you in terms of timeframe or level of closeness etc. On a first date, maybe tell them it's too soon to be discussing this, let's see if we get along first (worded better but that's the general idea). You don't have to be over the top serious, just put them in their place with a joke or slight rebuff. Anyway when you are ready to deal with guys again

 

I think one of the best things a girl can do if she feels like guys are difficult or after one thing is to change that mindset and take it on a guy by guy basis. A lot of guys DO want relationships and good ones. You just have to manage your end. It won't fall into place perfectly if you don't speak up about your expectations and do what is comfortable for you. Most guys are happy to please you & it weeds out the ones that are jerks with bad intentions anyway. So speaking up is a good strategy.

[hotpotato]

After reading your post I couldn't help but get the impression you have a very negative view of sex. Maybe that's just the tone of this particular one, but it may be something to look into, because I don't know any guy who wants a relationship with a woman who doesn't like sex.

 

Getting treated like meat has gotten old.

 

My ex and I had a great sex life. So did motorcycle guy and I. Those are guys who actually spent time and hot to know me, not here today gone tomorrow guys.

 

I want to be treated like a person.

[Agonistes]

 

I want to be treated like a person.

 

We all do, honey.

[aussietigerwolf]

We all do, honey.

 

Agreed. I'm over and done with online dating myself so i get it hotpotato.

[hotpotato]

well where are you meeting these guys? From tinder? Then yes that is probably happening to a lot of girls on their first dates with guys from there, not only you so don't let it get you down. Listen in some ways most if not a full 99% of guys would like sex but that doesn't mean all of them expect it or that you have to give it to them. In your post it seems like you are making it seem like you can't say no or not yet. The fact that they want it is pretty normal. I think some guys will talk about it and other guys won't--but it doesn't mean they don't want it or hope for it--which really is not a bad thing. It's a pretty normal part of a romantic relationship and is going to be on the table at some point so yes it's on their minds.

 

Here's what I find a little odd. Like i said some guys will say something and lots won't, especially on the first date. Unless the venue/app/site on which you are meeting them, allows them the freedom to be upfront about that (like tinder) then MOST guys are going to go for the default decent guy behavior & decent first impressions on a first date UNLESS you have presented yourself in a way that also makes them feel like that door is open. Maybe your profile? What you say or provocative pictures? That said, girls with a sexy look are going to get it more than perhaps girls with a girl next door look. It is still a little odd though because that usually translates to hot which a guy usually wants to put his best foot forward so as not to blow his chances with you. There's maybe something where they don't see you as gf material.

 

I know you are burned out. Fair enough. Sometimes people need a break from trying and just need to re-center themselves. I'd be careful of black and white thinking derailing how you live your life though. Such as all guys want is sex. Or that guys are the enemy in some way. That will set you back more than anything and make it hard for you to find a good relationship. The truth is somewhere in between, the grey area. Yes most guys want sex BUT so do most women looking for a relationship. Are you obligated to give it to them, no. Would it be fair to dismiss every guy that you think has that thought, no. Would it be fair to dismiss those guys who were crude or disrespectful about it, yes. On the guys are not disrespectful and genuinely interested in, just speak up about what is ok for you in terms of timeframe or level of closeness etc. On a first date, maybe tell them it's too soon to be discussing this, let's see if we get along first (worded better but that's the general idea). You don't have to be over the top serious, just put them in their place with a joke or slight rebuff. Anyway when you are ready to deal with guys again

 

I think one of the best things a girl can do if she feels like guys are difficult or after one thing is to change that mindset and take it on a guy by guy basis. A lot of guys DO want relationships and good ones. You just have to manage your end. It won't fall into place perfectly if you don't speak up about your expectations and do what is comfortable for you. Most guys are happy to please you & it weeds out the ones that are jerks with bad intentions anyway. So speaking up is a good strategy.

 

To be honest, there's not much conversation after he asks for sex. They usually disappear. I've also dealt with guys lying while trying to get sex.

 

In my experience, dating has been mostly about the guy getting sex.

 

I've never used Tinder. I've use POF for dates. I don't post sexy profile pics. In fact, I post mostly headshots or similar poses.

 

I've grown tired of guys wasting my time.

[hotpotato]

I feel like if I take a break this time, it could become permanent. Dating hasn't added enough to my life for me to want to continue.

[FilterCoffee]

To be honest, there's not much conversation after he asks for sex. They usually disappear. I've also dealt with guys lying while trying to get sex.

 

In my experience, dating has been mostly about the guy getting sex.

 

I've never used Tinder. I've use POF for dates. I don't post sexy profile pics. In fact, I post mostly headshots or similar poses.

 

I've grown tired of guys wasting my time.

 

It's a good thing you're not on Tinder. What have you written in your bio?

[LoverOfDance]

I used pof for a few years. It was dreadful. Yup, 98% of men on there will ask you for sex.

 

Now I use Tinder, match and badoo. Still the same story to be honest but a little manageable I think.

[hotpotato]

It's a good thing you're not on Tinder. What have you written in your bio?

 

I've stayed far from tinder. I didn't have anything overtly sexual on my profile. I haven't used POF in awhile to be honest.

 

The only ways I've found to slow things down are to date long distance (this,has it's own pitfalls) or be in a situation outside the dating world in which a guy just so happens to get to know me over time.

 

I truly believe it would've been better had I married a high school sweetheart, not that I had one.

 

I seem to have a lot of strange experiences with men.

[Popsicle]

Just take a break. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break.

 

The real question is would YOU be ok with taking a break?

[Versacehottie]

To be honest, there's not much conversation after he asks for sex. They usually disappear. I've also dealt with guys lying while trying to get sex.

 

In my experience, dating has been mostly about the guy getting sex.

 

I've never used Tinder. I've use POF for dates. I don't post sexy profile pics. In fact, I post mostly headshots or similar poses.

 

I've grown tired of guys wasting my time.

 

On one I hand I understand your frustration and on the other I think you aren't using your power well. I suppose it's disappointing if a guy asks for sex and you of course are looking for a relationship--but if you are finding that out on date one, you are actually much LUCKIER than people who don't find that out until later when their feelings are involved. I agree with whoever said you might have some hangup about it though. Are you trying to say every guy is hitting you up for sex on the first date and literally saying that aloud? It's a little hard to believe that is how that how every date goes down. You would want us to believe that every single guy is acting in a really crude manner. That's rarely been my experience.

 

I think if you are putting all your effort into finding guys through dating sites than it will amplify your feelings and beliefs you are holding tight onto. PoF might be similar to tinder in some ways. My friend was on that and yes some of the messages she got were crude--so much so that it was hilarious--she didn't let it defeat her. In fact, she actually found her bf on tinder. Go figure. The difference is she had given herself the POWER and RESPONSIBILITY for making putting herself in the dating pool work to the best of her ability. You have the power to say no and move on. It's silly to give up on dating completely and let other people dictate your experiences. Change your tactics. You said head shots--then you are an actress? Sure that might get you more of people who don't want to get to know you, only the outside or what you represent. So MAKE them get to know you. Who cares if a guy that just wanted sex disappears? That's not what you want so buh-bye. Don't let guys waste your time. I don't really see it as much of a waste when you are on dates 1-2-3. Every girl no matter the reason it's not her guy goes through this. You have to do it to get to the right one.

 

I think you need a break and a reset but when you are ready to get back out there--try to meet guys in real life, through your friends and hobbies or even work. That way you can feel more confident that they like you for you and it will usually be a slower burn, more genuine, less dismissive process which will help you. good luck

[Versacehottie]

I have to agree that if you present yourself IRL as you do your avatar and screen name, you're probably presenting yourself in a way that suggests you are equally inclined to fall into bed with any penis that comes your way. What is your behavior? I have certainly met men who are after sex straight away, but not EVERY guy and EVERY date. Most men are gentleman. They want the sex...let's not pretend they don't...but not ALL of them are that aggressive about it.

 

You are the common denominator in this equation. What is it about you, your behavior, your style, your dress that makes EVERY guy, every single guy, hot or not, push sex on you on the first meet?

 

Definitely take a break if dating is just becoming a chore. It's always a good time for some self-reflection and to make some positive changes.

 

I agree with you and Gaeta about avatar. On that alone, I think OP doesn't realize what messages and images she is putting out. Nothing wrong with a sexy image but it will reel in a certain type of attention which you might have to swat some of that off to get to genuine people who didn't come to the date for the wrong reasons.

 

If you don't think that avatar has a sexy tilt to it, then you don't understand imaging in which case you might not understand how you are portraying yourself to others. I'm not uptight at all but really good with images and visuals and it is what it is and conveys what it conveys. The fact that the OP can't discern that might be part of the problem. Lack of understanding her output.

 

TBH, i keep saying she needs a break because right now her vibe is super negative and unappealing. If she is putting that out there and only thing she really has going for her is good looks/fit body well yeah the dates are going to be unsuccessful and go in the direction they have. You have to give substance on a date in your own attitude and personality that draws people to you--above and beyond your looks if you want to be treated like gf material. All guys want sex--don't all people basically? Some guys will treat a girl like a queen and make her their gf (and yes they still want sex)--that happens when she is gf material. Find the difference in your behavior. Study up. If this is happening to you with every guy, the commonality is you.

[hotpotato]

I agree with you and Gaeta about avatar. On that alone, I think OP doesn't realize what messages and images she is putting out. Nothing wrong with a sexy image but it will reel in a certain type of attention which you might have to swat some of that off to get to genuine people who didn't come to the date for the wrong reasons.

 

If you don't think that avatar has a sexy tilt to it, then you don't understand imaging in which case you might not understand how you are portraying yourself to others. I'm not uptight at all but really good with images and visuals and it is what it is and conveys what it conveys. The fact that the OP can't discern that might be part of the problem. Lack of understanding her output.

 

TBH, i keep saying she needs a break because right now her vibe is super negative and unappealing. If she is putting that out there and only thing she really has going for her is good looks/fit body well yeah the dates are going to be unsuccessful and go in the direction they have. You have to give substance on a date in your own attitude and personality that draws people to you--above and beyond your looks if you want to be treated like gf material. All guys want sex--don't all people basically? Some guys will treat a girl like a queen and make her their gf (and yes they still want sex)--that happens when she is gf material. Find the difference in your behavior. Study up. If this is happening to you with every guy, the commonality is you.

 

If it's something I'm doing, it's nothing overt. I don't go on dates, cleavage out, red lipstick and act all flirty. It could be that I'm being nice and smiling and guys see that as sexual.

 

As far as sex, I guess I'm just tired of being treated like meat. *shrug* I actually go on dates to date. Most guys don't try to get to know me as well as sex, just the sex usually.

 

My ex and my motorcycle both said I was fun and vibrant. Most guys never see that bc they are so focused on the sex. Also, my swim instructor seemed to like me, but he actually talked to me over a period of time.

[hotpotato]

Just take a break. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break.

 

The real question is would YOU be ok with taking a break?

 

I'm fine with taking a break. My life is really good right now. I can very easily be alone for years, but at this time I could become too settled in my ways.

[preraph]

You're absolutely right. Dating is mostly about the guy getting sex. You're right about the better looking ones being less trouble overall than the desperate ones who will lie or whatever they have to do to get it. I mean, yes, some of the better looking guys may play you for sport just because they can, but at least most of them don't resent you going in because they resent all women because they aren't successful with them.

 

You know, I'm old and I've seen a lot. All I can tell you is you have to find your niche of people who share interests with you. Not to say this will stop guys from cheating, but having a guy who likes you because he thinks you're interesting or fun or cool gets you off to a better start, gets you started with respect, which is very important, respect for who you are. And there may be something left even if the affair fizzles. My biggest problem with niche dating was they thought I was so cool that I'd understand them roaming like tomcats, which I have to admit to some degree I did, but not on my time.

 

Find your people. I had to move states to do it.