My boyfriend's relationship with his female best friend

[pasiamoureusequeca]

I met this guy four months ago. He is sweet and nice and we really like each other. He always repeats that he wants a long-term relationship with me and that I am the best thing that every happened to him. I am taking the relationship more slowly, but I am getting attached to him, except that there is one thing that has been bothering me.

He has friends from both sexes, but he is closer to his female friends. Some are single, others are married. I only met one of them so far, although he met several of my friends.

The one friend I met is married. They meet for dinner in a restaurant and then go to his place for a movie, or visit other places. He always pays the restaurant bills (even the food she takes for her husband), and sounds very enthusiastic when he is to spend the day with her. They are close friends, I get it, but she looks like an attention seeker, and she takes advantage of him. He lends her money, he paid for some of her international touristic trips in the past, and his response is that he is helping since she doesn't work.

When I met her, he was nervous, and was all over her, opening doors, holding her bags, etc. I was not feeling that I was his girlfriend at all. He didn't even kiss me or touch me in her presence.

I talked to him about my feelings. I also pointed out to him that this friend always cancels plans when they involve more than the two of them. We were supposed to meet for dinner with her and her husband, and she cancelled at the last minute. She never met any of his own friends; she always cancels plans when they involve people with him other than her. Yet, she chose to marry another guy. My feeling is that she keeps him for attention and money, but I don't know how or if I should tell him this. I care about him, and feel that he is being used by her.

What is really concerning me is that their friendship is making me unsure whether I should consider a long-term relationship with him. He says he wants to work on this, and acknowledges that he is not being sensitive towards me. I don't feel that prioritizing his girlfriend should be something I ask for or even teach him to do. Please help! thanks!

[d0nnivain]

She sounds like a lousy friend but she pre-dates you in his life & should you chose to move on, she will remain. He enjoys her company for whatever reason. I find it obnoxious that he seemed to treat her better & more attentively when you met her but that still does not automatically mean she's cheating on her husband with your BF, I'd keep my eye on the situation because it certainly makes me question his judgment.

[fieldoflavender]

RED FLAG alert. Get out - sounds like there's way more than just "Friends". Especially if she's married, totally inappropriate. Honestly get out unless he makes real changes. And no you shouldn't have to teach him this - if he can't like you enough to treat you like a girlfriend and her with clear boundaries, unless you are okay with it (doesn't seem like it and to be honest, if you have self-respect you shouldn't be okay with it), then red flag galore.

[lurker74]

I have lots of female friends. And I tend to be nice so I do treat them well and since, stereotypically women are easier to be nice to, it can sometimes look like I'm romantically interested. But I would NEVER disrespect someone I was dating like that by being more solicitous to another woman in front of her.

 

I also would never pay every time if I were out with a female friend because it connotes romantic relationship. Again, very disrespectful to you.

 

Female friends, even very close ones, should be permitted IMO but not relationships that disrespect you or that he puts more energy into that you.

[kendahke]

His relationship with his friend is more important to him than you are. That much is plain as day here. If he cared anything for your feelings and esteem, he would never make you feel like a 5th wheel in front of a friend who is marred to some other man.

 

He gives her this entree into his intimacy--it's not something she's taking from anyone. He is cool with how she proceeds and as long as that's the case, you have no chance. He's aware of how he's behaving and yet he does nothing to curb his behavior to ease your mind. That means: she's a priority, not you. Get with that and things will clear up and not be so confusing.

 

Your relationship, at the 4 month mark, is at the point where weak foundation relationships fail. The "representatives on their best behavior" have been dismissed and the real you/real him come to the fore. The real him needs this relationship with this particular woman--and if her husband hasn't put the kibosh on him paying for various things and his wife draping herself all over him, then no one is going to check your boyfriend and he's going to keep on as he was.

[Gaeta]

You've invested enough time in this to now know this is not the type of man you want. He may be a nice guy otherwise but this *friendship* will ruin what ever qualities he may have.

 

The way he treats this MARRIED female friend is very telling of the type of character he has. Friendship or not, he is paying dinner and trips to a married woman.

[smackie9]

Are you kidding me? They are more than "just friends" or they were lovers before you two met. She has him under her thumb. Get out now!

[pasiamoureusequeca]

In our conversation about their friendship, I asked him whether they dated in the past or if he had tried to date her, but she rejected him. He denied anything other than friendship with her, saying that he has never been interested in anything other than friendship with her.

They met for dinner lately, and he asked me to join. I refused, and I told him that I couldn't accept anymore being treated the way he treated me the first time we were with her. He agreed with me and said I have a valid reason not to join, but he came with her to see me after their dinner (it was a surprise visit), and made it a point to have a lot of PDA with me in her presence.

Even if I am not ending things with him right now, I am still uncomfortable about this friendship. It doesn't look healthy to me, and thank you all for validating my uneasiness about it. I have been completely open with him about my feelings, so I'll see how things progress and will post an update.

Thank you all for your advice. Very helpful in putting things in perspective. I'll be very grateful for more advice too!

[Hopeful30]

What is his cultural background? In my culture (Russian) men always pay for everything as a default. It's not like in the West where it means something. Men always pay. Period. It's family, friends, even co-workers, men pay. Often they feel offended if a woman argues, because he feels she isn't allowing him to fill his manly responsibilities (which he likes because it reinforces his manhood).

 

Other than that though, I don't know what to tell you. I wouldnt be comfortable with that either.

[Highndry]

Not only did you feel like he was treating you poorly in front of her, he acknowledged it. In my opinion, those are grounds to break up with this giant turd. What kind of man would do this to the romantic interest in his life? Not a stand up guy, that's for sure.

[pasiamoureusequeca]

What is his cultural background? In my culture (Russian) men always pay for everything as a default. It's not like in the West where it means something. Men always pay. Period. It's family, friends, even co-workers, men pay. Often they feel offended if a woman argues, because he feels she isn't allowing him to fill his manly responsibilities (which he likes because it reinforces his manhood).

 

Other than that though, I don't know what to tell you. I wouldnt be comfortable with that either.

He has Indian background. I don't know if this is also specific to Indian culture.

[fieldoflavender]

Well if you're not a PDA type of person, then why should your actions catered to her? Honestly just say he has one last chance to put some distance between him and her, and work out some things between you guys. If he can't even distance away from a MARRIED friend for like 1-2 months, then there is your answer. And if he lies or breaks this rule, drop him cold. I would actually just drop him but MAYBE he is that clueless.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I would not be ok w/this situation. Him not acting like your bf is front of her means he prob doesn't want to hurt her feelings and is interested in her. Why is he paying for her??? She has a husband and its not his responsibility to be paying for their outings. If she doesn't have a job, why is she eating out? In this case, I would put my foot down. If he is willing to lose you over her, there is something going on.

[Purrrfect]

I find it so stupid and irritating that some people find having an opposite sex best friend is ok when they are in a relationship. It’s not.

 

Your BF is rude for carrying this on and I think it’s very obvious there was something going on between them at one time or it still is. She’s married so he’s also allowed a side piece and that’s you.

 

The fact he claims she rejected him is a huge red flag. He likely has feelings for her. I find it silly he chases after a woman who is married who supposedly rejected him. Why would you even hang out with a straight guy friend when you are married?

Edited March 19, 2018 by Purrrfect

[newyorker11356]

I find it so stupid and irritating that some people find having an opposite sex best friend is ok when they are in a relationship. It’s not.

 

Your BF is rude for carrying this on and I think it’s very obvious there was something going on between them at one time or it still is. She’s married so he’s also allowed a side piece and that’s you.

 

The fact he claims she rejected him is a huge red flag. He likely has feelings for her. I find it silly he chases after a woman who is married who supposedly rejected him. Why would you even hang out with a straight guy friend when you are married?

 

No, it's perfectly fine if they are JUST friends.

 

In this situation, that doesn't seem to be the case, though.

[pasiamoureusequeca]

I find it so stupid and irritating that some people find having an opposite sex best friend is ok when they are in a relationship. It’s not.

 

Your BF is rude for carrying this on and I think it’s very obvious there was something going on between them at one time or it still is. She’s married so he’s also allowed a side piece and that’s you.

 

The fact he claims she rejected him is a huge red flag. He likely has feelings for her. I find it silly he chases after a woman who is married who supposedly rejected him. Why would you even hang out with a straight guy friend when you are married?

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I had thought that maybe he had had some and she rejected him, instead friendzoning him, but he denied that he had any romantic interest in her in the past.

But I do believe that there is something more than he is willing to admit to me.

[mortensorchid]

SHe sounds like a bad person to begin with, but if he chooses her as his friend despite all of that, just let it be. You don't have to be a part of the relationship, you know what is and is not going on with it, he does as well, and it's not going to change. Just let it be.

[Yomachi]

No, it's perfectly fine if they are JUST friends.

 

In this situation, that doesn't seem to be the case, though.

 

I'm always confused what bisexual people in relationships are supposed to do. Have no friends at all?

 

But yes, I can see why this particular friendship irritates pasiamoureusequeca.

I'm glad the boyfriend acknowledged the problem and took steps to alliviate concerns, just keep the communication going pasiamoureusequeca!

[pasiamoureusequeca]

I'm always confused what bisexual people in relationships are supposed to do. Have no friends at all?

 

But yes, I can see why this particular friendship irritates pasiamoureusequeca.

I'm glad the boyfriend acknowledged the problem and took steps to alliviate concerns, just keep the communication going pasiamoureusequeca!

Thanks for your advice! This is what I am doing right now. I don't think she is cheating on her husband with my BF, but there is definitely some complicated romantic past that he is not willing to share with me yet. She is definitely an attention seeker, and it looks like her husband is fine with this. I am clearly not. I'm giving him another chance, but keeping an eye out on everything. I won't hesitate to break up if things remain the same between them two. I cannot live in a relationship with uneasy feelings or with the sense that my BF is not comfortable sharing the dynamics of his friendship with this woman. If you have something to hide from your SO, chances are this "something" is very wrong.

[Purrrfect]

It’s not normal to have a straight Bff of opposite sex. I’m talking bestie not a friend and if you have one the friendship normally dissolves a bit to focus on your relationship.

 

It’s obvious these 2 are more than friends

 

 

No, it's perfectly fine if they are JUST friends.

 

In this situation, that doesn't seem to be the case, though.

[pasiamoureusequeca]

It’s not normal to have a straight Bff of opposite sex. I’m talking bestie not a friend and if you have one the friendship normally dissolves a bit to focus on your relationship.

 

It’s obvious these 2 are more than friends

I agree with you, but since we have known each other for four months only, and he has known her for a long time, I am thinking that I cannot expect them to stop seeing each other all of a sudden. The fact that she does not work allows her a lot of free time, and she is available (and she lets him know that she wants) to meet him regularly. Once they meet, she spends almost the entire day/evening with him: eating out, watching a movie at his place, visiting places, etc. Before meeting her, he had not asked me to join, but now when they meet he does. I am usually busy when they meet, and honestly I don't feel spending a lot of time with her. We are reaching a point where he has to tell me what's going on with her. Before posting my question on this forum, my gut feeling was that something must be going on between them. Now after getting so many helpful responses here, I am more convinced that my suspicions are not wrong, and I am going to let him know about them. I'll post an update when I have one, and will always welcome more advice and responses.

[happyhusband0005]

I don't know this is tricky. I have many female friends with no sexual attachment what so ever. I often pay for them because I have plenty of money. I get together with them with out my wife or their husband present.

 

But him treating you differently in her presence is concerning. What do you think of her as a person. It could just be he enjoys the relationship and since they don't get together often he over compensates.

 

I will say if I am out with females friends (mine my wife's or mutual) I always pick up the tab. Simple reason I have the money and am happy to treat. They are my friends, they know I am well off. If their husbands were there I would still treat.

[pasiamoureusequeca]

I don't know this is tricky. I have many female friends with no sexual attachment what so ever. I often pay for them because I have plenty of money. I get together with them with out my wife or their husband present.

 

But him treating you differently in her presence is concerning. What do you think of her as a person. It could just be he enjoys the relationship and since they don't get together often he over compensates.

 

I will say if I am out with females friends (mine my wife's or mutual) I always pick up the tab. Simple reason I have the money and am happy to treat. They are my friends, they know I am well off. If their husbands were there I would still treat.

He works and she doesn't, which puts him in a relatively better place financially, but he is not well off. In fact, I don't let him pay all the time we go out. I either pay, offer to split, or buy him things in return. I cannot really say what kind of person she is, since we met twice briefly and he doesn't talk about her a lot. But the first time we met and when he was all over her, she would react with such compliments as "you're such a gentleman" and things like that.

I am kind and loving with my BF, but I prefer to be honest and not have to stroke his ego in return for favors, and for this reason I cannot accept that he pays for me whenever we go out. The fact that she doesn't mind him paying for her, and pays back in compliments made me uneasy about her. Plus, she is doing this with a guy I am in a relationship with and who likes her reaction, which made me question a long-term relationship with him.