Should I apologize to an ex?

[kakoy]

Work has been very stressful recently and it occurred to me that I was rude when I broke up with this guy I was dating 1.5 months ago when we broke up since I was really stressed at that time.

 

Is it selfish of me to text or call him to apologize for my behavior?

[smackie9]

It's not selfish, why would it be? Put yourself in their shoes first...how would you look at it as?

[Gaeta]

Depends, if it hurt him then better to leave him alone then to re-open a wound. You want to apologize to ease your guilt, not really to make him feel better.

[kendahke]

Work has been very stressful recently and it occurred to me that I was rude when I broke up with this guy I was dating 1.5 months ago when we broke up since I was really stressed at that time.

 

Is it selfish of me to text or call him to apologize for my behavior?

 

No, but if your motivation is to machine a certain outcome, it could be.

 

Apologize because you were rude, not because you're trying to get a date.

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I don't want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, unless its a "booty call"...

[kakoy]

Ugh, I know part of it is guilt. It would have been an amicable breakup if I didn’t say some stuff I didn’t mean. I now realize how that I had tunnel vision and took some of my stress out on him which is why I want to apologize. So, I don’t think it would open old wounds.

 

At this point, I decided I am not staying in my current area after a year and a half. So, no point in reconciliation, so no machination here. I have guys I can see causally if I want to date causally.

 

So, i guess text is better. Then he can read it and ignore me?

 

ETA: maybe i shouldn’t. Ugh, wish I remain ignorant.

Edited March 14, 2018 by kakoy

[Gaeta]

Ugh, I know part of it is guilt. It would have been an amicable breakup if I didn’t say some stuff I didn’t mean. I now realize how that I had tunnel vision and took some of my stress out on him which is why I want to apologize. So, I don’t think it would open old wounds.

 

At this point, I decided I am not staying in my current area after a year and a half. So, no point in reconciliation, so no machination here. I have guys I can see causally if I want to date causally.

 

So, i guess text is better. Then he can read it and ignore me?

 

ETA: maybe i shouldn’t. Ugh, wish I remain ignorant.

 

 

You can send an apology text but don't leave any vague opening for him to think you might be interested in getting back in touch.

[d0nnivain]

Don't do it. Make a small charitable donation to something you care about as an atonement but leave him alone.

 

 

Some guy you only dated for a brief time doesn't give a flying fig several weeks later about you being rude or regretting your actions. From his perspective, you rejected him. He doesn't need or want your pity now.

[Gaeta]

Don't do it. Make a small charitable donation to something you care about as an atonement but leave him alone.

 

 

Some guy you only dated for a brief time doesn't give a flying fig several weeks later about you being rude or regretting your actions. From his perspective, you rejected him. He doesn't need or want your pity now.

 

Not sure of that, how many people we see on here that cannot let go of a short fling and keep wondering what they did wrong and what else they could have done to keep the girl.

[d0nnivain]

Not sure of that, how many people we see on here that cannot let go of a short fling and keep wondering what they did wrong and what else they could have done to keep the girl.

 

 

But she's not offering a different outcome. She's only lamenting that she wishes she had been more polite when breaking things off. Her calling to apologize for being rude won't get him those answers

[Gaeta]

But she's not offering a different outcome. She's only lamenting that she wishes she had been more polite when breaking things off. Her calling to apologize for being rude won't get him those answers

 

It will give him the confirmation he's done nothing wrong, she was going through a bad phase that had nothing to do with him.

[Popsicle]

This is a tough one but I'm going to have to go with donnivan. Leave him alone.

 

I think when people want apologies and "closure" and stuff it's less about them and more about wanting the dumper to try to get back with them. They may turn them down but still, they want the attempt to make themselves feel better. If you're not offering that, then you'll just open an old wound for him, even though it's clearing your conscious.

[Happy Lemming]

Don't do it. Make a small charitable donation to something you care about as an atonement but leave him alone.

 

d0nnivain you have the BEST ideas and suggestions.

 

Recently, I made a small donation to a local food bank. It was kind of "an atonement" type situation. I figured it might fix my Karma. Moreover, for every dollar I donate, they can turn that into 7 meals. So, a lot of people had a meal on me and I fixed my Karma.

[kakoy]

It will give him the confirmation he's done nothing wrong, she was going through a bad phase that had nothing to do with him.

 

Thank you, Gates and d0nnivain. Been here for a while now and I always respected you both’s perspective .

 

Will admit, my goal in apologizing is completely selfish now that I am more aware and I have always been taught to apologize when I am wrong.

 

If he asks, I will tell him what went wrong. But I will delete his number after the text and leave the poor guy alone.

 

Assuming, I am texting him.

[Popsicle]

Thank you, Gates and d0nnivain. Been here for a while now and I always respected you both’s perspective .

 

Will admit, my goal in apologizing is completely selfish now that I am more aware and I have always been taught to apologize when I am wrong.

 

If he asks, I will tell him what went wrong. But I will delete his number after the text and leave the poor guy alone.

 

Assuming, I am texting him.

 

Your parents taught you well and you have good intentions, so you're a good person. :)

[d0nnivain]

I just fear that when you tell him what went wrong, he will say something heartbreaking like "I can fix that". Then you will have to hurt him all over again.

 

 

You have to live with yourself & look yourself in the mirror, so absolutely do what you think is best.

[kakoy]

I just fear that when you tell him what went wrong, he will say something heartbreaking like "I can fix that". Then you will have to hurt him all over again.

 

 

You have to live with yourself & look yourself in the mirror, so absolutely do what you think is best.

 

Ugh. Lol, you really know where to hit me. I would never intentionally hurt him, so maybe I shouldn’t. But then this would eat away at me....

 

I could just tell him I am not staying and he needs to be here to finish his training, so that is not fixable. I am not going to tell him that he is too shy or hesitant when making moves. THAT would be hurtful. Honestly, I think he is over it since it was pretty amicable until I let my mouth run....

 

If I do text him, should I tell him that I am deleting his number and that I won’t Bother him again?

[kakoy]

Your parents taught you well and you have good intentions, so you're a good person. :)

 

My parents are amazing; I will never live up to them. Thank you! I try but not always successful in being a good person.

 

And I will make a donation as d0nnivain suggest for all the dumb things I have done.

[Gaeta]

I would not tell him what went wrong.

 

I would simply tell him I feel remorseful for the poor way I carried myself and he didn't deserved the words I said and wish him the very best.

 

In better English of course :-)

[Zahara]

Ugh. Lol, you really know where to hit me. I would never intentionally hurt him, so maybe I shouldn’t. But then this would eat away at me....

 

I could just tell him I am not staying and he needs to be here to finish his training, so that is not fixable. I am not going to tell him that he is too shy or hesitant when making moves. THAT would be hurtful. Honestly, I think he is over it since it was pretty amicable until I let my mouth run....

If I do text him, should I tell him that I am deleting his number and that I won’t Bother him again?

 

Don't project as to how he may feel. Seeing that he is fairly insecure, personally I'd stay away. I think contact would likely cause more harm than good. And you're already being dramatic with the "deleting his number and won't bother him again and why you are not staying and what he needs to do" approach.

 

You broke up with him. All that stuff is irrelevant. If you're apologizing -- apologize for your behavior and wish him well.

[Gaeta]

If I do text him, should I tell him that I am deleting his number and that I won’t Bother him again?

 

No that's passive aggressive. Just wish him luck.

[Popsicle]

My parents are amazing; I will never live up to them. Thank you! I try but not always successful in being a good person.

 

And I will make a donation as d0nnivain suggest for all the dumb things I have done.

 

I really admire you for apologizing or at least wanting to apologize. Do you know how many people don't even do that?! They just blame the other person or something else or become a coward.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Depends, if it hurt him then better to leave him alone then to re-open a wound. You want to apologize to ease your guilt, not really to make him feel better.

 

Absolutely thank you for stating the obvious. Be very clear about your motives. My ex broke up with me over the phone. He was never really invested. It was a shame. He was my first proper boyfriend in thirteen and a half years. You could tell I was overly excited and enthusiastic. Somebody wanted me. Finally.

 

But when I tried to run around after him and ask for at least sit-down and ask him why he thought it was appropriate to break up with me over the phone. He wouldn't give me that opportunity. I wrote him off and got on with my life.

Five months later he texts me to ask if we could catch up. I asked him directly I needed to know why and what for. I told him I thought it was definitely over and I said I needed to know what he wanted out of it. I told him I was suspicious and quite honestly didn't trust him.

He told me he wanted to apologise for hurting me. I thought finally. But now? He then told me he wanted to do it before he moved to a different city up north. Great, I thought.

When we met he finally let out that he had a new girlfriend.

 

Fantastic. I learnt a few things that night a. He wanted to apologise on his terms b. He wanted to do it conveniently and quickly before he moved to another city and c. Rub it in my face he had moved on with someone.

 

Id writes him an email. If your ex-asks to meet up then possibly meet up, and do it by his terms only. After all, it's you owing him an apology. But I would just email him. Keeps you both safe. But not all apologies are sincere. And you have to make sure you're doing it from a sincere place.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher

[Popsicle]

Absolutely thank you for stating the obvious. Be very clear about your motives. My ex broke up with me over the phone. He was never really invested. It was a shame. He was my first proper boyfriend in thirteen and a half years. You could tell I was overly excited and enthusiastic. Somebody wanted me. Finally.

 

But when I tried to run around after him and ask for at least sit-down and ask him why he thought it was appropriate to break up with me over the phone. He wouldn't give me that opportunity. I wrote him off and got on with my life.

Five months later he texts me to ask if we could catch up. I asked him directly I needed to know why and what for. I told him I thought it was definitely over and I said I needed to know what he wanted out of it. I told him I was suspicious and quite honestly didn't trust him.

He told me he wanted to apologise for hurting me. I thought finally. But now? He then told me he wanted to do it before he moved to a different city up north. Great, I thought.

When we met he finally let out that he had a new girlfriend.

 

Fantastic. I learnt a few things that night a. He wanted to apologise on his terms b. He wanted to do it conveniently and quickly before he moved to another city and c. Rub it in my face he had moved on with someone.

 

Id writes him an email. If your ex-asks to meet up then possibly meet up, and do it by his terms only. After all, it's you owing him an apology. But I would just email him. Keeps you both safe. But not all apologies are sincere. And you have to make sure you're doing it from a sincere place.

 

This is useful information. Thanks for sharing.

My guess is only about 5% of the population would get an apology like that 100% right though.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

This is useful information. Thanks for sharing.

My guess is only about 5% of the population would get an apology like that 100% right though.

 

It really hurts when a guy that you have invested in and got googly-eyed over treats you casually. I don't think he really meant his apology. I think he just did it because he knew he "owed" me one and he was moving up soon. He was a coward through and through. I don't think many break up apologies are ever truly sincere. People do it to clear their own conscience.