Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 I have been seeing this great guy for about two months now. Never have to worry about him cheating or interested in other girls, he’s very sweet, attentive and we equally make plans with eachother (the same amount). We are in college and both very broke so it isnt often that we go out on dates-there isn’t much to do in the small town we are in either (literally 3 restaurants, and a walmart, that’s about it). He introduces me as his girl to his friends, talks to me and makes plans like I’m his girlfriend, and when we are together it feels as if we are official. We had never previously established what we both wanted out of a relationship, and the other day I asked him if he wanted a relationship. He said thats his plan, is to be in a relationship with me, but he is not emotionally ready (scared) to be in a relationship yet because his ex was very emotionally abusive and controlling (has been 2 years since he’s been in one). I’ve been out of a relationship for 6 months and had the same experience, with someone emotionally abusive, but I am ready to date. He is a senior in college and very much wants someone who is understanding that he needs space to spend time with friends before he leaves, which I have shown him I am very understanding because I too want a healthy, balanced relationship. What I’m wondering is, is this bull**** and he will never commit, or should I trust him when he says he’s planning and wanting the relationship, just not yet? It is hard for me to grasp what the big deal/difference would be, but I don’t want to push him. For me, I want the title to feel fully comfortable, which is my own personal preference. We both know the relationship would have to become long distance soon but that does not seem to be an issue for him as far as I know. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 To some extent it's just a label. However graduation is looming so things will get tougher when he enters the real world & you two are far apart. Personally I would enjoy the time you have together now & revisit the issue once he graduates with the expectation that his unwillingness to give you that label now could very well mean he's unwilling to entertain an LDR after graduation. However, give the short length of time we're talking mid March to mod June your life isn't going to be upended because he isn't your BF come next Fall. If the pessimist in me is wrong & he does stick around, the lack of a label now is of no long term consequence, now is it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 He said thats his plan, is to be in a relationship with me, but he is not emotionally ready (scared) to be in a relationship yet because his ex was very emotionally abusive and controlling (has been 2 years since he’s been in one). You'll find 2 different philosophies on this one. Group 1 will say it's only been 2 months so give him time. Group 2 will say *not ready* = * not ready with you *. I tend to be with group 2. Your boyfriend isn't ready to date seriously and being accountable toward another person. As he said he's still suffering from his last relationship. Usually we don't date people that are still suffering from their past. The trap is if you date them it makes them feel good, you become the balm on their wounds while they heel. The risk is when they're all heeled and ready to date and have *official girlfriends* it's rarely with the good girl that stood by them through it all. He's broken, he's going away soon, the chances of your relationship to grow stronger are slim. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 You'll find 2 different philosophies on this one. Group 1 will say it's only been 2 months so give him time. Group 2 will say *not ready* = * not ready with you *. I tend to be with group 2. Your boyfriend isn't ready to date seriously and being accountable toward another person. As he said he's still suffering from his last relationship. Usually we don't date people that are still suffering from their past. The trap is if you date them it makes them feel good, you become the balm on their wounds while they heel. The risk is when they're all heeled and ready to date and have *official girlfriends* it's rarely with the good girl that stood by them through it all. He's broken, he's going away soon, the chances of your relationship to grow stronger are slim. So him saying what he’s wanting is a relationship eventually is false? It does seem like things are going great, and I know it’s just a label and he is committed without the title. But I eventually would like the title. Our mutual friend believes I should trust what he’s saying and let it happen at his pace, because 2 months is very quick. By the time he graduates it will Have been 4 months and that’s how long I’m going to wait. I have never had a real struggle with LDR but I’m not sure if this is something I should bring up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 My only thought is, is that I asked what he was wanting, and he told me what he wanted but he is not 100% ready yet. Is that always just fake or could he be genuine? I’ve dealt with this before, and it turned Badly, but he had never told me he wanted a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) I have been seeing this great guy for about two months now. Never have to worry about him cheating or interested in other girls, he’s very sweet, attentive and we equally make plans with eachother (the same amount). <snip> and the other day I asked him if he wanted a relationship. He said thats his plan, is to be in a relationship with me, but he is not emotionally ready (scared) to be in a relationship yet because his ex was very emotionally abusive and controlling (has been 2 years since he’s been in one). Well then this is a pretty easy one. You did the right thing in asking about being exclusive. You indicated your desire without seeming like you were trying to force it on him. That is the woman's job to do that, that is feminine energy. He said he wasn't ready yet, so give him the time he needs. Now keep in mind that since you aren't exclusive yet, it is still casual dating, so that means both of you have the freedom to legitimately see other people. You may choose not to exercise that but both of you need to understand that you can if you want to. That realization may be all that is needed to get him to put his fear aside and move forward. If he feels he already has 100% of you without giving 100% of himself, do the math. You know, "Why buy the cow when you get the...." Edited March 13, 2018 by PRW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 So him saying what he’s wanting is a relationship eventually is false? It does seem like things are going great, and I know it’s just a label and he is committed without the title. But I eventually would like the title. Our mutual friend believes I should trust what he’s saying and let it happen at his pace, because 2 months is very quick. By the time he graduates it will Have been 4 months and that’s how long I’m going to wait. I have never had a real struggle with LDR but I’m not sure if this is something I should bring up with him. No, I don't believe he is lying to you. I believe he is saying what he is feeling in the moment. Today he feels like one day he will want an official relationship with you. Maybe tomorrow he'll feel something else. I agree if you are not exclusive then you should not act like you are. Right now you are giving him all the security of an exclusive relationship without being exclusive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Well then this is a pretty easy one. You did the right thing in asking about being exclusive. You indicated your desire without seeming like you were trying to force it on him. That is the woman's job to do that, that is feminine energy. He said he wasn't ready yet, so give him the time he needs. Others would say it's a man's job as the man is the hunter, women cannot pin them down unless the desire (to be pinned down) comes from the hunter himself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) the guy whose quote is my tag line just put a video up yesterday on YT discussing this very thing--it has to do with being afraid of seeming needy when asking for what you want. You should look it up and really listen to what he's saying. Edited March 13, 2018 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) We had never previously established what we both wanted out of a relationship, and the other day I asked him if he wanted a relationship. He said thats his plan, is to be in a relationship with me, but he is not emotionally ready (scared) to be in a relationship yet because his ex was very emotionally abusive and controlling (has been 2 years since he’s been in one). If he isn't over what his ex did to him by now, that means he's still emotionally holding on to her and that's why he won't make that kind of space--because calling you his girlfriend means to him that he's emotionally done with her--and he's clearly not if he's saying this. So, basically, he wants you to put it on ice and be available for when the day comes where he gets around to putting his ex on ice. You got that kind of time to be waiting around, twiddling your thumbs, for a casual thing? We've all been hurt--he's not special in that regard. He's holding out hope and keeping a place in his intimacy for her and that's why he won't let you in all the way. My only thought is, is that I asked what he was wanting, and he told me what he wanted but he is not 100% ready yet. Is that always just fake or could he be genuine? I’ve dealt with this before, and it turned Badly, but he had never told me he wanted a relationship You have to be OK with his timetable for this to have any chance-- it may take more time that you are prepared to spend because until his ex is well and truly buried in his heart and mind, you're never going to have a full on relationship with him. Edited March 13, 2018 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 emotionally, I wouldn't invest too much in this garden-variety college romance 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 I loved that video, just watched. I did express what I was wanting out of a relationship and he said he was glad we were on the same page, but he just needed more time. Is this guy worth the wait, or does this situation always turn out bad for me in the end? I dont know about the playing the field, that is not like me or him at all, and neither of us are interested in games like that (he literally went to Daytona for SB and was texting constantly that he couldnt wait to get home to me, wished he was with me). I guess what I'm asking is, how do I not give all of the goods away now? To me, I feel like that makes it worse bc that will cause trust to be lost and interest. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 I loved that video, just watched. I did express what I was wanting out of a relationship and he said he was glad we were on the same page, but he just needed more time. Is this guy worth the wait, or does this situation always turn out bad for me in the end? I dont know about the playing the field, that is not like me or him at all, and neither of us are interested in games like that (he literally went to Daytona for SB and was texting constantly that he couldnt wait to get home to me, wished he was with me). I guess what I'm asking is, how do I not give all of the goods away now? To me, I feel like that makes it worse bc that will cause trust to be lost and interest. Good. I'm glad you watched. Watch a few more while you're there. By telling him that until the day comes where he's ready to make that move, that you are treating this as a casual/friend type of thing---and uncouple because as long as you go along, you'll be led on and hope is the worst thing to base anything on because the day may never come where he moves off of this mindset, especially if he's still grinding an axe over his ex. I don't think it's worth waiting for--especially since things are going to be is massive flux within 2 months, anyway, with graduation and getting out in the real world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 So there is really no situation where this ends up well? I was planning on trusting him and giving him until graduation. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 After two months? He is just enjoying the here and now, no plans for the future and he really doesn't want to tell you this for scaring you off....no I wouldn't wait it out, or invest emotionally. I know you have hope, but from my experience don't. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 If he isn't over what his ex did to him by now, that means he's still emotionally holding on to her and that's why he won't make that kind of space--because calling you his girlfriend means to him that he's emotionally done with her--and he's clearly not if he's saying this. You have to be OK with his timetable for this to have any chance-- it may take more time that you are prepared to spend because until his ex is well and truly buried in his heart and mind, you're never going to have a full on relationship with him. He told me it isnt about still having feelings or wanting her, its making sure that the same thing wont happen again. He wants to feel more comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ktsoph Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 Smackie, is two months a long time? most people need 3-4..... Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 women cannot pin them down unless the desire (to be pinned down) comes from the hunter himself. Correct but you came in the back door. It is the women's job originally to seek exclusivity because it is in their nature,...part of the "nurturing" aspect and wanting to secure a home for the children. However in today's society it is the woman's job for practical reasons because the man would try it to soon. The "hunter" is too eager. Our current society has men so screwed up they are like a bunch of impulsive insecure immature children that want to "lockdown" the woman to be "theirs" before they know how to correctly spell her last name because they are afraid some other guy might take her away. Being the hunter means being "the provider", and that is fading fast too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Smackie, is two months a long time? most people need 3-4..... I got my ex to commit to me in 2 to 3 weeks of seeing each other. 2 months in my book is plenty of time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 I got my ex to commit to me in 2 to 3 weeks of seeing each other. but you're exceptional HiCrunchy Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 You'll find 2 different philosophies on this one. Group 1 will say it's only been 2 months so give him time. Group 2 will say *not ready* = * not ready with you *. I tend to be with group 2. Your boyfriend isn't ready to date seriously and being accountable toward another person. As he said he's still suffering from his last relationship. Usually we don't date people that are still suffering from their past. The trap is if you date them it makes them feel good, you become the balm on their wounds while they heel. The risk is when they're all heeled and ready to date and have *official girlfriends* it's rarely with the good girl that stood by them through it all. He's broken, he's going away soon, the chances of your relationship to grow stronger are slim. I am on group 2's side as well. I have had guys pull this kind of stuff way too often on me, so whenever I hear someone else going through it, I tend to lean on them being full of crap. If someone wants you, they will be w/you period. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 I always advocate the same thing in a similar situation as this. Keep him on the backburner and stay in touch if you like him, but continue dating other people. Don't invest all your emotions into this guy. If he comes around, cool. If not, then you're still going out on dates with other people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hercules22 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 You'll find 2 different philosophies on this one. Group 1 will say it's only been 2 months so give him time. Group 2 will say *not ready* = * not ready with you *. I tend to be with group 2. Your boyfriend isn't ready to date seriously and being accountable toward another person. As he said he's still suffering from his last relationship. Usually we don't date people that are still suffering from their past. The trap is if you date them it makes them feel good, you become the balm on their wounds while they heel. The risk is when they're all heeled and ready to date and have *official girlfriends* it's rarely with the good girl that stood by them through it all. He's broken, he's going away soon, the chances of your relationship to grow stronger are slim. i agree with group 2 women do this to us guys aswell it has happened to me i knew it was bad to stick around so i went no contact she came back in contact after not talking for a long time but ended up going hot and cold on me and that just annoyed me to much . She ended up with someone else anyway as expected 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 There's way too much uncertainty of future. He's going to graduate in two months, and where is he going from there? Long distance is likely. He doesn't have solid footing and I suspect he doesn't need or want a relationship getting in the way. He may not want the long distance thing, and he may be so engrossed in building his career, he doesn't want the extra responsibility. If you're going to work, it's going to work, whether or not you get a label now. You've presented your feelings. It's still really early with an uncertain future or where he'll be six months from now. You seem to have something pretty good without the official label. It's bothersome to me that after two years, he's still so wounded over his ex. It seems he's broken and can't move on. Everybody is scared. Relationships are a risk. I don't know that he still harbors feelings for his ex, whether resentment or love, but with so much uncertainty of his future right now...what he's going to do after graduation...it's probably hard to get fully involved in a relationship, even if it's just a label. You can ride it out and enjoy your time for what it is, or break it off. Date others...and if you do, he might dump you...so you need to decide what's best for you. If he can't offer what you want, you need to question if this is worth continuing or if this will change in the future, and how much are you going to invest in a "maybe." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 but you're exceptional HiCrunchy Really? How come? People act like committing to someone is like saying "I do" and sharing all ur financial aspects and planning the next 20 years. I just see it as focusing on one person right now. Why does it take people so long 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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