CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I have a friend who is a divorced parent dating someone who has never been married, and never had kids, and in fact is surgically incapable of having kids, and has been for many years (on purpose). The childless person in this coupling is in their early fifties. The divorced parent is mid forties and kids are school aged. Kids have involved mother and father who share custody 50/50 and are on good terms. If you would say "no way" to becoming involved with someone like this, knowing you will never have children of your own (but not necessarily "disliking" kids), what would be your reasons? Would you ever even start dating someone like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 As somebody who never had kids (I like kids, have nephews and nieces who I really enjoy), my biggest reason is the major time suck. I'd rather be with somebody who doesn't have that responsibility, because that means we can do whatever in the world we want. Also, it seems the lives of people who have children are dominated by child related activities. Everything is based upon whether or not it's kid friendly, etc., and mostly geared towards them. Lastly, there's the "ex" factor. When there are kids involved, that person is never going to be far away, and that could be annoying depending upon the circumstances of the breakup. All that being said, it's not always realistic to find somebody who doesn't have kids. I'd date women with kids - I have, though it's been rare. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) It's quite simple for me. The kids aren't mine. My best friend married a guy with children and says she regrets it but loves her own but feels indifferent towards her husband's children. Edited March 10, 2018 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I really don't see the issue anymore - everyone says it's a time suck where the kids will have priority when they would rather be with that person and they can't give it to them. Or the kids are behaved badly, or whatever the case may be, but then again I am just an idiot I suppose. All the guys I have been with rebounded after dumping me and some of them ended up with a woman who has kids. So I see no logic in their thinking either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 (edited) My ideal is a man with older children, like 16+ and somewhat independent to fully independent. I like that a man has had kids, esp if he participated in taking care of them, I think it teaches you something. But I prefer that they now be on the own or well on their way to being on their own. Empty nesters is what I like. Edited March 10, 2018 by Popsicle 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 As somebody who never had kids (I like kids, have nephews and nieces who I really enjoy), my biggest reason is the major time suck. I'd rather be with somebody who doesn't have that responsibility, because that means we can do whatever in the world we want. Also, it seems the lives of people who have children are dominated by child related activities. Everything is based upon whether or not it's kid friendly, etc., and mostly geared towards them. Lastly, there's the "ex" factor. When there are kids involved, that person is never going to be far away, and that could be annoying depending upon the circumstances of the breakup. All that being said, it's not always realistic to find somebody who doesn't have kids. I'd date women with kids - I have, though it's been rare. Does it matter or not if the woman you date only has her kids 50% of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 I probably should have added that the childless person in this relationship just ended the relationship after several (like 8?) months of dating.....because they decided they just can't "do the kid thing." (Never met the kids) Says they are "falling in love," though . Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 My ideal is a man with older children, like 16+ and somewhat independent to fully independent. I like that a man has had kids, esp if he participated in taking care of them, I think it teaches you something. But I prefer that they now be on the own or well on their way to being on their own. Empty nesters is what I like. You know, you've just unlocked something for me (it's just the way you said it!). The penny's just dropped that out of a thousand other reasons why I don't put myself in a position where I could be dating is that I don't want a man to worry about not being a priority, so I've been partly unconsciously waiting for my kids to grow up. The little one's 8 so I have another 8 years at least! Thanks Popsicle! (and sorry CO for the thread diversion). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 10, 2018 Author Share Posted March 10, 2018 You know, you've just unlocked something for me (it's just the way you said it!). The penny's just dropped that out of a thousand other reasons why I don't put myself in a position where I could be dating is that I don't want a man to worry about not being a priority, so I've been partly unconsciously waiting for my kids to grow up. The little one's 8 so I have another 8 years at least! Thanks Popsicle! (and sorry CO for the thread diversion). Oh, no, don't apologize! I welcome it! And what you said actually is relevant, to me anyway, because seeing my friend go through this has really revealed a lot to me about myself, too. So I appreciate what you said and learned about yourself . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 You know, you've just unlocked something for me (it's just the way you said it!). The penny's just dropped that out of a thousand other reasons why I don't put myself in a position where I could be dating is that I don't want a man to worry about not being a priority, so I've been partly unconsciously waiting for my kids to grow up. The little one's 8 so I have another 8 years at least! Thanks Popsicle! (and sorry CO for the thread diversion). Glad I could help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I don't know if I fall in the category of the personal preferences you are seeking, but for me, I'm just done with it. I'm a late 40s woman who has birthed and raised two children who are teens/young adult. I'm still fertile, as far as I know, but I have an IUD in place, hoping it carries me to menopause. My baby making days are over, and I don't want more unless they come in the form of grandchildren, and that had better not happen anytime soon. My young adult children can fend for themselves, have jobs, have transportation, can feed themselves, cook when they have the inclination without burning the house down, do their own laundry assist with dishes (although sporadically), and even run a vacuum once in awhile. I don't have to deal with babysitters, before and after school care, bath time, homework, driving to various activities, all the birthday parties that require time and money, play dates, potty training, bed wetting, vomit and snot, parent-teacher night, and I will be thrilled if I never have to deal with the crazy-making of a hormonal preteen/teenage female ever again. Teens have the potential to be nightmares. I really thought Karma would kick my a** with my teens, and I thank my lucky stars my teens have been great. I wasn't a horrible teen, but my parents got some gray hairs over it. I absolutely do not want to deal with a troubled, rebellious teen. No and no. I haven't had to deal with adult children yet. Adult children have the potential of being a basket of crazy. My stepfather had adult children. The relationship of my mom with his adult children wasn't easy. Now, my mom is also a bit of a...possibly narcissist, borderline personality?...she's an angry nutjob all by herself, so I don't know where to gauge these adult child/stepmother relationships, but I've read and heard some horror stories over adult children and their parents and dating and marriage. I would not date anyone with children who are too young or too irresponsible to be left home alone. Sixth grade (11-12) is about as young as I'd go, I think. This friend of yours probably understands that the older you get, the harder it is to find someone childless, whether by choice or circumstance, and he has to be willing to take on the role of "father," whether the children be very young or older. If he doesn't want to take on the task (and we're talking potential grandbabies here as well), he needs to move on. This is the kit and kaboodle, a package deal, take it or leave it. Are there issues that your friend is experiencing that's prompting your post? Or just curiosity? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I probably should have added that the childless person in this relationship just ended the relationship after several (like 8?) months of dating.....because they decided they just can't "do the kid thing." (Never met the kids) Says they are "falling in love," though . I would think that 8 months into a relationship and "falling in love," things are serious enough that the man would be more incorporated into the family way...just meet and spend time together; not take on the role of parenting necessarily, but he's over for dinner and movie, they all go out for some goofy-golfing or bowling or Peter Piper Pizza, he attends some of the games or recitals. Is this a future stepfather or just a side-piece? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Speaking as a 58 yr old, I don't want to date anyone with children under foot. Meaning, they have to be grown, out of the house and living independently or with the other parent. My reason: I've already raise all the children I intend on raising. I didn't date when my daughter was a child.. I focused on rearing her. I don't mind grandchildren coming to spend the day or weekend and then go home with their parent, but I'm not signing on to rear children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 Does it matter or not if the woman you date only has her kids 50% of the time? That would obviously free up more time, so it could be more doable. I've just found that people with kids have kids on the brain. It's all about kids, it dominates their lives, as well it should. Also, I would never date a bad mom. There is nothing more unattractive than a person who abuses kids or animals, or treats them poorly. But I'd date a mom, I would, I would just prefer a woman without kids if given the choice, but that's only because I don't have them. If I did, I'd probably prefer a woman with kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 No one wants to be evil step parent. Also, some parents and kids are too attached! I dated a man with a child. Long story short, his situation with his (adult) child was one reason we broke up. Keep in mind things can happen, like the other parent becoming incapacitated or even dying. I didn't know,at the time, but ex's daughters maternal grandma was dying. I guess that's a reason she was always with us! He told me she only spent 1/2 of weekends with him. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I want a relationship, not be someone's parent. Plus I don't like kids that's why I never had them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 I would think that 8 months into a relationship and "falling in love," things are serious enough that the man would be more incorporated into the family way...just meet and spend time together; not take on the role of parenting necessarily, but he's over for dinner and movie, they all go out for some goofy-golfing or bowling or Peter Piper Pizza, he attends some of the games or recitals. Is this a future stepfather or just a side-piece? She wants him to be a future step-father and was at the point of him meeting the kids, but now he's freaking out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 Keep in mind things can happen, like the other parent becoming incapacitated or even dying. Ha! This is actually something he brought up to my friend. She said, "I've been praying for him to die for over a year now....trust me, it's not happening!" (She's mostly kidding....her ex is an involved dad!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Would you ever even start dating someone like this? women who have kids make sure that you know you'll never be #1 in their lives. That honor goes to their kids. If you enjoy playing second or third fiddle then by all means date women with kids 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 T I've just found that people with kids have kids on the brain. As a mom, I can attest this is true, if you're a good mom anyway. And it doesn't even stop when they aren't little anymore because there are just new worries....driving, dating, grades, college prep...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 women who have kids make sure that you know you'll never be #1 in their lives. That honor goes to their kids. If you enjoy playing second or third fiddle then by all means date women with kids Well, there are plenty of women who would still make you number one in their lives.....watch Dr. Phil any day of the week and you'll see that..... Good parents make sure their kids are their priority until they reach adulthood, for sure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Ha! This is actually something he brought up to my friend. She said, "I've been praying for him to die for over a year now....trust me, it's not happening!" (She's mostly kidding....her ex is an involved dad!) Oh, that happened to my ex's brother. He had 5 kids by a wife. They split, and he got a new lady. His ex wife died... It's not that farfetched. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 Oh, that happened to my ex's brother. He had 5 kids by a wife. They split, and he got a new lady. His ex wife died... It's not that farfetched. It's really not. I have a guy friend who this happened to also. Now he's a single father of two girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I always knew I didn't want kids. The sacrifices involved just weren't worth it to me and I never had that emotional drive to have them. I have dated men with kids and had to constantly plan my time around his kids. I understand that kids come first but I want to come first Also, in all of my cases ex W would suddenly get manipulative when hearing that I was in the picture and would start inventing kid emergencies when she knew or could guess that we had romantic weekend planned. It was tiring to deal with. I suspect that women do this more than men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Having kids around a lot is a killjoy if they're not yours. It takes a lot of flirtiness and spontaneity out of the relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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