I'm thinking about cancelling my date

[JimmyNYC]

I wanted to get some advice from the community here and see if you think this is a big deal or not. I'm a little bit warped and broken from my last relationship and just very sensitive to wasting my time and getting rejected again..

 

So I met this girl on Tinder we are both in our late forties. We had a first phone call and it went well and then decided to meet last Sunday for coffee and that went really great. We really connected and had a great conversation. She texted me about 30 minutes after the date saying how she enjoyed meeting me and thanks for the coffee. It's always a good sign when the girl text you soon after the date. So I text her back and told her I'd like to see her again and she said she's interested too.

 

So I didn't text for a day so she texted me on Tuesday and asked me when would I like to make the next date. Another great sign. We agreed on meeting this Saturday night. I texted her yesterday just to say hi and have a little text conversation. she ended by saying goodnight and wrote that she is looking forward to seeing me this weekend. All good.

 

Then today I did not hear from her, so I was a little curious tonight and I went and looked at her pictures on Tinder. Bad move. I noticed she put a few new pictures up since we met on Sunday. I know to most people this may not seem to be a big deal but it kind of took the wind out of my sails. I now feel like she's put new pictures up because I'm not good enough for her and she's looking for somebody else ideally. otherwise why be concerned about your profile and putting up new pictures after you just met somebody you're excited about dating?

 

I mean sure she'll go out with me and Saturday night and maybe have another date but I feel like she's really looking for somebody else at this point and I feel like it's a waste of my time even meeting her Saturday because once she finds somebody better she's going to go cold on me and it's all going to be a big waste of my time until then. So now I don't even want to go in the second date with her.

 

[A]m I on to something? Would love to get your opinion. Sorry I'm being so sensitive about this but had a heartbreaking breakup in October and I just don't want to get hurt again.

Edited March 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[MidwestUSA]

You've had ONE date; you're not exclusive. She's keeping her profile updated, no big deal.

 

Go on the date. Assume everyone you meet is multidating until you learn otherwise.

 

Go, have fun. Knock her socks off!

 

Edit: do not mention that you noticed her profile changes.

Edited March 9, 2018 by MidwestUSA

[Highndry]

It sounds like she's the one putting forth more effort than you, and don't think she doesn't realize it as well. Go on the date, don't say anything about the profile, and play your cards right so that she doesn't want to look for another guy.

[Versacehottie]

There is always a risk that you will get hurt in dating. You can't pre-screen everything with a crystal ball to the extent that you can avoid being hurt. If you are this worried and closed off, maybe it's too soon for you to be dating?

 

Needless to say, look at it in reverse. Maybe she has in the past gotten too excited and put all her hopes and efforts into one guy and it didn't work out--all her dating on the app is going to be early stages (if she is normal) so she is not being too clingy or overly optimistic about you.

 

I think rather than getting insecure about it, you should put your best foot forward confidently, knowing you are a great guy. Early dates are for discovering if you are well-suited to each other & what each person is about, so do that. You need to put less pressure and emphasis on the outcome long-term. Do your best on a day to day thing and try to have fun, this makes you more attractive. When and if the time is right, you can worry about what the future holds with someone. Good luck

[Maggie4]

I think she's doing the right thing to keep looking. It's not a good match. So far she has been doing the work, texting you, asking when is the next date, reassuring you by expressing enthusiasm. She risked herself and now you want to cancel and let her down.

 

But then if you do cancel, it's a blessing in disguise for her. She will move on to someone better for her. Even if you go on another date or two, and she shows you more good signs, chase after you a bit, you will still hold back to protect yourself. So I think she's better off with a man who isn't left fearful and broken from a previous relationship.

[act00]

Women and men are going to keep their profile open and options open until there is a reason to do otherwise, and after one date, she's still keeping the feelers out there. She has no idea if this is going to progress to a second date or a third. Assume everyone on OLD is dating other people until you know otherwise, and you just need to be the one she picks by going out with her and expressing interest and allow things to progress...which they may not. It's a risk and a process.

 

You didn't text for a day and she ultimately reached out to you and had to push for whether or not there was a date. You exhibit low interest...do you think maybe that's part of the reason why she was on Tinder, updating? I think so. She's merely keeping her options open, as this was only one date...no guarantees this will go past date two...not hearing from the guy for a simple how was your day or plan the date...BTDT. I have realized that guys who don't take some initiative to reach out first have low interest, and I am not pleased at having to fish for whether or not we have plans or not. You could have texted her the next day with some whats, wheres, and whens, but instead you left an open invitation for Saturday and then went silent. This is the momentum phase, meeting on OLD, and you've got to keep that foot in the door. You don't have to text all day, but touch base.

 

Don't fret over the app. Go out, have fun, see where it goes.

[d0nnivain]

You are over thinking this. With OLD & Tinder type apps you have to ASSUME that the other person is dating others & will be for a while . . . like a month or until you talk about sex / exclusivity.

 

 

You are playing your card close to the vest & letting her chase you. She sees this as you being lukewarm so she's not putting all of her eggs in the basket that is you. She may think you are awesome but fears that you don't like her enough.

 

 

Go on the date. Enjoy yourself. Keep dating as long as it's fun & interesting. In a few weeks you can talk about both of you getting off the various sites. Until then just hush & get to know each other.

 

 

Cancelling now, the day before, makes you impolite. Mentioning that you saw the changes to her profile makes you look clingy, weak & insecure. Keeping calm & carrying on makes you confident.

[BaileyB]

Go on the date. Go with an open mind and have fun.

[Interstellar]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from Friday and Saturday ates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

I would also stay away from texting unless I’m setting up dates. If she wants to text reply and tell her to save it for your next date. Be polite when you say this. A lot of things get lost in texting.

 

You’re not nuts. It’s okay to feel that way but do not communicate it to her. Don’t talk about any insecurities you have. Control what comes out of your mouth. This is self-control. Keep the date. Don’t cancel. When you show up put on a happy face. Keep it light, fun and positive. You’re allowed to give her one compliment about her looks. Simply tell her she looks nice. Then after the date, tell her you had a nice time. And oh, don’t allow your interest level to go in the 90’s.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Interstellar

[newyorker11356]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from weekend dates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

I would also stay away from texting unless I’m setting up dates. If she wants to text reply and tell her to save it for your next date. Be polite when you say this. A lot of things get lost in texting.

 

You’re not nuts. It’s okay to feel that way but do not communicate it to her. Don’t talk about any insecurities you have. Control what comes out of your mouth. This is self-control. Keep the date. Don’t cancel. When you show up put on a happy face. Keep it light, fun and positive. You’re allowed to give her one compliment about her looks. Simply tell her she looks nice. Then after the date, tell her you had a nice time. And oh, don’t allow your interest level to go in the 90’s.

 

I've scheduled dates on a Fri/Sat before, and it's never hindered me at all (have gotten 2nd/3rd/etc dates from the same girl).

 

Only immature girls would think that indirectly means anything.

[hippychick3]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from Friday and Saturday ates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

I would also stay away from texting unless I’m setting up dates. If she wants to text reply and tell her to save it for your next date. Be polite when you say this. A lot of things get lost in texting.

 

You’re not nuts. It’s okay to feel that way but do not communicate it to her. Don’t talk about any insecurities you have. Control what comes out of your mouth. This is self-control. Keep the date. Don’t cancel. When you show up put on a happy face. Keep it light, fun and positive. You’re allowed to give her one compliment about her looks. Simply tell her she looks nice. Then after the date, tell her you had a nice time. And oh, don’t allow your interest level to go in the 90’s.

 

This is perfect advice for someone who wants to stay on the dating sites indefinitely.

[newyorker11356]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from Friday and Saturday ates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

I would also stay away from texting unless I’m setting up dates. If she wants to text reply and tell her to save it for your next date. Be polite when you say this. A lot of things get lost in texting.

 

You’re not nuts. It’s okay to feel that way but do not communicate it to her. Don’t talk about any insecurities you have. Control what comes out of your mouth. This is self-control. Keep the date. Don’t cancel. When you show up put on a happy face. Keep it light, fun and positive. You’re allowed to give her one compliment about her looks. Simply tell her she looks nice. Then after the date, tell her you had a nice time. And oh, don’t allow your interest level to go in the 90’s.

 

I've scheduled dates on a Fri/Sat before, and it's never hindered me at all (have gotten 2nd/3rd/etc dates from the same girl).

 

Only immature girls would think that indirectly means anything. If she really thinks that, then I'd reconsider going out with her to start.

 

Also, what if you couldn't do any other day besides Fri/Sat? It's just limiting yourself based on some false thinking.

[Interstellar]

I've scheduled dates on a Fri/Sat before, and it's never hindered me at all (have gotten 2nd/3rd/etc dates from the same girl).

 

Only immature girls would think that indirectly means anything.

 

You realize what happened to the op right. Only immature girls? No.

[BaileyB]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from weekend dates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

you are certainly welcome to your opinion, but I respectfully disagree. OP, if you want to see this girl again, it doesn't matter what night you make your date. Go out with her and have fun!

 

As a woman, making a date on a Saturday definitely doesn't communicate to me that a man has no other prospects or things to do. It does communicate to me that he is interested in seeing me again... which is a good thing. It actually makes me think more highly of him, that he's willing to give up his valuable time to see me when he could be out with friends or family.

 

In fact, playing games like these communicate something different to me... that this is a man who finds himself to be somewhat self-important and that would actually make me NOT want to go out with someone who has this kind of attitude.

[newyorker11356]

You realize what happened to the op right. Only immature girls? No.

 

Yes, immature girls.

 

My experience along with other guys says otherwise.

[Interstellar]

you are certainly welcome to your opinion, but I respectfully disagree. OP, if you want to see this girl again, it doesn't matter what night you make your date. Go out with her and have fun!

 

As a woman, making a date on a Saturday definitely doesn't communicate to me that a man has no other prospects or things to do. It does communicate to me that he is interested in seeing me again... which is a good thing. It actually makes me think more highly of him, that he's willing to give up his valuable time to see me when he could be out with friends or family.

 

In fact, playing games like these communicate something different to me... that this is a man who finds himself to be somewhat self-important and that would actually make me NOT want to go out with someone who has this kind of attitude.

 

This is a game whether we want to admit it or not. By the way, men don’t know how to play games. As a woman relationships come naturally to you. It’s hard coded in your DNA. But when it comes to relationships guys have no idea which way is up.

 

OP you are welcome to follow her advice. Let’s what happens.

[newyorker11356]

This is a game whether we want to admit it or not. By the way, men don’t know how to play games. As a woman relationships come naturally to you. It’s hard coded in your DNA. But when it comes to relationships guys have no idea which way is up.

 

OP you are welcome to follow her advice. Let’s what happens.

 

Funny, I've never looked at it as a game, just gone with the flow and it's served me well.

 

OP, book the date on whatever day you want. If she doesn't like you, it won't be because you scheduled the date on a Fri/Sat believe me.

[Interstellar]

Funny, I've never looked at it as a game, just gone with the flow and it's served me well.

 

OP, book the date on whatever day you want. If she doesn't like you, it won't be because you scheduled the date on a Fri/Sat believe me.

 

Please stop derailing the thread. If you want to continue arguing then start your own thread.

 

You’re welcome to follow this advice too.

[newyorker11356]

Please stop derailing the thread. If you want to continue arguing then start your own thread.

 

You’re welcome to follow this advice too.

 

Typical response from someone who can't make a legit argument

 

Also, no thanks. I don't play childish games like you seem to do by not scheduling a date on a Fri/Sat for supposed "male high-value" reasons

[introverted1]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday.

 

Totally disagree.

 

His first mistake was being so passive that she had to reach out to confirm if the date was on. The fact that she did so means that she WANTS TO GO ON A DATE WITH OP. She's updating her pictures on Tinder because he seems low interest.

 

As for a Saturday date... For lots of people, Friday and Saturday are the only real date nights available. I'll go out with someone during the week, but I get up at 5am on weekdays, so a weeknight date is going to have to end by 9, and even that is pushing it. I don't see any negative to a Saturday date.

 

OP- show a little enthusiasm (assuming you like this woman).

[Interstellar]

Typical response from someone who can't make a legit argument

 

Also, no thanks. I don't play childish games like you seem to do by not scheduling a date on a Fri/Sat for supposed "male high-value" reasons

 

Did you read the rest of the stuff that I wrote? You’re getting hung up on a day. A single day. Boy, it must be fun to go out on a date with you. You must be fun at parties huh.

 

And were you on a successful relationship with that same woman you had a second and third date with? Let me guess, she got rid of you too. Since women do the dumping ninety seven percent of the time you got your heart broken too.

[newyorker11356]

Did you read the rest of the stuff that I wrote? You’re getting hung up on a day. A single day. Boy, it must be fun to go out on a date with you. You must be fun at parties huh.

 

And were you on a successful relationship with that same woman you had a second and third date with? Let me guess, she got rid of you too. Since women do the dumping ninety seven percent of the time you got your heart broken too.

 

[]

 

I’m actually in a relationship with one right now. In the past, I’ve done the broken up, and they have. It definitely had nothing to do with scheduling a Fri/Sat date, lol. As for a broken heart, sure, but I’d venture most people have probably had that happen to them.

 

[]

Edited March 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[JimmyNYC]

 

His first mistake was being so passive that she had to reach out to confirm if the date was on. The fact that she did so means that she WANTS TO GO ON A DATE WITH OP. She's updating her pictures on Tinder because he seems low interest.

 

As for a Saturday date... For lots of people, Friday and Saturday are the only real date nights available. I'll go out with someone during the week, but I get up at 5am on weekdays, so a weeknight date is going to have to end by 9, and even that is pushing it. I don't see any negative to a Saturday date.

 

OP- show a little enthusiasm (assuming you like this woman).

 

HI thanks for the reply everyone. I had to correct the person here that wrote that I'm being "passive" and she is updating her pictures because she senses "low interest". This is incorrect but not your fault for thinking so as I may not have communicated what happened correctly as I made that original post late at night and rushed it. Let me explain more accurately.

 

Here is how it all started:

After matching and exchanging a few texts on Tinder, I asked if she'd be up for a phone chat. She said yes and gave me her number. I called her around Wednesday of that week. We had a great chat for over an hour. She has a PhD and is super smart and I connect best with really smart girls. At the end of the phone conversation, I asked if she was going to be around that weekend. She said yes. I said "ok great when are you free to meet up for a drink or coffee". She replied that she was busy ALL weekend except late Sunday afternoon. That right there took the wind out of my sails. At our age if you've already got Friday night AND Saturday night booked that far ahead is a turn OFF to me, not a sign of high value. I don't want to date a woman who is out every Friday and Saturday evening. But anyway I agreed to the Sunday afternoon coffee date, even though I hate being relegated to that time slot as it indicates you are not a priority but rather a just-in-case-guy.

 

So as I mentioned we went on the coffee date Sunday. All went great. There was a lot of energy and laughing and smiling and great conversation. At the end of the date I walked her out and gave her a hug and said "Have a nice day, hope to talk again soon". If I'm not 100% clear on their interest level I never ask them out or show my cards after that first meeting. Why? 2 reasons. One I've done that many times and it BACKFIRED. Two, if the person is not interested and you start asking to see them again right there, IT'S AWKWARD and they feel put on the spot. Been there done that. So I was just polite and showed enthusiasm and then walked away.

 

She ended up playing it PERFECTLY, by sending the "interest" text 30 minutes after the date. I replied immediately that was charming of her to send the text and I'd love to see her that week. She agreed to it. I replied that I'd text her soon and we'd make a plan. She replied positively. I need a day to figure out when, where, what and then I was going to text her. However next day she beat me to the punch.

 

Next day, Monday, in the evening she texted me asking me when I'd like to meet as she has Thurs and Saturday open. So I wasn't acting passive she just beat me to the punch! It was great. I was really excited to see she was expressing this much interest. So I texted her back that Saturday evening would work best (as I work all week and it would have to be a short date on Thursday. Saturday I have more time and can relax). She replied that would be perfect. We texted back and forth a bit more about favorite books movies etc. Then Tuesday there was no contact. Wednesday I texted her to say Hi and asked her a question about a movie she saw. I wanted to express that I was interested but did not say so in that way. I'm sure she got the hint. We texted back and forth for about four hours ending in the early evening where she texted "Have a good night, i'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend". I returned the same text to show my interested.

 

Thursday, yesterday, there was no contact and that is when I went on Tinder and looked at her profile out of curiosity and saw the newly added pics. The pics have been added since I saw her on Sunday. I couldn't help but to feel negative about that. We are late 40s so not part of the snapchat, instagram teen and 20 something crowd who are always updating profiles and pictures. So her adding new pictures communicated to me that she is still looking to attracted someone other than me. She certainly didn't post the new photos FOR ME as there is no reason for me to look at her Tinder profile again since I have her cell phone number.

 

The reason for feeling as I do is that I have dated a few women in the past that I started having feelings for. I remember 2 instances where we had 4 or 5 dates and I saw they were STILL active daily on the online dating site where we met. That was really hurtful and I could only assume they were still actively looking and dating after 4 or 5 dates because they were not that into me.

 

So, I'm just trying to avoid wasting my time. If she is just not that into me and is looking for something better, I don't want to waste my time. But the consensus of the advice here seems to be it's too early to tell. Try a few more dates and see how things turn out. I will.

 

And while I understand nobody (not even me) can go exclusive after ONE meeting, I do think there is a certain respect and class to be shown if you meet someone amazing with LTR potential after one date and do at least focus on them. I dated a psychiatrist once that did that very thing and I'll never forget how classy it was and how incredibly special it made me feel. We basically met one Sunday and then had a date that week. So technically 2 dates. I was on OKC at the time and early in the week I was checking my messages before our 3rd date coming up. She texted me and said she wanted to talk. I called her and she said she saw me on OKC and wanted to tell me she is excited about getting to know me but if I am still keeping my options open and am going to be dating around please just contact her after I've tried my options. She explained that she would feel weird dating me while I'm out meeting other people. I totally understood and was super excited about her so I agreed to just focus on her exclusively for the time being and if it didn't work out I could explore other options. It was amazing. So there is definitely a time and place to go exclusive early on and it works.

[Versacehottie]

ok so it wasn't passive? she beat you to the punch because you have a lot of rules for yourself about dating to faux-protect yourself and insecurity which you have to sort out in your head and overcome before you can flow with the momentum that naturally exists.

 

Your rule about what time slot you get is silly, sorry. I found it interesting that she is a Phd. Maybe she approaches dating in a more practical and less emotional and clingy about dating because she has a scientific, thus logical mind. To me, this would absolutely make sense why she covered her bases and put new photos up, as well as beat you to the punch, as well as reached out to you first. She is taking the empirical evidence (is that a word?) right in front of her rather than get all overthinking, emotional and insecure. Such as I had fun talking to this guy, very busy this weekend but could make time to see him on Sunday, that was fun. In the meantime she has the other parts of her life going on--yes probably meeting or talking to other guys from tinder (maybe they got their date requests in first), maybe she was out with friends or at a party. And in the meantime, she is a logical person, who is not going to lose of week of her dating journey without putting her best foot forward thus the updated photos.

 

There's a great lesson for you in that: why lose time or mess up any effort you have already put in WITHOUT putting your best effort forward? Pull the plug if you are not interested but not because you are scared or worried. If you want to move forward, don't half-ass it, put your best foot forward. Easy logic.

[bene]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends.

 

Well, as a woman I would appreciate that the guy I’m dating doesn’t have a wife or a girlfriend