Is this a rejection?

[darkrai100]

I try online dating and I meet this girl whose in a band. We matched about 2-3 weeks ago and we talk once a day ever since. She then mentioned she has some shows this month that she has to perform, and since we haven't met yet, I figured I could use this opportunity to meet her in person, as well as support her show at the same time.

 

So I ask her when her performances are, and she gives me 4 dates, but says that 2 of the shows are at a special event for children only, and the other 2 she's "not sure who the audience will be". (???????) She goes on acting surprised and asking me if I'm actually interested in music. In my mind, I was almost certain she'd be glad I could attend, maybe even appreciative. Instead, this somehow feels like a rejection......I mean, is it? And how in the world do I respond to this?

[iVisa]

Tell her "if you don't want to, we can meet in another day". Maybe for her, it's awkward, that you will see for the first time when she has a performance? I think you shouldn't worry.

[Versacehottie]

It's not necessarily a rejection. It can be a rejection of that suggestion though!! It's not the best place for a first date IMO and maybe she has that feeling herself. She is "working" and with lots who know her and you want to pop up?? It puts a lot of pressure on her with a virtual stranger. My advice would be to meet her in another place for a first date--where you can be on more neutral ground and lower pressure, so it can be more about you two.

 

If she wants to invite you to her show, let her suggest that. So since you have already invited yourself, maybe reach out to her and suggest another activity on a night where she doesn't have a show (be specific and just positive; don't link it to the fact that she has left the question about coming to her show unanswered). Good luck

[smackie9]

I think she wants to get to know you better, before she will be comfortable inviting you. Push that aside and take her out on regular dates for now.

[bmne90]

Yeah I dont think its a rejection tbh

Edited March 7, 2018 by bmne90

[darkrai100]

Got it, so a normal first date then. I'll leave the invitation to the show up to her. Yeah, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed like a rejection since she did provide me the dates of her performances and everything. On a side note, I just noticed that her birthday is in 2 days. I recall seeing a few posts on this forum about how it's weird to use a girl's birthday as a means to meet up, especially after meeting on-line not too long ago. So if I use her birthday as a reason to ask her out on a proper first date, maybe buy her a drink, would that be weird?

[Versacehottie]

Got it, so a normal first date then. I'll leave the invitation to the show up to her. Yeah, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed like a rejection since she did provide me the dates of her performances and everything. On a side note, I just noticed that her birthday is in 2 days. I recall seeing a few posts on this forum about how it's weird to use a girl's birthday as a means to meet up, especially after meeting on-line not too long ago. So if I use her birthday as a reason to ask her out on a proper first date, maybe buy her a drink, would that be weird?

 

did you find out it was her birthday through social media or did she mention it to you? To me, if you creeped that info on social media, no matter how prominent it is featured on there, I wouldn't offer up the date "for her birthday". You are just taking her out for your first date together--be a little flexible since she probably has little celebrations going on the day of, before and after. IMO, you don't want to look like you are stalking her social media trying to figure out all about her & find out stuff about her that would be revealed over time & when she is revealing to you. This is not because you don't want to look like you don't care but because it will diminish what she thinks of you if you are poring over her social media looking for ways to connect with her & an in. The only exception to this, to me, is if you MET over social media and have already been liking her posts, commenting etc for a decent amount of time. (i forgot how you met or maybe you didn't mention it).

 

So if she mentioned it to you or brought up her birthday in a discussion with you, you can say, well we should celebrate it with a drink or something and tie it to the date--but not the main reason really. I'm not explaining it well but hopefully you get what I mean.

[darkrai100]

did you find out it was her birthday through social media or did she mention it to you? To me, if you creeped that info on social media, no matter how prominent it is featured on there, I wouldn't offer up the date "for her birthday". You are just taking her out for your first date together--be a little flexible since she probably has little celebrations going on the day of, before and after. IMO, you don't want to look like you are stalking her social media trying to figure out all about her & find out stuff about her that would be revealed over time & when she is revealing to you. This is not because you don't want to look like you don't care but because it will diminish what she thinks of you if you are poring over her social media looking for ways to connect with her & an in. The only exception to this, to me, is if you MET over social media and have already been liking her posts, commenting etc for a decent amount of time. (i forgot how you met or maybe you didn't mention it).

 

So if she mentioned it to you or brought up her birthday in a discussion with you, you can say, well we should celebrate it with a drink or something and tie it to the date--but not the main reason really. I'm not explaining it well but hopefully you get what I mean.

 

I get what you mean, you explained it very well . I met her thru an app, and her birthday is the first thing pops up under her profile pic. The app encourages users to fill out their profiles in order to find common interests with other users, but she left everything else but her birthday blank lol. Anyway, the reason why I'm tiptoe-ing around asking her out conventionally is because when I suggested we could meet soon, she gave off the same vibes as she did about this show/performance, claiming that I'm a busy person and just not sounding overly enthusiastic about it. Perhaps I'll just wish her a happy birthday on the day of, and talk about it a little bit and just play it by ear?

[Maggie4]

Got it, so a normal first date then. I'll leave the invitation to the show up to her. Yeah, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed like a rejection since she did provide me the dates of her performances and everything. On a side note, I just noticed that her birthday is in 2 days. I recall seeing a few posts on this forum about how it's weird to use a girl's birthday as a means to meet up, especially after meeting on-line not too long ago. So if I use her birthday as a reason to ask her out on a proper first date, maybe buy her a drink, would that be weird?

 

That'd be weird. First, she may be hesitant to invite a stranger from online into her world and social circle. It's awkward for a first meeting. For the birthday, no, you need to assume she has friends and family to spend her birthday with.

[darkrai100]

After taking everyone's advice, I figured she probably felt it was too soon or awkward for me to attend her show, so I just replied to her that I hope to attend one of her performances one day, instead of inviting myself so soon to somewhere I'm not exactly welcomed to .

 

It's been almost a day and a half now and she has yet to respond to me... Today is her birthday, and also taking into consideration how it's awkward to take her out on her birthday since we just met online recently, I just sent her a happy birthday text around noon....still, no reply. I am so confused....should I just move on??

[oneinamillion93]

After taking everyone's advice, I figured she probably felt it was too soon or awkward for me to attend her show, so I just replied to her that I hope to attend one of her performances one day, instead of inviting myself so soon to somewhere I'm not exactly welcomed to .

 

It's been almost a day and a half now and she has yet to respond to me... Today is her birthday, and also taking into consideration how it's awkward to take her out on her birthday since we just met online recently, I just sent her a happy birthday text around noon....still, no reply. I am so confused....should I just move on??

 

Dude why are you explaining to her that much? You should’ve asked her if it’s okay you take her out another time. You guys even that close why are you expressing your emotions that much. You scared her for sure. If I was her I would went cold turkey either. You can only be that caring once you guys got into some certain level of dating

[darkrai100]

Dude why are you explaining to her that much? You should’ve asked her if it’s okay you take her out another time. You guys even that close why are you expressing your emotions that much. You scared her for sure. If I was her I would went cold turkey either. You can only be that caring once you guys got into some certain level of dating

 

Oops, I probably should've pointed out that I just said "I hope to attend [her] shows one day". The "instead of inviting myself so soon to somewhere I'm not exactly welcomed to" part was just me explaining it here, so I didn't actually say that to her. Hope I cleared it up

[oneinamillion93]

Oops, I probably should've pointed out that I just said "I hope to attend [her] shows one day". The "instead of inviting myself so soon to somewhere I'm not exactly welcomed to" part was just me explaining it here, so I didn't actually say that to her. Hope I cleared it up

 

Even if it’s your text it’s still do no good. You should’ve asked her out again right there. What do you expect her to text you now? You don’t talk about taking her out, she apparently won’t have anything left to talk

[darkrai100]

Even if it’s your text it’s still do no good. You should’ve asked her out again right there. What do you expect her to text you now? You don’t talk about taking her out, she apparently won’t have anything left to talk

 

Well, right after, I sent her a happy birthday text, which I thought she would respond to lol. That would've opened the door to another topic, and depending on how she reacts, I was going to see if I could buy her a drink sometime soon (for her bday). But not on the day of, as some have advised on here.

[oneinamillion93]

Well, right after, I sent her a happy birthday text, which I thought she would respond to lol. That would've opened the door to another topic, and depending on how she reacts, I was going to see if I could buy her a drink sometime soon (for her bday). But not on the day of, as some have advised on here.

 

Well you made it seem like you’re too attached and you guys not even met yet!

 

I would say move on. Next time try to be a bit cold towards women, don’t be caring too soon.

[darkrai100]

Well you made it seem like you’re too attached and you guys not even met yet!

 

I would say move on. Next time try to be a bit cold towards women, don’t be caring too soon.

 

I'll take that into consideration, thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it

[Versacehottie]

Oops, I probably should've pointed out that I just said "I hope to attend [her] shows one day". The "instead of inviting myself so soon to somewhere I'm not exactly welcomed to" part was just me explaining it here, so I didn't actually say that to her. Hope I cleared it up

 

It sounds dejected and butthurt... not magnetic and confident. You should have just left that open ended, not talked about it & asked her for a date. And without a response you wished her happy birthday--it's too much (especially for someone you've not even met yet)

[Versacehottie]

Well, right after, I sent her a happy birthday text, which I thought she would respond to lol. That would've opened the door to another topic, and depending on how she reacts, I was going to see if I could buy her a drink sometime soon (for her bday). But not on the day of, as some have advised on here.

 

oh gosh--too needy. both with the text about going to a show of hers someday, pregnant pause; followed by a happy birthday, pregnant pause. You're the guy. You say it all in one fell swoop: happy birthday let's go out for a drink to celebrate in the days afterward.

[darkrai100]

oh gosh--too needy. both with the text about going to a show of hers someday, pregnant pause; followed by a happy birthday, pregnant pause. You're the guy. You say it all in one fell swoop: happy birthday let's go out for a drink to celebrate in the days afterward.

 

Yeah, I wanted to do that, but since she didn't exactly tell me it was her birthday (I saw it in her profile), I figured I shouldn't come on too strong and see how she reacts to it before asking her out. And apparently it turned out to be a pick-your-poison scenario lol. I take it that I should just move on now?

Edited March 9, 2018 by darkrai100

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I wanted to do that, but since she didn't exactly tell me it was her birthday (I saw it in her profile), I figured I shouldn't come on too strong and see how she reacts to it before asking her out. And apparently it turned out to be a pick-your-poison scenario lol. I take it that I should just move on now?

 

But that's what I was trying to say before, creeping on her to KNOW her birthday--even if it was front and center on her profile IS coming on too strong. That's why I cautioned against it and you said well it was only thing on her profile.

 

Here's the thing, IMO, once you have made that initial connection, don't look like you are grasping at straws for ways to connect with her, i.e. referring back to her profile or social media or any little tiny bits of info she said in passing, like really as a throwaway. If she hadn't mentioned her birthday, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You wait until birthday has passed and let's say you say what have you been up to lately and then she mentions it was her birthday last week and she has been celebrating with friends--that's when you say happy birthday etc. You are not a huge, barely even a small part of her life yet, so take it in context and let the day pass if it does. Also in context, you are on a dating site or app to date her and see if you have a romantic/playful/fun connection. That should be the the primary focus of your conversations and your goal--you don't need an excuse to ask her out. In other words, don't be timid or tip-toe around things, that's not very masculine and won't do you any favors.

 

So realistically, what have you been chatting about when you do message? Are they just messages or have you spoken on the phone? Is the problem that you have been approaching this too gingerly or is it like pulling teeth to get her to message, talk etc? And is the only real "connection" that you matched each other a few weeks ago and it's been downhill or lackluster since then?

 

My other thought is that the fact that she put nothing in her profile is that she wants a hookup not dating necessarily. If so, you should just be more bold in that kind of situation--if you would be interested in that too.

 

To me, she liked your looks initially-enough so that she matched with you. So you just need to work on your game some. Not the worst problem to have. Plus it's not all on you--she just may have discovered she is not interested; she may be super into her band stuff or other priorities right now; she may have her heart with someone else.

 

But yeah I do think you should work on your game to OPTIMIZE your choices and your success. And while I wouldn't say "move on" necessarily, because that is part of the core of the problem--why are you so focused on ONE girl who you haven't gone out with yet? That alone will come off as too strong, needy, insecure because you have too much riding on it. Spread the wealth!!! IMO, you should talking to several girls at once and going on dates 1-3 (about) overlapping. Lots of girls will come and go, for you, for them. That's just the nature of things. So if you don't want to hurt your self-confidence and maximize your efforts, talk to a few at once. See if someone drops out, no big deal, you might see it as things were stronger with this other girl/s and it worked out how it was meant to rather than feel bad about yourself and like you failed. Anyway, I hope you get the picture. Good luck

[darkrai100]

But that's what I was trying to say before, creeping on her to KNOW her birthday--even if it was front and center on her profile IS coming on too strong. That's why I cautioned against it and you said well it was only thing on her profile.

 

Here's the thing, IMO, once you have made that initial connection, don't look like you are grasping at straws for ways to connect with her, i.e. referring back to her profile or social media or any little tiny bits of info she said in passing, like really as a throwaway. If she hadn't mentioned her birthday, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You wait until birthday has passed and let's say you say what have you been up to lately and then she mentions it was her birthday last week and she has been celebrating with friends--that's when you say happy birthday etc. You are not a huge, barely even a small part of her life yet, so take it in context and let the day pass if it does. Also in context, you are on a dating site or app to date her and see if you have a romantic/playful/fun connection. That should be the the primary focus of your conversations and your goal--you don't need an excuse to ask her out. In other words, don't be timid or tip-toe around things, that's not very masculine and won't do you any favors.

 

So realistically, what have you been chatting about when you do message? Are they just messages or have you spoken on the phone? Is the problem that you have been approaching this too gingerly or is it like pulling teeth to get her to message, talk etc? And is the only real "connection" that you matched each other a few weeks ago and it's been downhill or lackluster since then?

 

My other thought is that the fact that she put nothing in her profile is that she wants a hookup not dating necessarily. If so, you should just be more bold in that kind of situation--if you would be interested in that too.

 

To me, she liked your looks initially-enough so that she matched with you. So you just need to work on your game some. Not the worst problem to have. Plus it's not all on you--she just may have discovered she is not interested; she may be super into her band stuff or other priorities right now; she may have her heart with someone else.

 

But yeah I do think you should work on your game to OPTIMIZE your choices and your success. And while I wouldn't say "move on" necessarily, because that is part of the core of the problem--why are you so focused on ONE girl who you haven't gone out with yet? That alone will come off as too strong, needy, insecure because you have too much riding on it. Spread the wealth!!! IMO, you should talking to several girls at once and going on dates 1-3 (about) overlapping. Lots of girls will come and go, for you, for them. That's just the nature of things. So if you don't want to hurt your self-confidence and maximize your efforts, talk to a few at once. See if someone drops out, no big deal, you might see it as things were stronger with this other girl/s and it worked out how it was meant to rather than feel bad about yourself and like you failed. Anyway, I hope you get the picture. Good luck

 

Really appreciate your lengthy response, it means a lot to me and I've been taking notes! That's actually a brilliant idea, asking her what she's been up to and having her say it instead of me. If this is considered game, then I've got to work on it BIG time. sighs....I guess everything really is 20/20 in hindsight. Maybe I was just too eager to brighten her day, and was almost certain that 99% of people with a decent heart would actually find it a nice gesture, regardless of how the info was obtained lol.

 

And to answer your question, we've been texting about things like her school (she's also still in college) and her band stuff. 90% of the texts have been her asking about me and my personal life, and I've always made sure to reciprocate the interaction as well. The texts became longer and longer, even though 3-4 texts a day became 2 a day, to eventually once every day. So in that regard, I felt like we had a connection, so much to the point where I apparently invited myself to her performance lol, which I was almost sure she'd be appreciative of. That's where I failed.

 

And the more I think about it, the more I feel that the text that said I hoped to attend her peformance one day down the road was what blew it completely. I should've left that open-ended, like you said. I'm just someone who texts my mind.. This birthday thing occured when things started to snowball, so I guess it really was a lose-lose situation in the end. But I'm ok with the outcome now. I figured if I'm already on such a short leash when I'm texting her, god knows how life will be if this thing worked. Onto the next one...

 

P.S. I think I found out that she's a twin lol. Not sure if that matters lol?? There's a girl with a similar name on the app that has pictures of them together and their family, and I had to do a double take to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. Gosh, this story just gets more and more interesting...

[Versacehottie]

Really appreciate your lengthy response, it means a lot to me and I've been taking notes! That's actually a brilliant idea, asking her what she's been up to and having her say it instead of me. If this is considered game, then I've got to work on it BIG time. sighs....I guess everything really is 20/20 in hindsight. Maybe I was just too eager to brighten her day, and was almost certain that 99% of people with a decent heart would actually find it a nice gesture, regardless of how the info was obtained lol.

 

And to answer your question, we've been texting about things like her school (she's also still in college) and her band stuff. 90% of the texts have been her asking about me and my personal life, and I've always made sure to reciprocate the interaction as well. The texts became longer and longer, even though 3-4 texts a day became 2 a day, to eventually once every day. So in that regard, I felt like we had a connection, so much to the point where I apparently invited myself to her performance lol, which I was almost sure she'd be appreciative of. That's where I failed.

 

And the more I think about it, the more I feel that the text that said I hoped to attend her peformance one day down the road was what blew it completely. I should've left that open-ended, like you said. I'm just someone who texts my mind.. This birthday thing occured when things started to snowball, so I guess it really was a lose-lose situation in the end. But I'm ok with the outcome now. I figured if I'm already on such a short leash when I'm texting her, god knows how life will be if this thing worked. Onto the next one...

 

P.S. I think I found out that she's a twin lol. Not sure if that matters lol?? There's a girl with a similar name on the app that has pictures of them together and their family, and I had to do a double take to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. Gosh, this story just gets more and more interesting...

 

Thank you. I do care & can hear you are a nice guy. Idk if saying exactly what i suggested is game---BUT the thought process behind it is. Basically, it's taking little mirroring steps rather than large "too nice" gestures at the beginning. You want to convey that you have your own life going on (make sure you do! get hobbies and friends and some career focus if you don't already have it). And that you don't just overdo nice things or do fawning type things when it is not yet warranted. Reason: because it will come off as desperate and over invested rather than sweet and nice; it's indicative of a relationship several more steps in than the other person is, which reminds the other person that you have little going on but them, which makes them think clingy and it's hard for them to just see the "nice" gesture. And let's just be completely honest: this wasn't merely a nice gesture--you were looking for an in to get her onto a date. So it comes off as needy not purely genuine. Let's say you already had a date set up for next week AND she mentioned it was her birthday in texts--yes then the gesture is IN LINE with each person's level of investment and genuinely NICE and sweet.

 

And if you wanted the date, just ask for the date during past discussions--you don't need an excuse--you DO want to use momentum of the conversation, etc. To me, an obvious one would be to ask her if she likes to check out other bands (assuming you also have some knowledge about/similar taste in music), that would have segue wayed (can't spell it:sick:) within the convo about her band and music and then suggest that you guys should go check out a show sometime. It would be good if you already knew of some shows coming up so that you could suggest a specific show and day but if you don't, then get back to her with a show or two that are coming in the next week and a specific day. Also, perhaps even better, if she is asking a lot of questions about you (as you said) and you are mentioning something that was fun or that you like to do, then you are kinda more authoritative than her in that event/subject--so ask her in the moment, hey we should go together this week, it's really fun and ask her when she is free.

 

I do think that if contact is slowing down it's not the best sign. So who knows what else was going on. I agree that it could have been when you suggested coming to one of her shows. I think it's less that one event but that could have been the deciding factor if she was meh about you.

 

By the way, some people won't like the use of the word game. I don't mean it like you are tricking anyone--but it is just your trying-to-date style & talking to girls style. I think guys have a lot of various approaches and some of the best intentioned ones (like yours) will backfire because of what it conveys to most. You just need to reel it in a bit. I think at the beginning as much as people don't want it to be marketing yourself, it kinda is. She is checking out if you are worthy bf material--at this point that usually means what you are about more surfacey. Not saying to be fake and being nice is a given. But have your own life going on. That sounds like it might be what is being perceived on the other end (that you don't). At the beginning that feels like pressure when you aren't even sure about the other person, which is not good. And unattractive. In a way, she will need to imagine that other girls "would" want you and that you have "choices" about who/what to prioritize. This doesn't mean make her jealous but show that you are attractive and interesting. And her getting your attention means she is worthy--that you don't just give it to anyone. Ugh, not explaining it well but again hopefully you get it.

[bmne90]

Yeah, I wanted to do that, but since she didn't exactly tell me it was her birthday (I saw it in her profile), I figured I shouldn't come on too strong and see how she reacts to it before asking her out. And apparently it turned out to be a pick-your-poison scenario lol. I take it that I should just move on now?[/quote

Edited March 10, 2018 by bmne90

[darkrai100]

Thank you. I do care & can hear you are a nice guy. Idk if saying exactly what i suggested is game---BUT the thought process behind it is. Basically, it's taking little mirroring steps rather than large "too nice" gestures at the beginning. You want to convey that you have your own life going on (make sure you do! get hobbies and friends and some career focus if you don't already have it). And that you don't just overdo nice things or do fawning type things when it is not yet warranted. Reason: because it will come off as desperate and over invested rather than sweet and nice; it's indicative of a relationship several more steps in than the other person is, which reminds the other person that you have little going on but them, which makes them think clingy and it's hard for them to just see the "nice" gesture. And let's just be completely honest: this wasn't merely a nice gesture--you were looking for an in to get her onto a date. So it comes off as needy not purely genuine. Let's say you already had a date set up for next week AND she mentioned it was her birthday in texts--yes then the gesture is IN LINE with each person's level of investment and genuinely NICE and sweet.

 

And if you wanted the date, just ask for the date during past discussions--you don't need an excuse--you DO want to use momentum of the conversation, etc. To me, an obvious one would be to ask her if she likes to check out other bands (assuming you also have some knowledge about/similar taste in music), that would have segue wayed (can't spell it:sick:) within the convo about her band and music and then suggest that you guys should go check out a show sometime. It would be good if you already knew of some shows coming up so that you could suggest a specific show and day but if you don't, then get back to her with a show or two that are coming in the next week and a specific day. Also, perhaps even better, if she is asking a lot of questions about you (as you said) and you are mentioning something that was fun or that you like to do, then you are kinda more authoritative than her in that event/subject--so ask her in the moment, hey we should go together this week, it's really fun and ask her when she is free.

 

I do think that if contact is slowing down it's not the best sign. So who knows what else was going on. I agree that it could have been when you suggested coming to one of her shows. I think it's less that one event but that could have been the deciding factor if she was meh about you.

 

By the way, some people won't like the use of the word game. I don't mean it like you are tricking anyone--but it is just your trying-to-date style & talking to girls style. I think guys have a lot of various approaches and some of the best intentioned ones (like yours) will backfire because of what it conveys to most. You just need to reel it in a bit. I think at the beginning as much as people don't want it to be marketing yourself, it kinda is. She is checking out if you are worthy bf material--at this point that usually means what you are about more surfacey. Not saying to be fake and being nice is a given. But have your own life going on. That sounds like it might be what is being perceived on the other end (that you don't). At the beginning that feels like pressure when you aren't even sure about the other person, which is not good. And unattractive. In a way, she will need to imagine that other girls "would" want you and that you have "choices" about who/what to prioritize. This doesn't mean make her jealous but show that you are attractive and interesting. And her getting your attention means she is worthy--that you don't just give it to anyone. Ugh, not explaining it well but again hopefully you get it.

 

Wow, I really appreciate it. I've realized a ton of things about myself and areas in which to improve on by talking to you, and I couldn't be more grateful. So, I sincerely thank you a lot.

 

Got it, so try and find the balance between showing interest while maintaining my own priorities without crossing the line too much. That in and of itself sounds a bit difficult, because my innermost desire is to have a girlfriend, as it's been almost 4 years since my last relationship. But it's something I gotta learn in order to succeed. Ahh, that was a great advice there. Guess I have to be ok with the thought of being single (for now) and appear less desperate in order to succeed. And you're absolutely right, I have to set my other priorities as well, instead of focusing all my energy on one girl.

 

And as an update to this situation, she ended up texting back a while ago. And let's just say her response and the mere fact that she texted back was completely unexpected and caught my by surprise, especially since we all thought it was all but over lol. Responding to my text about attending her performance down the road, she replied "hehe ok ok, no problem. It seems like you're more into pop music, whereas my band, we're more traditional and classic-y." So it appears she's taken a different route and opened the door to a new topic, and this is definitely where I learn to leave the performance thing open-ended and not dig myself anymore holes lol.

 

And in response to the bday text, she acted surprised, saying, "Wow! That is so cool, thank you so much!" You have no idea how relieved I feel knowing that it wasn't a relationship-breaker and that she didn't take it as a weird gesture or think of me as a creep, because I'm not and I really only meant well. So I take it this is where I just go for it and ask her out finally? Since it's not the day of anymore, suggesting to buy her a drink at Starbucks or perhaps a coffee shop near campus for her birthday as sort of a first date doesn't seem too weird right? Or is that lame and has "friendship" written all over? Also worried that she'll be courteous and say something along the lines of, oh no you don't have to get me anything, etc.

 

As you pointed out, I know if I wanted a date I should just ask for it, but I should add that this isn't a dating app like Tinder, it's regarded as more of a friends-making app for college students, although it's been said that some have used it to date as well. But maybe that's why I kind of tip-toe around suggesting a date because of this app.

 

The last paragraph you wrote pretty much summed up whole style, unaware as I may be about it. None of my friends have even been able to point this out to me over the years, I'm very surprised you're able to, thank you so much. I'm all about the surface

 

No, you explained it very well, I get the big picture of what you're saying. Just a little bit perplexed about how to reel it in and about the marketing myself part. Does that mean I shouldn't be talking about myself as much? Or maybe not dive too deep so fast?

 

Anyway, after I text her back, it'll most likely be days before her next response... if there is one lol, since I mentioned that contact has been slowed considerably on her end lol. Since it feels to me like this is slowly heading south, I guess I got to go for it huh?

[Versacehottie]

Wow, I really appreciate it. I've realized a ton of things about myself and areas in which to improve on by talking to you, and I couldn't be more grateful. So, I sincerely thank you a lot.

 

Got it, so try and find the balance between showing interest while maintaining my own priorities without crossing the line too much. That in and of itself sounds a bit difficult, because my innermost desire is to have a girlfriend, as it's been almost 4 years since my last relationship. But it's something I gotta learn in order to succeed. Ahh, that was a great advice there. Guess I have to be ok with the thought of being single (for now) and appear less desperate in order to succeed. And you're absolutely right, I have to set my other priorities as well, instead of focusing all my energy on one girl.

 

And as an update to this situation, she ended up texting back a while ago. And let's just say her response and the mere fact that she texted back was completely unexpected and caught my by surprise, especially since we all thought it was all but over lol. Responding to my text about attending her performance down the road, she replied "hehe ok ok, no problem. It seems like you're more into pop music, whereas my band, we're more traditional and classic-y." So it appears she's taken a different route and opened the door to a new topic, and this is definitely where I learn to leave the performance thing open-ended and not dig myself anymore holes lol.

 

And in response to the bday text, she acted surprised, saying, "Wow! That is so cool, thank you so much!" You have no idea how relieved I feel knowing that it wasn't a relationship-breaker and that she didn't take it as a weird gesture or think of me as a creep, because I'm not and I really only meant well. So I take it this is where I just go for it and ask her out finally? Since it's not the day of anymore, suggesting to buy her a drink at Starbucks or perhaps a coffee shop near campus for her birthday as sort of a first date doesn't seem too weird right? Or is that lame and has "friendship" written all over? Also worried that she'll be courteous and say something along the lines of, oh no you don't have to get me anything, etc.

 

As you pointed out, I know if I wanted a date I should just ask for it, but I should add that this isn't a dating app like Tinder, it's regarded as more of a friends-making app for college students, although it's been said that some have used it to date as well. But maybe that's why I kind of tip-toe around suggesting a date because of this app.

 

The last paragraph you wrote pretty much summed up whole style, unaware as I may be about it. None of my friends have even been able to point this out to me over the years, I'm very surprised you're able to, thank you so much. I'm all about the surface

 

No, you explained it very well, I get the big picture of what you're saying. Just a little bit perplexed about how to reel it in and about the marketing myself part. Does that mean I shouldn't be talking about myself as much? Or maybe not dive too deep so fast?

 

Anyway, after I text her back, it'll most likely be days before her next response... if there is one lol, since I mentioned that contact has been slowed considerably on her end lol. Since it feels to me like this is slowly heading south, I guess I got to go for it huh?

 

Bolded one: yes because having your OWN priorities is what draws a person to be curious about you. You and i both know you will treat her nicely and with respect. you just have to do it in line with two people at the beginning of getting to know each other and as each person takes steps toward giving a little more/opening up a little more that's when it's ok to do the same. If you have a tendency to do too much to soon, be too nice, too fawning, let the other person take the little step first.

 

Bolded second one: yes funny that's exactly what I guessed! It's desperation and trying too hard. Listen you can't want a girlfriend so much that the very things you are doing is what drives them away. You still have to be you and HAVE yourself--that will usually draw people toward you. I'm going to guess that along those lines (pulling back or not texting her again when she hadn't yet responded) is why she got back to you eventually. You have to let the other person have the time and space to catch up to your feelings. And if you are honest with yourself you feelings are primarily driven by the fact that you desperately want a girlfriend -- not about this particular girl (or realistically about her since you haven't met or spent a decent amount of time together). You are NOT less because you haven't had a gf in 4 years. You just have to get that out of your mind because it's hurting your game. That is just a part of how your life has been for some time not who you ARE. You need to change your focus within to be about what you are ABOUT rather than what you are lacking. Right now you are driven (which reads as desperation) by what you DON'T have, what you think you are not. Try to neutralize or make positive your thoughts so you present yourself (trust me, it comes out in every action, every word) as someone with something to offer. That is not just being nice and wanting a gf--that is a given. But as someone who is worthy, searching for another worthy person. make sense? It's ok to be single. You are being choosy--for the girl with the right character, etc that would make it worth it to you to make room for her in your life (not in a cocky way--not really worried about that with you but just in case others are reading). Try that thought process.

 

Hmmm, about her text about the music. I would pick up on the part about her noticing you liked pop music. you can be playful and tease her a bit and say maybe you could get her interested in some of that someday. Idk if the moment has passed. Not sure what else you guys have been talking about but I would pick up on a subject or two and try to expand on it. Stuff you like to do is great or just came back from doing, etc, because it's a obvious way to suggest that you meet up soon to do something similar together.

 

Hmmm so the app is more friends/networking type thing but i definitely think you guys have been flirting. Unless she loves coffee and is way into it, to me, the atmosphere at most coffee places is not the best for a first date; perhaps neither is something ON-campus. You don't even need to call it a date--just ask her if she wants to meet up. Flirt and then when there flirt some more (you don't have to overdo it though). So IMO try to think of another place to go besides coffee and maybe OFF-campus (takes the pressure of others seeing and being inquisitive and also new, less regular atmosphere).

 

About "marketing" yourself more/better. Well first try to take top priority--get a girlfriend--off the table and out of your mind. Get the right girlfriend, when the time is right and person is right is a better goal. One of my favorite thoughts ever is that you should be the best you so that you could attract the best person. What would an ideal you be like? How would that person spend his time and what would he be interested in and moving toward? Figure that out and than DO that, work toward it, constantly wanting to improve yourself while liking who you are. This even goes for days where you want to be lazy or relax--have that be a CHOICE! Be engaged in your own life. So it would be less about what you choose to talk to her about but a lot of this will come out when you are talking to her and other people--in how you spend your time, what things interest you. Like if you were texting her and said what you had just come back from doing or were planning to do today, it should be a reflection (and the truth!) of you. Show, do rather than say. The 'say' is auxiliary because it is just a product of the truth. I think if she is already asking you a lot of questions that is good. Make sure your content is IN LINE with who you are/who you are striving to be. The same goes for asking good questions of her--you can exhibit who you are, character-wise and what life would be like if she chose to date you. Most girls want a guy with something going on. I have even in the past picked guys who had something going on--even if it was not a hobby or something that i previously was interested in--mainly the enthusiasm for what your life is can be attractive. Most girls like it though if you are open so i wouldn't change that. But again--keep it in line. At this stage, deep thoughts might be more what you think of deeper things or sharing more personal stories rather than telling her how much you like her and how much you think of a future with her. (to me, you guys wouldn't be there yet and that can be overwhelming to a lot of people).

 

Last bolded: no defeatist thinking--or you will end up defeated. Put your best forward AS IF you will succeed. That will give you the best shot. There is no room to half-ass things. No guy living his ideal life would do that. Good luck