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2 dates in - like her but small worries


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I went on a first date with someone I met on Tinder last week. Me - 26 year old male. Her 24.

 

First date was drinks then we went out last night for mini golf. There was only a 3 day gap in between.

 

I like her, she makes me laugh and we seem to get on. There's attraction and when I dropped her off at her home last night we kissed for a bit and it was definitely reciprocated well.

 

We have set a third date, dinner and drinks for this Friday.

 

I only have doubts because when I drove her home we were talking about how long we had been on Tinder, how long we were single etc. She said she's been single since August but had a 3 year relationship with someone she moved in with before that. He lives in another city (though fairly close now) but she said 'we still talk, but we aren't talking at the minute as he told me he is seeing a married woman and I didn't want to hear that and don't approve'. Now after my last relationship I swore I wouldn't go out with someone who is still in contact with an ex...so that bothers me a little.

 

She also said something else which worried me 'I also met someone on Tinder just as a friend - we went on 6 dates then I asked him what was the deal and he said he was only on Tinder for friendship so we remained friends!' Again this seems unusual to me.

 

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she seems genuinely interested in me and I would like to see where it goes.

 

Another thing is I still live with my parents (but moving out in the next few months hopefully) whereas she lives in a house with her friends. So in terms of escalation I need her to invite me back to hers this Friday right? I can't really invite her back on a third date when my parents are in the house...

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Answer 1:

You swore to yourself something why break a promise done to yourself?

 

Answer 2:

Be slow to judge people if you don't want them to judge you too promptly. She could be on here today asking if she should date a man still living at his parents.

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Answer 1:

You swore to yourself something why break a promise done to yourself?

 

Answer 2:

Be slow to judge people if you don't want them to judge you too promptly. She could be on here today asking if she should date a man still living at his parents.

 

I am not judging - merely stating she still talks to her ex which from experience and reading lots of posts on here never ends well. But since he is in a different city I think I am ok with it depending on how frequently they contact.

 

I know living at home isn't ideal for a guy my age but I am at least trying to change that - it's a hard process!

 

But I'm asking do I say to her 'should we go back to yours and watch a movie?' On Friday or is that too agressive? Like I said If I had my own place I'd just ask her back to mine

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FilterCoffee

Hey Sbla,

 

I'm glad you've met a nice girl! About being friends with an ex, a lot of people do it (including me) so maybe you should reevaluate this one. If she's got integrity you won't have anything to fear.

 

Where I live, there are quite a few guys who claim that they just want friendship. I find it hard to believe and I think most of these guys are being disingenuous but I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Even if she is seeing him as well, she hasn't made any commitments to you so you'll just have to accept it.

 

How would your parents react if you brought her home? Would they not let you take her to your room?

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Versacehottie
Answer 1:

You swore to yourself something why break a promise done to yourself?

 

Answer 2:

Be slow to judge people if you don't want them to judge you too promptly. She could be on here today asking if she should date a man still living at his parents.

 

This is one of the best things I've ever read on here (bolded).

 

To the OP, from your posts, it's obvious that you have a tendency to worry....about everything. Why not recognize that as a real thing YOU deal with rather than project these worries as REAL problems with other people and solutions? Your anxiety is going to get the best of you is what I'm trying to say.

 

I think you can move forward by telling yourself that you have more information to gather about her and the potential of this relationship--without focusing specifically on gathering info on her being in contact with ex's or guys she became friends with from tinder. Life may surprise you (in a good way--not all the bad ways you worry about). So it's not all the way rush in nor pull all the way out. I think it's a little concerning that she brought up both those guys in two dates--did you quiz her to death or did she offer up this info without prompting? If you took the conversation in that direction where she thought it was ok to speak freely and it turns out you were going to judge her for it, then that's mostly on you. If she brought it up without prompting by you, then it is probably more likely that her mind and maybe other things are on one or both of these guys. Applauded you for "breaking" a silly, nonsense rule. Not everyone does relationships and contact with people who have been in their lives before the same as you--maybe you can learn something, grow or even make a connection with someone who still can remain friends with someone from before. That said, it's tinder, so....

 

and yeah, you will need to see if she invites you back to hers. I mean you need more info about her so maybe why rush things too much if you don't go there this next time. That way you won't get more attached without having a better perspective.

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I would just bring up the topic, in a general sort of way, regarding what she thinks about talking to exs while in a relationship.

 

I’d make it clear to her you are not telling her what to do. In fact, she may think the same as you do. She has every right at this point to talk to whomever she wants because you two are not exclusive. She may be perfectly willing to cut off communication with her ex.

 

So I’d just tell her in a polite but to the point manner that once you become exclusive, you expect from yourself and the woman you are dating to not talk to exs. Period. The end. Say you’d rather get this out in the open now.

 

Again, tell her you are not trying to control her or tell her what to do. She can do whatever she wants. This is simply your own expectation and ask her to let you know her views on the matter.

 

That’s my suggestion. If you lose her...well...better to know now then you coming back to this forum in 6 months torn apart because you found out she is talking to her ex and even went to lunch with him.

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I am not judging - merely stating she still talks to her ex which from experience and reading lots of posts on here never ends well. But since he is in a different city I think I am ok with it depending on how frequently they contact.

 

Each situation is different and the important is to use good judgment. It sounds like this ex she is in contact with was a short relationship and nothing came out of it. You can ask for more details and judge.

 

I know living at home isn't ideal for a guy my age but I am at least trying to change that - it's a hard process!
Yes and she should not judge you too quickly and see how you handle moving out, just like you should not judge her too quickly and see how she handles herself with that ex.

 

But I'm asking do I say to her 'should we go back to yours and watch a movie?' On Friday or is that too agressive? Like I said If I had my own place I'd just ask her back to mine

No, never invite yourself to a woman's home. Always wait for her to invite you over. Keep on asking her out and she'll figure out on her own that if she wants time alone with you she'll have to invite you over.
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She steered the conversation towards those revelations - I prefer not to speak about exs really - especially only after 2 dates. Personally I'd be content to never speak about my exs again, I just think they were in the past. They all helped to shape and change me - there were some great times with them and some really painful times. But I just want to go forward with someone new and both be focused only on each other - I'm not saying don't have guy friends, I would have even been ok in my previous relationship that she talked to her ex still but then found out she sees him twice a week climbing, text a lot and eventually he had a spare key to her house. That's why I am sceptical now but I will see how things go.

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Cookiesandough

Lots of people have contact with their exes. I don't get it/like it, but if you nix everyone who still keeps in distant contact with an ex, you're narrowing your options tremendously.

 

As for Tinder guy friend thing, since she's a person who keeps male friends, especially ones she's slept with before, makes sense for her. They had 6 dates, she asked about it, he obviously was only feeling her as a friend, so they just became friends.

 

Don't date her if you have 'worries'. I've truly believe most people aren't rational enough to where when they really like someone they even notice glaring red flags, let alone nitpick for orange ones. JMO

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Another thing is I still live with my parents (but moving out in the next few months hopefully) whereas she lives in a house with her friends. So in terms of escalation I need her to invite me back to hers this Friday right? I can't really invite her back on a third date when my parents are in the house...

 

 

Perhaps it would be wise to not escalate things, assuming you mean the physical aspect, until your worries are resolved.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

Date her and have fun.

 

Don't marry her.

 

Who gives a **** what the other dude thinks.

 

Problem solved.

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I would have even been ok in my previous relationship that she talked to her ex still but then found out she sees him twice a week climbing, text a lot and eventually he had a spare key to her house. That's why I am sceptical now but I will see how things go.

 

This current woman is not your ex, and no other women are either. If you still harbor resentment toward your ex that you aim at new women then maybe you're not ready to date.

 

I was cheated on, one of my ex was a chronic cheater and cheated through our whole 4 years together. I don't use that to implement rules in my current relationship. I don't worry my bf is cheating when he's late, I don't keep tab on him and don't go through his pockets. If he cheats then I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

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IMO she's just simply being honest with you...that could mean she is interested and will wait and see how things go with you, which is fair IMO. BUT atm she isn't giving up any contact with these people because there is no reason for her to do so. If things do get serious enough between you two, these guys will be history. She isn't going to rearrange her life for someone she's just met.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
IMO she's just simply being honest with you...that could mean she is interested and will wait and see how things go with you, which is fair IMO. BUT atm she isn't giving up any contact with these people because there is no reason for her to do so. If things do get serious enough between you two, these guys will be history. She isn't going to rearrange her life for someone she's just met.

 

Exactly. And, she very well could be the type of person who would agree to cease all contact with the other guys if you asked her to once you become exclusive. As far as you "needing" her to invite you back to her place, there is no requirement that sex has to happen on the third date ;). So, it's not really a need, but a want I'd say.

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I understand you. I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who is in touch with ex... She should end it.

 

And in terms of your next date... You shouldn't ask her about a date in her home at the 3. date. She should invite you.

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Versacehottie
IMO she's just simply being honest with you...that could mean she is interested and will wait and see how things go with you, which is fair IMO. BUT atm she isn't giving up any contact with these people because there is no reason for her to do so. If things do get serious enough between you two, these guys will be history. She isn't going to rearrange her life for someone she's just met.

 

Yes totally possible. I think anxious types expect that all people will process information and disseminate information the way they do. OP, is only looking at it on one plane of thought: what the discussion of ex and other guy from tinder mean with regards to his possibilities of having a successful relationship with her and cheating possibilities/talking to other guys making him uncomfortable.

 

IMO, it would be smart to process the information she disclosed to you from another plane of thought: that she is the type of person to speak really openly, maybe in a way that makes you uncomfortable or is inappropriate or pushing boundaries of normal or productive 1st/2nd date topics. Some people are brutally/uncomfortably candid which some other people are drawn to and other people recoil from or find out of line. Doesn't mean talking with exes isn't happening with other potential dates but maybe their personalities aren't the type to talk about it!

 

Pretty safe to assume if she is on Tinder she is dating others/has dated others from tinder and other apps/sites (same as you). So if you feel that is a red flag, it pretty much exists with almost everyone that you would be dating from there. Some girls will talk about it, lots won't. If you feel that talking about it is crass or overly candid, that's something that is a personality, character trait about her that you know right now--without needing to know what the actual status is with those guys or waiting until you get to a point at which you could ask her not to speak to them anymore.

 

I think I would need to hear the actual conversation to lean completely one way or another. Not through your filtered, little worried view (sorry! i'm anti-anxiety!!!). On one hand, she could have been trying to impress you with the story of her ex by conveying that she is not OK with his morals at the moment--to display what type of morals she has. Regarding the tinder friend, she could have been trying to convey that she has remained friendly with people, i.e. that she is friendly and easy-going. Or she simply could not be putting so much thought into what she is saying and is not that careful--not meaning one thing or another.

 

On the other hand, mentioning both of those stories without prompting (not convinced yet that there wasn't a lead-in), could just be trying to show that she is 'wanted" by lots of guys, an attention-seeking type behavior; it could also mean she is still hung up/emotionally tied to the ex, etc. Anyway, if you are going to waste your time worrying (i wouldn't but still), than try to think of some possible positive reasons why someone would do what they do--hopefully that will neutralize your anxiety a bit.

 

I don't think i need to tell you that anxiety has ruined many a potentially good relationship and will cause you endless problems. Irony is the very stuff you worry about often ends up coming true due to the series of events that your worrying sets in motion!!

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Update:

 

We went on date 3 for dinner and drinks and I ended up at her place! Never happened for me before. We had sex and it was really nice and sweet - cuddling, talking, holding hands etc. I stayed the night.

 

I feel like the sex wasn't great so I'm a bit worried - I had a lot to drink and I find condoms to heighten anxiety sometimes - my previous 2 sexual partners were on the pill so didn't wear them. I won't go into details - basically she was 'satisfied' but I couldn't 'finish' - I feel like I messed up? But I think first time with her nerves, lots of drink and condom issues were at play. She seemed really happy this morning anyway.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Update:

 

We went on date 3 for dinner and drinks and I ended up at her place! Never happened for me before. We had sex and it was really nice and sweet - cuddling, talking, holding hands etc. I stayed the night.

 

I feel like the sex wasn't great so I'm a bit worried - I had a lot to drink and I find condoms to heighten anxiety sometimes - my previous 2 sexual partners were on the pill so didn't wear them. I won't go into details - basically she was 'satisfied' but I couldn't 'finish' - I feel like I messed up? But I think first time with her nerves, lots of drink and condom issues were at play. She seemed really happy this morning anyway.

 

Condoms do more than prevent pregnancy. They also prevent STDs. :rolleyes:

 

As far as the sex, I think what you experienced is fairly normal for a first time with a new partner.

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Condoms do more than prevent pregnancy. They also prevent STDs. :rolleyes:

 

As far as the sex, I think what you experienced is fairly normal for a first time with a new partner.

 

Yes, my partners and I got tested and had none so we made a choice to not use condoms.

 

Not saying I shouldn't wear them, just take some getting used to to go along with the other anxieties!

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I feel like the sex wasn't great so I'm a bit worried - I had a lot to drink and I find condoms to heighten anxiety sometimes - my previous 2 sexual partners were on the pill so didn't wear them. I won't go into details - basically she was 'satisfied' but I couldn't 'finish' - I feel like I messed up? But I think first time with her nerves, lots of drink and condom issues were at play. She seemed really happy this morning anyway.

 

did she at least give you a blow job?

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Versacehottie

Now see doesn't that fly in the face of all the things you were previously worried about? It worked out. All you had to do was put your worries in check and move forward.

 

Yet the irony is that you have a whole new set of worries:eek:

 

Try to focus on the the good things. Counter your each of your worries with a positive rebuttal. I really think you need to take the "evidence" from the good too. We know, and you should know, that you are overly adept at considering all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

 

To me, you should take her out again pretty soon. Think you will be more relaxed next time. good luck

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Anxiety king back again! :(

 

So yesterday morning after I left her place she text me about 45 minutes later asking if I got home ok. She went to another city for the day to see friends so we had a few flirty messages back and forth then we left it as I didn't want to bother her when she was seeing friends.

 

We left things around 3 pm but at 8 pm I text her asking how her day in the other city went. She responded saying it was good and asked how my day went. But her next two messages were one line messages so I sort of took a hint she didn't feel like speaking and left things for the night.

 

Today I had a busy morning but hadn't heard from her all day so thought I would get in touch as I was thinking about her. Just asked her if she went to see her mum as it's mothers day and she wasn't sure she was seeing her or not. She replied 'no. She wasn't well so will see her another time.' Which I saw as sort of blunt? So I waited a bit then asked if she had anything else planned and if I could call her.

 

She took a while to reply then said 'just been food shopping, what you up to?' And ignored the part about the call....

 

I know this is my typical anxiety coming back again but kind of feels like there's been a drop off in interest since she got back last night. I'm usually pretty good at reading these texting signals. Feel it was kind of rude/strange to ignore the call part. She could have at least said she was busy so can't talk on the phone or something.

 

I am meant to be seeing her next on Tuesday night but getting that familiar feeling that she's losing interest or having doubts. My brain told me before 'she thought the sex was average, is seeing someone else and just stringing you along now.' I Know this is all my anxious negativity. Just feel like we had a great night on date 3 and maybe I have jumped the gun a bit :(

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Anxiety king back again! :(

 

So yesterday morning after I left her place she text me about 45 minutes later asking if I got home ok. She went to another city for the day to see friends so we had a few flirty messages back and forth then we left it as I didn't want to bother her when she was seeing friends.

 

We left things around 3 pm but at 8 pm I text her asking how her day in the other city went. She responded saying it was good and asked how my day went. But her next two messages were one line messages so I sort of took a hint she didn't feel like speaking and left things for the night.

 

Today I had a busy morning but hadn't heard from her all day so thought I would get in touch as I was thinking about her. Just asked her if she went to see her mum as it's mothers day and she wasn't sure she was seeing her or not. She replied 'no. She wasn't well so will see her another time.' Which I saw as sort of blunt? So I waited a bit then asked if she had anything else planned and if I could call her.

 

She took a while to reply then said 'just been food shopping, what you up to?' And ignored the part about the call....

 

I know this is my typical anxiety coming back again but kind of feels like there's been a drop off in interest since she got back last night. I'm usually pretty good at reading these texting signals. Feel it was kind of rude/strange to ignore the call part. She could have at least said she was busy so can't talk on the phone or something.

 

I am meant to be seeing her next on Tuesday night but getting that familiar feeling that she's losing interest or having doubts. My brain told me before 'she thought the sex was average, is seeing someone else and just stringing you along now.' I Know this is all my anxious negativity. Just feel like we had a great night on date 3 and maybe I have jumped the gun a bit :(

Firstly why are you asking if you can call her? That's nearly as bad as asking a girl if you can kiss her.

 

Secondly you already have plans to see her on Tuesday. You've already initiated contact a couple of times since the last time you saw her. Leave it for now, it's only a couple of days away. If she initiates, great. If not, wait till Tuesday to confirm the plans and then go and meet her.

 

And thirdly yes you are overthinking and being too anxious. Maybe she just wants to be FWB. Maybe she wants to spend more time with you before going crazy over texts. Maybe she is losing interest. Only person that knows is her. But either way you should take a step back and enjoy the ride and see where you end up. Relax!

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