3 dates and I'm not interested. He keeps texting, how do I let him down?

[ThisisIt606]

I've been on 3 days with this guy off an app. He's very smart, kind, and generous ( pays/ even if I offer he will insist he pays), and takes initivatve in texting/date planning.

 

He's a great guy, but I just don't feel the chemistry. I'm not sexually attracted to him and do not see a future. I HAVE tried. We made out a few times ( first time we kissed was the 2nd date when he walked me home). The first real makeout was our 3rd (which I would like to be our last date).

 

After the activity portion of the date (game place and drinks/apps) he suggested a walk. He then asked if i wanted to see his courtyard and I said "sure, ok." We were already in front of it little did I know, so he just lead me in. He then said he had to be up early in the AM but wanted to know if I wanted to come up for a bit. I stupidly said "sure, fine". Mainly because I really had to pee, is was flipping COLD, and I was curious to see his place.

 

Anyways, he asks if he can tell me a secret and I say "sure" he then tells me "your boot collection drives me wild!" and then (struggles) to pick me up and carry me to the bedroom. In my head i'm freaking out thinking omg I don't want to be here, I want to leave. We make out a bit more (which I could handle as long as it didn't progress) and then he lifts my shirt to lick my stomach. That's when I abruptly stood up, pushed my shirt down and said I think I should go.

 

he said ok, that's fine and walked me out/drove me home. The car ride was mostly quiet and a few awk conversation pieces. When he pulled up to my place I kissed him (out of pitty/ felt bad... I know BAD) and we said "see you soon" I thanked him for the evening and got out.

 

Nowwww he texted me something that witty from our date last night/ the game place and made another joke. I'm really not interested... I don't see a future and I don't want one.

 

He's SUCH a nice guy and the longer I play along, the worse it will be. I realize I need to end it ASAP and I want to, but my question is how? I would like to be firm, providing no sense of hope but also kind... bc he is a very nice guy.

[newyorker11356]

First off, you HAVE to tell him that you don't see a romantic future together. Don't continue responding to his texts/phone calls and going out on dates with until you do. You'll only continue getting his hopes up more.

 

Secondly, you could say something that while you have enjoyed the dates together, there's no compatibility/chemistry on your end, and nothing romantic will happen.

[ThisisIt606]

what about something like....

 

this has been something i've been thinking about.... I think you're a really great guy but, the chemistry isn't there for me. I think we could be good friends, but i don't see a relationship. Is that something you're be open to?

[newyorker11356]

what about something like....

 

this has been something i've been thinking about.... I think you're a really great guy but, the chemistry isn't there for me. I think we could be good friends, but i don't see a relationship. Is that something you're be open to?

 

That'd be perfect to send.

 

The fact that you abruptly stood up and pushed your shirt down and said you had to go during the end of the 3rd date, he may already suspect that you're not feeling it with him like that. So, he likely won't be caught off guard with a text like that either.

[smackie9]

i know it was your decision to TRY, but this is my point in other threads...."trying" is terrible way to date someone. IMO you KNOW by the first date whether there is some kind of attraction and shouldn't kid yourself when there is not. Just think...how would you feel if you really liked a guy and by the 3rd date tells you it ain't happening. This guy is going to accuse you of leading him on....and in a way you did. I myself have done this and I regret pushing past the first date or even just giving my phone number when TBH I didn't have any intention of going out with them.

[d0nnivain]

what about something like....

 

this has been something i've been thinking about.... I think you're a really great guy but, the chemistry isn't there for me. I think we could be good friends, but i don't see a relationship. Is that something you're be open to?

 

No. No. No. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants to be your lover. Offering him friendship is insulting. It's like rubbing his nose in what he can't have.

 

You would better served by saying,

"You're a nice enough guy but I just don't feel the chemistry. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

 

Say nothing about friendship. If you bump into him while out, be polite, but nothing more.

[newyorker11356]

i know it was your decision to TRY, but this is my point in other threads...."trying" is terrible way to date someone. IMO you KNOW by the first date whether there is some kind of attraction and shouldn't kid yourself when there is not. Just think...how would you feel if you really liked a guy and by the 3rd date tells you it ain't happening. This guy is going to accuse you of leading him on....and in a way you did. I myself have done this and I regret pushing past the first date or even just giving my phone number when TBH I didn't have any intention of going out with them.

 

Eh, I don't fully agree with this. I get what you're saying, of course. But sometimes, people go out on 2nd/3rd dates with someone they were on the fence/lukewarm about, then something clicked and they both got in a relationship/married/etc.

 

So, it isn't always THAT simple.

 

No. No. No. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants to be your lover. Offering him friendship is insulting. It's like rubbing his nose in what he can't have.

 

You would better served by saying,

"You're a nice enough guy but I just don't feel the chemistry. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

 

Say nothing about friendship. If you bump into him while out, be polite, but nothing more.

 

Don't agree with this either. I went on a couple of dates with a woman last summer, and she didn't feel the chemistry with me when she decided to go in for the kiss at the end of our last date (I was on the fence with her myself). She definitely liked me as a friend and extended that offer to me. In most cases, I'd have said no (as I'm not looking for friends on OLD apps/sites), but something was different about her, and I said yes.

 

We still talk, and she's a good friend. Turns out we have that "friend chemistry" type thing, haha. However, she definitely did me a favor by not continuing a potential romantic relationship. Without going into too much detail, she has things in her personal life that would have definitely required a lot of sacrifices.

[GuitarGuy7]

Be direct but also be polite, try to make the rejection not hurt as much. Say something like this:

 

 

Hey (name of person), I think you're funny, sweet, (insert other favorable personality traits here), but I just don't see us together in the future. I wish you the best of luck finding someone though. Can we still be friends?

[Popsicle]

i know it was your decision to TRY, but this is my point in other threads...."trying" is terrible way to date someone. IMO you KNOW by the first date whether there is some kind of attraction and shouldn't kid yourself when there is not. Just think...how would you feel if you really liked a guy and by the 3rd date tells you it ain't happening. This guy is going to accuse you of leading him on....and in a way you did. I myself have done this and I regret pushing past the first date or even just giving my phone number when TBH I didn't have any intention of going out with them.

 

Seriously!!!

I don't get this but soooooo many women do this.

Why???

 

I have a friend doing this right now. Before 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she didn't know. She needed to go out with him to find out. Fine. After 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she still didn't know. I asked her if she found him physically attractive at least and she said she doesn't know. Now they've been a 2nd date and she still doesn't know. I told her that it sounds like she's not attracted to him enough and she starts rambling on about how she likes aspects of his personality and "still has to see". In the meantime this guy is liking her more and more. I guess she thinks he might grow on her. I don't see it though but I don't do that. I either like you straight off or not at all.

[Popsicle]

Eh, I don't fully agree with this. I get what you're saying, of course. But sometimes, people go out on 2nd/3rd dates with someone they were on the fence/lukewarm about, then something clicked and they both got in a relationship/married/etc.

 

Sure. I know there are guys who WANT this sort of chance, but they should understand that it is risky.

[Imajerk17]

what about something like....

 

this has been something i've been thinking about.... I think you're a really great guy but, the chemistry isn't there for me. I think we could be good friends, but i don't see a relationship. Is that something you're be open to?

 

This is pretty good.

 

I think you'll get some heat on here for offering friendship, as if you are being cruel to the guy or something, but I disagree. If you want to offer it, go ahead. Anyway guys do not have a hive mind, and he is surely a grownup who gets that this is just a part of dating, he can decide for himself about how he feels about being your friend.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Imajerk17

[newyorker11356]

Seriously!!!

I don't get this but soooooo many women do this.

Why???

I have a friend doing this right now. Before 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she didn't know. She needed to go out with him to find out. Fine. After 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she still didn't know. I asked her if she found him physically attractive at least and she said she doesn't know. Now they've been a 2nd date and she still doesn't know. I told her that it sounds like she's not attracted to him enough and she starts rambling on about how she likes aspects of his personality and "still has to see". In the meantime this guy is liking her more and more. I guess she thinks he might grow on her. I don't see it though but I don't do that. I either like you straight off or not at all.

 

Without trying to stereotype, I do think this tends to definitely be more a woman thing. Maybe it's because women tend to be more forgiving of looks/physical stuff? No idea.

 

As for your friend, it definitely looks like she's trying to talk herself into liking the guy. The fact that she's not even saying she finds him at least a little bit attractive is not good...

[ThisisIt606]

well I ended up sending what I originally wrote...

 

and he said he understands and that would be fine (friends that is).

 

Then he asked me when I started to feel this way,and if i could tell him specifically what he did wrong and to be brutally honest as he can take it...He also said he tried to create the chemistry.

 

 

I just told him it was last night for me and I wanted to say something but didn't know how. I also told him it was just a chemistry thing for me and that's not something that could be created...

[Imajerk17]

well I ended up sending what I originally wrote...

 

and he said he understands and that would be fine (friends that is).

 

Then he asked me when I started to feel this way,and if i could tell him specifically what he did wrong and to be brutally honest as he can take it...He also said he tried to create the chemistry.

 

 

I just told him it was last night for me and I wanted to say something but didn't know how. I also told him it was just a chemistry thing for me and that's not something that could be created...

 

That's fair. Hopefully this guy gets that this is just a part of dating.

 

I think you handled the situation quite ok. There is nothing wrong w giving something a few dates to see if something develops. Meanwhile, you were kind enough to give him a thoughtful response.

[preraph]

Oh, that sounds so awkward. He kind of overdid it with the boot thing, which can be creepy and then, really, going right for the tummy lick? I think neck would have gotten him further, but that's me.

 

I think you'll just have to tell him that despite how lovely he's been, you regret that you feel no chemistry and don't want him to spend any more money on you and hope he has a nice life.

[newyorker11356]

Oh, that sounds so awkward. He kind of overdid it with the boot thing, which can be creepy and then, really, going right for the tummy lick? I think neck would have gotten him further, but that's me.

 

I think you'll just have to tell him that despite how lovely he's been, you regret that you feel no chemistry and don't want him to spend any more money on you and hope he has a nice life.

 

The OP wasn't into him like that at all. It wouldn't have made a difference if he had gone for the neck first or not.

[Redguitar35]

I've been on 3 days with this guy off an app. He's very smart, kind, and generous ( pays/ even if I offer he will insist he pays), and takes initivatve in texting/date planning.

 

He's a great guy, but I just don't feel the chemistry. I'm not sexually attracted to him and do not see a future. I HAVE tried. We made out a few times ( first time we kissed was the 2nd date when he walked me home). The first real makeout was our 3rd (which I would like to be our last date).

 

After the activity portion of the date (game place and drinks/apps) he suggested a walk. He then asked if i wanted to see his courtyard and I said "sure, ok." We were already in front of it little did I know, so he just lead me in. He then said he had to be up early in the AM but wanted to know if I wanted to come up for a bit. I stupidly said "sure, fine". Mainly because I really had to pee, is was flipping COLD, and I was curious to see his place.

 

Anyways, he asks if he can tell me a secret and I say "sure" he then tells me "your boot collection drives me wild!" and then (struggles) to pick me up and carry me to the bedroom. In my head i'm freaking out thinking omg I don't want to be here, I want to leave. We make out a bit more (which I could handle as long as it didn't progress) and then he lifts my shirt to lick my stomach. That's when I abruptly stood up, pushed my shirt down and said I think I should go.

 

he said ok, that's fine and walked me out/drove me home. The car ride was mostly quiet and a few awk conversation pieces. When he pulled up to my place I kissed him (out of pitty/ felt bad... I know BAD) and we said "see you soon" I thanked him for the evening and got out.

 

Nowwww he texted me something that witty from our date last night/ the game place and made another joke. I'm really not interested... I don't see a future and I don't want one.

 

He's SUCH a nice guy and the longer I play along, the worse it will be. I realize I need to end it ASAP and I want to, but my question is how? I would like to be firm, providing no sense of hope but also kind... bc he is a very nice guy.

 

This is why I require sex early on when I meet women online. This poor dude has spent probably hundreds of dollars on dates with OP, with nothing to show for it :(

I forgo all of that. If the sex doesn't occur within 1-2 dates, I never contact the woman again. Cut her off completely. I think at some point, a guy has to get a clue.

[newyorker11356]

This is why I require sex early on when I meet women online. This poor dude has spent probably hundreds of dollars on dates with OP, with nothing to show for it :(

I forgo all of that. If the sex doesn't occur within 1-2 dates, I never contact the woman again. Cut her off completely. I think at some point, a guy has to get a clue.

 

In this case, sure, she wasn't into him. However, plenty of women wait until after a couple/few dates to have sex. Doesn't mean they don't like you. You have to look at other clues.

 

If all you're looking for is casual sex/hookups, then yeah, weed them out after 1/2 dates. Don't disagree there - but for a longer term relationship? You're not doing yourself any favors with that sort of thinking.

 

Also, if the guy (or girl) drops hundreds of dollars on the first couple or so dates, and supposedly complains cause they got nothing out of it (aka sex), then that's their fault. So many dates you can do that are free, or don't involve a lot of money.

Edited March 5, 2018 by newyorker11356

[Redguitar35]

In this case, sure, it doesn't seem like she's that into him. However, like I said, there are other signs there that show if someone is interested in you or not.

 

 

Apparently not, because OP has gone out on dates with this guy 3 times without sex and the fact that she is stringing him along and has no intention of having sex with him still hasn't sunk in. And btw, they waited 3 dates before making out? That's ridiculous.

 

 

Sure, if all you're looking for is casual sex/hookups, then you weed them out after 1/2 dates. Don't disagree there, but I'm not looking for casual sex/hookups nowadays.

 

Just because you want sex early on doesn't mean you aren't open to a relationship. The longest relationship I've had started with the girl just coming over to my place for sex.

 

Also, if the guy has dropped hundreds of dollars on these dates, that's his fault. So many dates you can do that are free or don't involve a lot of money.

 

One thing he can't buy back is the time he's wasted dating OP, that's for sure. If he had demanded sex early on, he could've detected her non-interest a lot sooner.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Redguitar35

[LivingWaterPlease]

Apparently not, because OP has gone out on dates with this guy 3 times without sex and the fact that she is stringing him along and has no intention of having sex with him still hasn't sunk in. And btw, they waited 3 dates before making out? That's ridiculous.

 

Just because you want sex early on doesn't mean you aren't open to a relationship. The longest relationship I've had started with the girl just coming over to my place for sex.

 

One thing he can't buy back is the time he's wasted dating OP, that's for sure. If he had demanded sex early on, he could've detected her non-interest a lot sooner.

 

Have thought of several responses to the bolded but think I'll let it stand on its own!

[newyorker11356]

Apparently not, because OP has gone out on dates with this guy 3 times without sex and the fact that she is stringing him along and has no intention of having sex with him still hasn't sunk in. And btw, they waited 3 dates before making out? That's ridiculous.

 

 

 

 

Just because you want sex early on doesn't mean you aren't open to a relationship. The longest relationship I've had started with the girl just coming over to my place for sex.

 

 

 

One thing he can't buy back is the time he's wasted dating OP, that's for sure. If he had demanded sex early on, he could've detected her non-interest a lot sooner.

 

Lol at "demanding sex early on."

 

Sure, he could do that the next time, but then a woman that maybe could have been into him gets turned off by that request and moves on.

 

And like I mentioned, a woman not having sex with you after 3 dates, doesn't mean she's not into you. I have experience with that (including a couple of my best friends), so do many other people. And sometimes, I'm even the one that takes it slow.

 

And it's not wasted time. It's time invested to see if a couple has a connection or not. Newsflash, dating involves a lot of wasted time.

 

We're clearly never going to agree on this, so it's just best we agree to disagree on this topic. It's obvious you value sex as the most important part of a relationship, and while it is important to me, it's not at the top.

Edited March 5, 2018 by newyorker11356

[healing light]

If 3 dates isn't early on, I don't know what is.

[dumbass2]

I'm a guy and honestly, I do not want to hear the "let's be friends" line. Just be straight forward and say you don't feel the chemistry. I'd respect that and be done. When you try the friend's thing with a guy that's obviously into you physically, it can give him hope that he might be able to change your mind. He will still be physically attracted and trying to be just friends, IMO, just won't work. Just like when you break up with an ex that you've been romantic with. It could work after only 3 dates, but trying to be too nice, just because the guy is real nice, could backfire in a big way since you don't know him all that well early on. Being honest in a polite way is being nice enough IMO.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm a guy and honestly, I do not want to hear the "let's be friends" line. Just be straight forward and say you don't feel the chemistry. I'd respect that and be done. When you try the friend's thing with a guy that's obviously into you physically, it can give him hope that he might be able to change your mind. He will still be physically attracted and trying to be just friends, IMO, just won't work. Just like when you break up with an ex that you've been romantic with. It could work after only 3 dates, but trying to be too nice, just because the guy is real nice, could backfire in a big way since you don't know him all that well early on. Being honest in a polite way is being nice enough IMO.

 

What if the friends line was genuine? I don’t use it unless I would really like to stay friends.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Seriously!!!

I don't get this but soooooo many women do this.

Why???

 

I have a friend doing this right now. Before 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she didn't know. She needed to go out with him to find out. Fine. After 1st date, I asked her if she liked him and she said she still didn't know. I asked her if she found him physically attractive at least and she said she doesn't know. Now they've been a 2nd date and she still doesn't know. I told her that it sounds like she's not attracted to him enough and she starts rambling on about how she likes aspects of his personality and "still has to see". In the meantime this guy is liking her more and more. I guess she thinks he might grow on her. I don't see it though but I don't do that. I either like you straight off or not at all.

 

There is a lot of pressure on women not to be visual and to dismiss lack of physical spark as something unrealistic or something that will “grow”. It has never grown for me but I went through the stage of giving guys up to 4 dates if I liked their personality. Truthfully, I only grew less and less attracted by the end of each date.

 

Now it’s one and done for me. Glad to hear OP is not settling.