IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I think your friend needs to learn the hard way. I would mention something to her. At least you know you did what you could. Then sit back with popcorn and watch her ruin HER life. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 IHNFC, while I agree, don't you think you're taking a rather holier-than-thou attitude about this? I mean, realizing someone's screwing up her life, when all she's trying to do is have fun and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Names are changed to privacy. My friend Jan got ahold of me the other day after we had not talked in a long time. Jan told me that she was busy, busy. And then she said, "Did you know that I am getting married?" And I was very happy for her and I am still happy that she seeing someone but once I heard this next part I got worried. See Jan is the type of person that when the opposite sex gives her attention she falls for them head over heels very quickly even if they are just friends. Well, I asked her to give me the goods on her new man. She told me that he was in his early twenties (Jan is in her mid twenties) and that she met him on the internet and that they met (I'm assuming this is when they met face to face) just a little over two months ago. And he just asked her to marry him not even a month ago. They are planning for their wedding to be in the winter of this year. I never said anything to Jan that I was worried about this being too soon to marry. Jan is a very Bull Headed person and she doesn't listen very well when people try and warn her about things and then she gets hurt. Then when you do say something to her she gets mad at you. And this marriage could go Great but I just feel that they should date a while longer before they get married. This guy could go from being the greatest guy in the world to showing a very bad side of himself. You just never know these days. Help! Any advice would be great! Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I know you guys are friends, but honestly it's not your job to monitor her life. Getting in the way of this- even if it is a bad idea- is the wrong thing to do. The only thing you can do for Jan is to just be her friend and help her along. Trying to change her mind will make her resent you in the end. Also, you are instilling your values on her- saying that she needs x amount of time to decide if it's right for her. I agree with you- I think more time is necessary when it comes to relationships I'm in, but that doesn't mean that it's right for everyone. A lot of people get married quickly and last forever, then again, lots don't. Just be a friend and hope for the former. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa IHNFC, while I agree, don't you think you're taking a rather holier-than-thou attitude about this? I mean, realizing someone's screwing up her life, when all she's trying to do is have fun and be happy. Irrelevent. I don't pay attention to people like you....... Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 But you just did. And it's not irrelevent. I said I agreed with you. For someone who's enjoying her life to the fullest, you sure are touchy. inhighwater, let your friend make her own mistakes, like IHNFC said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa inhighwater, let your friend make her own mistakes, like IHNFC said. Exactly...Like I said...how is that being holier than thou? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I think the chances of this marriage working out are pretty slim. Maybe he is the perfect guy for her, but at this stage, it's way too early to tell either way. But you have to let her make her own mistakes. If you tell her that she's screwing up her life, she may push you away for getting in the way of her 'happiness'. Be supportive of whatever decision she makes even if you think it's the wrong one. One thing you could do though is get her a book by Barbara Deangelis. I've read 'The Real Rules' and 'Are You the One for Me?', and she does a great job of explaining why it's important to get to know someone before you jump into a commitment and how to get to know them. 'Are You the One for Me?' also talks about why]/i] people jump into committments way too early. She's written a few books, and maybe you can pick the one you think would be best for your friend. I haven't read it, but 'How to Make Love All the Time' might be a good one. It's about how to make relationships work. Give her the book as an engagement gift, and tell her it's because you hope it will help her marriage to be successful and happy. (which is really what you want) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Fact is that rushing a woman into marriage is typical behaviour for a con man and lots of con men meet their 'targets' over the Internet. It's not about what's 'right' for her but about what is wise and safe practice for anybody. I'd say the same if it was a man and he met a woman who was rushing him into marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Exactly...Like I said...how is that being holier than thou? *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Did you miss the indicating that it was a joke? Although if you'd like me to find an answer, I will. Saying that someone else is ruining her life because of her actions is no different than your boss' daughter thinking you're ruining YOUR life. See what I mean? But anyway, it's off topic. Eventually everyone grows up and sees that some of the things they're doing are really messing up their lives, even though, at the time, it seems fun and right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 I never said that my boss' daughter said I was ruining my life. She just looked at me like I was the devil b/c the things I do are "bad" Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 if getting engaged after 2 months is good enuf for Tom Cruise then it is good enuf for anyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I never said that my boss' daughter said I was ruining my life. She just looked at me like I was the devil b/c the things I do are "bad" It's pretty much the same thing. Believe it or not, even though she may seem like a good lil Christian girl, I bet she thinks they're bad because they're bad FOR YOU. I don't like seeing people messing up their bodies and minds, either. But anyway, if you want to continue this discussion, let's take it back to your thread. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale if getting engaged after 2 months is good enuf for Tom Cruise then it is good enuf for anyone! Nope that only works if you're a Scientologist looking for publicity, and if you don't mind having a few divorces under your belt... Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I agree with crazy_grl. Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Anyone else have any advice? Please! Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 It sounds like she won't listen even if you give her sound advice, and may even get mad at you for your well-intentioned efforts. So just let her make her own mistakes, and stay out of the way. She'll ask you for advice when she feels like she needs it. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Inhighwater, At least they are not getting hitched until the winter, right? That's enough time to suss out if they are horribly incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I gave her hints before when she met this one guy (of course this is a different guy then she is marrying) and she fell head over heels for him and all he wanted to do was be friends. He thought she was a very nice woman but he was not attracted to her. And the guy kept on giving her hints like, "I think of you like a sister" and she was just not getting it. That guy even got a girlfriend and she didn't get the clue and she knew about his girlfriend. And I even tried giving her hints that that guy only liked her as a friend and finally one day she just got mad at me and didn't talk to me for awhile. Well, later on she found out I was right and started talking to me again. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by inhighwater I gave her hints before when she met this one guy (of course this is a different guy then she is marrying) and she fell head over heels for him and all he wanted to do was be friends. He thought she was a very nice woman but he was not attracted to her. And the guy kept on giving her hints like, "I think of you like a sister" and she was just not getting it. That guy even got a girlfriend and she didn't get the clue and she knew about his girlfriend. And I even tried giving her hints that that guy only liked her as a friend and finally one day she just got mad at me and didn't talk to me for awhile. Well, later on she found out I was right and started talking to me again. Doesn't surpise me. Sounds like maybe she's a woman whose good sense completely flies out the window when she's "in love." This marriage has 'disaster waiting to happen' written all over it. But I doubt you'll be able to convince her of that without changing her entire way of thinking about relationships and marriage. She probably believes that marriage will make her happy and solve her problems, that it doesn't matter who she's married to, as long as "they're in love". Those books I told you about earlier are written with women like her in mind. If anything can make her see reality, I genuinely think they can. Of course, she has to be willing to read them and take the advice seriously. It just might take a divorce before she realizes that her approach and expectations in relationships is counterproductive. Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 To Con't about this other guy (the guy friend that she fell head over heels for not the one she is going to marry): Jan went to her mom and told her mom that her and this guy (friend) were getting along great. Her mom talked to this guy (friend) one night and was asking him all kinds of questions just like he was going to be her soon son-in-law. And this guy was like, "What?" And this guy friend basically told Jan's mom that marriage was never going to happen between him and Jan and that he thought of Jan like a sister. And that he had a serious girlfriend. And Jan's mom was like, "Oh?" I don't know what to do with Jan. I will definitely have to look for those books. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by inhighwater To Con't about this other guy (the guy friend that she fell head over heels for not the one she is going to marry): Jan went to her mom and told her mom that her and this guy (friend) were getting along great. Her mom talked to this guy (friend) one night and was asking him all kinds of questions just like he was going to be her soon son-in-law. And this guy was like, "What?" And this guy friend basically told Jan's mom that marriage was never going to happen between him and Jan and that he thought of Jan like a sister. And Jan's mom was like, "Oh?" I don't know what to do with Jan. Eep! And I thought I was bad just thinking about marriage right off the bat with a guy I was dating. Poor girl. She sounds like an extreme case. Just make sure you're there for her if/when it all falls apart, because she's setting herself up to get hurt bad. Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 She did get hurt bad with that guy friend deal, too. I just can't stand seeing her get hurt anymore. It's driving me crazy and I know a lot if not all of it is because of her going too far to fast! Link to post Share on other sites
inhighwater Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Then the guy friend told Jan's mom that he was going to talk to Jan about the situation and he got ahold of Jan (I forget how many days or weeks later, finally) and told her that no marriage was ever going to happen between them and that he thought of her like a sister and that he was going to marry his girlfriend. And Jan chewed the poor guy out! And sure enough he did, he married his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
CurvyGurl Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I agree with the poster that said it's not your job to monitor her life. You've stated your opinion. Opinion noted. If she's happy, be as happy as you can for her. Don't doom the relationship simply because of the short time span. I hear story after story after story of people that were met and married within 3 weeks, a month, 2 months, etc and those marriages are still going strong after 5, 8, 10, 20 yrs. The only advice I have is that its' her life to live, not yours. Let her live it. If it's a mistake that will come to light! Link to post Share on other sites
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