Did she lose interest that quickly?

[Cooper04]

In mid-january I started dating a girl off OLD.

Our first date was awesome, we agreed during the date to meet up the next day. We made out a little as we said goodbye.

She was going to a meeting after work, we met up and went for a coffee in between work and her meeting. Already, we were acting very affectionate and 'coupleish'.

On our third date, she said she wanted to wait 3 months to have sex. This is rather unusual in my country, but no problem.

She started staying at my place during the weekend from the 2nd week on. We slept together, lots of making out, she gave me some handjobs, but no actual sex. But she did mention she was unsure if she wanted to wait 3 months, she might change her mind.

After having known eachother 2 weeks, we booked a weekend trip abroad for the end of february. It became sort of a joke between us, how fast we were going and how sure we were this would last. I felt it brought us closer.

On Valentines I went all out, surprised her with flowers and took her to the fanciest restaurant in our city. Afterwards she invited me back to hers, we started making out, and she asked if we should have sex. I hesitated, and we decided not too. But we sort of agreed we would have sex on the weekend trip 2 weeks later.

I can't really explain this, but the waiting for sex... I guess it kinda turned me on, I enjoyed the suspense. We had a lot of very explicit discussions about sex, what we liked, what and how and where we would do it the first time etc..

 

The trip was to celebrate her new job, she would have her last day at her old job the day we left.

A week before the trip, she suddenly pulled back, saying she "couldn't promise anything" regarding the sex on the trip.

Through all this, everything has been awesome. Constant texting, seeing eachother 4-5 times a week, her texts are very flirty, lots of emojis.

 

The day of the trip, she texted me constantly, how much she was looking forward to the trip, how fond she was of me and so on.

As we got to the airport last friday, everything seemed to have changed. She seems withdrawn and quiet. I thought she was having a bad day, as we went to bed that night she laid down on the other side of the bed. No cuddling, just went to sleep.

Her mood persisted the whole trip. Overall we had a nice time, but she often seemed distant, almost bored with my company.

We did not have actual sex on the trip, but we did do everything else but the actual penetration. Both saturday night and sunday morning we went much further than we've gone before.

 

After the trip, she had 3 days off between jobs. I took monday off, we went to a museum of her choosing. She seemed happy, but again more distant than in the past. I called her wednesday to make plans for the weekend, for the first time in our 'relationship' she said no to me. I suggested a date sunday, which she replied (somewhat reluctantly) "Yeah, I guess we can do that.."

I then suggested dinner on friday(she had other plans saturday), and she simply said "No, we're making too many bookings and plans"

That felt like a brutal rejection..

 

This week her texts have been infrequent, short and with few emojis and little flirting.

The exception was friday night, when I went out with a friend. Suddenly, she was very forthcoming and flirty in her texts again.

 

I understand she may be stressed about her new job, maybe we have moved to fast, but it just feels wrong. Like she's lost interest. But it's turned so quickly.. And if she's lost interest, why the almost-sex at the end of the trip? We missed checkout by an hour because of it sunday morning. Why the flirty texts friday evening?

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

 

 

Sorry, this got a little longer than I'd thought..

[d0nnivain]

I get the sense that she has some hang up about sex. For her to announce that she would not have sex with you for 3 months, then sleep in your bed & do everything but is odd & childish, like a teenager playing around but afraid to "go all the way." Something very deep is going on here & it has nothing to do with you.

[BaileyB]

Yes, her decisions around sex are very odd...

 

But really, I get the sense that you moved way too much, too quickly... No time to breathe. She was staying at your place from the second week in, and you made plans to go in a trip together a month after you met... Where are the boundaries? I would have run away too... It's just way too much.

 

Sorry.

[Cooper04]

I get the sense that she has some hang up about sex. For her to announce that she would not have sex with you for 3 months, then sleep in your bed & do everything but is odd & childish, like a teenager playing around but afraid to "go all the way." Something very deep is going on here & it has nothing to do with you.

 

Thank you for your feedback.

For the record, I'm 39 she's 32.

 

I don't want to get too explicit, but it did cross my mind last weekend that she may have vaginism. I used my finger on her, and it felt very tight.That would fit well with your theory I suppose.

 

Is she then pulling back because she feels pressured about sex? I'm not looking for a platonic friendship with her, I don't want to pull back to.o far

 

But if this is what is going on, how I do I handle the situation? There must be something I can do..?

[Cooper04]

Yes, her decisions around sex are very odd...

 

But really, I get the sense that you moved way too much, too quickly... No time to breathe. She was staying at your place from the second week in, and you made plans to go in a trip together a month after you met... Where are the boundaries? I would have run away too... It's just way too much.

 

Sorry.

 

Oh, absolutely. But we have talked a lot about how fast we're moving, which has sort of taken the edge off..

When you say run away, do you mean run away and ending it, or simply asking for room to breathe? To slow things down, but carrying on with the relationship?

And in my defense, she suggested the trip, she suggested staying over. It's not me that has pushed for us moving so fast.

[d0nnivain]

Do you mean vaginismus? I don't know what vaginism is.

 

Anyway, no. I was thinking psychological, not physical. But if she does have vaginismus & especially if she doesn't know it, that could explain her aversion to sex. However, any rational adult who is not a virgin knows that if you have no plans to have penetrative sex with a man, you need to stay out of his bed. The fact that at 32 she's willing to play around but balks at sex is problematic in and of itself.

 

I have no idea why she is pulling back. Only she can answer that for you but given how childish her behavior has been to date, I don't really understand why you aren't willing to just let her go.

[salparadise]

Sounds like the classic fear of intimacy/fear of abandonment dilemma. Moving too fast, then pulling back. Talking it up to create expectation, then going cold once the time arrives. I don't think she's doing this intentionally, it's just her conflicted feelings blowing one way and then the other... depending on which fear she's experiencing in that moment.

 

Of course we have little to go on, so I don't want to speculate too much... but if it is what I suspect it probably indicates deeper issues with her sense of self, which will affect her ability to function in a healthy relationship.

 

I'd say slow things down some until you figure this out. Don't let titillation cloud your judgement on the larger issue.

[Cooper04]

Sounds like the classic fear of intimacy/fear of abandonment dilemma. Moving too fast, then pulling back. Talking it up to create expectation, then going cold once the time arrives. I don't think she's doing this intentionally, it's just her conflicted feelings blowing one way and then the other... depending on which fear she's experiencing in that moment.

 

Of course we have little to go on, so I don't want to speculate too much... but if it is what I suspect it probably indicates deeper issues with her sense of self, which will affect her ability to function in a healthy relationship.

 

I'd say slow things down some until you figure this out. Don't let titillation cloud your judgement on the larger issue.

 

Yeah, this makes sense. She's given me small hints that her last serious relationship, which lasted 5 years, was abusive in nature and ended when he cheated on her.

 

She ended up cancelling our date today, for no real reason. I feel like we're at the stage where it's not ok for me to date someone else, but I will give this a few more weeks. I'll just play it cool and give her space and see if she comes back around.

Apart from the negatives I've talked about in this thread, I've had a sensational first month with her.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Two possibilities come to mind: sexual trauma from the past such as a rape, or she hasn't quite let go emotionally from an ex. If you really, really like her you will have to be patient, but you are risking getting hurt. You have to figure out if the risk is worth it.

[SevenCity]

Always have sex when the opportunity arises with a woman you like or are dating.

 

It's your job as a man to take the lead. She was willing to have sex and can take your actions as rejection. Crazy as that sounds.

[newyorker11356]

I get the sense you may have to be patient with this one.

 

If you really like her, then keep her on the backburner while still going out on dates with other women.

[Cooper04]

If you look through my previous threads on this forum, I have a tendency to attract women with psychological issues. I really thought this one was different.

She seems so happy, outgoing, very sure of herself, ambitious, driven, like she's got her stuff in order you know?

But I guess I've been blinded by infatuation, there's been asides and comments and little actions here and there that points towards commitment issues. Seeing the advice on this thread, all the pieces seems to fall in place.

 

I can't say after a month that I LOVE this girl, but I know I really, really like her.

So I want to give this a chance. I just don't know how..

 

Should I give her space, or should I pursue her harder to show her I'm not just going to go away?

If she worries that people will abandon her, then pulling back/disappearing doesn't seem like the right way to go...

 

 

And really, thank you to all for posting. You have no idea how much it helps to see complete strangers offering advice and support:)

[Mrin]

Okay OP - as others have said I have no clue as to why she is pulling back. But I will offer you some advice as to what to do if you want to give her a chance.

 

Don't: You mentioned in your last post that you were thinking of pursuing her harder. Don't do that. It sounds like you're already pursuing pretty hard and from what you've said, she's a swirling caldron of emotions right now. Turning up the heat will just push her farther away my friend...

 

Do: Just be steady Eddie. Maintain a consistent level of pursuit. Don't get needy. Don't get insecure. Let her know that you are still there and desire her but don't get all whiney if she declines your offers. As I said before, she sounds like she's a caldron of emotions right now. Your job, as the masculine, is to provide a safe place for her to experience and examine her feelings. It is almost like a molting process. She will emerge from this either resolute in wanting to go forward with you or call it quits. There's really nothing you can do except give her a safe space for this process. That, in itself, is doing something. Don't pull back. Don't push. Just keep being there for her and making your desire for her clear. This is a hard row to hoe my friend, but it is the only course of action.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Cooper04]

I thought I'd post an update/rant/whine about this situation.

 

I've tried to follow the advice given in this thread, been persistent without pushing, not complained or been negative, just trying to let her set the pace.

 

My gut feeling was definetely correct, she's has pulled back.

2 things I should mention. Early on, I asked about her dating history. Her last serious relationship ended 4 years ago, since then she said she'd been dating "a lot". But she would always end it after a month or two, as she wasn't looking for anything serious. I pressed her on this, and she insisted things were different now and she was looking for something serious, but yeah.. Clearly theres a pattern here.

Also, she is very ambitious. She is very serious about her new job and part of her behaviour these last 2 weeks can easily be explained by her being stressed about work.

 

As mentioned before, things got quite sexual on our trip, despite her desire to wait. I was very much the aggressor, so I wonder if I may have pushed her too far and scared her.

We had a date set the next weekend, which she cancelled with a poor excuse. We then set a new date for the following sunday, dinner at mine. She cancelled this too, saying she had to prepare for a meeting at work Monday. I believe this was true. We met up on the monday night instead.

We just went for a walk, I felt the entire time she was testing me. Pushing my buttons, trying to get a reaction from me. But she also talked about me meeting her family, which was weird as all the affection and romance seems to be gone.

 

Spoke to her on the phone wednesday, asked her out saturday. She said no, saying she was busy all weekend because of a big family celebration-things(Which she has talked about for months, so fair enough..)

 

But she then suggested next friday instead, and said "Sorry I'm so busy at the moment, but I'm free to meet you all April"

 

 

I don't get it. She never initiates texts or snaps anymore, she acts cold and distant when we meet. But if she wanted to end this, why not just say so? Why talk about meeting her family, set up dates 2 weeks in advance, talk about being free in April etc.?

 

The way I see it, one of two things is happening.

Either something has made her think we're not a match and she is simply losing interest. But if that's the case, why not just end it? She's usually a very direct person.

The other option, this is some deep commitment-issue. In which case, I have no clue what to do..

[Redguitar35]

I don't get it. She never initiates texts or snaps anymore, she acts cold and distant when we meet. But if she wanted to end this, why not just say so? Why talk about meeting her family, set up dates 2 weeks in advance, talk about being free in April etc.?

 

 

The question you should be asking is why you haven't blocked this girl out of your life. You're not happy. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes the world easier to face. That's not what she's giving you. Instead you're spending all your time trying to figure out her odd behavior. I would end things with her. The time you're spending worrying over this woman could be better spent finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have the baggage she has. I don't care what her baggage is, that's not your problem.

[newyorker11356]

The question you should be asking is why you haven't blocked this girl out of your life. You're not happy. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes the world easier to face. That's not what she's giving you. Instead you're spending all your time trying to figure out her odd behavior. I would end things with her. The time you're spending worrying over this woman could be better spent finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have the baggage she has. I don't care what her baggage is, that's not your problem.

 

This is actually a solid post from you.

[Cooper04]

The question you should be asking is why you haven't blocked this girl out of your life. You're not happy. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes the world easier to face. That's not what she's giving you. Instead you're spending all your time trying to figure out her odd behavior. I would end things with her. The time you're spending worrying over this woman could be better spent finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have the baggage she has. I don't care what her baggage is, that's not your problem.

 

I know this is hitting the nail on the head..

Our first 6 weeks were so fantastic, then things have been difficult the last 2 weeks. Which is why I'm willing to be a little patient. I will give it one last go with the date next weekend.

I don't want to confront her, give her an ultimatum or try to force her hand in any way, but I do need to know what is going on.

[smackie9]

Confronting her is exactly you need to do. You both are adults IN YOUR 30's I might add you, and honest communication is for the benefit of the both of you. Grow a back bone and talk about it. If she can't then there is no foundation for a relationship. No more wasting your time.

[Cooper04]

Confronting her is exactly you need to do. You both are adults IN YOUR 30's I might add you, and honest communication is for the benefit of the both of you. Grow a back bone and talk about it. If she can't then there is no foundation for a relationship. No more wasting your time.

 

Sorry, english is not my first language.

I know I do need to talk to her about this, but what I meant was I do not want to come at her with an angry and accusatory tone. She doesn't owe me anything, if I act like she does I will push her further away.

[greymatter]

Sorry, english is not my first language.

I know I do need to talk to her about this, but what I meant was I do not want to come at her with an angry and accusatory tone. She doesn't owe me anything, if I act like she does I will push her further away.

 

I don't think that smackie meant to confront her in an angry manner, but simply to have a very direct conversation about your concerns and thinking about all of this. I don't know that I even agree with that, but if you decide to commute, yes, of course do it by talking about what you need in a relationship that you aren't currently experiencing, or however you decide to approach it that is about where you are coming from and what you would like to see happen. See what her response is and go from there. The alternative is to say nothing, give yourself some space and a break from all of this and see how you feel. I don't feel like I have very good advice to give in this situation but I understand this is hard on you.

[greymatter]

The question you should be asking is why you haven't blocked this girl out of your life. You're not happy. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes the world easier to face. That's not what she's giving you. Instead you're spending all your time trying to figure out her odd behavior. I would end things with her. The time you're spending worrying over this woman could be better spent finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have the baggage she has. I don't care what her baggage is, that's not your problem.

 

Everyone who has been in relationships has baggage, even people who have been in relatively healthy relationships that have ended. Being with different partners will bring a unique set of issues and things to deal with that are unique to each partner. There will almost always be issues and conflict in any romantic pairing, the issues will just be different with different partners. Baggage (depending on the type, and only the OP can determine that) comes with the territory and if everyone broke up with every partner because of baggage, no one would ever be together. If OP's girlfriend doesn't want to communicate or resolve anything, then that's a huge problem.

[newyorker11356]

Everyone who has been in relationships has baggage, even people who have been in relatively healthy relationships that have ended. Being with different partners will bring a unique set of issues and things to deal with that are unique to each partner. There will almost always be issues and conflict in any romantic pairing, the issues will just be different with different partners. Baggage (depending on the type, and only the OP can determine that) comes with the territory and if everyone broke up with every partner because of baggage, no one would ever be together. If OP's girlfriend doesn't want to communicate or resolve anything, then that's a huge problem.

 

Agreed.

 

Lack of communication is a MAJOR issue. I can deal with some baggage since essentially everyone (including myself) has some of that.

 

It's the lack of communication that would be a major dealbreaker.

[healing light]

I get the distinct impression this woman is afraid of sex. As her timeline drew closer to the 3 month mark, she is finding all sorts of excuses to delay it. And it has nothing to do with you.

 

Yes, I do think it's possible she's a virgin, she has vaginismus, or there was some kind of sexual trauma. Imo, most likely one of the first two.

 

I was an older virgin (32) for circumstantial reasons relating to my health/the types of men I attracted (emotionally unavailable), and I know a few others who were, too. All I wanted was to be in a mutually loving relationship and it didn't happen until then. So this is not outside of the realm of possibility. The stereotypes about virgins can really miss the mark, they certainly did for me, so I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of her personality. As you get older, it starts to hold more stigma and feels built up to be more than it is, so you have to make a conscious effort to push through the judgment and be vulnerable enough to admit the truth. I was very clear with my boyfriend what I needed and what my situation was so he wasn't left hanging.

 

A relative of mine had vaginismus and I recall that in the beginning even half a finger elicited pain. It can take many months and even therapy to work through this.

 

Whatever the case, this woman seems to be allowing her fears to rule the day and isn't communicating with you...so I'm sorry to say, it's probably best that you cut your losses since she does not seem to be available for a healthy relationship. Analyzing why will just drive you mad, especially since I'm sure it has nothing to do with you.

[preraph]

I'd ask her if she has pain and that's what's preventing her. Vaginismus is psychological and physical, spasming. There are other things that can make a person small there that are strictly physical anomalies but can be easily cured through minor surgery.

 

I knew someone who didn't go into detail but did have one of those two problems, and she was constantly looking for some guy who was super small, but really she was celibate as far as I could tell most of the time. My ex bf told me about trying to do it with her and she later told me in very brief terms about it, but she refused to go to a doctor and get help for it. She became an alcoholic.

 

One way you might lead up to it is simply, "Is there any physical reason that makes it uncomfortable for you to have intercourse, or is it just your preference not to?"

[Agonistes]

I think you have been more than patient. It's is time to make her decide whether she wants you in her life and in what manner. Then you need to decide what you want. The status quo is clearly not good for you. Change it for the better or move on.