On the fence after 3 dates

[suckered]

I started seeing a new guy recently that I met through OLD.

 

I am not sure how I feel about him. He seems very nervous and somewhat socially awkward. It doesn't really bother me but I would prefer to get to know him better before I commit to anything.

 

So far, we have had activity based dates that I enjoyed. He has recently started dropping hints that he would like to cook me dinner which is in my experience code for sex. I am not ready for that yet (we have only kissed lightly, not even a full make out).

 

I am not sure if I should openly tell him that I want to take it slow or just keep suggesting out of home dates. I also don't want to string him along but there are slim pickings of men to date where I live. In the past, I have felt more of a physical draw by this stage. Just kinda don't know what to do.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

there are slim pickings of men to date where I live. In the past, I have felt more of a physical draw by this stage. Just kinda don't know what to do.

 

Don't settle.

[greymatter]

It sounds like you're thinking about settling for less than what you know will work.

[snowboy91]

In the past, I have felt more of a physical draw by this stage.

 

Here's your answer. If you don't feel the physical draw now, you'll always be on the fence. You deserve someone who you know is a good match for you, and he deserves someone who feels that way about him.

 

I wouldn't take this further. I know, as you say, it's "slim pickings" but you still shouldn't settle.

[alphamale]

Just kinda don't know what to do.

 

keep on going on out of home dates until you know for sure. and let him know this is what you're doing

[alphamale]

It sounds like you're thinking about settling for less than what you know will work.

 

if people didn't "settle" the human race would have died off years ago

[smackie9]

I tried the "Give him a chance" thing. I let it run for a month...I just couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't sexually attracted even tho I wanted it that way. I wished I never did it because he ended up being really hurt and I felt like an a-hole.

 

I suggest you not bother.

[alphamale]

I tried the "Give him a chance" thing. I let it run for a month...I just couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't sexually attracted even tho I wanted it that way. I wished I never did it because he ended up being really hurt and I felt like an a-hole.

 

I suggest you not bother.

 

even nerds need love smackie

[Maggie4]

Do you think the physical attraction can develop? For me, it has happened, but only with men that are not unattractive and we started as friends. That usually happens with me when the man is very kind. In your case, you start off dating, so there is more pressure. At some point he will make a move for physical intimacy and you will have to reject him, or tell him something about taking it slow.

[Redguitar35]

I think you’re wasting this poor dude’s time. You’re stringing him along. You don’t find him attractive. It’s been three dates and you still haven’t had sex, and it sounds like you’re not planning to any time soon. I’m amazed by his patience. I might have split if we didn’t have sex on the first or second date.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Redguitar35

[joseb]

I think you’re wasting this poor dude’s time. You’re stringing him along. .

 

Yes. You are wasting your time and his.

[newyorker11356]

I think you’re wasting this poor dude’s time. You’re stringing him along. You don’t find him attractive. It’s been three dates and you still haven’t had sex, and it sounds like you’re not planning to any time soon. I’m amazed by his patience. I might have split if we didn’t have sex on the first or second date.

 

Plenty of people wait until way after 3 dates to have sex. Believe it or not, some of us don't have sex at the top of the priority list early on, even if it may be important to us (which it is to me).

[Be_Strong]

if people didn't "settle" the human race would have died off years ago

 

So true. It’s easy to tell people “don’t settle”, but what does that even mean? Dating is a crapshoot. There is zero guarantee that somebody will have the opportunity to find a mate that is better than the instant option. At some point, a person must weigh the odds of finding better against the value of staying with the current option. The lower the odds of finding a better match, and the higher the value of the current option, the more likely that the person “settles” and decides to stay with the current option.

[Highndry]

Have to agree - move on. Not fair to him or you.

[Lorenza]

I'd rather stay single than date someone I'm not physically drawn to. Dating someone just because there isn't so many options to choose from sounds horrible.

 

The Earth is overpopulated anyway, so you don't have to worry about saving the human race and settling for the first available guy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd rather stay single than date someone I'm not physically drawn to. Dating someone just because there isn't so many options to choose from sounds horrible.

 

The Earth is overpopulated anyway, so you don't have to worry about saving the human race and settling for the first available guy.

 

Omg, I totally agree. I'm past pro-creating age (well, not technically I guess), but there's no way I'm committing to someone who either gets on my nerves or I'm not attracted to.

 

I imagine, though, that the temptation to "settle" is stronger for those who either are still hoping to have children/a family, or simply hate being alone.

[Redguitar35]

Plenty of people wait until way after 3 dates to have sex.

 

Who, senior citizens? I don't understand why some believe we should wait until the wedding night to have sex.

 

In my experience, if sex didn't occur within the first 2 dates, it never did. That's what others are telling OP. If she hasn't found the desire to have sex with this guy three dates in, it's probably not gonna happen.

[newyorker11356]

Who, senior citizens? I don't understand why some believe we should wait until the wedding night to have sex.

 

In my experience, if sex didn't occur within the first 2 dates, it never did. That's what others are telling OP. If she hasn't found the desire to have sex with this guy three dates in, it's probably not gonna happen.

 

Funny, I know people (myself included) that didn't have sex with a girl till after 3 dates (way after as well).

 

Who said anything about waiting until the wedding night? Lol, way to use an extreme example. That being said, people that are religious and believe in sex after marriage would wait that long, and there's nothing wrong with it if that's what two people want.

 

And no, not senior citizens, but people of all ages.

 

Fact is, a lot of women (and even some guys) aren't down to have sex with someone after only a couple of dates. Doesn't mean they aren't into you. You can easily gauge if they are into you in other ways.

 

Now, you're entitled to want a woman that's down to immediately have sex with you within 1-2 dates, but I can safely say you may have turned off some women that were into you in the past with this belief.

 

As for the OP, she's just not into the guy in all likelihood. Having sex on the 1st date, or not having it after 3 or so dates wouldn't have changed that.

Edited March 1, 2018 by newyorker11356

[Redguitar35]

Funny, I know people (myself included) that didn't have sex with a girl till after 3 dates (way after as well).

 

Who said anything about waiting until the wedding night? Lol, way to use an extreme example. That being said, people that are religious and believe in sex after marriage would wait that long, and there's nothing wrong with it if that's what two people want.

 

And no, not senior citizens, but people of all ages.

 

Fact is, a lot of women (and even some guys) aren't down to have sex with someone after only a couple of dates. Doesn't mean they aren't into you. You can easily gauge if they are into you in other ways.

 

Now, you're entitled to want a woman that's down to immediately have sex with you within 1-2 dates, but I can safely say you may have turned off some women that were into you in the past with this belief.

 

As for the OP, she's just not into the guy in all likelihood. Having sex on the 1st date, or not having it after 3 or so dates wouldn't have changed that.

You see, I disagree. I feel like requiring sex early on has allowed me to more quickly and efficiently weed out women are are lukewarm about me and just want attention instead of wasting my time and hard earned money on boring dates that lead nowhere. You have acknowledged that OP is wasting this guys time and doesn’t find him attractive. If he had demanded sex early on, he would’ve identified this disinterest in her part a lot sooner, don’t you think?

[Eternal Sunshine]

You see, I disagree. I feel like requiring sex early on has allowed me to more quickly and efficiently weed out women are are lukewarm about me and just want attention instead of wasting my time and hard earned money on boring dates that lead nowhere. You have acknowledged that OP is wasting this guys time and doesn’t find him attractive. If he had demanded sex early on, he would’ve identified this disinterest in her part a lot sooner, don’t you think?

 

Wow so you find doing activities with someone boring. Whenever a guy pushes for sex on first to second date, I get the desperate vibe. I just assume he must have not seen the kitty in a long time so this is his only chance

Edited March 1, 2018 by Eternal Sunshine

[CptInsano]

You see, I disagree. I feel like requiring sex early on has allowed me to more quickly and efficiently weed out women are are lukewarm about me and just want attention instead of wasting my time and hard earned money on boring dates that lead nowhere. You have acknowledged that OP is wasting this guys time and doesn’t find him attractive. If he had demanded sex early on, he would’ve identified this disinterest in her part a lot sooner, don’t you think?

 

While early sex is surely an indicator of an interest beyond friendship, the opposite criterion is somewhat crude, meaning that a woman can have a clear romantic interest without early sex. I usually gauged that from the level of interest or initiative, her level of trust, and how affectionate she is. For example, one of my later gfs didn't want to have sex early on, but she really wanted to see me and didn't let go of my hand for most of the dates. She also made sure we always had a next date. To me it's more a question of progression, and whether things are going somewhere.

[newyorker11356]

You see, I disagree. I feel like requiring sex early on has allowed me to more quickly and efficiently weed out women are are lukewarm about me and just want attention instead of wasting my time and hard earned money on boring dates that lead nowhere. You have acknowledged that OP is wasting this guys time and doesn’t find him attractive. If he had demanded sex early on, he would’ve identified this disinterest in her part a lot sooner, don’t you think?

 

Except a woman can like a guy, and not want to immediately have sex with him.

 

I've heard stories of people having sex on the 1st/2nd date, and not seeing each other again. Having sex with someone very early on doesn't mean they like you.

Edited March 1, 2018 by newyorker11356

[Redguitar35]

Except a woman can like a guy, and not want to immediately have sex with him.

 

That is not the case here according to OP’s description of things. She has been dating him even though she has personally admitted she has no sexual feelings for him and she has no intention of ever having sex with him.

 

 

I've heard stories of people having sex on the 1st/2nd date, and not seeing each other again. Having sex with someone very early on doesn't mean they like you.

I have done that myself several times, and I can tell you that I would rather have sex with someone and then never see them again than go on for several weeks of dates that don’t involve sex only to have the girl tell me she doesn’t feel a spark. That scenario is probably much more common.

 

It’s definitely a lot cheaper to invite someone over and get right to business.This guy OP is stringing along has probably dropped hundreds of dollars on dates with her and he’s getting nothing out of it. It’s going to feel awful for him when she finally tells him this isn’t working. If he doesn’t come to his senses and cut her off first, which is what I’d recommend to him.

[newyorker11356]

That is not the case here according to OP’s description of things. She has been dating him even though she has personally admitted she has no sexual feelings for him and she has no intention of ever having sex with him.

 

 

 

I have done that myself several times, and I can tell you that I would rather have sex with someone and then never see them again than go on for several weeks of dates that don’t involve sex only to have the girl tell me she doesn’t feel a spark. That scenario is probably much more common.

 

It’s definitely a lot cheaper to invite someone over and get right to business.This guy OP is stringing along has probably dropped hundreds of dollars on dates with her and he’s getting nothing out of it. It’s going to feel awful for him when she finally tells him this isn’t working. If he doesn’t come to his senses and cut her off first, which is what I’d recommend to him.

 

In this case, sure, it doesn't seem like she's that into him. However, like I said, there are other signs there that show if someone is interested in you or not.

 

Sure, if all you're looking for is casual sex/hookups, then you weed them out after 1/2 dates. Don't disagree there, but I'm not looking for casual sex/hookups nowadays.

 

Also, if the guy has dropped hundreds of dollars on these dates, that's his fault. So many dates you can do that are free or don't involve a lot of money.

[BarbedFenceRider]

And then, I've been told of the "dates" that were only obtained upon the promise of a free meal and activity.... No attraction at all, but atleast they got a free meal.

 

I kinda agree with Red. Maybe not full on sex, but something.... After 4, she's out the door. No attraction, no motivation.