About flirting

[purplerain09]

This will be my first experience with someone who seems to be clearly interested in me but i am feeling a little insecure with his gestures as he has just been in contact with me for about 1.5 weeks and we have never met except for one or two video calls so far. so he has then been sending me endearing remarks and just simply wishes to do things for me and pamper me to death. I just don't know how to respond to his verbal hints sometimes and i keep telling him to slow down. I am just not sure if this is normal behaviour as I dont want the conversations to just be filled with his flirtatious remarks making it difficult for me to think about what topic to talk to him about. he does discuss with me about his work and hobbies but nothing too deep yet. How can i get him to stop flirting with me all the time and get on to have interesting conversations?

[act00]

This is a red flag for me. I'm assuming you met online. If so, frauds don't move beyond superficial talk and want to flatter you (way overkill flattery) and make promises of gifts and pampering. They can't keep their story straight because there is no story. It's fake, so they avoid it. They may talk about themselves superficially, but can't really talk in depth because there is no real life or history, and they can't talk with you and your life because there are hundreds of other women being fished and they can't keep the stories straight...you're likely not talking to one guy, but whoever is on shift at the moment. Demand a meetup. No meet, no text, no talk. Is he long distance? Flattery and and promises of pampering+long distance=Fraud.

 

If this guy is genuine, talking about daily lives and whatnot should come organically. He'll be asking about you. You'll be asking about him. You'll share your nightmare this morning trying to get to work, and he'll banter back with a story that happened to him. It's what people do. It's how normal people interact when they first meet. You have probably had better conversation with a customer or client over the phone than you have with with this guy over the past 1.5 weeks...red flag.

 

Share more about how you met. If you met through a friend, through work, at the gas station, or at the bar, it can change the possibilities on how to approach this.

 

For me, regardless, no meet, no text, no talk. Let's put this flattery and promises of pampering to the test...in real life.

[purplerain09]

we were introduced by a friend and i trust my friend will not introduce me to someone who she feels is odd or has abnormal behaviour. I may be exaggerating the flirtatious comments as i have not been treated that way before and i am very rational and diplomatic in my relationships with others. I don't even like people calling me 'dear' when they don't know me well enough. he on the other side seem to be very romantic and feels the need to let me know that he really likes me by saying things like wanting to cook and bring breakfast to me or offer a massage. today he went one level higher by saying that he would like to kiss my feet. so these kind of gestures made me wonder if he would use the same dialog with anyone else since we only got to know each other just for 1.5 weeks and he is getting emotionally close to me. i just don't want to be in the situation where he changes his mind the moment he sees and spends time with me and it will be unfair for me to fall for his words now and end up getting hurt when we realise that we may not be a good match when we meet and spend time together. I am trying to flirt with him as well not to appear too serious but i feel the need to be in control when he is hopelessly not able to.

[smackie9]

You can't control the situation to make it more acceptable for YOU. He's trying to sell you on how wonderful he is inch by inch, and IMO that's very slime ballish. Guys who try too hard always have something up their sleeve.

 

Your friend wouldn't know jack S^&% about this guy unless they dated him themselves.

[Versacehottie]

It's a bit of a red flag to me. It doesn't necessary have to mean he is a dishonest person. He definitely could be disingenuous.

 

Needless to say, the MOST important part, is when you keep trying to slow someone down (and it's totally fair to be trying to do that at 1.5 weeks & you sound as if you haven't dated much) and they blow it off or CAN'T do that, then maybe they just aren't for you. Bottom line you need to vibe with someone, be on the same wavelength and have similar values. To me, a guy who approached like this and basically insisted when you actually voiced needing to slow down would lose his appeal.

 

That said, in the long run you might need to become a little more acclimated to flirting. I don't necessary think his is good--if someone is full on 100% of the time, the flirting loses it's value. But if a guy is able to balance it out some more between more regular talk and flirting more here and there, you need to be able to handle it in the dating world because it's normal. That's what makes me think that you just haven't had much experience and he's not being genuine. You don't need to continue anything where you don't feel comfortable. Do what feels right for you. Good luck

[smackie9]

Like I said in another thread...if they know you are vulnerable/inexperienced/sensitive, they will take advantage of you.

[purplerain09]

thank you for the honest feedback, yes, i am already getting bored with his repeated same verbal gestures. he seems like a nice guy but i don't think he knows how to handle relationships well. i will give him a little bit more time to see how he communicates with me overtime and i will have to not take his flirting seriously for now. But i will keep in mind your feedbacks to be careful.

[Versacehottie]

thank you for the honest feedback, yes, i am already getting bored with his repeated same verbal gestures. he seems like a nice guy but i don't think he knows how to handle relationships well. i will give him a little bit more time to see how he communicates with me overtime and i will have to not take his flirting seriously for now. But i will keep in mind your feedbacks to be careful.

 

Sometimes guys do what he is doing because HE doesn't have much experience so he is doing what he thinks should be done. The persistence and lack of being to connect with you in a real way would be a no go even if you do understand that he just isn't that experienced himself.

 

Maybe rather than trying to have a discussion that is serious where you try to slow him down--jokingly call him out on the ridiculousness of his statements, like being sarcastic or funny. He just might be able to see how hollow his flirting is coming off to you.

[act00]

Flames that burn hot fast, burn out pretty fast too. Take his words with a grain of salt. They mean nothing. Actions are the real deal. YOU control this. Don't fall for the words. Meet him, date him. Two to three months from now, what started out fast and furious can end just as quickly. You need to monitor yourself and don't get sucked in too quickly. You can take measures to reign him in...just talk about normal stuff. If he can't or won't, you will need to tell him he's not the one for you. He won't or can't be in a serious relationship that moves beyond his superficial flattery.

 

He hasn't met you in person yet, and it's a risk that when you do meet in person, it doesn't work out. This is life. You can continue this video call and text relationship with all the dreams and "what ifs" indefinitely, and worry and fret, or you can rip off the Band-Aid and meet and see where it goes.

 

I got set up through a friend, and this guy was flowing with complements and flattery, and I found it overkill, and what is he compensating for? It was a bit much. That's not to say I didn't enjoy the flattery. Who wouldn't? But it's a lot of words and a little red-flaggy. As it turns out, the guy was just "too busy." One date a month, maybe, wasn't going to work for me, and all the flattery doesn't compensate for someone who is tangible, available; a friend, a lover. I told him to I was no longer interested. Maybe that's why my guy was so flowery and thick with his words...keep me sucked in while he was "busy." I honestly don't know, and I never will.

 

One thing I will advise, as this man came into your life through a friend, is be careful about your relationship discussion with this friend. She's not the go-between as a point of a love triangle. The friend is merely a matchmaker, not someone who gets to be directly involved in your relationship. No middle man. I would even refrain from contacting this friend and asking what's up with this dude, even if I really want to.

 

ETA: Meet in person. Nothing counts until you do.

Edited February 24, 2018 by act00

[purplerain09]

you actually read my mind, i was about to approach my friend to just ask why is he behaving this way on a speed boat level and if there is anything about him that i need to know that makes him seem to be working too hard to make me understand that he is very interested. but yeah, i will just have to be the smart one for now and tell him off whenever i feel like he is getting too far with his words especially when he says things about physical contact verbally. although like you said its nice to have all these flattery comments passed at to show that he may truly care for me like a queen but still its really too early days for anyone to say that and to fall for. i guess i just need to be the strong one and keep myself busy.