Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 (edited) Dear all, please would you be able to help, I'm unsure if I'm being paranoid here or not In a nutshell, a man has been pursuing me from work ( I was cautious at first but did really like him ), for six months and finally we got together and we had a lovely date together a couple of weeks ago, a coffee date and then he said he began making me lunch and bringing it to the office for me which was really sweet and he texts daily He initially promised a date in a nice restaurant and everything, then a few days before changed plans and suggested he brings the meal to my place, hinting he wants to steal some kisses which was ok but also saying " maybe you have a surprise for me " fine as we cannot kiss in public, he is full of excuses, he doesn't want PDA, we can't be seen together which is true as he is in a senior level position above me at work Fine and I said to him, I was uncomfortable him coming to my place so soon, could he come over and we could go out, nobody lives here from work and he then says, he has a cold and it'll be freezing and he can't afford to get ill and we must stay in - and then he invites me to his mate's place where he says he is staying! He says he has rented out his own place, his mate will be out and I can come round for a meal that he will cook for me for a few hours My gut instinct is saying no, it seems too weird with too many excuses and he asked how I felt and I said I was uncomfortable and would like to go out, I said when it was warmer and sunnier it would be nice and he said yes we could go then But I feel like he's coming up with far too many ridiculous excuses! He said if I like we can leave it until it is warmer and go out then Am I being too high maintenance and too fussy? A part of me thinks it would be nice to get to know him and spend some time in his company and the setting isn't all that important and yes I would like to kiss him too as I am attracted to him! :-) The phone call became stiff and formal and frosty I think and I said coldly, what are the options and now feel bad about being cold but felt anxious and hurt and I said I would let him know either tonight or in the morning what I would do - I feel irritated by it all right now, the worst thing is feeling like his dirty little secret and was tempted to text him and tell him that was how it felt and I would wait until it was warmer or it would not go ahead Or am I over-reacting here? Please somebody help if you can, I did really like him before now, however I'm not sure I want to know anymore thanks Think what I am so angry about is the way it changed from a romantic date to a let's hang out at a mate's house which is a den and I feel insulted that he will not take me out, makes one feel a dirty little secret to be sure and tempted to text and say honestly how I feel XXX Love DLD Edited February 24, 2018 by Dear Lady Disdain Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Hey Lady Disdain, It’s hard to say what’s really going through his head but I think he’s focused on getting laid. I get that he’s trying to protect his job but if he could take you out for a coffee date then why is it so dangerous to go for dinner? It doesn’t add up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Thanks FilterCoffee it appeared so to me too and I feel quite insulted and hurt to tell you the truth that he thinks that...he's from another race and maybe they think all white women are trash, that's how I feel at the moment Agree with you, it doesn't compute - he could even get there before me and we could leave separately, unless he's saying he doesn't have the money for dinner, I know he is in a well paid job though To me his money doesn't matter and we could go somewhere cheap for coffee, it's ridiculous to me as surely he could come over here and we could go out for two minutes to a coffee shop Alas I think it's game over though I was really into him before XX thanks for your reply, you are confirming exactly what I thought Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Or I may give him a chance and talk more to him in person about this...maybe he too feels offended and thinks I don't fancy him XX Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 The whole situation seems a bit sketchy. It's really hard to say because I understand the need to be discrete, particularly because he's of higher rank in the workplace. It makes me wonder if he's after sex and using the work situation as an excuse. Dear all, please would you be able to help, I'm unsure if I'm being paranoid here or not In a nutshell, a man has been pursuing me from work ( I was cautious at first but did really like him ), for six months and finally we got together and we had a lovely date together a couple of weeks ago, a coffee date and then he *said* he began making me lunch and bringing it to the office for me which was really sweet and he texts daily (*asterisks mine) Did he bring you lunches every day or did he SAY he brought you lunches every day? Was there physical proof of these lunches that were not forthcoming, or did these lunches actually materialize of which you ate and enjoyed? You had a public coffee date and he brought you lunches, which I doubt would go unnoticed by peers, so this sudden turnaround with the cloak of secrecy makes me think there might be something else going on here. The excuse of not liking PDA, so you can't even get hand holding...like he's having an affair. He may not be married or in a relationship, but is he boinking other women in the office? How many are operating under this umbrella of discretion? We go from going out to dinner to "hanging out" at his friend's place? Sex much? Now the latest update, you suspect he considers you of lesser value. Great boss...um, can o' worms opened up everywhere here...the boss may consider white women as trash...the boss...and you are a white, female subordinate...and of little value...and he's trying to sleep with you. This whole thing just unraveled into an HR nightmare in 2 posts. Call this off. Use the fact that he is a superior and coworkers getting involved is not a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Thanks Actoo, yes it feels shady enough! To be fair, he did make me about five lunches for every day I was working in the office and I met them and he gave them to me in private which was really sweet of him, none of our other colleagues have any idea what is going on, we are safe there and have managed the situation perfectly It's the fact he doesn't want to go out on a date now with me that makes me feel insulted like I'm a dirty little secret he needs to hide away Us being colleagues has been absolutely fine...we went for our coffee date at the weekend and it was lovely, we had a lot in common and he even said afterwards he was touched by my warmth and kindness, so this has really surprised me... I didn't think it'd be like this, very disappointed and just want to back off to protect myself from feeling more hurt now X Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 You're right to be suspicious. I would say that he might just be really paranoid about being seen by someone from work. But the way he is saying things... Is he possibly in a relationship? If he feels scared about being seen with you, it will not be a fun relationship. Proceed only with caution Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 Thanks yes, I don't understand as when we first went out he was living at his usual address and it smells fishy to me I just don't want to have anything to do with it and I'm being ultra-cautious, I thought it was all perfect but I guess I idealised everything, we had a lovely first date though in a coffee shop, alarm bells did start to ring though when he cancelled our date out and just wanted to come to mine I can't afford to have my heart broken, it's been broken too many times already and it's hurtful to me to feel like somebody he would rather keep a secret X Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Sounds like he could be married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Sounds like he could be married. Yes my thoughts exactly Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Yeah..this sounds shady as hell! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I can't afford to have my heart broken, it's been broken too many times already Unrelated to your question but...as much as it hurts, yes, you can afford to have it broken. It hurts like the dickens but not nearly as much as forgoing the love of your life. Sadly, we just have to accept that with the reward comes the risk. But I for one will risk everything if it means having that soulful connection with the one person who made my life worth living. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Tell him you don't like all this secrecy and don't like all these rules so you will not be seeing him anymore unless this all changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainah Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Sounds like he could be married. This is what I thought too Link to post Share on other sites
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