I'm having a hard time accepting my girlfriend's past

[BlueKindaSteelish]

Hello all, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and nervous about posting here but since my girlfriend has been introduced to some of my friends, I don't feel safe to confide in them on the off chance that they will tell her this.

 

My girlfriend and I started dating last summer, she and I have had our issues but when it comes down to it, I feel we have a good relationship. One thing I am finding hard to accept is the fact that she was very promiscuous in college. She openly states how she hooked up with several guys, and call me a prude or whatever, but random hook ups are something I never really understood or wanted to be a part of. I feel it is very dangerous to do such, I also feel it shows a disregard for personal safety. Sex is when we as humans are extremely vulnerable and it should be shared between two people who respect and care for each other. I have brought this up to her before, I was wondering if maybe she felt the desire to have sex with random men was because of a poor upbringing or some other underlying issue, which in that case I could understand because it isn't unusual for someone who had a painful childhood to seek comfort in such a way. But when I asked her why she desired to have her random hook ups, she just said "it was fun and that's all I wanted from the guy, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted."

 

When she and I have sex, I don't feel like she sees it as something special because she has done it many times before with other guys and that it isn't a special moment we share together as a couple because she has done the exact same thing with guys she wasn't with romantically nor desired to be in a relationship with. She also admitted to having been the other woman when a guy cheated on his girlfriend. She said they were both really drunk and out of the guys she hooked up with, she actually was romantically interested in him. She told me he came onto her first and that she didn't remember he was in a relationship, but I honestly find that really hard to believe.

 

I really do like this girl, but this one thing just keeps coming back to form some sort of cloud over my view of her. I would love to hear from people who have been in the same boat. Thank you.

[BluesPower]

Hello all, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and nervous about posting here but since my girlfriend has been introduced to some of my friends, I don't feel safe to confide in them on the off chance that they will tell her this.

 

My girlfriend and I started dating last summer, she and I have had our issues but when it comes down to it, I feel we have a good relationship. One thing I am finding hard to accept is the fact that she was very promiscuous in college. She openly states how she hooked up with several guys, and call me a prude or whatever, but random hook ups are something I never really understood or wanted to be a part of. I feel it is very dangerous to do such, I also feel it shows a disregard for personal safety. Sex is when we as humans are extremely vulnerable and it should be shared between two people who respect and care for each other. I have brought this up to her before, I was wondering if maybe she felt the desire to have sex with random men was because of a poor upbringing or some other underlying issue, which in that case I could understand because it isn't unusual for someone who had a painful childhood to seek comfort in such a way. But when I asked her why she desired to have her random hook ups, she just said "it was fun and that's all I wanted from the guy, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted."

 

When she and I have sex, I don't feel like she sees it as something special because she has done it many times before with other guys and that it isn't a special moment we share together as a couple because she has done the exact same thing with guys she wasn't with romantically nor desired to be in a relationship with. She also admitted to having been the other woman when a guy cheated on his girlfriend. She said they were both really drunk and out of the guys she hooked up with, she actually was romantically interested in him. She told me he came onto her first and that she didn't remember he was in a relationship, but I honestly find that really hard to believe.

 

I really do like this girl, but this one thing just keeps coming back to form some sort of cloud over my view of her. I would love to hear from people who have been in the same boat. Thank you.

 

You are really old enough to understand this... but here goes.

 

People have different views on sex. You and her have different views on sex.

 

Now, I have had my share of sex and random sex, some are great and some a OK, and sometimes it is just whatever.

 

For me when I am in love with a girl it is much more special and meaningful. When I am not it can still be great.

 

I am not saying how you feel is right or wrong, and the way that she feels if right or wrong, I am saying that it is different.

 

What you need to watch out for is the fact that you don't want to condemn her point of view, and make her feel bad because you don't feel that way.

 

If it is a problem for you then you should not be dating her...

[BaileyB]

She also admitted to having been the other woman when a guy cheated on his girlfriend.

 

Well, you clearly have different thoughts on what sex means to you. She sees it as more of a physical act while you see it as an emotional expression of feelings. I'm with you on that one... but, others will disagree and that's fine.

 

The past is the past. What she has done before your relationship, is really her business and nothing to concern yourself with - assuming that she has been tested for std's and she is committed to a faithful relationship with you.

 

The thing that I found most concerning is her admission that she has been the "other woman." This speaks to her respect for boundaries in relationships - or lack there-of. I would be more concerned about this than her promiscuity during college... something that is actually quite common for that age and stage of life.

[smackie9]

Your GF doesn’t have a one track mind. She is human, she has the ability to love, feel love and see sex as special with someone. Having a past doesn’t always define the the person that you see before you. Sorry but sex is just sex. It’s how you feel emotionally is what makes sex special.

[basil67]

Our past makes us who we are today. Life experience - the good and the bad - is all part of learning and growing.

 

If she didn't have the past she has, she would be a different person.

[Cookiesandough]

I’d have the same problem op if my bf said the same things as your gf . Wouldn’t sit well with me. It’s just my values though. Everyone is different.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

You have a specific opinion about sex, it's not right or wrong and her specific opinion on sex isn't right or wrong either, it's just differen than yours.

 

I had plenty of casual sex in my life and it does not make sex with my BF less special. It is actually very special because I am in love with him.

 

The fact she was 'the other woman' isn't much concern either. She is young and did a stupid thing. It doesn't make her a cheater. It just makes her someone that has more growing to do.

 

Finally I think you should stop dating her and find someone you are comfortable with. From being on here I have learn it's too much to handle for young male to have a girlfriend that has more sexual experience. You will never be able to over-look this and probably will look down on her, if you don't already do it.

[kendahke]

Sex is when we as humans are extremely vulnerable and it should be shared between two people who respect and care for each other.

 

she just said "it was fun and that's all I wanted from the guy, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted.

 

You two are over except for the breaking up if this is your mindset.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change your girlfriend's past. If she's at peace with it and has gotten that out of her system, then that's good enough.

 

Nothing will spin the earth backwards to the moment before she OK'd it with herself to take this path, which for her was the right thing to do. You don't figure into that---you have to accept her or reject her and bounce.

 

You're trying to re-create her past so that it's more palatable to you---and you live in fear of your friends' ridicule for you being with someone like this. As long as you live in fear of their opinions, you're too tied to them and what they think--when what they think doesn't matter because they're not in the relationship with you.

 

If you want a virgin, then seek out a virgin. Don't throw in with women who've had a more active past than you if you can't stand the thought of said past.

[Hoosfoos]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[joseb]

. I have brought this up to her before, I was wondering if maybe she felt the desire to have sex with random men was because of a poor upbringing or some other underlying issue, which in that case I could understand because it isn't unusual for someone who had a painful childhood to seek comfort in such a way.

 

Wow, that's incredibly insulting to her. Suggesting there is something wrong with her or something bad happened, when all she has done is have a healthy sex drive.

 

Let her go, as it sounds like you are not willing to let this go.

[Maggie4]

When she and I have sex, I don't feel like she sees it as something special because she has done it many times before with other guys and that it isn't a special moment we share together as a couple because she has done the exact same thing with guys she wasn't with romantically nor desired to be in a relationship with.

 

"Exact same thing"?? If that's how you see it, then I think you are the one who is now having casual sex with her. If sex with her is special to YOU, you would not be saying this, because the feeling is unmistakable, if you've ever felt it.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I think some of the responses that the OP is getting are a bit harsh. He and his girlfriend have quite differing views on sex. And whether anyone feels his views are myopic or anyone identifies w his girlfriend, OP's views are still *his* views. He has every right to have them, and just as there are many people who disagree w the OP, there are also many people who happen to agree w him. They aren't any more right or wrong than his girlfriend's views.

 

OP, I don't think these types of situations end well if the two of you stay together. It's a fundamental compatibility issue here. She will feel judged (actually you may feel judged too--didn't she call you a prude) and you may have a hard time respecting and trusting her. I think you should let each other go and find more compatible partners.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Flame Aura]

I can't see this relationship lasting.

 

You both have very different views on sex.

 

But at the same time the past is just that. You cant change it. If you cant accept it, and look to the future with her, then find someone else who has your views.

Edited February 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Simple Logic]

Hello all, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and nervous about posting here but since my girlfriend has been introduced to some of my friends, I don't feel safe to confide in them on the off chance that they will tell her this.

 

My girlfriend and I started dating last summer, she and I have had our issues but when it comes down to it, I feel we have a good relationship. One thing I am finding hard to accept is the fact that she was very promiscuous in college. She openly states how she hooked up with several guys, and call me a prude or whatever, but random hook ups are something I never really understood or wanted to be a part of. I feel it is very dangerous to do such, I also feel it shows a disregard for personal safety. Sex is when we as humans are extremely vulnerable and it should be shared between two people who respect and care for each other. I have brought this up to her before, I was wondering if maybe she felt the desire to have sex with random men was because of a poor upbringing or some other underlying issue, which in that case I could understand because it isn't unusual for someone who had a painful childhood to seek comfort in such a way. But when I asked her why she desired to have her random hook ups, she just said "it was fun and that's all I wanted from the guy, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted."

 

When she and I have sex, I don't feel like she sees it as something special because she has done it many times before with other guys and that it isn't a special moment we share together as a couple because she has done the exact same thing with guys she wasn't with romantically nor desired to be in a relationship with. She also admitted to having been the other woman when a guy cheated on his girlfriend. She said they were both really drunk and out of the guys she hooked up with, she actually was romantically interested in him. She told me he came onto her first and that she didn't remember he was in a relationship, but I honestly find that really hard to believe.

 

I really do like this girl, but this one thing just keeps coming back to form some sort of cloud over my view of her. I would love to hear from people who have been in the same boat. Thank you.

 

Honestly, you sound like a teenage girl.

[Lorenza]

I'm with OP on this one and would probably feel the same.

 

And what's with her telling him the details about a random guy coming on her? It's that really a thing to tell your romantic partner? I feel like the other posters willingly omitted this.

[NopeNah]

If it's a deal breaker and you can't get past the image(s) of them.. Move on. Simple. Really.

[NopeNah]

I'm with OP on this one and would probably feel the same.

 

And what's with her telling him the details about a random guy coming on her? It's that really a thing to tell your romantic partner? I feel like the other posters willingly omitted this.

And..what would you do in that case?

[Lorenza]

And..what would you do in that case?

 

Find someone more compatible. And someone who'd respect me enough not to tell the details about them having sex with other people.

[dude360]

Get this idea of sex being this emotional kumbaya moment out of your head. At least with this girl. If that's what you seek, go find a girl who doesn't or didn't sleep around.

 

P.S. like someone said above past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. If she wh0red herself out when she was younger, she will wh0re herself out again when she gets bored of you. That's if she isn't already.

Edited February 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Cookiesandough]

Exactly it’s just odd. But where was discretion. Would be really surprised talking like that is the only red flag she’s shown. All the”it’s in the past”’stuff is silly. She seems not to have changed at all and is quite proud to shout from the rooftops. Good for her! Do her thing, but you don’t have to be okay with it. Not everyone is comfortable with their romantic partners having a lax/licentious view of sex. Some see it as more intimate

[heavenonearth]

I had my fair share of sexual partners in my life, especially in my late teens and early 20s. That changed once i got a bit older.

I never told my boyfriend about how many people i slept with and i also never will tell him.

There is no need for him to know.

 

Once you get older,you will realize that this is not something you tell your romantic partner if you love them. You can talk about past relationships if it is necessary or meaningful, but don’t talk about your past sex lives. It has no use in the New relationship.

 

I know i had way more sex partners than my boyfriend, and based on my dating history, he knows this too. But he still loves me because the past is the past and we are two adults.

 

You need to get over this if you want to have any sort of functional relationship with any woman in the future.

 

As for your girlfriend, she should practice to keep certain things to herself. It’s not attractive to talk to a new partner about the stuff she talks about.

But it’s also not attractive to freak about it the way you did.

 

You both got a lot to learn.

[act00]

OP, if you can't deal with her past, it's not going to work. She deserves to have someone who doesn't consider her trashy and used. She has a different attitude about sex, and she explored and enjoyed and made mistakes like anyone else. It doesn't take away the ability to emotionally bond through sex with you. It's totally different when you're with someone you care about. It's not just a "lay."

 

The only advice I can give is "get over it." Everyone has a past. Don't ask, don't tell. I agree with the prior poster, I think the bigger concern is her need to fill you in on all the gory details. By your description, it sounds like this comes up often. I don't know if you bring it up consistently or she talks about it like she talks about other past memories like that funny thing Uncle John did that one Christmas or funny antics in college, TPing the statue on Main. Some people don't have filters. I dated a guy like this years ago, and at some point I started asking him why he felt the need to tell me these things. I really don't want or need to know. At this point in my life I wasn't bent out of shape over the fact he had sex with multiple other people, some loose and casual, nor was I bent out of shape that he partook of certain "mood enhancers" over the years (of which I have not ever done), or some of his past experiences were, well, stupid. What matters is the here and now.

 

This is more a personality clash, and given your relationship has been a bit rocky by description since last summer (6 months or so?), I think this is what needs to be paid attention to.

 

Now if you ASKED and/or pressured her for the what's and who's and how many's, you have now learned a valuable lesson in not asking for details you don't want or need to know. It's a given that people have had sex before, and most likely with more than one person. You don't need the details. She's with you now, and if you're in a loving relationship, sex is as meaningful to her as it is to you.

 

If you can't accept that women have a sexual history, then you're going to have a very difficult time accepting anyone you date who is anything less than virginoid. The older you get, the more history (sexual or not) you have to contend with, and you'll be far better off if you develop a thick skin. There will be past issues you won't be able to work around, and that's okay, but you'll be far better off if you can accept that people have a history, and sometimes it doesn't align quite the same as yours.

Edited February 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[lurker74]

P.S. like someone said above past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. If she wh0red herself out when she was younger, she will wh0re herself out again when she gets bored of you. That's if she isn't already.

 

So a woman who had sex for enjoyment is a wh0re? Welcome to the 21st century my friend. You should check out some of the amenities we have here.

 

OP, you have some introspection to do. And you are. Your here sharing thoughts, which is great but only a start. What do you value more? Hey companionship and partnership or your perfectly valid but one sided view of sex?

 

You need to ask yourself if it is possible for someone to have fun, enjoyable sex with someone they're not close to but also have sublime, mind bending physical love with someone they love. And here's a hint... It may also be possible to have crazy, physical monkey sex with someone you love from time to time as well.

 

And after that introspection, you need to decide if you can move toward her as she moves toward you. If so, keep trying. If not, move on.

[Gaeta]

And what's with her telling him the details about a random guy coming on her? It's that really a thing to tell your romantic partner? I feel like the other posters willingly omitted this.

 

I would not be surprised OP is the one who asked. Like I said young male have a lot of problem accepting their girlfriend may have had more partners than them so they want details.

 

OP, did you ask for the details of her sex life or she volunteered it without you asking?

[joseb]

And what's with her telling him the details about a random guy coming on her? It's that really a thing to tell your romantic partner? I feel like the other posters willingly omitted this.

 

Where did you read that? She mentioned a guy coming onto her (hitting on her). She didn't say a guy came on her!!!