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choosing between girlfriend and family


Garcon1986

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Hi, I'm a late bloomer in dating, and in the middle of graduate school training (fellowship) to become a cardiologist. I've found what I thought at the time was a lovely lady, who works in a department close to mine in the hospital. She is relatively smart, kind, multicultural, has had to go through challenges, and is trying to contemplate a career change so she can promote out or totally change careers out of her current job as an administrative assistant.

 

Our relationship started out as classic dating, and the infatuation and adoration grew very strong very quickly. We've been to Paris and New York together (we live in Florida), and have had excellent times together. When we go to each other's houses we feel at peace and the day to day sharing of activities is excellent. We have taken various day trips around Florida and enjoyed each other's company. She picked me because of my kindheartedness and the fact that I stand up for babies who have nobody else to fight for them, as part of my daily job. I also teach like there is no tomorrow, and all the medical students love me.

 

My faults are -

 

1. I have not been as responsive to memorizing little details about her, as she would like me to be - due to my massive learning curve in graduate school and the huge number of things I have to memorize. She has forgiven me for this and will periodically remind me, although this bothers her sometimes.

 

2. I am not good at sex; she is only my third true girlfriend as a late blooming 31 year old. We are trying to work on this. We have achieved orgasm in ways other than classical sex while I work on my concentration (erections).

 

3. I had not formally broke up with my ex before dating her. There was a two week time period where things were overlapping. She hasn't let me off the hook for this but in the interim, I have acknowledged how hurtful this was and have stayed loyal.

 

4. When we went to Paris, my ex started texting me. Holy crap was that painful. Then I had to explain to my girlfriend if I had been cheating on her with my ex the whole time. I didn't have the heart to ban my ex from texting me but I have done so now.

 

5. She has been very disturbed about me talking about her with my parents, and analyzing her (nobody does that in her family). She holds a significant grudge against my parents for analyzing her and finding traits in her that are according to my parents, undesirable.

 

**I have been put into a horrible situation as of last week. I brought her to my parents to chit chat about having a future relationship. I tried to prepare both parties but my parents let out a tidal wave of criticisms. They said she has scoliosis, that she is too weak to be a mother, that she will have joint issues, that she will become unhealthy, that she is too narrowminded, that she is someone who won't have a great job in the future. I deep down have tried to find a peaceful solution but my girlfriend is deadset on the fact that my parents will never think she is worthy**.

 

Things I don't like about her include:

 

 

1. She wants to know everything I discuss with my parents but she gets upset if I discuss something with them, that could be used as feedback to improve - and claims that my parents are against her.

 

2. She wants me to discuss all aspects of my schedule with her. Missing something as minor as a haircut causes her great consternation because I won't be letting her know what I'm doing.

 

3. I do have nice conversations with her and peaceful happy times with her but I'm not sure how she's going to improve me. The part about being considerate about another person's feelings is a nice start, and I can commit to working on that - but what else? I crave intellectual improvement which doesn't seem to be forthcoming here.

 

4. Due to the multiple times that my Mom (who is by history a smart lady, someone who worked hard for me, and an MD-PhD who survived the Chinese cultural revolution) - has criticized my girlfriend - my girlfriend has come to me with ever stronger petitions to choose between my relationship and my parents advice. Even though my parent's advice could be used to improve our relationship - she doesn't want to see this point of view. My dad is a little more practical but has given similar advice to my girlfriend, which is not well received. Her family's perspective is that the parents shouldn't interfere if two people love one another.

 

5. Today we had a conversation where we almost broke up. She gave me the ultimatum to choose. I'm going to call my parents and try to stand up a second time, and see if there is a harmonious way we can all live together. Being Chinese, I try to seek out a harmonious solution between all parties as I have always done.

 

6. I sought out my parents advice last weekend both via phone, and this is the longest time (2 days) that I have spent at my parents house. The time there was spent analyzing my relationship. My girlfriend was livid that I didn't plan this with her ahead of time (when I said I needed to visit my parents). She was also livid that I told them, according to my parents, some family friends are coming over. When they didn't come over, my girlfriend called it a deception designed to make me go to my parents, and analyze her and criticize her without her being able to defend herself. The family friends were travelling around (they are visiting students themselves) and just honestly couldn't make it back to my parents house. She literally made me feel guilty just because I went to my parents house, to seek out emotional peace, and to find out ways we could mend our relationship. (This is separate from the time I went to my parents house with her and she received an avalanche of criticism). How can someone be so livid about me going to my parents and discussing my girlfriend? How can someone be so livid about my going to my parents and likely meeting the parent's friends, but the parent's friends cancelling at the last minute? I feel horrible that I was treated like this.

 

My girlfriend sees the trust as seriously hurt because of:

1. Not formally breaking up with my ex prior to starting my current relationship (I concede I was in the wrong and told her that)

2. Not formally breaking off connections with my ex when we were in Paris (I concede that I could have formally blocked my ex)

3. Going to my family's house and discussing my relationship without her present, when I went there to seek out emotional peace (I was so anxious) - and to seek out ways we could live harmoniously with one another.

 

These days I have anxiety because I don't know when I'm going to do something that won't be trusted.

 

How did this go so wrong, from two honest people trying to make it together - and is it worth the beautiful moments we had together? The day to day sharing of our lives has gone wonderfully. Are the wonderful peaceful moments we had together worth mending our seriously hurt relationship?

 

My bedrock principles are that I can't tolerate narrow-mindedness, and I can't take the solution that her parents took, which was abandon the grandparents and strike out on their own - with their love for each other as a building block. Despite efforts to negotiate she won't involve a relationship counselor because in her view, she is innocent of wrongdoing.

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Well, you made your bed and now you have to lay down in it.

 

I don't see this getting resolved and all parties being happy.

 

I think you should break up and let her go. She has very ugly character flaws and is controlling.

 

Start brand new with another woman and this time do things right and keep you mouth shut. The last people you speak to when something bothers you about your gf is your family. Eventually you will forgive your girlfriend for her tresspasses but your parents will always remember she hurt you and this for the rest of their life so when you want to blow off some steam about your relationship you do it on a forum like here or with friends.

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LivingWaterPlease

To me, the fact that your gf won't involve a relationship counselor because she believes she has done nothing wrong is a red flag.

 

First, it's erroneous to regard that engaging in counseling is some kind of punishment for wrongdoing.

 

Secondly, for her to claim she has done nothing wrong isn't a good stance for anyone in a relationship to take. Relationship problems are rarely 100% one person's in the R's fault.

 

Thirdly, it seems to me it's possible she's concerned the counselor may find some undesirable qualities in her that she doesn't want you to know about as they may bode well for not having your R continue. I don't know, though, I would just wonder about this.

 

I believe you're wise to have sought out your parents' advice about your R with this gf. Imo, once a couple is married that is when the parents of each should step back and be hands off about advice unless asked. While a couple is dating is the time when utmost wisdom should prevail and who better to provide it than a person's parents?

 

This woman seems controlling and territorial to me from what you've posted. I would definitely insist on seeing a counselor together about your R before making a decision to marry her.

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Versacehottie

Wow, I really don't know how exactly to solve your problem. The one overriding thing I noticed was that you have to choose between two entities that CONTROL you and are overbearing. So if you pick your gf, you are just going to be trading one controlling set of parents for a controlling gf or wife. Why not choose yourself?

 

I personally lean a little more toward your parents. I think the kind of thing that your gf is doing would cause friction in any romantic relationship (from any culture) and will grow really tiring.. The thing about your parents is that you can understand that it has a cultural basis and they are your parents and parents from anywhere can do this because the pattern has been established that at one point in life you did need them for everything. Also your parents will always be there for you and sometimes our friends and family easily see when someone isn't right for us (though sometimes with parents they can have their own agenda rather than your best interests at heart). I have to say that some of your parents objections were overbearing and unnecessary IMO-makes me wonder if they will ever be happy with whoever you find because some of the complaints seemed a little outrageous (but I didn't grow up in that culture so while I understand that they can have a lot more say in your adult life than an american one, it still can be jarring to hear).

 

Anyway, my best advice is do you!! and don't let anyone rush you to make a decision either way. Good luck

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the very first time I sought out my parent's advice was because, she confronted me about not being forthcoming enough about my call schedule/ appointments during the day. I said I made an honest effort but still had to be on call for my job. She said that as her girlfriend, she deserves better from me. I got my parents advice because I was surprised that someone would be that upset for me doing my job. I couldn't think of a better way to word my criticism at the time. She took a while to get used to not knowing all aspects of my schedule.

 

I can't seek out my parents advice when conflicts are difficult to manage face to face?

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Think you need to make a hasty exit from this GF's life, she's controlling, manipulative, and a troublemaker. Your mum and dad are obviously very supportive of you and sound like great parents, no one will ever have your well being at heart the way they do. One day you'll be a very successful medical professional, the last thing you'll need is a wife/partner who's an embarrassment.

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normal person

1. I have not been as responsive to memorizing little details about her, as she would like me to be - due to my massive learning curve in graduate school and the huge number of things I have to memorize. She has forgiven me for this and will periodically remind me, although this bothers her sometimes.

 

I'd tell her to get over it. You have more important things to remember than her sister's middle name.

 

2. I am not good at sex; she is only my third true girlfriend as a late blooming 31 year old. We are trying to work on this. We have achieved orgasm in ways other than classical sex while I work on my concentration (erections).

 

How much is she bothered by it? (also I'm going to start using the phrase "classical sex")

 

3. I had not formally broke up with my ex before dating her. There was a two week time period where things were overlapping. She hasn't let me off the hook for this but in the interim, I have acknowledged how hurtful this was and have stayed loyal.

 

Life is messy. If she can't handle it, that's her problem at this point. You chose her in the end. If that's not sufficient, she's free to leave, isn't she? She can forgive you or leave.

 

4. When we went to Paris, my ex started texting me. Holy crap was that painful. Then I had to explain to my girlfriend if I had been cheating on her with my ex the whole time. I didn't have the heart to ban my ex from texting me but I have done so now.

 

So has that issue been resolved?

 

5. She has been very disturbed about me talking about her with my parents, and analyzing her (nobody does that in her family). She holds a significant grudge against my parents for analyzing her and finding traits in her that are according to my parents, undesirable.

 

She's got to expect that your parents are going to be concerned about their son's best interests, but I've got to admit, if my girlfriend's parents were wondering about my strength and whether or not I've got scoliosis, I'd feel particularly unwelcome too. If you can't please both parties (it doesn't look good, to be honest), you can either tell your parents to get bent because you want to be with the girl, or dump the girl because you'd rather appease your parents. You're a grown adult and these are the decisions you have to make. The other option is to just stay with the girl and have your parents dislike her and vice versa, but who knows how long either could stand it. My guess would be not long at all.

 

**I have been put into a horrible situation as of last week. I brought her to my parents to chit chat about having a future relationship. I tried to prepare both parties but my parents let out a tidal wave of criticisms. They said she has scoliosis, that she is too weak to be a mother, that she will have joint issues, that she will become unhealthy, that she is too narrowminded, that she is someone who won't have a great job in the future.

 

Jesus, this is absolutely savage. I don't blame your girlfriend for not thinking they'll like her after that. They're entitled to their opinion and all, but hell, who would want to be around people who say things like that about them?

 

1. She wants to know everything I discuss with my parents but she gets upset if I discuss something with them, that could be used as feedback to improve - and claims that my parents are against her.

 

Your parents are against her. They practically crucified the poor girl. If you want to talk to your parents privately about her, I suppose that's your business, but do you really want to be in a serious relationship where you have to have secret conversations about your partner? If you have to do that, maybe you're dating the wrong person, or you need change the circumstances in which you date that person. You can either appease your girlfriend or appease your parents, but it appears you can't do both.

 

2. She wants me to discuss all aspects of my schedule with her. Missing something as minor as a haircut causes her great consternation because I won't be letting her know what I'm doing.

 

That's ridiculous, I'll grant you that.

 

3. I do have nice conversations with her and peaceful happy times with her but I'm not sure how she's going to improve me. The part about being considerate about another person's feelings is a nice start, and I can commit to working on that - but what else? I crave intellectual improvement which doesn't seem to be forthcoming here.

 

Well, if you crave "intellectual improvement," and you're not getting it, you should tell her, and if she can't provide it after a reasonable amount of time, you should reconsider your relationship.

 

4. Due to the multiple times that my Mom (who is by history a smart lady, someone who worked hard for me, and an MD-PhD who survived the Chinese cultural revolution) - has criticized my girlfriend - my girlfriend has come to me with ever stronger petitions to choose between my relationship and my parents advice.

 

I don't blame her. How do you expect her to be happy if your parents say she's going to be a weak mother or have bad joints? It's farcical. Not only that, but you haven't mentioned coming to her defense at all. It's all well and good for you to not have to choose, but your parents don't like her and she doesn't like your parents. So everyone else is clamoring for you to make up your mind.

 

Even though my parent's advice could be used to improve our relationship - she doesn't want to see this point of view. My dad is a little more practical but has given similar advice to my girlfriend, which is not well received. Her family's perspective is that the parents shouldn't interfere if two people love one another.

 

So you're taking your parents' side by saying their advice could be used to improve things, and not defending her when they say all those awful things about her. Their point of view is that she's inadequate and needs to improve to be with you. Right or wrong, can't you see why wouldn't respond well to that?

 

5. Today we had a conversation where we almost broke up. She gave me the ultimatum to choose. I'm going to call my parents and try to stand up a second time, and see if there is a harmonious way we can all live together. Being Chinese, I try to seek out a harmonious solution between all parties as I have always done.

 

That's what you've tried so far and it has totally backfired. By trying to please everyone, you have pleased no one. You can either please your girlfriend or your parents. Your girlfriend won't be happy unless you denounce your parents' criticisms of her and tell them to let you live your own lives. Your parents won't be happy unless you dump your girlfriend, or she improves her posture, or whatever horrible crap they said about her.

 

6. I sought out my parents advice last weekend both via phone, and this is the longest time (2 days) that I have spent at my parents house. The time there was spent analyzing my relationship. My girlfriend was livid that I didn't plan this with her ahead of time (when I said I needed to visit my parents). She was also livid that I told them, according to my parents, some family friends are coming over. When they didn't come over, my girlfriend called it a deception designed to make me go to my parents, and analyze her and criticize her without her being able to defend herself.

 

She shouldn't be that mad that you're going to see your parents. I can see why she's mad that you're talking about her without a way to defend herself, but if that's the case and you guys can't have conversations like this with each other, why be together? If I were her, I'd break up with you for this rather than just complain about it.

 

 

My girlfriend sees the trust as seriously hurt because of:

1. Not formally breaking up with my ex prior to starting my current relationship (I concede I was in the wrong and told her that)

2. Not formally breaking off connections with my ex when we were in Paris (I concede that I could have formally blocked my ex)

3. Going to my family's house and discussing my relationship without her present, when I went there to seek out emotional peace (I was so anxious) - and to seek out ways we could live harmoniously with one another.

 

Whatever you did, right or wrong, she can either forgive you and go forward or not forgive you and break up. No point wavering in the middle.

 

The day to day sharing of our lives has gone wonderfully. Are the wonderful peaceful moments we had together worth mending our seriously hurt relationship?

 

Ask yourself, not us. It's your decision to make. That's the problem, you won't make a decision.

 

My bedrock principles are that I can't tolerate narrow-mindedness, and I can't take the solution that her parents took, which was abandon the grandparents and strike out on their own - with their love for each other as a building block. Despite efforts to negotiate she won't involve a relationship counselor because in her view, she is innocent of wrongdoing.

 

If your parents won't change for your girlfriend, and your girlfriend won't change for your parents, you need to pick one or the other, because they can't both live harmoniously in your life. Your parents are entitled to their own opinions about your girlfriend, and in turn your girlfriend has every right to be offended by them, which it doesn't sound like you've even considered. The longer you go on not defending your girlfriend from your parents, or talking about her to them behind your back, the more strain you're going to put on the relationship.

 

Sometimes you need to realize that there is no easy solution. As it seems now, you can have one, but not the other. Show some backbone and make a decision, not try to appease everyone. It won't work. Best of luck.

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On reason number two that you don’t like about her, you should’ve gotten rid of your ex a long time ago man. You should’ve stood up to your ex and blocked her a** and broke up with her, cut all ties with her before you got seriously involved. You gave her reason not to trust you, that’s why she wants to know details of your life.

 

On number one, you should improve on memorizing details about her. You do care about her right? then Get better. If you don’t, you’ll make the same mistake with the next girl in the next relationship. Then she’ll get rid of you too. Women AND Patients LOVE great listeners.

 

This is one of the biggest wall of words I’ve seen here. You have a lot of problems my friend. In addition to your parents. Good luck.

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I'm going to be blunt. She'd have to be crazy to marry into your family. They are way out of bounds and you are way out of bounds for talking about all of that stuff with your parents about her. They should not be very involved at all in this relationship and them picking apart little physical things about her is just ridiculous. I've never heard of going that far. They're cold-blooded. Your girlfriend should run for the Hills. And if you ever want to keep a woman first you need to become a man who stands on his own two feet and have boundaries with his parents and stands up to them.

 

I'm 65 years old and I've never heard of anything this extreme. No one in her right mind would get involved with this.

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heavenonearth

I do not understand the first few responses who fault your girlfriend.

 

I understand you are coming from a different culture and i know Chinese parents can be overbearing - but your girlfriend has a lot of reasons to not trust you.

 

You lied to her in he very beginning of your relationship.

This is why she has some controlling attitudes about her now.

You did not have her a reason to trust you.

 

And if my partners parents would talk this crap about me that your parents do about your girlfriend - i would tell them to suck it and never speak to them again. This is ridiculous. Scoliosis? Really? Your parents priorities are disgusting.

 

If i were your girlfriend I’d run for the hills.

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You started off this relationship on shaky ground due to monkeybranching, and you weren't broken up yet with your ex, and after the breakup, didn't enforce NC and clear boundaries. It doesn't surprise me that she has insecurity about your whereabouts. However, at some point she has to learn to trust you if she considers this long-term and you've given no indication of straying. It will likely always be the elephant in the room.

 

She sounds controlling and unpleasant, but you have plopped a LOT on her from double dipping with the ex to letting her know every unpleasant words your parents have spoken, criticism, judgement...I wouldn't tolerate this from my parents, and I wouldn't tell my boyfriend about these things while I put a quick squash on their behaviors.

 

Don't tell your girlfriend, ever, critical words from your parents. It sets up a bad vibe. In fact, your parents should be the last people you discuss relationship woes with. They'll "momma bear" to the death. Utilize other support with relationship issues like your friends or even a sibling that doesn't blab to the parents. Second, with your family, when you choose a woman, they need to accept her as a unit to you. They don't get to pick who you spend your life with. You need to learn boundaries and enforce them. That means, you tell them they will not be permitted to trash talk your date/girlfriend and walk away or end the phone call when they start in on you or her.

 

Your parents sound highly critical and judgmental about who you choose as a mate, and they are probably the last source when it comes to advice or support you should ever utilize. When your friends or peers express concern, pay attention...with your parents, take it with a grain of salt and lay down those boundaries.

 

Overall, I don't see how this relationship is going to work. If you can't so much as get a haircut without it turning into a major ordeal, this is just a smidge of what the future will look like. How much worse is everything going to be when you get married, produce some babies, and she REFUSES to allow any contact with your parents because they do what they want and they nitpick her every tiny indiscretion, or when you have to stay late for an emergency, or you're 10 minutes late getting home....it doesn't look good.

 

I realize there are cultural issues here, and you're dating someone outside of those cultures...you need to create the environment and boundaries. When you get married, you and your wife are a unit, and your parents will follow the rules or be banned...or you appease your parents and pick a woman they choose regardless of what you want. Maybe you'll get lucky and get both. I think a major issue is your parents, and you need to start being a grown man and let them know in no uncertain terms, bashing your significant other will not be tolerated.

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my parents will always want to know the details about my relationship and my girlfriend will always want to know what my parents think... do I lie to both?

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Very mixed responses here which goes to show what a difficult and sensitive issue this is. I also sympathise with the girlfriend and think that your parents are too overbearing. Whilst seeking advice in a crisis is fine, your parents are not the best people to go to in this particular issue given that the issue is due to friction between them and your girlfriend. To your girlfriend, you’re running to the enemy and spilling your private relationship to them and siding with them over her.

 

There is no reason that you can’t go to a counsellor on your own to talk it out and find clarity. It is your relationship, your life, you have to do what is right for you. Your parents need to step back and let you make the decision. You shouldnt have to choose, but the situation has gotten to a point where a lot of damage has been done and yes maybe you do have to choose. I speak from experience with my ex and his extremely close overbearing “sister” figure. It sucks!!

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Very mixed responses here which goes to show what a difficult and sensitive issue this is. I also sympathise with the girlfriend and think that your parents are too overbearing. Whilst seeking advice in a crisis is fine, your parents are not the best people to go to in this particular issue given that the issue is due to friction between them and your girlfriend. To your girlfriend, you’re running to the enemy and spilling your private relationship to them and siding with them over her.

 

There is no reason that you can’t go to a counsellor on your own to talk it out and find clarity. It is your relationship, your life, you have to do what is right for you. Your parents need to step back and let you make the decision. You shouldnt have to choose, but the situation has gotten to a point where a lot of damage has been done and yes maybe you do have to choose. I speak from experience with my ex and his extremely close overbearing “sister” figure. It sucks!!

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I read from another thread of yours that you only date Caucasian women. But the way your parents like to interfere with your relationship with your girlfriend (and you go along with it) perhaps tells you you might be a better match to a very traditional Chinese woman.

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Also i fear for her motivation. She told me she wanted to transition from medical admin to medicine, but is wavering in her commitment to her professional satisfaction. That scares me as someone who had to sacrifice to get into medicine.

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heavenonearth
Also i fear for her motivation. She told me she wanted to transition from medical admin to medicine, but is wavering in her commitment to her professional satisfaction. That scares me as someone who had to sacrifice to get into medicine.

 

Dude, it's her life. She chooses what she wants to do.

You will not be choosing for her.

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heavenonearth
can I get intellectual satisfaction some other way from her?

 

What do you mean with 'intellectual satisfaction'? What does this entail, in your opinion?

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In my mind intellectual satisfaction is a partner who constantly strives to train her mind and discover something new about the world, and who shares those discoveries with me. We then both learn something new and fascinating about the world.

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I feel like I am going on fancy trips as a substitute to being intellectually stimulated by my girlfriend. That’s probably my core personal concern, apart from my parents concerns.

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Versacehottie
I do not understand the first few responses who fault your girlfriend.

 

I understand you are coming from a different culture and i know Chinese parents can be overbearing - but your girlfriend has a lot of reasons to not trust you.

 

You lied to her in he very beginning of your relationship.

This is why she has some controlling attitudes about her now.

You did not have her a reason to trust you.

 

And if my partners parents would talk this crap about me that your parents do about your girlfriend - i would tell them to suck it and never speak to them again. This is ridiculous. Scoliosis? Really? Your parents priorities are disgusting.

 

If i were your girlfriend I’d run for the hills.

 

If she doesn't trust him, she shouldn't be with him. Monitoring your partner to death is not the solution when you don't trust someone. It's not the foundation to build real love on--it's possession. There's a huge difference.

 

I do agree with the fact that she'd be crazy to join a family where she is unwanted and criticized to this extent. He'd be crazy to let it happen. As far as the family--well like all families he bound to his--that's just how it goes. I think it's overbearing of course and said so but he also opened the door. About her character traits, they might just be correct.

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There is so much wrong on so many levels from both sides, I dont see how there can ever be a comfortable relationship with any sort of happy future for either of you. Way too much drama from both sides. Your parents are totally wrong and disrespectful for all the ugly things they said about her, but I dont see you standing up to them and sticking by your gf either.

 

Relationships should be easier than this. And your girlfriend needs to stop bringing up your ex girlfriend and the fact you dated them both. Its in the past, its over with. When will she stop? And the bottom line is, parents should NOT ever run your relationship. Ever. It is yours to choose. Just like they chose theirs. If they dont like your choice of a girlfriend, then dont involve her with them. But I dont see this as the case in this instance. This is just a horrible situation. You need to pick better.

 

Get. Out.

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